A Not So Evil God In Fategrand Order - Volume 4: Sealed Ends Of The Four Seas: Okeanos Chapter 137 The Star's Tear The Dream's End

…I am dying, aren’t I?

No… I am still very much alive, or at least I seem to be. My body has given up a long ago, but for some reason, it refuses to perish.

The pain is agonizing. Even so, it’s nothing that I am not used to. After all, experiences like this one had been a common theme throughout my life. Though maybe none of those were as bad as the one I am currently going through.

Looking back at it, I may have pushed myself a bit too hard. Still, what choice did I have? Our enemy was simply too strong. We didn’t even have the room to hold back.

Herakles… What a fearsome opponent he was. To constantly revive and gain resistance, which bordered immunity to what killed him before… It was truly out of this world.

Although I hate to admit my own weakness, if it wasn’t for Master’s timely help, I am not sure I could have taken that many lives from him. Still…

It’s frustrating.

I wanted to fight more, to prove my worth more. Master went out of his way to use a Command Spell, one that I wasted needlessly. I just hope that everyone could get away safely. If they didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. Especially those two little pests. Although they are often annoying and take pleasure in bothering me, they are still his daughters, even if not by blood. As someone who aimswho aimed to fight by his side forever, their protection was a matter of concern to me.

… To think a day would come where I would worry about others. Even I can’t believe things have gotten this way.

From a warrior who would only see destruction in front of her eyes, I became a glorified nanny. This is not what I envisioned when I was summoned, but… strangely enough, I don’t have complaints.

When the elders of the Hun tribe found me in those ruins, taught me many things, spoke of me as a miracle sent to annihilate their enemies, the one who would lead them as a King, I never once questioned them. It never mattered to me, nor did I particularly care.

They would point in a direction; I would swing my sword and then end every life that was in the way. Wherever I passed through, nothing would remain. My vision was always filled with fire, and my ears with the scream of my enemies.

My heart eventually grew numb to it, or perhaps, I never felt anything from the beginning. I was just a machine, a weapon wielding another weapon. That’s the reason there was never a need to feel remorse. Heh, maybe that title of Scourge of God wasn’t that unfounded, after all.

I… never liked it. They might have been right, but, still, I wouldn’t say I liked it. It’s not as if I destroyed because I enjoyed it. I just did it because that was the only thing I knew, the only thing I was good at.

And despite all of that, a part of me envied them. I could always have all the material things I wanted, just one command, and the elders would hurry as if their lives depended on it to see that I got whatever I desired. And yet…

And yet I couldn’t have just a simple thingthe same thing that everyone seemed to take for granted: Joy.

It was present even among my supposed warriors. However, I never was able to experience it. To whatever made them happy, I always had the same response. “It’s only natural. Why do you feel the need to smile about it?”

I crushed our opponents, conquered civilizations, and expanded our territory. Everything was something that I did as easily as breathing, so why did they felt the need to brag and talk about it with such mirth on every occasion?

It’s something I remember even today; their answer to my question. Words were not spoken, but their faces told me all I needed to know. “I am never going to understand them.”

No matter how much I imitated them, I never comprehended their joy. I saw my soldiers being happy with their wives, so I took one for myself. I adopted the young when I saw them being happy around their kids. Everything they did, I tried to do as well. If I am honest with myself, it isn’t surprising that it never worked.

It was also not surprising that everyone’s expression showed fear, fear of displeasing me, and incurring my wrath, essentially ending with their lives. However, very few among them had another emotion reflected in their eyes. And that was pity.

At that time, I didn’t understand it for what it was. I only saw it as them thinking that I was weak. That was enough for me to kill them on the spot. After all, strength was all I had. If that were to be questioned, then I would be left with nothing else. For me, who always had doubts about her existence, that couldn’t be allowed to happen.

It was just recently that I finally understood the real meaning behind that pity. They didn’t doubt my strength; they just felt bad for me because they naturally wanted the best for me as their King. They wanted me to continue leading them to a more prosperous time. They wanted me to…enjoy life.

What a fool I was.

There was no way for me to see what they saw then and there, that I was nothing more than a machine trying to understand human emotions.

But even with that in mind, it only took me a second chance to finally realize what I couldn’t before, if only slightly. I don’t know if I should be glad or just sigh at the absurdness of the situation.

I suppose I have Master to thank for that. He is the one that helped me with the internal conflict that had plagued my mind since I was discovered.

I admit that the first time we met wasn’t in the best of circ.u.mstances. Some bug had summoned me to a time where the Roman Empire was still present, so the machine part of me had already decided on one objective: Destroy it.

It didn’t help that he refused to move and wanted to fight with me instead. Still, despite my cold exterior then, a part of me welcomed it. My opponents always fled or put meager resistance during my whole life, some even being successful in stopping me. However, they never went out of their way to attack me.

It was… refreshing. The current me can safely say that I had fun throughout that fight. Even if it was for a tiny bit, I forgot about my goal to destroy the Roman Empire and only focused on winning.

I may have lost in the end, but, for the first time, I felt happy. I didn’t know how it happened or how that emotion came to be. It just sort of manifested itself within me.

Now that I think about it, it might have been because when I fought him, I got the feeling that I was fighting a version of myself for some reason.

“A man that was struggling to find a purpose in his life.” That was the vibe Master was giving off during our battle. Maybe that was why I felt I was facing a mirror instead of another person.

And like a mirror, what one found, the other did as well. It may have been something different, but we each got something out of our fight.

For my part, I discovered something strange. When I failed to destroy Rome because of my defeat, I didn’t feel bad nor had any regrets. Instead, I was glad.

A sword whose only objective was to destroy finally found something that it couldn’t.

I think that was my first happy memory. It is something that I will forever treasure. It doesn’t matter if this version of me disappears. I am sure that it will remain engraved in my Spirit Core forever.

Though, there was something else in that fight that I remember with clarity. Master recognized me, or to be precise, what I used to be. He mentioned the name Sefar the instant he saw me.

Sefar… my original existence. A titan whose purpose I inherited, destruction. The knowledge about her became more and more with each passing day. Sometimes I experienced her memories through a dream. It was then that I was able to witness Master and a funny-looking man who talked weirdly clash with her, or me in this case.

It all felt surreal and bewildering. I saw the Earth being destroyed many times during that battle, only to reappear as if nothing had happened. When I asked Master about it, he told me that because Gods were incredibly powerful in his universe another thing I discovered some of them were able to create something known as Domains, which worked like a copy of the place they were standing on as to avoid the destruction of their place of residence.

My exposure to those memories made me realize something kind of disheartening if I do say so myself. I was an alien. When I was made aware of that fact, everything started to make sense. The reason why I wasn’t like the rest of the people, why I didn’t act or feel like them. It was all for that simple truth. That I was found in some ruins did nothing more than to validate it.

Master said that it was nothing to be worried about as they were not natives to Earth either, but came from a different place. That managed to calm me a bit as I was worried he would think differently of me.

I guess… I didn’t want to be alone again. That solitude where no one around you can understand what you are going through is not something that I wished to experience once more.

The time we spent together was indeed short, but I lived the happiest moments of my life in that short time.

I learned many things that I didn’t know were possible. I learned to… be human. I finally understood why the people of the Hun tribe could laugh and enjoy when something that I considered natural before happened.

I know… because I got to experience it. Whenever my Master complimented me, whenever I fought for him and won, whenever I accomplished a task he had asked me to do. They were simple things, nothing out of the ordinary. And still… still they made me feel joy.

But… if I had to say one thing that made me the happiest, it would be what happened that night. It is embarrassing to remember, though.

When we made the contract on that lake, I could feel that I belonged somewhere for the first time in my life. It wasn’t like when I was alive and was the King of the Huns. This felt like… family.

Family… family… It has a strange sound to it. However, it’s not something bad. Quite the contrary, it is a word that makes me giggle like a normal girl whenever I think of it.

I admit that if there were a semblance of a wish when I was alive, then it would be a what-if. What if instead of being raised as a warrior, I grew up to be something else? A traveler, a farmer, scholar, a hunter… or maybe just a simple woman.

It is too late for any of those, I am aware. But even so, I got something similar. A life where I was not alone. Where someone was beside me instead of following behind like a mindless object.

It all is thanks to the person who didn’t deny me, who knew how I was and still accepted me for who I am without covering anything up. While many cursed my name, saying that the only thing I did was bring destruction, he was the one that welcomed me for it. Master told me he wasn’t happy that he got stuck with that role, but he understood its need. Although it is a job where everyone hates us, we are the first step to create things.

“Creation is based on destruction. When you see something beautiful, it’s because someone had destroyed what was previously there. We are the bedrock in what the world relies on to keep moving.” Those words he told me then keep resonating with me even to this day.

Before, I used to have some distaste that I kept buried about the things I have done in my life. It was only after hearing what he said that I came to love my hands. The hands that were always filled with blood and only brought calamity to others. For the first time… I was proud of myself. Now, I can say with confidence that I don’t mind my destructive existence anymore.

Speaking of Master, I wonder how he will feel when he knows that I lost. I hope he can forgive me. I may have lost, but I did what he told me. I showed them what fear was. Their faces before I collapse was enough proof that I did what was asked of me.

Honestly, I am scared. Perhaps I am just a coward for thinking this way, but… I am scared he won’t need me anymore. That I will return to my life of loneliness if I don’t perform well enough. Now, and even before, I worry about it.

I am scared… that we will have to say goodbye. That we will not see each other again. After all, I know you don’t feel comfortable with people playing with the dead.

That’s why… I wish this were all a dreamone where I would still be fine and fighting by your side. A dream that I don’t want to wake up from. Sadly, I know this is very much reality. I will soon die, and that will be the end of it.

Slowly, I can hear the sound of a door opening. It is familiar… so that’s how it is. I am in the room of that pink-haired woman.

As I groggily open my eyes, I see the object of my thoughts. His face is stoic, but I can see a deep rage hidden within.

“Master…?” Somehow, I managed to squeeze that out. It hurts to speak, or even to breath for the matter.

He is staying silent, only looking at me. The fear of that rage being directed at me is resurfacing. However, that fear disappeared the moment he smiled at me. It is a strained one, probably to reassure me. Yet it means the world to me.

I can tell he is still angry, but he is bottling it all up. Strange… seeing him that angry on what seems to be my behalf is making me feel a bit glad inside.

“How are you feeling?” He approached me and sat on the side of my bed, gently taking my hand with his.

“Fine… I think.” I am not. Still, that is something I can’t tell him. Though, he probably knows already if the way he is looking at me is of any indication. His face has traces of sorrow on it. He is masking it, but I can tell.

“This is how it ends, so don’t be sad.” Maybe that wasn’t the right thing to say. His mask was barely holding on after I uttered those words.

“Somehow…I wish this all could have been different. If I had been faster and fought with everything I’d got, maybe our current situation would not have happened.” There is regret within his tone, but I know he did his best, and that is enough for me.

I managed to shake my head at him despite the difficulty of moving even an inch of my body. “You did all you could against an opponent you didn’t want to fight. There is no way I can fault you for it.”

He doesn’t look convinced. I was never someone who was good with words, so I am not surprised.

“The contract we made that day is preventing your Spirit Core from completely collapsing by tricking death. I know it’s painful but hang in there. I will search for a way to restore you to your peak condition.” So that’s how it is. The wound I got from Berserker was enough for me to die there. Now I know the reason why I didn’t.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure that Master is conflicted. He doesn’t want to let me die, but he doesn’t want me to suffer this pain either. It is a rare sight, that caring side of his. It’s something I welcome nonetheless.

However, it also pains me. Knowing that he will end up being worried about me every minute of the day, while appreciated, it’s not something I wish to see.

Ah…So, in the end, everything falls on that decision. Should I continue holding on as Master keeps looking for a way to heal me while growing increasingly desperate when he doesn’t find it, or should I just let go and cause a momentary pain in him before he moves on?

How I wish there were a third optionone where both of us didn’t have to suffer.

I don’t mind enduring any pain if that meant we could stay together. However, that would mean you would also have to see me in that state and be hurt because of it, something I don’t want.

So… even if I am reluctant about it… even if I wish there were another option… even if I would end up regretting it, my decision is already set in stone. “No. It’s okay. You don’t have to work hard anymore. I… did my part. Now, you have to do yours and finish this Singularity as well as the others.”

Just squeezing those words was extremely difficult. I am honestly surprised that I didn’t mess that up. Still, I can’t look at his face now. I am sure that if I do, I won’t be strong enough not to cry.

He is not saying anything. What should I do? Did I do something ba”…Are you sure?”

Master… Master… Your voice, it sounds broken.

Stop, please. I have to say something, anything.

“You stayed with me to the very end… It makes me happy. The fact you are here means the world to me, so you don’t have to worry about not having done your best.”

It’s not enough. I have to say it properly this time.

“I loved the moments we spent together, all the things that I have learned staying by your side, I loved…you.” Ah… I said it. I finally said it. The thing I didn’t know how to convey. Maybe it was when I first saw you. Maybe it was when I saw how similar we were. Truth be told, I don’t even know myself. I just, somehow, know I do.

“…You have terrible taste in men, did you know that?” Despite the moment, he managed to release a dry chuckle. That is enough for me. At least I won’t hear that voice again.

“Perhaps. I don’t mind it, though.” A giggle escaped my lips without me meaning to. Look at me now. I don’t feel that heaviness in my chest anymore that I even can laugh.

…I guess it is time. I would have liked an answer to my confession, but his eyes are already telling me all that I need to know, bringing a smile to my face. Master already stopped whatever was stopping my Spirit Core from rupturing when he spoke, so it won’t be much before my time comes.

My body is already disappearing; I can feel it.

There is nothing more that I would like than to stay like this forever, but it seems the sky is darkening even in the night. My journey is coming to an end. Despite it all, I can leave with the brightness of your eyes. Unlike the last time, I don’t pass away with the coldness of my blood surrounding me. I go with the warmness of your hand instead.

I am glad I met you. Thanks for everything you did for me. It has truly been something I would treasure forever.

Farewell, Seth…