A Slackers Guide To Immortality - Chapter 39

The hunting party had dispersed agreeing to process the kills as early as light would allow.

‘I wonder if I should bathe. I would just be gwtting dirty anyways… I wonder how drunk and horny Three is. Would she even care how nasty I am right now?’ Joe was grinning to the stars above. “What’s so damn funny?” Jimbo asked with a similar grin on his face. “You are thinking about rubbing up on the wifey like that; am I right?”

“How did you know?” Joe was curious if Jimbo and himself were linked due to blood and ink.

“All gypsies can see the future, yours is full of pain and misery if you go after her all gored out she might lick all of it off and crush your pelvis to powder.” Jimbo spit a sluice of tobacco juice and smiled wider.

“That’s a perfect solution if she crushed my hɨps I wouldn’t have to work anymore for awhile. I better get to her fast while this blood is still fresh.” The images in Joe’s head made him want to leave the kill site immediately.

Three was getting sloppily drunk. Like grind on a light pole and kiss a raccoon drunk. ‘It’s so kind of Jimbo to leave me in his house all alone on my wedding night! Bahh… I better make the most of it.’ She looked for more records to play after she unscrewed another jar of rotgut. ‘My hubby better get back soon otherwise I’ll start without him.’ She cackled like an old witch and started to gyrate her hɨps to the beat of the rock guitar as it played across the room. Time had passed quickly and her husband returned. He was carrying the biggest set of pig tėstɨċŀės she had ever seen in his arms. His whole body was covered in the lifeblood of the kill.She embraced her new husband knocking the testes to the floor as she planted a liplock on him that would have suffocated a lesser man.

It was reciprocated, in that moment nothing existed but the two of them. Time stopped because the universe deemed their love so deep.Then Three leg sweeped her husband planting him on his ȧss. She shucked her pants and sat on his face.

‘God it smells of old moist gym socks and tastes like canned mackerel.’ Joe thought to himself as he was beating her thɨġhs trying to pry them from his ears but she refused to let go. ‘It’s a good thing I can hold my breath for 15 minutes this stench is bound to be poisonous.’ Joe stuck out his tongue to enjoy some not so fresh fish. Her hairy mound was leaving rug burn on his face as she threatened to grind his head into none existence.

‘Damn she was ganting for it, I best go get some chips. This is way better than hotel cable.’ Jimbo was watching the proceedings from the corner with anticipation.

Three had finally stopped after she had passed out but her thɨġhs did not relax in the least so Joe was forced to lay there all night under the weight of his new wife.

Ethel woke up much later than was her habit.

‘These lands are safer than the plains. I have yet to run into anything but pervy truckers and a mild case of food poisoning. How they passed health inspection at the diner I will never know.’ She was enjoying the warmth from the blue enameled tin cup in her hands. Instant coffee was a treat on the road that she refused to travel without. The tiny percolator pot sat on a small mound of loosely packed coals that were smoldering from the night before. ‘Cold last night. Not the worst I’ve slept, but I can’t wait for some clean sheets and a soft bed.’ She dumped the contents on the pot onto the coals. Then she broke camp.

The road got narrower and turned into dirt as she made her way to her destination at last.

‘This wall looks so fancy. I know my new man has to be loaded.’ She smirked underneath her helmet. She got off the bike to push in the teak wood double doors. They opened and she saw the Elder’s shack soon enough, parked next to the shack was the dump truck and tanker truck. ‘ These trucks are a bit on the older side but this is promising. Those must be Jimbo’s servant quarters a little on the shabby side that house is but this area is rural. Look two of the employees are nȧkėd and starting to strip meat off the demonic pigs.’

“Crane are you expecting guests?” The Elder asked as he eyeballed a sleek Herley coming nearer to the house.

“No Bi I am honestly thinking that might be for Jimbo. I mean Gypsies all ride Herley bikes right? That’s one of the newest sportsters that would have set the rider back about four thousand spirit stones.” The Scholar was drooling over the thought of such wealth.

The bike stopped within spitting distance of the two men. The rider took off her helmet and dismounted the bike. She was drop dead gorgeous. Long raven hair with ringlets cascaded like a black waterfall until it was just past her shoulders. Her tan skin was freckled under her eyes and her rich full lips were sparkling with a fresh coat of gloss. Her eyelashes were long and curved, and her emerald green eyes dazzled like jewels.

The lady coughed ” You peons can get your jaws off the floor and start thinking with something besides your peckers, kindly inform your master Jimbo son of Claude the Esquire of the Airstream that his new wife has arrived.”

“Around her new wife, we call him The Tinker. Also I’m a sect Elder show some respect.” The Elder said this as he was scratching his ȧss and glaring at the newcomer.

‘Jimbo wasn’t full of shit. My lips have kissed the ȧss of the aristocracy.’ The Scholar was in a daze.