A Slackers Guide To Immortality - Chapter 40

Ethel’s expression grew more disgusted as she absorbed this new knowledge. ‘The sect Elder was nȧkėd and cleaning a pig carcass like a common serf. The supposed Scholar was staring at her tɨts without bothering to say anything at all.’

“So are either of you able to show me to where the Tinker resides?”she spat thinking her prospects were better on the road.

“Let me rinse myself off and put on a fresh bathrobe. It’s been a long night these hogs should dress out at about 6 tons of meat. I should tell the Abess to loan us some salt. Otherwise it will be several fishing trips farther afield, in order for us to get this done in the two weeks we have left before the Treasure Fair.”

‘Treasure Fair I wonder what I can get Jimbo to buy for me. Hopefully these guys are just cosmetically aesetic but secretly have deep pockets.’ Ethel was trying to see a silver lining in this trip but the clouds kept getting darker as she watched the Elder scrape himself off with a bricklayer’s trowel and then towel himself off with a Trimp Hotel towel.

The bathrobe that the Scholar had brought out from the shack was brown and fuzzy. It was sewn from terrycloth. He climbed into the dump truck honked the horn twice. He motioned for her to follow him with his arm out the window. They soon parted ways as the Elder was off to retrieve a kettle and to grovel for some salt and Celestial Seasonings.

‘It’s almost 9 am and Three still hasn’t let Grubworm go. Poor bastard face full of stank pussƴ all night. I think I’ll let her sleep it off while I get started on his bike again.’ Jimbo went outside to dig through a pile looking for some lawn mower wheels. He also needed an A-6 spark plug that wasn’t too burned out to decarbonize, regap,and install into the Briggs and Griggs engine. He tossed unwanted items aside from his current pile into a larger pile of other cast offs. He heard the rumble of a Herley in the distance. He dropped the sparkplug that he had finally found then raced back inside for his blade.

‘McReedy you dirty bastard I suppose you finally sent someone for me after all of these years. I am not alone we will all jump your ȧss as soon as you step through the door.’

“Three put some fuċkɨnġ pants on. We have to kill a Gypsy fuċker. McReedy has sent a chopper this way I can hear him now. Grubworm start throwing shit at whoever walks in I don’t care what it is as long as it’s not any of my magazines.” Jimbo spit all of this out in quick staccato. He kicked Three as he passed by her. “I’m serious move your ȧsses these guys are still mad at me for plastering pictures of him on a Vispa scooter outside of an art museum.”

‘Yeah that would destroy any amount of credibility that a Junk Skunk would have.’ Joe was still glassy eyed and his tongue was swollen from last night’s activities.

‘Damn my head is groggy and my second set of lips are all kinds of chapped. Why is Grubworm’s face so red? Why are my thɨġhs so damn sore?’ Three’s head was trying to piece together the night before. The only conclusion she could reach was that it was Grubworm’s fault and that he would catch a beating after they took care of the unwanted guest.

‘I’ll be damned Jimbo is old fashioned he has the piles lined up with all the principles of junksui. I knew expected him to be classically trained. Too bad I’ll have to get the servants to set this mess in order of material composition otherwise this chaos will drive me crazy.” She stopped her bike just outside of the rolled up garage door. As soon as she entered she was met with a barrage of shop tools and parts.

They were flung with force and speed,it was an unceasing pelting of iron for a good 45 seconds. She countered several of the faster objects with her fists,stopping the inertia of the objects with a well timed sweep of her left arm and elbow. The junk storm stopped as abruptly as it started. “Kick his ȧss sea bass!” A young man in his early twenties with Kinfolk tatoos on his torso shouted loudly in the shop.

A very masculine woman in blue boy shorts and a singlet delivered an axe kick from her right side that connected with the top of her helmet. ‘Lucky for me I sprung for the Iron Dragon model otherwise that would have cracked my skull’ Ethel thought as she felt the top two vertebrae of her neck threaten to fuse as they took the force of the blow. A quick sword slash towards her left knee would have made her an amputee if not for those titanium knee caps she had bought last year. She delivered a short jab to the swordsman’s solar plexus giving her some breathing space.

‘Why won’t this fuċker drop already? I kicked him hard enough to break bones. Jimbo was serious about a chopper coming out. This guy has some serious gear on him. I really want to see what’s in the bike.’ Three was trying to tally the cost of everything the guy was wearing when she came to the conclusion that the guys hɨps were too wide. ‘That’s a chick. Her boots would probably fit me. I bet she has soap in her bags!’

The intensity of the fight was picking up the longer it had went on. ‘I need to grab that young man he is obviously Jimbo’s son. Tjat will give me time to speak to them all.’ Ethel rolled forward on thr ground and kicked up to her feet. Her helmet clipped Joe on the ascent back to the standing position. She sidestepped to the backside of the young man as she grabbed him in a standing Full Nelson lock.

“Hold on hussy you got my bitch now I am pissed. He’s a married man. Nobody smacks my bitch up except me!” Three pounced forward into a kamikaze flying tackle throwing herself some 5ft across the room.