A Slackers Guide To Immortality - Chapter 41

The three of them crashed into a crumpled pile on the floor. Joe was sandwiched in between the two women.

‘This is heaven one behind me one on top. Not a bad morning if I can get Three to stop smacking my face.’ Joe was repeatedly getting slapped on the face as his ȧssailant was squirming beneath him using him as a human shield to absorb the blows. Three made a finger jab towards the newcomer’s eyes only to succeed in catching Joe in the nostrils. “Motherfucker stop poking at me so hard. We aren’t getting anywhere like this just stop people.” Joe screamed in a painful nasally voice as blood was seeping past his plugged nose holes.

“Nope this bitch took you hostage I’m not letting this go easily.” Three was still trying to gain an advantage so she concentrated her next ȧssault into a fingerlock on her prey.

As she grabbed the pinky of the chopper’s left hand she snapped it back with force. That made her opponent let go of Grubworm. The next move to follow up was a quick hard punch that landed square on Three’s right ear.

The force of it caused her head to ring, leaving her dazed momentarily. Joe rolled off to the side to get out of the line of fire.

‘This one isn’t hampered with notions of honorable combat and she’s pretty strong I’d guess at least 2 star. My left hand is useless for striking now. Anything that jars it will cause some tears in my eyes, good instincts that girl. I need to reasses my position now.’ Ethel thought as she backrolled straight into a shop table this time as she stood Jimbo stuck his sword into her leg that was rewarded with a throat punch from Ethel. He was stuck trying to breath through a collapsed larynx. He shifted his sword into his non dominate hand; He squeezed the side of his neck with his thumb and middle finger massaging his larynx back into position. Ethel was limping holding most of her weight on her noninjured leg. ‘My mobility is pretty shot right now, these guys aren’t giving me any chance to speak at all. This flashbang might give me some breathing space.’ She snatched one of the zipper tabs on her brėȧst pocket open with haste then tossed out a ball the size of a quarter on the ground. The world vanished in a flash of light and resounding bang. She ran out of the door as fast as her legs would carry her. She vaulted into the seat of her Herley and cranked it trying to get back to The Elder’s shack.

“Thank god that chopper left.” Joe said in relief

“He’ll be back with friends McReedy is a fertile fuċker next time it’ll be 15 or 20 of his little varmints he’s going to send. We need to snuff that fuċker quick before he can get back to McReedy.” Jimbo was bȧrėly above whispering because of the damage to his voicebox. He was quickly moving towards his bike. He cranked it up and motioned for Joe and Three to get into the back.

It was a white knuckled ride for those in the back as they gripped the truck bed for dear life. Jimbo was pushing the bike into 5th gear and pushing all 350 horses that the bike could muster not caring if he blew the head seal again. He soon caught up the chopper ramming into the Herley. It fishtailed skidding sideways on the narrow dirt path.

Ethel bȧrėly kept the bike from laying over when she was rammed if not for her many years in the saddle the bike and herself would have been crushed under that abomination of a motor trike that followed her. She shifted gears to try to widen the gap between her bike and her pursuers. She gained about 20ft but then a huge pig came running in her path from nowhere. The last thing she saw before her bike crashed into this enormous hog was the color purple. She flew high up into the air going ȧss over teakettle with her beautiful Herley handlebars still in her hands.

‘Shit that’s Jeffy.’ Joe thought as he let go of the truck bed before impact. Three grabbed onto him cradling Joe close to her body.

At the same time all of this was happening the Elder had finally made it to the Abbey of The Sisters of Mercy. It was a grand 6 story brownstone cathedral of gothic design. Stained glass windows depicting various saints and acts of virtue. A steeple that rose a further 25ft from the tallest floor of the church. Symmetrical raised garden beds planted with cucumbers,carrots,and cabbages rose from the frontage of the church. Overall it was a view designed to be impressive and welcoming to any guests who stopped by.

The rust spattered and dirty offroad dump truck coming down the picturesque gravel driveway was an eyesore that ruined some of that beauty. The Elder honked his horn as he came closer to the vestibule of the main hall.

A cute young novice in her grey habit came to greet him outside.

“Come to beg alms once again I see.” The novice spoke calmly and with certainty.

The Elder prostrated himself on the ground at her feet and kissed her cloth shoe.

“Yes oh prepossessing wonder of woman kind. This foul beggar comes once more to plead for you benefaction. We lowly swineherds beg for the bounty of the church almighty.Without the benificance of the merciful Lord in heaven that you serve we would not draw breath another day.” The Elder pondered if he could lay it on any thicker. Then he planted his face firmly into the dirt.