A Slackers Guide To Immortality - Chapter 42

Jeffy was just out for a walk around the valley on a cine spring midday. ‘I wonder what I should do today should I go see mother or maybe cull a few of the smaller boars. Dad didn’t leave me with any instruction for the day all he does is stare at that damn portal.I smell exhaust fumes. I better go check that out.’ So away he trotted towards the path. Only to be smacked into by an amubuscade of overly dressed out motorbike. The first impact jarred him fiercely and the collateral damage was minimal. He had dug his heels in when the second heavier bike had mutilated the the previous into nothing more than an amalgamation of both bikes. ‘Shit that hurts… I think I saw Grubworm,he went blasting off again.’

Ethel was flying through the air only to be abruptly stopped by the boughs of an ancient walnut tree. Her leathers were ripped open by the limbs and her already injured arm had an open fracture of her ulna ‘Shit I came over to be up a husband but I’m now down a bike and in hostile territory.’ The tree had to be 30ft tall and she was about 20ft off the ground. ‘Should I risk the drop or just stay put for awhile? I may as well get moving staying here at night doesnt seem to be a good prospect.’ She started droping onto lower branches until she finally got close enough to slide down the trunk safely.

Joe and Three were clung together tighter than an accountant’s buŧŧcheeks in an audit. They too went far through the air their trajectory was not identical to Ethel’s thier height was much lower. They crashed through some slimy sap that was coating some bushes getting throughly coated in the process. They hit many bird’s nest causing feathers to be stuck to on their clothes,hair,and skin. Through a cosmic twist of fate a long forgotten magical mirror reflected and focused a beam of sunlight from the ground in their passing igniting the both of them as they glided through the air.

Like the flaming birds of myth they flapped their arms in pain letting go of each other before they crashed to the soft turf beneath them. They rolled and swatted themselves to put out the flames on the green grass beneath them until they extinguished. Joe was the first to recover. Three had the wind knocked out of her she wheezed on the ground trying to regain her breath. Joe stood over her as he looked down at his wife he spoke.

“This is a great look on you.”

“What look? Why are you smiling?” Three hacked up a loogie.

“This bald thing, you’ll get used to it thank God I am already slicked clean from that fire the other day don’t worry it’s more hygienic for you to be slick down there let the air blow on it for awhile until you pass judgement.”

Three looked down indeed she was slicker than greased owl shit not a single hair remained. ‘He might be right… I was found of those boy shorts though.Time to fix that stupid grin a little corrective dentistry.’

She swiftly sat up and punched him soundly in his yarbles.

‘Good thing I don’t want kids. If she kerps doing this I’ll be sterile for sure.’ Joe though to himself “Pain is weakness leaving the body. You must first piss blood to piss excellence. Thirst is temptation distracting the mind. A distracted mind cannot conquer the body.” Joe recited the Soul Cleansing Sutra under his breath.

“Really? You keep repeating that load of shit… just stop it.” Three was not amused by it anymore.

“Well wifey dearest, it keeps me sane and drives you crazy so I see it as a win win.” Joe grinned and quickly stepped back from striking range.

Then he heard the snort of a pig.

‘Old Timer why did you bump into me?’

Jimbo shook his head a bit just to be sure he wasn’t mishearing the voice in his head.

“Who are you?”

‘Well the boy calls me Jeffy. You have about 4 seconds to help me make up my mind if you are snack or company.’

“If the boy you speak of was the one with me then I’m his father.”

‘You guys don’t favor at all. Maybe you smell just a tad bit alike. I want a drink and you guys kind of owe me for ruining my day.’

“Well for both of our sakes, I hope the she-devil didn’t put too much if a dent in my private reserves last night.”

‘Have you ever had truffles with your whiskey old man?’