A Slackers Guide To Immortality - Chapter 48

“At long last the day of the Treasure Fair is upon us. I want everyone in formal robes… Don’t look at me like that Three, yes you too. I know it has flowers on it I know they are hideous but that’s real silk I payed a bundle for it. You are going to wear it.” The Elder was looking at a checklist and coordinating the Tater Slaves in the midst of loading up the Truck Of Hauling. ‘Sweet 20 tons of meat about 6 tons of potatoes and 450 jars of the Sky Rider energy brew. I kept about 100 jars of Space Walker Elixer back in the root cellar for our personal use but who knows if the customers want something stronger I’ll be happy to part with it for 20 spirit stones each.’

“You idiots! Quit dropping the merchandise! How am I supposed to sell ham hocks all covered in dirt! Heavens above please give me the strength not to bleed out a dumbass today.” The Scholar was drawing in his breath past clenched teeth.

‘Let’s face facts here Scholar we are tossing smoked meat into the back of an ore hauler. I understand that there’s bed sheets under the meat but all of us are going to be sitting on top of the meat as we ride up to the top of the mountain.’ Brother Scar really wanted to give The Scholar an earful but he kept his peace.

“You heard the boss, stop dropping the meat instead we can let our ȧss sweat add more flavor on the ride!” Three was drinking a piss warm Onangaga Beer that she grabbed off the ground outside the Elder’s shack. It was one of the few leftovers from the experimental mixing. ‘That syrup cauldron is never going to be fit for anything else now. I guess it’s now The Blood Pot of Brewing.’ she snickered as she went inside the shack to retrieve her formal robes and black sock hat. She went to the 3/4″ piece of galvanized pipe that served the Elder as a closet rod,sliding the several odd hideous bathrobes out of the way she eventually reached an equally hideous tulip printed silk kimono stained with pig grease splotches. ‘Why did I ever think eating bbq in this thing a good idea? Why can’t grandad get with the times nobody but traditionalists still worry about formalities.’ She slipped the kimono on over her singlet and kept on her green tracksuit bottoms. As she walked out the door she pilfered a few chocolates and carried her tracksuit top with her outside to the hauler climbed up the ladder then tossed her jacket on the bench seat. “I’m riding in the cab!” she called out as she was closing the door.

Jimbo and Ethel had worked many hours without sleep but the skeeter bike was finished finally. “You reckon our baby boy is gonna like it sweety pie?” Jimbo gave a gaptoothed grin as he turned his ratchet a final time securing on the last training wheel made from some salvaged wheels off of a hand dolly. ‘I’m glad she’s such a good hand in the shop.Those acrylic nails had me fooled she can get greasy with the best of them. Finest arc welds I have ever seen!’

“Jimbo I expect you to go to the nearest Marston’s to beg, borrow, or steal me some new furniture this place is a dump! Not a single designer piece on the whole property!” She screamed this from underneath the new bike they were making for themselves. She took a 5/16″ sheet metal screw from a plastic tray nearest her and some Pemmytix gasket sealer. She ran a small bead of the sealer around the edge of the oil pan in her left hand then immediately took her nutdriver and began to screw the sheet metal screws in place. ‘It still hurts like a bitch, but between the rotgut and these truffles I been managing fairly well. I can’t do any delicate work with it and it’s bound to heal crooked but hey to live is to break,cut,rivet,fasten and torque so sayeth The Book Of Big Papa John John… at least according to Drunkle LaLa. I only ever saw that leatherbound monstrosity come out at Daytona before the manatee mating is performed, LaLa makes a big show of reading the book but I only ever saw one word in it, like somebody started a story but never wrote more than that word.’ After she got them all the way in she backed each of the 12 screws back out a half turn. “Jimbo do you own a dial wrench?”

“I might have one banging around but I usually just put things in either finger tight or I put the man hands to it on the wrench.” Jimbo declared with pride as he flexed his biceps.

“There really is no hope for you Herley would fire you on the first day at any of thier shops. Ok dɨċkus humongous find me a torque wrench so I can put 35 lbs on each of these screws.” Ethel spat back with a tiny laugh.

“Jimbo I went to shit earlier I found all of your pȯrn.” It was Ethel’s turn to smile.’How much pȯrn does a guy need seriously? Thank all that’s right with the world that this caveman never got a computer all he’d do is sit in a padded chair with a tub of axle grease. on a folding tv tray and his grubby pants around his ankles… jeez that’s an image. I know he’s got to have some money or stones around here somewhere. I’ll clean up a little bit everyday until the day I can clean him out.’

“Whatever killjoy when are we ready to ride? I’ll get these foot pegs on the back of the skeeter bike so Blue can ride bitch with Grubworm.” Jimbo got to work a little on the deflated side as he unearthed his son and the stubby former cop he had affectionately taken to calling nephew. “Come over here boys after you get you legs under here I’ll learn you something about machine shops.”

“First Rule Always wear eye protection! I don’t care how thick your skin is your eyes are fragile and irreplaceable. Wear ANZI approved goggles or El Cheapo Terrifico sunglasses anything is better than nothing when you are drilling or grinding. I’ll be happy to cover more shop rules later as they come up but for right now both of you need some El Cheapos but all I have around here is some plexiglass and this safety wire so we’ll use that.” Jimbo cut the two younger men a 6″X 2″and 1/8″ thick piece of plexiglass from an old shower door that he grabbed out of the plastics pile that Ethel had been nice enough to start for him.

‘ It saves so much time but I still can’t get used to it… Throwing off my groove. That bitch better not start organizing my tools or else I’ll never get anything done.’ Jimbo grabbed a blowtorch, a pair of vicegrips, and a small nail. He heated the nail up until it was glowing then he pushed it through the plexiglass creating a very neat little hole on each end of the plastic. “There now you two take that snare wire and tie it off to the holes then run it around your gourds.” They wete both kitted out with makeshift eye protection that immediately began to fog rendering their field of vision to pretty much nil. They had learned it was best just to shut up and roll with whatever these crazy fuċkers said and told them to do than to argue or point out flaws. “Follow me boys but don’t stand too close,You’ll get in my way.”

Jimbo grabbed some 3/4″ all thread then took it to a diamond bladed chop saw cutting off two pieces about 14 inches long. He removed the training wheels from the back of the bike then took them over to his standing drill press he grabbed his mostly complete drill index he selected an 11/16″ twist bit from the box after the holes were completed he used the appropriate tap then secured the all thread through the newly completed holes with the use of a 24″ pipewrench. “There all set now you may as well keep those goggles on you need to ride this skeeter bike to The Elder’s House. Grubworm get on that little beast and fire her up!” Jimbo was beside himself with pride and excitement.

“Ok Tinker I can’t wait to feel the wind on my face. Are you guys going to follow behind me just in case I crash or run put of gas?” Joe was actually a bit happy with the thought of riding on his own.

“Don’t worry boy that little skeeter bike won’t do much more than 20-25 mph it won’t hurt you much if you hit something broken collarbone most likely… with all tjat weight on it I’d be surprised if you hit more than 15 mph with it.” Jimbo grinned again.

Ethel had slid out from under the bike They had christened The Murder Bike 2019. It had a sidecar and was painted primer gray. It resembled an old first gen Fatboy but with the addition of the sidecar looked more like a messenger bike from the last cultivator war.

“No they’ll do about 45 even with the added weight. While you were off in your fap shack I took that little Briggs and Griggs apart I bored that bitch out .80 over found a doner piston and ring from a bigger yard tractor then I shortened the power transfer chain and made the gear sets a bit bigger so I wouldn’t hesitate to say he might get 70 on a steep downhill slope by himself. Oh don’t look at me like that Jimbo he’s a grown ȧss man you shouldn’t have given him a skeeter bike in the first place.” Ethel was a bit indignant about the way Jimbo had handled the situation so she remidied it herself. Jimbo just looked down at her red thɨġh high boots specifically at the pointed toes of those boots. “Yes honey toes whatever you say…” He nodded his head as he licked his lips. ‘Damn those toes haunt my dreams. I want those stocking covered toes jammed up my nostrils.’

Joe and Blue took this opportunity to slip outside with the microbike quietly and cranked it up outside as they immediately tossed those shitty goggles on top of a disorganized trash pile.

“Gun this dirty bitch I swear I won’t bring out my citation book!” Blue slapped Joe on the shoulder as he climbed on the back.