A Slackers Guide To Immortality - Chapter 49

The Elder and the others had begun the 2 hour journey to the peak while the bikers were lollygagging behind. Murder Bike 2019 had long passed Joe and Blue. “Damnit why doesn’t this thing go any faster?” Blue cursed aloud because he was rather hungry.

“Look I got the fuċker pegged out it’s the incline working against us.What else do you want me to do?”Joe tried to twist the throttle open more however the spring on the throttle body broke leaving it jammed wide open.

“Only one thing to do we have to lay her over.” Phil spoke up from the back pegs.

“Nahh bro we are still climbing at a slow decent clip, We’ll be alright.”Joe had confidence that everything was going to work out just fine.

The Elder and company had a breakdown further up the mountain themselves.After The Elder set the air brake he opened the door to address The Tater Slaves. “Alright you lazy shits get off the truck it’s overheated so we’re gonna push it the rest of the way… tow truck driver or brother Audi I don’t really care who but one of you needs to get in there and steer.Those of you in the back grab a few jars of Sky Rider out of that crate and spilt one between each of you then put your backs to the bumper to push.” Three popped a chocolate from her pants pocket into her mouth and limbered up with sumo squats just outside the cab. Audi did a pull up to get over the lip of the dump body then army crawled to the front ledge over the cab and got into the driver’s seat. “Grandpa no chocolates for you we need that hypoglycemia rage strength!” Three snatched a candy from Bi’s hand and they all pushed together as soon as they heard the air break unset.

Ethel and Jimbo rode in silence. Eventually they passed the dumptruck. ‘We may as well get up the peak and secure a decent spot for us to offload our shit.’ Jimbo thought as he watched the others push. “Don’t give me that look Ethel. The Murder Bike doesn’t have room for a jobox I got no tools with me.”

“I’m givin you this look because you are pretty shitty at remembering to do maintenance. The Caz hauler has to be 40 years old and I’m pretty sure you guys stole it from a junkyard.”

“Nahh it was a boneyard it had class. Right next to an old mine that played out.”

“Even worse if they left it behind in a boneyard that fuċker had to have been rebuilt umpteen times. I bet you didn’t even bother to check the set screw holding the pulley or bother to change the belts or check for radiator leaks.Papa John John above that’s why I smelled radiator fluid it’s running hot.”

About 45 minutes had passed since the Tinker drove past the Elder. He had made it to the top of the flattened peak and ruins that had served as the home of a demigod in ages lost to history. ‘Stuck up nun bitches made it here before we did got a spot in the center. Looks like the north side of the peak is still pretty open.I’ll park the bike over there.’ Jimbo pulled in the bike and killed the engine.

“Ok honey we are here this is it the Mt. Goshen Treasure Fair.” Jimbo reached into his pants pocket for his pouch of chaw and stuck in a fat quid and began to chomp down on it.

“Treasure Fair seriously? There’s like 4 vendors and I only see one other sect.” Ethel wasn’t impressed in the least.

“Relax sugar toes. It’s still pretty early those crazy bastards in the chainmail haven’t showed up yet.”

“Who still wears chainmail this day and age?” Ethel was interested now.

“Well they call themselves LARPERS.”

“What’s that mean?”

“They used to be from the Road Finders Society ,a doogooder bunch, LARPERS got rid of their harps and got more practical. Real pain in the ȧss to deal with eventually they got fed up with the bureaucracy and set out on their own. Instead of mystical tetrahedron dice and gay ȧss spell names that only did a 5ftX5ft splash damage they took up the foam blades.”

“Foam blades won’t hurt anyone.”

Ethel merely nodded her head in approval.

“Stop squirming so much it’s getting hard to balance this little guy.” Joe said to Phil.

“I told you to lay her down or stop so we can try to fix the spring.” Phil leaned to the left while Joe leaned in the opposite direction to keep it upright. Joe had to swerve to the outside edge of the mountain path to avoid hitting the rest of the sect that was pushing the dumptruck up the steep grade. His bike went off the side of the mountain.

Down far below the Onangaga Beer rep was driving a nice little box truck filled with slightly expired beer that the company said he could give out for free. ‘God damn how am I supposed to sell this shit to anyone but Gypsies or street bums. This branding the company has built for itself is as a beer of last resort only fit for fringe society. “Official Beer of The Trailer Park” they call it. Terrible choice letting the Gypsy King get a 51% stake in the company. “Only way I’ll ever get taxes from my people.” Who the fuċk is he kidding Gypsies don’t pay for shit they just rob the liquor store.’

“Hey Regis do you think I should get in the jump seat on top maybe get some footage of the area? It’s so nice maybe we could talk corporate into getting rid of that generic label on the can or even convince them that kid’s these days want bottled beer.” Stanley his coworker asked from the back as he slurped down a beer in from a cardboard flat in the back.

“By all means. Not sure if it’ll do any good but if it tickles your pickle go for it.”

Stanley had just opened up the hatch and set up his MOCO to try to find some local wildlife to pan into the frame. It locked on to a far away target in the distance. At first he thought it was a bird but as he zoomed in on the object he found out it was two guys on a minibike. ‘Fucking hell that took balls. If they survive they are gonna need help. Good thing I got this awesome footage before the crash.’

“Regis stop the truck I may have just found our PR Golden Ticket.”

“Shut up Stanley about that Golden Ticket you know Momma June’s Prunes folded from that promotion. Bino City outlawed prunes because the shit was knee deep in the diwntown area with all those kids trying to tour the prune factory.”