A World Without String Is Chaos - Chapter 40

Emily is alone at the villa. She just returned from seeing Carlos, and Sarah is out with her friends. She drinks red wine from a crystal glass. She sees her reflection in a million shattered pieces, but she never felt so whole before than this moment.

Mark is abroad, doing gigs and schmoozing with other musicians and executives. They talk on the phone. Mark is a cute boy- Emily realized what a mama’s boy he is. She smiles.

She remembers when Mark was born, how she was so confused, not knowing if she’ll be able to be a good mother. She was afraid that Carlos, the local boy that she finally gave a chance, would leave her, too. She was afraid what her parents might say, and more what they might think, about her love child with Fred. And Fred. She was afraid that he’ll forget about her.

Emily was no stranger to men or sex before she met Fred. She was, and still is, thank you very much, beautiful. She had gotten used to the stares at probably too young of an age. Emily learned how much of an object of desire she is. But, she learned how to play men, too. When to smile, when to frown. Oh, she had been played a fool by players, of course. But Emily played the game to win.

She loved sex. She loved to be held, to be touched, to be penetrated. She loved the look on the guys when they came inside her.

‘I make you happy.’

‘I’m the reason you’re happy.’

‘You have nothing without me.’

She found the faces they made so funny, so pathetic, even. She never wondered what she looked like when she came, because she already knew- she looked sexy as all hell.

But she really did love sex, too. What more proof of the man’s presence is there if not when he’s inside her? And how can she express her own being more than wrapping herself around him? What more perfect union could there be but the act of love?

Then she met Fred.

“I often fear that what I see, hear, feel, is not real.”

Emily remembers thinking, “Wow, this kid’s a virgin.” She wasn’t wrong.

But Fred continued.

“There’s nothing I can say or do to you to prove I’m real.”

“Break it down, and we’re all just colors and shapes. Touching is so immediate and real, but it’s just a outlining of contours. Texture. Maybe I’m wrong to break it down in the first place, but I did, and it’s hard to see the whole person again.”

Emily remembers trying giving this thought a chance, but she recalled the best sex she had, ever, and she just couldn’t get it. She felt so alive- the climax, the bodies quivering in ecstasy. What’s more real than that?

Fred finished with this:

DID YOU EVER CONNECT WITH SOMEONE, KNOW WHAT THEY’RE THINKING, SEE THE WORLD THROUGH THEIR EYES?

DID YOU EVER TOUCH A SOUL?

AND WERE YOU YOURSELF ONLY A PASSING FEELING FOR HIM?

Emily remembers hating Fred when he said that. You don’t say stuff like that to girls. Especially a girl as hot as her.

You tell girls like her that she’s the only girl in the world.

She remembers she was about to ditch him, but Emily looked at him.

She saw the loneliest man in the world.

Someone so detached from others, that they weren’t even an other.

If not an other, then what?

AN unknown?

She shudders. How lonely it must be.

So she fucked him for a month.

Fred was not great in bed, to say the least. Oh he tried, and he did get better, but Emily wasn’t fucking him for her. She just wanted to show Fred that, hey, I’m real. I’m fucking you. Right now!

Emily wonders if she ever did reach him.

But in her heart, she knew. That she did.

Yeah, she’ll admit it. Did she ever really care about the men she loved?
for visiting.

And the scariest thought of all- did they really care about her at all?

Emily sighed. Fred had stayed loyal to her, as in, she was the only woman in his life.

And she didn’t even need to fuck him to stay.

That mattered more to her than she’d like to admit. She wondered what other city girl Fred will marry eventually, and treat herself as an island fling every other summer.

But he didn’t do that.

And that meant the world to her.

So she bought the villa, to be with him, however far he was away.

She feels the red wine warm her body. She feels her face flush, and she knows how red she must look.

Fred told her how he’ll be traveling. She wished he would find what he was looking for.

Emily smiled.

I love you