Abiogenisis - Chapter 3 The Leading Horse Was White

Death: Now, you may be wondering: “Why is Death not a calcium based lifeform?” Firstly, that’s racist. Stop discriminating against forces of nature. Besides, how would a calcium based lifeform even work? Endless joint articulation, an inability to speak, good Lord, think of the horror. And besides, by being in the flesh, I am subverting expectations. Now, here in Hell, we provide all sorts of services. Y’know, services for people of all sorts. The youn-ahem. People of varying ages. Much better. But in all seriousness, parents, vaccinate your kids. I really don’t want to deal with anymore confused or upset seven year olds. Oh, and we also provide legal services. None of the biblical-holier-than-thou “eternal damnation” stuff though. The guilty ones in question having to spend all of eternity with their victims, that ought to be just enough. Now then, Susan, what’s next on our agenda?

Susan: Why not the chil-

Death: Of course! The childcare centre. No. Not today. I am not mentally prepared for such a task. It’ll be a Herculean feat. No, instead, let us go to the zoo. Yes.

Susan: Sir, what do you have against children?

Death: See, unlike my colleague over there, God, my employees do not have an unhealthy obsession with children. Aight?

Susan: Very well sir.

*curtains close*

Death: Right, move that table over there, and bring that damned rhino into the room.

*sound of wheels rolling, followed by a sharp cry of pain*

Death: GODDAMNIT, CAN YOU BE MORE CAREFUL WHEN YOU SHIFT PIECES OF FURNITURE?

Host: You can’t tell me what to do.

Death: Sod off.

*curtains open. A rather unpleasant looking enclosure, with a sign on top of the gate reading: “Who knew that the forces of evolution would be so d*ckish?”*

Death: Welcome, welcome, to my zoo. It’s quite large, and, thanks to you people, more and more creatures are being added by the day. Thanks to you people, I’ve been getting entire species faster than I could have ever hoped for. But then again, I suppose that all of Hell is a giant zoo. I mean, you do count as exhibitions. Anyways, shall we see these creatures?

*Death enters the zoo.*

Death: Now, on the left, you can see these amazing creatures. They’re Dickinsonia. I mean, look at them. They probably don’t even know that they’re dead. I dunno. We can’t cut any of them up. Let’s move on. Now, we have perhaps one of the greatest animals of all time. The dodo. I mean, look at it. It’s essentially nature’s equivalent of a pampered child. No natural predators, enough food, I mean, how lucky were they?

Susan: Sir, they went extinct.
for visiting.

Death: I know, I know, but they had a jolly good time when they weren’t being brutally murdered.

Susan: On the island there were flash foods, and sporadic volcanic activity, sir.

Death: Yeah, but when they weren’t getting screwed over, they must have been fine. Oh, and by the way, how do you find your enclosure, eh?

Susan: I’m not quite sure that I understand what you mean

Death: Oh, please, you’re an animal. And besides, everyone knows that in terms of intelligence, well, it’s the mice, then the dolphins, and then you lot. Your enclosure is the entirety of the zoo, my dear. It’s like a bandaid. But an invisible, intangible bandaid that’s for your psyche. I mean, you can either think of this as your enclosure, or your prison.