Author's Reincarnation in a Fantasy Setting - Chapter 363: It’s been hard, hasn’t it?
Req came forward and then held my hand. I could feel that, I could feel her skin, I could feel the softness of her hand, her delicate fingers, and everything else. However, that was not true for her.
She could feel none of it. It was the cost she had to pay in order to become immortal, and looking at how she didn’t CHOOSE to be a spiritual entity all of it rather seemed like a curse.
“How…” I said. “How can I go back?” I asked. I was unsure of it myself as I didn’t exactly know what she was asking me to do.
“Just don’t think about manipulating me,” she replied. “Tell me Zero, what was the reason you wanted to use me?”
“Because you are strong, and if I made you feel like I loved you then you will do anything I want you to do. Basically, you are a valuable asset whom I didn’t want to lose at all cost. That’s why to ensure that you never betray me or never leave me, I went along with this plan,” I explained.
“It…makes me kinda happy to know you think so highly of me. But there’s a flaw in your analysis Zero,” she said.
“What is it?”
“There is no way I can never leave you or try to betray you. First of all, I won’t ever think about doing that even in my dreams. But other than that there’s the contract I have with you which was made when you released me from the seal. You are my master, and I can’t exist without you,” she said.
“So, what I’m trying to say is. You only have to trust me and try to rely on me. I have been watching over you for a long time now and I know that you want to do everything alone and by yourself, however, I’m sure you have also noticed that it is starting to take a toll on you now.
“And that is only to be expected, Zero. No one can be alone for too long. After all, humans are creatures who are made to live in groups.”
“But…” I spoke up. “Every time I have tried to rely on other people something has gone wrong…either I ended up hurting them or got hurt due to them. And I’m too dangerous to be left with people anyway.
“I’m sure something will go wrong this time too…That’s why! That is exactly why I have always opted to be alone! If I’m alone that automatically solves everything! There is no need to worry about anything!
“When I’m alone I don’t have to worry about the consequences of the things I do because I know I can handle them! However, that is not the case with others! There’s no way to know whether they will be able to keep up with me or not! And aside from everything else…you know the type of person I am!
“I use people! I can cause them pain without regretting anything! I can destroy peoples’ lives if it benefits me in the end and I won’t hesitate for a second before doing it! I have literally killed not only because it would help me in my matters but also because I just fucking wanted to!
“You see, Req! I enjoy the pain of others! I like the screams! I like it when they shiver in fear and pain! I like it when they beg for their lives! I love that absolute look of horror on their faces!
“But the thing is! I don’t want to be that way! This is never what I wanted, this is not how I wanted to be! At least not this time! I wanted to live a peaceful life, have a loving family, and live how a normal person is supposed to!
“That is all I wanted but this world wouldn’t even let me have that much! I am thrown into this hell fighting with demons and shit and forced into an environment where I can’t help but rely on my shitty side if I want to survive and move forward toward a better future for me and my family!
“And yeah! I HAVE TO DO IT ALONE…I-I…I CAN’T BE WITH OTHER PEOPLE…IT IS…even if I…COUGH COUGH…want…COUGH COUGH COUGH…to…COUGH COUGH COUGH…”
Screaming that hard had me down on the ground and coughing badly. My mouth was dry, my throat was stinging and my chest was in piercing pain. I held my throat in order to calm my coughing and slowly gained control.
“It’s alright, Zero,” Req said as she sat on the ground near me. “You can relax now,” she stretched out her arms toward me and held my head, drawing me close to herself.
“You have been strong for too long, I understand that now. It’s true that you don’t let much of your feelings out, after all, even I was not able to figure out all this despite being with you for so long.
“But now I know, and that is all that matters,” as she said those words she brought my head close to her chest, hugging me.
“It’s been hard, hasn’t it?” she asked. At this point, I was basically resting my head on her lap.
“…” I said nothing to that question.
“You have been fighting everything alone for so long, but you can rest now. Right now I am here with you, and from now on I will always be with you. Not because of some contract, but because I want to,” slowly she started stroking my hair with her hands.
I was not looking up so I couldn’t see what kind of look she had on her face but for some reason, I felt like it would be a really nice look.
“You can rest, Zero. You can relax now. Also, you don’t have to hate yourself for having such a personality. Just the fact that you realize it’s not the right thing to do, already makes you better than someone who does not recognize that.
“I promise, together we will get through all this and you will have the peaceful life you want. And you will never be alone again, Zero.”
Her voice felt really nice right now, there was a strange sort of softness and warmth in it. She was continuously stroking my hair as I lay there on the ground resting my head on her lap.
That was the last thing I remember from that day, since a few moments later I fell asleep just like that.
