Beefs and Breads: A Cozy Dwarf Tale - Book 3: Chapter 1: The Manticore's Gullet

“45 bottles of beer on the wall! 45 bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around, 44 bottles of beer on the wall!”

The song echoed through the ginormous cleft in the walls of Crack, the sound of a dozen dwarven voices lifted in a merry tune.

There was a pause before 44 bottles, and the sound of chugging, before the next verse was sung.

“44 bottles of beer on the wall, 44 bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around, 43 bottles of beer on the wall!”

We all laughed as the blonde-bearded Johnsson tried to finish drinking his bottle before collapsing to the floor, his eyes rolling back into his head. Well, mostly blonde-bearded, he currently had pink tips on his mustache and braids. His usually ruddy skin was flushed a bright pink to match.

“Still a lightweight, Johnsson!” Richter guffawed, before tipping back into his chair as well. We waited a beat, but he didn’t get back up. A snore rose from the dark-skinned southerner’s lips, and we all turned back to our singing.

“43 bottles of beer on the wall! 43 bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around, 42 bottles of beer on the wall!” Cue more gulping.

“Ugh, I can’t anymore!” Aqua jumped up from her seat and ran to the edge of the wagon. She stuck her head out through a gap in the canvas and the sound of retching reached our ears. The gigantic human sitting scrunched up in a corner, reached over to pat her back.

Aqua peeked back bleary-eyed and rubbed at her blue moutache. “Thanks Kirk.”

“My pleasure!” He flashed her a stunning smile and a wink. The brown haired, white-skinned Kirk Manly was almost depressingly handsome. With a voice worthy of an audiobook narrator, and a body to match, he was the quintessential manly man.

“This is an incredible waste of God given Abilities.” The diminutive pink-haired gnomess sitting beside me complained. Unlike the dwarves circled cross-legged in the wagon, she was drinking from a cup of tea. Instead of armour, Raspberrysyrup was dressed in a frilly lace dress that complemented her porcelain skin. The purple-haired gnomess beside her – her manager Amethyst – nodded in agreement.

I, Peter Roughtuff, dwarf male, age 50, single, was dressed in a stylish leather gambeson with an open neck. A pair of silvery shoulderpads matched my finely crafted bracers. I’d tossed my black gorget aside a while earlier, along with my black chestguard; they were just a bit too uncomfortable with the shaking of the carriage.

I pulled at my curly reddish-brown beard, and raised a set of incredibly bushy eyebrows. “If tha Gods didn’t want me ta make infinite beer, they shouldnae ‘ave given me an Ability that lets me.” I patted the cask beside me and activated my Ability again. “[Bottomless Barrel]!”

“I think it’s great! Means we don’t need to worry about having enough to drink for the trip.” Annie said, as she began refilling castoff bottles from the now literally bottomless barrel.

“You know Brewer Pete, when you told me you choose [Bottomless Barrel] as an Ability, I thought it a strange choice.” A shock-white bearded dwarf murmured from where he was nursing his own bottle – a brown coloured affair from his own brewery. He was dressed in the black armoured robes of a Master Brewer, and for once didn’t smell of onions. “But I must say that I do understand now. This game of yours is amusing to watch!!”

Raspberrysyrup rolled her eyes. As the only other secret Earth native on this cart, and an accomplished musician to boot, she wasn’t the biggest fan of me teaching everyone the quintessential classic, “99 bottles of beer on the wall”.

I grinned back at Malt, guildmaster of the Minnova Brewer’s Guild and stowaway-cum-self-invitee on our little quest to the dwarven capital of Kinshasa. Speaking of Quests, I had quite a few cluttering up my hindbrain now.

Inactive Quest: All’s Fair in Love and War 1/7

You’ve discovered your first other Chosen, now sabotage them!

Chosen Sabotaged: 0/1

Rewards: [Karmic Reversal + 1]

Quest: Dwarven Influencer Part 7/10

The dwarves need your help. Influence 1,000,000 dwarves with your otherworldly alcohol knowledge.

Dwarves Influenced: 536,325/1,000,000

Rewards: [Pete’s Poor Manasight]

Quest: More Brews Part 1/5!

You’ve completed your first new beer. More! MORE!

Invent eight new drinks. Mixes don’t count.

Drinks Invented: 5/8

Rewards: 0.2 Strength

Quest: Gnomish Influencer Part 6/10!

The gnomes need your help. Influence 100,000 gnomes with your otherworldly alcohol knowledge.

Gnomes influenced: 76,321/100,000

Rewards: [Sense Poison]

Do you accept?

Yes / No

New Quest: On The Road Again

New frontiers! New sights! New Dangers! New people to get angry at you!

Thus begins the next major step on your journey!

Reach Kinshasa Alive: 123.4/273.5 km traveled

Rewards: 1 Agility

Do you accept?

Stolen novel; please report.

Yes / No

I really needed to get on that ‘More Brews’… I’d make sure to start pumping new drinks out in Kinshasa ASAP.

Almost halfway to Kinshasa according to ‘On The Road Again’. This cross country trip was an interesting change from the usual grind, but dear Gods it took forever to travel by wagon. 300 clicks was barely an afternoon drive back home, but it was going to take us nearly THREE WEEKS. That was forever! And it was worse because I could literally see the world changing while we were stuck in rickety-wagon-limbo.

My ‘Gnomish Influencer’ quest had been rapidly running up during our trip, and quickly reached level 6, granting me a bonus to dexterity and intelligence. All the moving of boxes and carrying equipment had also upped my strength by 1. My ‘Dwarven Influencer’ quest was also increasing again for some reason. I suspected it had to do with the wagons filled with barrels of Thirsty Goat beer I’d seen pass us headed for Kinshasa.

I pulled up my status sheet and gave it a read while Aqua began retching again and Malt and Annie began arguing about the best colour for bottles. It appeared today’s round of ‘beers on the wall’ had come to an end.

Status: Provided by the Firmament

Name: Peter Roughtuff

Age: 50

Conditions: [Blessed]

Race: Dwarf

Blessings: [Flesh to Stone], [Flash of Insight x 2], [Strength of All: Held], [Regeneration], [Minimap], [Refine Brew]

Title: [Otherworldly Brewer]

Milestones: [Power Pick], [Basic Slash], [White Lie], [Mental Maths], [Big Money], [Bottomless Barrel], [Thick Skin], [Friend: Gnomes], [Pete’s Miniature Remembrance], [Check Quality]

Strength: 16.4

Vitality: 19 [23]

Agility: 12.2

Dexterity: 14.4

Wisdom: 15.4

Intelligence: 16.4

Perception: 18.4

Charisma: 17.4

I hopped up from the drinking circle and went forward to peer outside. The carriage in front of us was an ornate affair, with runes emblazoning the sides to provide magical comforts. That was Bran and Opal’s carriage. In front of them lay Copperpot’s massive wagon, along with a cart for his guards. I couldn’t see it from here, but I knew that the main reason for our slow travel, Raspberrysyrup’s stage wagon, was trundling slowly behind us, followed by my good colleague Whistlemop’s ostentatious salescart.

At the very rear was a surprise addition, a cart belonging to the Brightstar Adventuring group. They’d decided to tag along with us to Kinshasa on the spur of the moment. Their leader, Starshine Morris, was a statuesque [Juggernaut] who walked, talked, and – as far as I could tell – slept, in her shining silver armor. She was affable and charismatic, but more uptight than a college dorm RA. I couldn’t fault her for it, since she was responsible for the safety and wellbeing of my brother in the dangerous dungeons of this world.

They were headed to Deepcore dungeon in Kinshasa, and hoped to make a name for themselves in the capital.

Speaking of Balin…

“Thanks for driving the cart, brother.” I clapped him on the back and plunked down beside him on the driver’s seat.

“No problem, Pete.” Balin said, his eyes never leaving the road. His golden armor took up a lot of space on the seat, forcing me to the very edge of the sewing wagoneer’s seat. Sheer rock cliffs passed by us on each side, slowly coming together far above our heads. I would have been terrified of rockslides if I didn’t know that dwarven [Speakers] and [Stoneshapers] often passed through here, ensuring the safety and strength of the roads and walls.

We were currently passing through a section of the road between Kinshasa and Minnova called The Manticore’s Gullet. It was one of the few places in Crack that wasn’t completely open, narrowing down to a “mere” twenty meters or so wide. It had once been the domain of a Manticore, but was now simply a long narrow passage separating the enormous bowl that housed MInnova, and the Western Territories of Crack.

It was the perfect place for an ambush, which was why there was a permanent contingent of Highwatch stationed here. I nodded up as we passed by a grim-faced dwarf standing watch in a cleft in the cliff above us and he nodded back curtly. Then we passed them by and there was only a blank wall to look at again.

“What are you goin’ ta do when we get to Kinshasa?” I smalltalked.

“We’re goin’ to tha adventurin’ guild first. We need ta get registered there, and spend a few weeks doin’ research before we go to tha dungeon. Cannae go in until ya pass a written test.”

I blinked. “A… written test? For adventuring?”

“Aye. Fer tha monsters and geography and other dangers. Tha guild won’t let ya in unless ya can prove ya know what yer gettin’ into. Aishablue bought a few books and we’ve been reading them during our breaks.” Balin tapped the side of his head.

“Ya’know, that makes an incredible amount of sense.”

“Did they not have it back in yer home?”

“No dungeons, but there were a lot of times I wished people needed to take a written test first.” I sighed. “Like becoming a parent, or a politician.”

“Hah! Wouldn’t that be nice!” Balin guffawed. “What about you lot? You’ll be busy!”

“Aye. So much to do. When we arrive we’ll be given a location to build a brewery, and then about a month to build and staff it. The cost is covered by the Crown, so I’ll be working with Copperpot to automate as much of it as possible. He has some ideas for specialised golems we’re excited to test.”

“Like Georgie?” Balin asked, referring to the plucky Goldstone family golem. We’d left Georgie behind in Minnova, much to the regret of our backs. The greybeards we’d left to run the brewery definitely needed him more than us though.

I shook my head. “Nothing like Georgie. More like… an arm that does one thing over and over again. Or a wheel that spins by itself. It’s a golem, but not. Back home we called them robots, or automated systems.”

“Sounds interestin’.’”

“Oh, Copperpot is going crazy over it. The Pots have been using similar principals in their engineering devices, especially their drills and diggers. This may revolutionize brewing and other industries everywhere!”

“Won’t it be expensive? That sounds like a lot o’ magic stones.”

“Aye, but the crown’ll be payin’ for it.” I grinned, maliciously. I’d sent a lot of gold upriver earlier this year, and I was itching to get some of it back, plus interest.

“Bran’ll be with ya, right? Ma Annie was talkin’ bout a tavern instead of a brewpub.”

“Yeahhhh, Annie wants to upgrade to a full inn with an attached brewpub; to encourage travelers to stay. She thinks it’ll help spread the word about our beers, since our main clientele would be passing through en-route to distant shores.” I swept my hand expansively to the very short horizon.

I wasn’t too keen on the idea, but that was probably just fear of change. It could be interesting, and besides, owning a fantasy tavern was every brewer’s dream! I’d be the wise barkeep that everyone tipped to learn ‘what’s goin’ on in town’!

I pulled nervously at my beard. “But first, before we get to Kinshasa I need to come clean to the rest of the crew. About my past.”

Balin looked away from the road for a moment to give me a raised eyebrow. “Why now?”

“Things could get dicey in Kinshasa, and I want everyone to know how and why I know stuff. Plus there’s some potential danger I need everyone to keep an eye out for. Plus, I promised Richter I would.”

Balin’s brows drew back down and his voice dropped to a whisper. “Is it tha thing with tha Game you were tellin’ me about?”

“Aye. I’ll tell everyone tonight. Keep up the good driving, I’m going back to see if I can’t actually down the full 99 beers before I pass out or explode.”

“Alright, Pete! I can’t wait ta see tha look on Johnsson’s face when you tell everyone!”