Being The Carefree Empress - 32 Memories

“I’m here to say goodbye, Reenste.”

I couldn’t explain why, but for a moment my heart stopped beating. As if those words uttered were the final hit that my heart have been waiting all this morning to completely shut down. I’ve been thinking about him this morning so much, I tried to fight it because I know it’ll just cost me to be hurt. Yet here I am. Hurt… I’m hurt?

“Is that so? Where will you be going then?” I carefully sat at the porch floor. I lowered my head, patting my robe clean as if it was dusty. Although in fact, I’m just hiding my face. I feel my lower eyelid is getting warm and damp from the emerging tears. This is so embarrassing. I’ve worried the kids too much today and I wouldn’t let Erden worry in my own selfish feelings.

“W-we’ll be going ahead and do our chores, My Lady…” I heard Ava’s frantic voice as she ushered Eva and Elvio away. I looked at Elvio who was just staring at me with worried eyes. I just showed him a smile and wave to re-assure him, but it based on his expression that made him more worried. Elvio’s looks like a girl, but he’s such a gentleman.

“So? Are you not going to answer my question, my lord?” I lift my head up to show my smiling face to him, but I couldn’t bear to look at him thus I shut my eyes as I smile. I should look like at least cheeky with my smile right now, right?

But a couple of seconds have passed and he still not saying a word. I want to check if he’s still there. What is his expression right now? Does he think I’m being childish? What does he think about me? I want to know. I want to see him. It hurts. Why does this hurt? I shouldn’t be this invested on this just blossoming feelings, right?

“Reenste, open your eyes and look at me.”

I felt his hand held my chin up and I can feel a warm breathe near my face. No. I can’t give in. I feel like if I see him again as he says his goodbye to where ever place he’s going, I wouldn’t be able to take it and cry. Just being near him makes me sad right now.

“I don’t want to. Answer my question first.” I laughed. I reached out my right hand on his to try and pull away his hand on my chin.

Very quickly I felt a big warm hand holding mine. It feels so new but it warms my heart. It made my heart skip a beat.

“Please, look at me.”

It was said in a very soft spoken voice. There’s almost a hint of feeling hurt in his voice. All the breaks I have in my rationale to stop myself come loose. I quickly opened my eyes and looked at him. Why did his voice sounded like that? Was he hurt? That’s all the question I had in my mind when I heard his voice like that.

Then when I opened my eyes, I saw the familiar face. With unfamiliar expression. His eyes reflect how he’s worried, sad, and hurt as he looks at me. He held my hand close to his face and lovingly caressed his face to mine.

“Just look at me, Reenste.”

I don’t know why, but his smile this time. It made my heart melt and the tears I’ve been holding back poured out.

“You’re so unfair. You’ve suddenly appeared before me, on this new life of mine. You’re surrounded with a lot of mystery, but there’s this warmth you always show me in your own way. You always look at me in a certain way. You always meet my eyes with yours. Now this. Why must you do this, Erden? Do you not know how this affects me? How all my resolve are shaken with this gesture of yours?” I tried pulling my hands away but he remained strong with his grip as he looked at me pouring my tears and heart out to him.

“Why must this be so unfair…”

I slowly felt his grip loosen so I pulled my hand away and covered my face with both my hands. I feel so embarrassed. Although right now physically I’m a 17 years old outside, but inside my mind I’m really 27 years old. So to just cry like that. I must be being carried away.

“I’m sorry… it’s my fault…”

I quickly looked at him. He have a vacant eyes. Just standing there staring looking at the ground.

I quickly snapped myself away from what I’m feeling and reached my hands to him. This isn’t just about me and my feelings.

“Hey! This is not your fault! You did nothing wrong! I was just being selfish!” I stood up and firmly held his face placing both my palm to his cheeks. I looked at him eye to eye and slowly his vacant eyes are gone and life came back to his eyes.

“Reenste…” I smiled at him and caressed his face. Now that I think about it, back then in the garden at Zenith Palace. I almost wanted to held his face, but now…

Inch by inch I touched his whole face. Memorizing the feeling and staring to remember every detail of his face. Starting from his soft cheeks, his pointy nose, his eyebrows, his forehead, and then silky hair. Just everything in his face.

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“Where are you going this time to personally say your goodbye?” I asked again but now I’m looking at him as I still held his face.

“South. I was tasked by His Highness to infiltrate the Eishen Kingdom.” He closed his eyes and held my hands that are in his face. I smiled, but I know my eyes reflect the sadness I’m feeling right now. I’m glad he has his eyes closed now.

“How long?”

“Maybe three months.”

I froze. That’s how long this selection will be held. Look at that Reenste. You two aren’t just meant to be. By the time he came back I’ll either be kept as part of the Emperor’s harem as concubine or if by some fate, as the Emperor’s Consort. Just let it stay this way. Be friends. Maybe if I met the Emperor I’ll change my feelings. I only met Erden 3 times. If I could met the Emperor more than that, then maybe my feelings would change.

“In time, I’ll make sure to never let you be sad again. I wouldn’t do anything to cause you to feel sad and confused again. I will–” I placed my right index finger to his lips and tap his head using my left hand.

“The Emperor would be my family by that time. So there’s no need to worry. I’ll be fine now.” I smiled at him as try my best to hide my sadness. He looked at me and held my hands.

“Reenste just hold on. I will be back.” I just smiled. I don’t want to hold on, Erden. It’ll be better this way.

“Anyways, what do you want to be embroid on your dark blue string bag?” I asked as I pulled away my hands and just sit still holding on my own hands.

“Blue roses.”

—————————————–

I stared at the calm lake. It was this afternoon that Erden visited to say goodbye. He’ll be gone for 3 months. He tried to say something about holding on, but that would just get my hopes up and I don’t need that. From now on I’ll focus on what’s ahead of me. If the Emperor chose me, then he’ll be my family and that should be enough.

As for Erden,now that I’ve cleared my head.

“I only wanted to love him. I never wished for him to love me back.”

As I said those words, my head ached a bit and a memory flashed in my mind. It was the scene before the former Reenste took her life. She said almost the same thing as she looked at the necklace with his cousin’s picture in it.

Necklace?

My head hurts again as I remembered something about the necklace.

“Reenste, my dear child. I’ll leave this to you. When I came back, I’ll show you what this is for.”

That’s the last memory of Reenste’s Mom as she hid her somewhere to hide her away from their pursuers.

The locket is a circle shaped white gold metal with swirly and floral engravings on it and at the middle is where a red diamond is engraved.

I breathe in and out trying to relax myself and my mind. I don’t know why I’m remembering things from former Reenste’s past. But I should probably looked into it. I don’t want to comeback to that household, but it seems I have to for my own peace of mind.