Born From A Divine Gamble - Chapter 126 Honesty

After their copious breakfast, Emp and Galana walked back to the shop of his uncle so that he could find himself a new hammer. On the way, Emp tried to ask her about what he missed while he was in Bêtéclair. In particular, he was wondering why she hadn’t spoke about the death of her grandmother.

“There are many things I want to ask you now that we have some time. I can’t figure out what is true and what is wrong in the letters you sent me.”

“Like what?”

“You said that my books didn’t help you learn magic but you never received them in the first place. More importantly, you never even told me your grandma died, I was shocked to hear it. I want to give you my condolences, I’d have liked to be there.”

“You’d have liked to be there? What does it have to do with you?”

“She’s the second human being I ever truly spoke to. It’s true I don’t know her name but it still feels bad to learn she died. I told her I’d help you and I clearly failed so I feel like I should apologize to her. At least, I’d have liked to give her a final farewell.”

“I’d have liked to give her a final farewell too.” Galana said with saddened face.

Emp didn’t understand what she meant exactly but since he felt it was still a sensitive subject, he was afraid to ask further.

“Can I ask what happened? Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked carefully.

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“I just… I don’t know. I didn’t know if it would interest you or bother you, I didn’t want you to use her as an excuse to come here. I didn’t feel in the mood to talk about it at all either, I felt I might explode if I started talking about it.”

Emp felt irritated that she said that now but just the day before she complained he never came visit. He didn’t want to interrupt her for that however so he kept quiet until she found what she wanted to say.

“I… Grandma, she died because of me.” She spat in a broken voice.

That seemed like it was hard for her to say without starting to cry.

“That can’t be right. There’s no way that’s true.” He tried to say in a comforting tone.

Emp didn’t know what had happened but he was very certain that Galana loved her grandma too much to be the cause of her death.

“It is, it’s all because she tried to help me! She was too old and she overworked herself! She died because she was trying to help me pay my debt!” She started whining and now that the door had been opened, she threw everything out at him. “She died because she wanted to help but it wasn’t enough. If only I had listened to everyone else before, she would still be alive. I couldn’t even assist to her rooting because of that stupid debt iron! They wouldn’t let me get out of the city to help everyone bury her in the woods. I caused her death, I couldn’t say my final farewells and my aunts and uncles didn’t leave me with anything from her. They took everything because they felt I was hopeless and I’d just loose it all to the debt! I was so sad and angry but there was nothing I could do. She worked in vain and I’ve felt so bad all this time.”

Emp thought she was about to cry so he stopped walking and pulled her into hug. It was a bit of an awkward hug because he was wearing his armor but he was hopeful that his sympathy would be conveyed to her anyway. She yelped in surprise when he did and immediately struggled to get free as he kept her head against his chest.

“Don’t, I’ll punch you!”

“You’ve barely got any muscles left and I’m wearing an armor, I don’t mind.”

She knocked her fist against his chest-plate and it just made a dull thud.

“You can do it again if it makes you feel better.”

His words were quickly followed by three harder punches that found themselves just as ineffective. He kept his arms around her and refrained from laughing.

“Does it make you feel better?”

“It’s the worst hug I ever received… It does.”

Emp smiled on the inside. He knew hugs were the best way to make someone feel better! He had seen this at work many times, hugs were a sort of magic he didn’t understand but he was glad they existed.

“I didn’t know your grandma a lot but I know she really cared a lot for you. She wanted to help you and did her best but that doesn’t mean that her efforts were wasted or that you caused her death at all.

She might have overworked herself but you didn’t ask her to do it, she just did because she wanted to protect you.

Sure, it could have went better but she didn’t die in vain either. If she had not worked at the guild that day, I would never have met you. If she had not been there, you’d be a slave to Maurice today, she saved you that day even if she didn’t realize it.”

She didn’t say anything in return but she seemed a lot less tense in his arms now. It was hard to tell because of the armor but he believed he had managed to help her a bit, even if his words couldn’t bring her grandmother back.

The other thing he wanted to let her know was about the rest of her family and her friends.

“I’ve seen a lot of things in the last two years, I’ve learned a lot about family and friends I think. I’ve seen some of my friends die, I’ve seen people ignoring their own grand-kid because they didn’t want the burden, I’ve seen a girl sold to a slaver by her father because his wife didn’t like her and also two girls abandoned by their family because they kept causing problems.

I’ve not only seen bad things though, I’ve seen a guy marry a girl even though she had a baby from another man, I was adopted by Marcy when I had no real family, I’ve seen a girl take care of her young sister when no one else would help, I’ve even seen people sacrifice themselves for a village they knew nothing about.

I didn’t know better last time but I do now. I agree that a family should always be there for each other, your grandmother was just like that and she was a great person. The rest of your family treated you just like you treat your friends. They didn’t want any of your troubles so they cut you loose, likewise, you thought that your friends would cut you loose to escape your problems as you would have done the same.

You are wrong though, friends needs to be there for you when you need them most, not because of a debt but because they care. Friends help each other not because they expect something in return but because they know that the others would have done the same. They’re a bit like family too, one you choose yourself with trust instead of blood.”

“You might be the only one who thinks that, none of my friends even came to see if I was fine this whole time.”

“But was it because you didn’t have any actual friends or was it because you did your best to hide everything from them and avoided meeting them this whole time? Even if you think that way, I want to make sure you know that I helped you and I’m here for you, not because I want something from you but because I’d be hurt if something happened to you.”

She stayed silent for a while, looking at the ground with her face pressed against his armor. Eventually, she spoke again to say something unrelated.

“How come you’re so tall now?”

“I’m not that tall, Palonia and Marcy are both way taller than me. I think you’re a bit short instead, it must be because you didn’t eat enough for the past few years.”

“Idiot! That’s not what I meant! You do this every time! You ruined it again!”

She pushed herself away form him and this time, he didn’t hold her back. She was back to being grumpy again.

Galana was much harder to understand than Mable or Calla. What she said was almost never what she meant and what he understood was almost never the right interpretation. He hadn’t seen her in a long time but now that he was talking with her properly, he really felt like he needed someone else to translate for him. That or he needed to make the order for her to say the truth a permanent thing.

They started to walk again in a bit of a better mood, if annoyance could be considered better than sadness, and Galana asked him something else right away.

“Why are you wearing that armor here anyway.”

“Because you were complaining about me changing in front of you so I put the armor on to go faster.”

“Can’t you just do the same with your clothes!”

“No, I’d have to be wearing them beforehand.”

“That doesn’t even make sense!”

It might not make sense for her but it was actually the true reason. If he got clothes in the bag, they would be neatly folded so he couldn’t get them out of the bag already unfolded and placed over his body, it was impossible. To do what she said, he would have to first wear them and then place them in the bag while wearing them so that he could bring them back as they were.

He could do it of course but he found it strange to wear all his clothes first before storing them in the bag, it would be harder to check at a glance what needed to be washed and what didn’t. It was a bit ridiculous just to gain a few second every time he dressed up.

Now, because he was wearing the armor again, people on the street recognized him and pointed his way as he passed, calling over their friends or colleagues to see the rare animal that was the Muracier.

Some even called out to him to get his attention on some product or try to drown him in flattery. He found this whole thing rather ridiculous. He didn’t understand what they thought might happen if he did take that piece of pie or observed this small sculpture of a mollusk. Men on his way stood with their back straight like a soldier in an inspection and girls fidgeted on the spot when his eyes brushed over them. Maybe all of them went insane? It was the first time he saw such a thing. At least, he didn’t have to weave himself through the crowd because everyone stood aside well before he got anywhere close to them.

The trial happened just the day before but did the news spread all across the city already? Perhaps they were all just feeling some admiration for what he did for Galana. Hopefully, they would soon forget because he just did what everyone should have done long ago.

Galana was looking at them all with annoyance. It might have been the reason she asked about the armor. Either it was that or it was the uncomfortable hug with a layer of cold metal in between.

“Why are you bothered by them?”

“Because I know the game they’re playing. They’re all treating you like a noble hoping for fame and riches if you only notice them. They’re all like ‘please choose me’ and it annoys me.”

“You said that nobles were a calamity for merchants because they were so unreasonable.”

“They are, but this is different. They’re hoping that if they do good, their things will get recommended to everyone and they’ll make large profits. Some of them aren’t even merchants, there are artists showing off there and there’s even some girls trying to seduce you.”

That last part seemed to be the one annoying her the most.

“I still don’t get it, its not like I would do anything crazy. It’s harmless.”

“With you involved it can’t be harmless, just yesterday we said you’d help anyone if they came to ask for it! I’m sure you’ll get wrapped up in something absurd in no time. You’re not even really a noble but they’re treating you like one and its frustrating.”

“I am a noble though.”

She spun around and glared his way as if he said something terrible.

“No you’re not! You’re not.”

Emp answered with a frown. Earlier, he thought she was strange because he talked about a bad subject but she was still acting weirdly. He wondered what this was all really about. Was she just upset because she still hated nobles and didn’t want to think of him as one or was it something unrelated entirely? He still didn’t know what else he missed aside from the death of her grandmother too. He wondered if she was still hiding something from him.

He wanted to help her but if she kept dodging the problems, he’d never be able to.

“I do not understand what you want me to say.”

She looked embarrassed about her own words and calmed down right away. She looked away from his eyes and answered a bit more gently.

“I’m sorry, it’s nothing. We should keep moving before you get asked for something ridiculous.”

“It’s the same thing as last time again. If you don’t tell me anything, I can’t do anything about it. Do you expect me to guess everything? I won’t, I can’t, I’m really bad at that. I don’t want to force you to say it but I don’t want to wait until its too late like last time. What’s wrong?”

She gripped the sides of her clothes and made a sour face but after a moment, her lips let go of what was bothering her.

“I still don’t understand you.”

“That again?”

“I understand nothing at all about you. Are you a noble or are you not? Are you a Muracier or not? Are you some sort of god spawn or not? Even your way of thinking barely make any sense to me. You said you are my friend and so you helped me but you would have helped anyone else too. You’re too kind so I don’t know, did you help me because I am me or because I was someone that needed help?

You said that friends help each other because they know the others would do the same for them but that’s the wrong way to see it. That’s partly right but they expect their help to be returned at some point, nobody does anything for free, there’s always something they want. Their help in return, fame, money or even their love, there’s always something they want.

If I had been you, if our places had been reversed, I would not have helped you. It wouldn’t even have been a hard decision. I am not worth it all. I do not understand your motivations, I do not understand what you expect from me, what is it you want?

I have nothing, I don’t have any interesting connections, I don’t have money or talent and I might have been cute at some point before but look at me now, I’m looking like &*%/$ death. I have dark spots under the eyes, no meat on me, no height, no grace at all and a %$&(? foul mouth too, no good point. Look at the street around us, look at all those girls staring at you.” (1)

Emp shot a glance left and right to see that indeed, there were still girls following them and fidgeting on the spot.

“With who you are, if you showed any interest in any of them, they’d all give you an offering of Holia right away and any of them is prettier than me ?$$/. I bet they’re nicer too, I kept disappointing you at every turn since the moment we met yet you’re sticking to me like %/%& glue. That’s just with the girls in this street, we haven’t even talked about your actual friend.

I’m untrustworthy and irritable. Even by your own standards, I make for a terrible friend (%$$. I wouldn’t even hesitate to leave you behind if it was easier or more helpful for me to do it.

I don’t understand your purpose in being here with me, for even wanting to me my friend /$(!%. I barely know you but you’ve proven yourself to be leagues better than any noble I know of while I’ve just proven myself worse than any human I know, I may as well be a devil %/$% of *%*??/.

Every time you help me or you’re saying something nice, I keep feeling worse because I know I can’t give anything back that will be as valuable as all the small things you did for me, much less for the big one. Being nice is a limited thing too you know? You can’t be nice with everyone, being nice with me means you have to not be nice with the Balpoisson for example. There are better people than me to spend your goodwill on.

Since you were sort of kind to me back then. I told myself I wouldn’t take advantage of you because you didn’t deserve it, it would make me feel bad. Somehow though, I’m trying my best to tell you to stop but you keep helping and reassuring me.

Whatever you are looking for, I can’t give it to you, I don’t have it. You confused me with what you said yesterday about liking me, your explanation made no %(%?/ sense. Is it just an effect of nostalgia? Sometimes, there are things that you should leave behind you know? It’s not good to keep all the )?!%? things you pick up over time. I don’t care that you meant friend or something else, what is there even to like?”

She raised her arms to her sides to show her almost skeletal body, with her old clothes and tired face. Her light brown eyes were showing disdain, not for him but for herself. What she was presenting him wasn’t really her figure, it was what was under her skin instead and it was clear that she didn’t value it highly at all.

Harriett had a similar problem, she kept asking herself if this was good enough for Emp, if she was doing enough to justify her presence. She was very weak to criticism.

Galana wasn’t exactly the same. Were Harriett felt insecure about doing enough or not, Galana held the certainty she was worth nothing. She wasn’t even sad about it, or desperate for someone to prove her wrong, she was just stating what was an evidence for her.

“I won’t ever say I’m not glad for what you did for me. I won’t ever be thankful enough for what you did but I need to know. Why are we here? What the fuck do you want from me?”

“That’s unfair, you haven’t said anything about your qualities.”

” %?&%$ You’re the one who hate lies, we both know I don’t have any. People call me a money grubbing mud-trap, they call me %?”$ selfish idiot and even manipulative *$?/(%?% misturgeon.”

“What’s a misturgeon?”

“Emp I’m being serious &?%/.”

Emp let out a small sigh before he answered.

“What about your desire for justice?”

“What desire for justice? I keep ignoring it when its in my favor, you know it.”

“But you keep complaining when someone gets scammed.”

“That just proves I’m a hypocrite *&%/.”

“Then how about the way you get angry when someone tries to take advantage of me?”

“I was just trying to pay you back, not an actual quality.”

“Your pride is a quality, you didn’t give up this whole time and you never accepted help because you were too proud to let me do everything for you.”

She raised an incredulous brow his way as if he was saying the dumbest thing.

“Look at me, what pride are you seeing? I’m just too bullheaded to let them have their way without struggling but it didn’t help for anything, it never did.”

Emp shook his head in disagreement but still jumped on something else.

“You’re knowledgeable and smart too, you have some advice on everything.”

“Smart? Are you kidding me? I’m a huge idiot, even worse than you maybe! I might know a few things from all the books I read but I still ended up with that thing on my forehead. If I had been smart I obviously wouldn’t have.”

“Imaginative then. You keep coming up with all those absurd possibilities, so much so that you fail to see the things that are actually in front of you.”

“Is that even a quality? It doesn’t help anything, all this time it only served to torture myself thinking of what would happen to me next.”

“Your writing is good, you even said it yourself, you’re proud of your letters, you can’t tell me that’s not a positive thing.”

“It’s useless, what am I going to do with that?”

“There’s a lot of great work to be done with the ability to write and read, in two different languages no less!”

“All of it is noble work, someone like me doesn’t get to do any of that unless I’m a merchant which I’m not anymore. It’s only good for sending letters now.”

“But I enjoy those letters.”

“I was mean in most of them but you tell me you enjoy them? That’s not talent or quality, that’s just you being weird.”

“What if I told you that I care about how you care?”

“What do you mean how I care? Care about what?”

“You care about me.”

“What makes you think that?”

“Aside from what you said yesterday you mean? It’s about how angry you get all the time.”

” ?/&%( What does it have to do with caring?”

“I’ve never seen anyone get angry about something they don’t care about, I get angry when someone bullies you, I get angry when someone threatens my friends, I get angry when someone insults my wife but I don’t get angry about what those people around us think or say about me. I just don’t care. You get angry at almost everything I tell you, all the time. Either I’m the most annoying person you’ve ever met or you care a lot for me.”

“You “are” the most annoying person I’ve ever met.” She snapped.

“See? You got angry again, whether its good or bad, you do care. I’ll even say you’re honest too.”

For the second time in the same conversation, she gave him the look stating it was the most idiotic thing she ever heard.

“Are you dumb? Are you for you &%*$ real? I keep lying to you all the time. I’m as far from honesty as one can be.”

“But you feel bad for it right away. If you were truly dishonest, you wouldn’t feel guilty at all. You aren’t dishonest, you just care too much to hurt anyone else, you want to spare them trouble or the truth but then you feel bad until you say it. When you thought you were done for, you spilled out everything because you couldn’t take the lies with you to the end.”

“Great so I’m dishonest even to myself.”

“That’s not what I meant, look, everyone has good points and bad points, you can’t just label yourself as bad all around, that’s not the truth and that’s not what I see when I look at you.”

“Whatever, none of this answered my question. What do you want from me?”

“I can’t answer it much better than that though. You are much more valuable to me than you seem to think and I do like you, even though I’m not sure just how much I do. All I want is your presence, I want to know you’re well, I just want you to be happy. It doesn’t matter if you keep yelling at me because it means you’re fine. Anyway, I think the angry you is the best you, it always makes me smile for some reason.”

“The angry me is the best me? What does that mean?”

“I don’t know how to say it in a better way, I just think your short temper is funny.”

“So you just want to mock me?”

“Obviously not, why is it so hard for you to understand. Am I not allowed to feel however I want towards you?”

“No, not when I’m like this and you’re… You.”

“You like me and you want to go with me but I’m not allowed to feel anything? That’s ridiculous. Let’s do it the other way around then, what do you see in me that is so great I shouldn’t even glance at you? According to you, I’m not even a noble so that can’t be it. I have negative traits like anybody else.”

“Don’t play dumb with me, you’re not just an ordinary person! You’re so far up no one can *%//$/ reach. You’re rich and tall, you’re not ugly and you have a name that makes all the girls around dream. People like you end up with a princess and have shining knights as friends, not some nobody )?$*?.”

“But that’s not who I am, is it? You’ve never seen me like that before, I was just the idiot who doesn’t understand anything. I’m not of another specie, noble is just a title. I’m just a man, I can get upset, I can make mistakes, I get rash when people I like get in trouble, my wife is a kind girl that lived her whole life in a village, my friends are all over the place and full of colors. I’m not some unreachable entity, I’m right here with you, right now. The girls you asked me to look at earlier, I don’t know them, they don’t know me either, all they see is Muracier. That’s not who I am though, that’s just a name, those are just letters on my hunting card. You know this because you know me.”

She made an exasperated sigh and just pulled his arm to turn him straight towards her. She wouldn’t have been able to but Emp didn’t resist her at all and stopped walking to listen. She was making a rather pained expression again and it was mixed with a lot of annoyance.

“You say you don’t like lies and you don’t like secrets but its you who keep going around the subject without ever answering. I need you to tell me straight *(?%$%. I just want my life back. You can’t just say you like me, make me your slave and then do as if nothing happened! That’s unfair. I need to know What I am to you so that I can move on, so that I won’t hold some stupid misconception in my head.

You’re the one that’s all about truths and honesty so just tell me already. Don’t you think I’ve already lost enough time in my life? Do you love me? Am I just a funny friend? A counselor, a confident, a burden even? Whatever you say I won’t be mad but I need you to choose something and stick with it so that I can start thinking clearly about my own future instead of worrying about what you’ll do next.”

Emp made a groan, he truthfully didn’t know how to answer her question. He had no idea how he felt about her exactly, he just wanted her to be there.

“I know I’m the worst but you’re being the worst in your own way right now.” She complained. “I don’t want to be the girl who misunderstood an extended hand for a proof of love but I don’t want to blind myself either and I can’t wait to be old and wrinkled to ask what you meant yesterday either. I’m not a small girl anymore, my life was put in suspension for five years by Balpoisson already, I can’t waste it idling around you even if the idea sounds appealing. I had lost everything, family, home, freedom and even hope. You gave it back to me and I don’t want to waste a moment of it, can you understand that?

I like the new you a lot, tall and strong, not the dumb idiot I knew anymore, you’ve been learning things a lot faster than I thought you could. I could read your mental growth in the letters you sent me, you’ve turned from a sprout I mocked into a large three that can protect me from the rain. I don’t know that I love you or I’m just impressed by what you turned into but I’d be willing to take a proper look. Like I said though, I am nothing. I’m not dumb enough to believe I have a chance at someone like you. Don’t make me dance like a stupid idiot in your palm, that’s all I’m asking.

Be honest and tell me so that I can move on.”

*-*-*-*

(1) Swear words!

I don’t think I’ll get in trouble for writing this long author note so here I go.

In my notes for Galana, she’s supposed to use a whole lot but she hasn’t been doing it because I have trouble with them. I had not thought of putting &/$% before now. The problem isn’t that I’m afraid of using any, it’s way more simple than that.

I don’t know any in English.

Unless you consider fuck a swear word but it’s way too weak! Where I live, we use fuck and fucking in any and all sentences even though we speak in French, it has no strength at all.

We have so many good ones and we really, really love to say them. We use them as verbs, adjectives and names for the silliest tiny thing all the way to the worst possible event. They’re so satisfying to say in anger but I didn’t use any because they would not make sense in the context of the story. Almost all of them are corrupted religious terms which shouldn’t exist here.

Here’s a tiny list of those I remember classified by how strong I feel they are. (not by their meaning but by the punch they pack. Some are written the same but said in a slightly different way than what they were originally intended to turn into a swear word. I wrote were each come from to the side of each.

In the weak ones, we have:

“fuck”, obvious

“Criss” or “Crisse”, from Christ

“Maudit” or “Maudite”, it’s just damned

“Marde”, It’s shit but said wrong like shat, almost always combined with “Maudite”

In the medium, we have:

“Sacrament”, from sacrement, it’s actually sacrament in English.

“Viarge” and “Viarginie”, from vierge, its virgin

“Ciboire” “Cibole”, from ciboire, in English its a ciborium according to wiki, the cup

“Baptême” “Batince”, Its baptism

“Hostie” “Estie” “Stie” “Sti” “Osti”, It’s hostie, the consecrated wafers that are held in the ciborium

In the strong ones, we have:

“Tabarnak”, from tabernacle a temporary place of worship

“Simonaque” “Simonac” “Simonak”, simoniaque is something related to simonie, a traffic of spiritual things

“Câlisse”, form calice, its just a chalice

In the context of our story here, I can’t use any aside from “Fuck” and “Maudit” that I could use as “Damn” as well, it’s bothering me. The sentences of Galana are lacking color!

Should I make my own swears? I could take commonly used words for them and corrupt them into swears. All of them would be made up out of nothing though so I might confuse you all with them and I’m afraid they won’t sound as good, at least in my own ears.

Tell me what you think in the comments bellow, keep using “?/%*/” , make up my own or use those I know even though they are unrealistic in the context? Give me some of those you know too if you feel like it. I’m curious to know how people swear around the world.

Also, if you feel mildly curious, you can go write “Osti de cris de tabarnak” on youtube. There’s a 38 second song made entirely of swears for your enjoyment. the only word that isn’t a swear in it is “de” and “d’” which is just “of”. I think the actual name of the song is “chant sacré”, “swore song”.