Bottom A, Top O - Chapter 128

[Ryu’s POV]

I’ve been thinking, my life sucks. Not want to become an edgelord or of the sort but I feel like it is. No, but deep inside I know my life had its worth.

However, I don’t know what it was. Why am I here? What’s my purpose in this world? These two questions were asked by almost anyone and the answers were varied.

And for me. What was the answer? I… don’t know. I never thought about it. No, to be precise, I DON’T want to think about it.

It’s scary. It’s scary. It’s scary.

My life, as far as I remember. I’m the passenger, not the driver. I always go with the flow, go with whatever’s happening to me.

I don’t plan, or I want to. It’s basically pointless…

Whatever came to me, the answer was obvious.

I’m running away.

I’m running away without looking back. That was what my life was. Avoiding problems and running from them.

But, realistically speaking. Isn’t that how most people live? Avoid conflicts as much as possible and live peacefully.

So what’s wrong with me following the norm?

This isn’t a story where I’m the protagonist with strong resolution or the important side character who has big goals.

I’m just an ordinary human being who gets caught up in this mess.

Sorcerer, Bahamut, Asahi, Level, Potions, Anomaly, Foul energy, spiritual energy, what bull$*it.

Everyone probably wanted my life as it was akin to fantasy stories but you’re wrong.

It’s scary. I’m terrified. It’s not what you’re thinking.

A single misstep could kill you.

I want to go back. Damn it, why all lead to this?

No, even if I return to my original life. Nothing’s changed.

I’m a worthless human being who cannot do anything right. My parents always scold me with sharp and cold words.

They never do anything good to me yet they want me to make them proud? They want me to make them happy? They want me to make them feel pride?

What a joke! They did not deserve all of those!

Why do I have to do them? I am a human! Not their toys! Not their puppets! Why must I, a being with a free mind and will, have to do those things?

Because they were my parents? Because I owe them when I was a kid?

Then why would they give birth to me? Why would I exist? Did I ever ask them?

No! Not a shit! I would rather not be born in this shitty world!

Everything just wants to make me suffer! Is there anything good here?

Huh? Friendship? Love? Family? Are you joking? Aren’t those things fake?

Friendship? No, we just use each other for one’s benefit. Once one becomes useless and in a bad situation, the other would leave almost immediately. Who would be there when you’re in trouble?

That only happens in the story. Like hell, it could happen in real life. Those stories only give you hope, so that you can fall in despair even further.

Love? Family? Those are crap too. I don’t believe in them. Everyone is just a tool that once useless, you will be thrown away.

Impossible? There’s no way something like that is going to happen? I’m not saying this because I haven’t felt them. I already am.

It hurts. It hurts like hell.

My heart is dead yet my body wants me to stay alive. My mind too.

But what is there to see in this world? I’ve seen enough. I’ve experienced enough.

What do I want? That’s right, I want to be alone. In a place where no one can reach, in a place where only I exist, in a place where I don’t have anything to worry about.

There’s such a place but I feel like I don’t want to go there just yet.

I then chuckled.

Why don’t I want to go there just yet? The answer is probably, I’m still strong in this world.

Despite the bad things I’ve experienced, I feel like something good is going to happen, even though I’ve lost all hope, I still have that tiny bit of hope in me, hoping that something will change me.

But I know myself that I have to change, not the situation but I simply don’t know-how.

No, to be precise, I’m scared.

I’m scared if I change myself. I would become an entirely different person. I’m afraid of losing myself anymore.

No, more like I don’t want to leave my safe zone. The most comfortable zone I could be in.

I don’t want my heart to be hurt. It scares me. The feeling of leaving your safe zone and doing something outside of your comfort zone but failing.

The feeling was something I didn’t want to feel. It was uncomfortable.

Sigh, forget it.

The point is. I’ll not give up on this life until I find something. Something which could change me entirely.

I do not know what it is though. Something that could change me entirely. I can only figure it out on my own.

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“What an inner thought…” Narukami said to himself.

He accidentally touched Ryu’s head and all of his thoughts flowed into his head. Narukami himself wasn’t sure how and why it happened.

“I did not know that he was filled with negative thoughts and low self-value.” Narukami shook his head.

Ryu always put up a careless and playful front so Narukami thought he had nothing to worry about in his mind.

But Ryu was more than Narukami thought. He had a lot of things to think, worry about, and care about.

Though mostly about something about his life was useless and had not much value.

Narukami was kind of disappointed that Ryu thought that he viewed him as a tool.

“You dumbass. There’s no way I view you like that. Regardless of how you view me, I’m still there for you if you’re having a hard time.

“So what if you think that I see you as a tool? As long as I can help you when you’re at your lowest point, I’m okay with it.” Narukami’s expression turned soft.

He has been in Asahi’s position before. Where he thought the world was a drag and he did not want to live with everyone, just wanted to be alone.

Because with people, you still have to take things by yourself, what’s the difference of being alone then?

But he realized in such a state, he was suffering the most.

A battle cry sounded in the air as a figure went through many beasts. This figure left afterimages as he rushed against the horde of beasts.

The figure then stopped and quickly afterward, the beasts spilled out blood before dropping dead to the ground. A pool of blood quickly dyed the ground red.

The figure was breathing heavily as he caught his breath.

“That’s amazing, Xu An. I didn’t know you could kill monsters easily.” A girl’s voice managed its way into Xu An’s ears.

“Really? This is nothing,” Xu An responded humbly as he flicked his blade. The blood on it splashed to the ground.

The kid’s body is amazing. He had a good foundation training since he was young, after all, Xu An said to himself as he felt amazing with his body.

His body was many times better than his past life! It was light yet had much power in it.

The original Xu An being a talented genius when he was young wasn’t for play! Even if his cultivation realm dropped, his body’s durability, speed, and strength were still there.

It just needed a bit of training to get his body to its peak.

With this body, the original Xu An could beat fifty normal adults! Just thinking if he could reach the second realm of cultivation, his strength would soar and he would be stronger compared to the time where he advanced to the second realm for the first time.

“You’ve heard the story, right? Where I was once a genius? My cultivation realm dropped to the beginning but it was otherwise for my body and mind.

“My body is stronger than most cultivators at the First Mortal Stage.”

Xu An reached this conclusion after he beat up more than, let’s see, hum… one, two, five, ten, twenty…

After killing twenty beast monsters.

Also, remember when he thought a sword couldn’t penetrate his skin? After reading cultivation knowledge from the book in his mind, he realized that only applied to him while the average First Mortal Stage could not.

Their skin indeed became tough but not tough enough to block a sword!

“So that’s what remains?” Morgiana said. She was referring to Xu An’s body.

Xu An shifted his line of sight to her and nodded, “Yeah, it’s been so long since I haven’t fought like this.”

The original Xu An could not fight as it was the doctor’s order. He was in a coma for many months and when he woke up, he was rehabilitated for a few months.

After that, his body was still weak, and to avoid bad scenarios, the doctor told Xu An to not engage in activity that relied heavily on physical strength.

It’s been many months since then but Xu An still remembered the doctor’s words.

But after blocking Chin Sha’s attack, everything changed.

Currently, his recovery rate was terrifyingly fast and Xu An had nothing to worry about.

“Good for you, Xu An.” Morgiana smiled but then it disappeared.

“Can you win?” Morgiana suddenly asked with her worried expression.

After a short pause, Xu An replied with a smile, “I can. It’s just staying alive on a dungeon floor, right? What could go wrong?”