Civil Servant in Romance Fantasy - Chapter 225: Going to the Capital as a Beast (2)

The warm atmosphere and the fluttering excitement in my chest vanished in an instant. The smile that once adorned baby’s face hardened into an unyielding stare.

I was confused. Why? Why was baby wearing such an expression? Everything seemed fine just a moment ago, and I hadn’t said anything strange.

“Your Grace.”

As I remained speechless in my bewilderment, baby spoke again.

His voice was low, but his eyes burned with intensity. It was as if he was warning me that there would be no next time if I didn’t explain myself properly.

“Explain to me. How am I going to live for hundreds of years?”

Fear started to creep in. I didn’t know why he was reacting this way, but it was clear that he was angry. This wasn’t just a fleeting annoyance or a sense of injustice; this was genuine anger.

“Potion.”

I barely managed to get the word out through trembling lips.

Of course, this wasn’t a sufficient explanation. It was merely something I said to gather my thoughts. If I hadn’t said even that, baby would have turned his back on me immediately.

Upon hearing that, he leaned back into the sofa. That was a relief. At least he wasn’t going anywhere for now.

“Do you remember the potion I gave you?”

“Yes, I remember.”

“That potion supposedly extends your lifespan.”

His expression twisted with discomfort.

“Not immediately, though. You need to take it consistently for 40 years before it takes effect. For now, it just helps with your health.”

I added this instinctively, and his contorted expression seemed to relax a bit.

It was only then that I realized that baby was uncomfortable with the idea of a prolonged lifespan. It wasn’t just an awkwardness towards the unknown; he genuinely disliked the idea.

But why?

I couldn’t understand. Gaining a long lifespan, akin to that of long-lived races, was a universal human desire.

My father had also wished to live a life like Mother and me. Mother dedicated her life to making my father like the long-lived races.

It wasn’t just my parents. They weren’t obsessed with longevity just because they were lovers with different lifespans.

Everyone, everyone was like that.

In my over a hundred years of life, every human I encountered longed for longevity. Past emperors, nobles, and even clergies who professed to follow the will of the gods.

They all expressed subtle envy towards me. As death approached, they would look at me with desperate eyes.

They were so attached to life because they had so much to enjoy. Uncertain of what would come after this life, they wanted to enjoy their current luxuries.

For everyone, it was the same…

Even commoners, those who lacked wealth and status, wished for a longer life. Those with less, who might face more despair than happiness, also longed for longevity.

They feared death. They feared facing the unknown after leaving this familiar world behind.

Of course, baby would…

Baby lacked nothing. Wealth, honor, power, and personal strength. Naturally, I thought that he would desire longevity. After all, he had so much to enjoy in this world.

So, I naturally assumed that he would be pleased to spend hundreds of years with me, enjoying our current splendor, or even more, for centuries. Since he was human, I believed he would like it.

It would be unfamiliar, of course. He would be bewildered, perhaps even frightened. No one would remain calm if their lifespan suddenly doubled.

Still, I believed that he would eventually come to appreciate it.

“Your Grace.”

After a moment of silence, baby spoke again.

“Why did you do it?”

A brief question, but one loaded with emotion.

It was clear that he was holding back and suppressing what he truly wanted to say.

“I thought you would want to live a long life—”

“Why.”

He interrupted me before I could finish. This was a situation I had never faced before, one that I never imagined experiencing as a duke.

Of course, I wasn’t angry because I wanted him to see me as a woman, rather than just the Mage Duchess. In fact, I was glad that he seemed to see me just as Beatrix, not as the duke.

However, this wasn’t the situation I wanted. I didn’t want him to forget that I was the Mage Duchess to the point of being so angry.

“Why did Your Grace decide that for me?”

Suddenly, my hands started to tremble. My mind went blank, and I couldn’t find an appropriate response.

I had assumed that he would naturally want and appreciate longevity. But if he rejected it, then what could I say?

“…Your Grace knows.”

Seeing me like that, baby spoke in a slightly softer voice.

“You know how hard it was for me when I lost them… You know that very well.”

It wasn’t so much a softened tone as it was a voice tinged with resignation.

His gaze dropped to the floor, and I followed.

I knew. How could I not? I knew how much he had suffered after the Great War of the North.

That’s when I first met him.

I first encountered him right after the war ended. They said that there was a child with abnormal recovery abilities, the sole survivor among those who fought and returned. Initially, my interest was purely experimental.

But the more I met him, the more I learned about him. He was a young boy who lost his precious friends at such a tender age, much like how I lost my parents long ago.

But he was different from me.

Despite the pain, he moved forward. He tried to suppress his agony and carry on, unlike me, who was lost and aimless after losing my parents.

I was even prepared for the day when I would have to let go of my human father first. Despite this preparation, I was deeply troubled, while he, with no such preparation, was enduring alone.

It started then. I began to see him as more than an experiment, and my glances grew more frequent. I started to fall for him, quietly building my affection.

That’s why…

I wanted to make him happy. I wanted to live with him forever, sharing a love so intense that the pain of his lost connections would become mere memories.

I wanted to delay his encounter with the fear of death, even if it meant pushing it far into the future.

The sorrow of losing loved ones came with the fear of one’s death. The sudden death of others made one acutely aware of their own fragile existence.

That was why…

I thought I understood his pain, and that led me to make a choice that turned out to be an unwanted intrusion in his life.

“Your Grace.”

“Y-yes? Speak.”

I quickly lifted my gaze at his voice.

And the moment I saw his face, my body froze.

“Do you intend to make me go through that pain again?”

His face was expressionless, or perhaps it looked as if he was on the verge of tears. It was a strange observation. How could one see tears in a blank expression?

“If I live for hundreds of years, how much more will I have to lose?”

However, baby was definitely crying. Though there were no visible tears and his face didn’t contort, it was clear that he was crying.

“…To Your Grace, these connections might just seem fleeting, but to me, they are lifelong bonds.”

His words left me speechless, and my mind went blank for a different reason.

“How many times will I have to lose these bonds?”

He looked at me with a gaze filled with resentment, and I couldn’t say anything.

Why… Why hadn’t I considered something so simple? No matter how long he lived, he was still human.

To me, all connections except for my parents and my beloved were just passing moments. No matter how long they lived, they were just a fraction of my lifespan.

Except for my deceased parents and my beloved, all bonds were ones I could move past.

But for him, it’s not the same.

I was foolish. I only considered things from my perspective and assumed that lifelong bonds meant as little to baby as they did to me.

But for him, extending his lifespan didn’t mean that those lifelong connections would become fleeting. It meant that the people he thought he’d spend his life with would leave him far too quickly.

“…I apologize for my rudeness, Your Grace. Please forgive me.”

Lost in the overwhelming shame, I watched baby rise from his seat and bow his head.

“If Your Grace decided so, there must be a reason. I was presumptuous to question you.”

His words were polite, but they clearly drew a line between us.

I remembered our laughter and conversation just a few minutes ago. The drastic change sent chills down my spine, and I felt tears welling up.

“B-baby, I… I…”

No, I couldn’t let the conversation end this way.

I had hurt him with my ignorance and stubbornness. I needed to apologize immediately…

“I will make sure that Your Grace will never have to see my face again.”

His words stopped my outstretched hand.

***He glanced at me one last time before leaving the tower room without hesitation.

I should have stopped him. I should have begged for forgiveness and promised never to make the same mistake again.

But I couldn’t move. The repeated shocks had left me paralyzed.

“I will make sure that Your Grace will never have to see my face again.”

He said he would take responsibility for his disrespect, but in truth, he was saying that he never wanted to see me again.

Those terrible, fearful words kept echoing in my mind. The happiness from just moments ago crumbled away like a lie.

And now, as happiness turned into despair, I saw the comb on the table. Pure white, and elegantly designed.

“It may be of no use to you, but this is a small token of my appreciation. Please accept it. Between us, this is nothing.”

No.

With trembling hands, I grabbed the comb desperately. I felt as if I had to hold onto it, or else I’d lose this gift too.

No…

And then, I cried. It was the first gift he had given me, a treasure worth more than all the riches of my duchy.

But it had now become the last gift, a symbol of the end between us; it turned from a cherished treasure into a horrid reminder of the downfall of our relationship.

“No!”

A scream tore from my throat.

I couldn’t let it end like this. Even if he never forgave me, and even if he resented me for the rest of his life, I had to apologize. Even if I remained a selfish monster in his eyes, I needed to show at least a shred of decency.

So, I ran. I had never run for the sake of my appearance or dignity as a duke, but those things were meaningless now.

“T-Tower Master!”

“What on earth—?”

The more I ran, the more I heard voices filled with shock and alarm as I descended the tower.

It didn’t matter. My authority was useless.

Baby.

Even as I ran, I tried to sense his mana. If I could find his mana, then I could teleport to him.

However, it wasn’t easy. Magic was deeply influenced by the caster’s state of mind. How could my magic function properly when I was so confused and distraught?

Baby…!

So, I just kept running.

With no dignity, authority, or magic left, it was all I could do.