Cry, Even Better if you Beg - Chapter 108

She arrived at the annex earlier than the aforementioned schedule. The building was still basked in darkness. With a deep breath, she slowly went up the steps; hands buried deep in her thin cardigan’s pocket as she fished for the key she’d been given once before.

With the cool metal in her palm, she deftly inserted it into the knob, and twisted the door open. Even inside, only darkness greeted her back.

But it didn’t scare Leyla as much as it did before. Not when she’d roamed these halls, enough that she could navigate through it even in the shadows.

She knew that even if she’d leave this place, this building would forever be embedded in the back of her mind, unable to shake the looming memory of them in these walls.

Calm eyes raked over the drawing-room once she arrived in it. She stood still in place, hands back in her pockets as she took the room in.

It was as beautiful, and as intimidating as ever. It also reminded her of that beautiful, and intricately designed cage the Duke had for his canary. Because, in some ways, she mirrored that small canary the Duke had raised.

She soon found herself sitting on the edge of the sofa; eyes trailed down on the tips of her toes. They swung back and forth beneath her, before the urge to get up, and move returned, and so she did, eventually finding herself outside on the balcony.

The cool night air, breezed through her face, making Leyla breathe in the fresh scent around her. It wasn’t the same biting chill she felt whipping across her face when she first began this deal with the Duke.

It’s only been a season since her life got pulled beneath her feet: just one, winter season. And yet so much has changed, and so much more will have to change after this.

Leyla took a step forward, her body moving automatically, and her hands left her pockets to grasp the cool surface of the balcony’s railings in front of her. Her eyes trailed mesmerized on the shimmering waters of Schulther River.

The river had all but frozen over during the winter, but with spring around the corner, the ice had begun thawing off, to release the rushing waters beneath the ice. She never noticed how shiny they looked during the night, but perhaps that was because the moon was brighter tonight than before…

“How beautiful…” she muttered under her breath, completely taken with the flow of water. The currents seemed to be pulling her in, and further down into her thoughts…

Suddenly, an intruding presence came up beside her, immediately snapping her back into reality. She looked up, and finally saw the Duke, in all his grace and beauty, staring intently at her. A rush of warmth came upon her.

As it gazed upon her, he was casually leaning on the balcony, eyes completely dark and soft. He lightly gestured to the gardens below.

“The flowers have begun to bloom.” He casually began. Leyla felt her throat constrict in surprise at the sudden topic.

“F-flowers?” She asked numbly in confusion before her eyes widened in realization, “Ah, the flowers!” She softly piped up, suddenly feeling awkward around him. All of a sudden, that sunken feeling inside her lightened up, giving her an energized feeling in return.

Oblivious to her inner turmoil, Matthias continued on.

“I think next week would be the right time for us.” He informed her, now overlooking outside, eyes trailed on Arvis grounds.

“What?”

“You said you wanted to show me something.” He turned back to her, “To that special place you told me.”

The gust of wind picked up around them, whips of golden locks flying around her face. Matthias’ hand reached out to her, softly, and gently tucking in some of the stray strands behind her ear, caressing her cheeks gently afterward as his fingers brushed against her skin…

Leyla took him in, drinking in his immaculate image, burning it in the back of her mind to forever remember.

Right now, in this night and place, there were just the two of them. He wore a creamy white tennis sweater, over flannel pants, wholly dressed in comfort than his usual formal suit and ties.

It gave her a surreal feeling, unable to comprehend this was the man in her nightmares. What a strange man he truly was…

“W-what about this weekend, instead?” She counter suggested, hurriedly breaking eye contact and gesturing wildly to the gardens. “Surely this weekend will give us the same beautiful view as next week.” She smiled at him shyly.

Even as she smiled appeasingly towards him, it was like everything was slowly being muted. She was hyper fixated on the wildly beating heart in her chest, afraid it would be too loud, Matthias would quickly be onto her…

And now that she was so close to realizing her freedom…

Something inside her was hesitating.

What would the Duke do, if he knew the truth?

A sigh escaped from the man before her, bringing her attention back to the present once again.

“Unfortunately, we can’t.” Matthias told her, “I will need to leave for Ratz this weekend.” He regretfully explained to her. He casually brushed up some of his hair, and Leyla’s heart skipped a beat when she absentmindedly noted how it was the same hand he used to tuck in her hair, just a little while ago.

The casual motion messed up his perfectly quaffed hair, but Leyla belatedly noted how completely comforting it was to see him in a less pristine condition. He looked younger than he usually did…

And she was reminded quickly how they were around the same age.

And her memories of him as a young boy came flooding. Him during school, meeting him for the first time, encountering him as she wandered around Arvis…

Funny how nothing seemed to change day by day, but all of a sudden, everything had changed.

“You’re going to Ratz?” she clarified softly, sounding a little disappointed at that small fact, but she quickly tamped down the feeling.

“I will.” He sighed regretfully once more, “There’s a birthday party being held, in honor of the Empress.” He informed her, cupping her cheek with warm, calloused hands, “I’m afraid I won’t be back until the end of next week. I plan to also use that time to finish my work in the capital.”

“Oh…” she trailed off, her voice sounding sullen, even to her own ears. Claudine’s sneering face towering over her came unbidden in her mind, her chest tightening painfully in her chest…

‘It would also be ample time to spend time with your fiance.’ She thought unkindly, and quickly nodded her head in understanding, before eyeing the river in complete resoluteness.

Come summertime; she was certain that the Duke’s impending nuptials would eventually be the talk of the town, if not the whole Empire.

Even today’s lunchtime was spent on praising and admiring the young Lady Brandt, soon to be the current Mrs. Herhardt, the next Duchess of Arvis. As she sat there with her colleagues, Leyla could only find herself biting her tongue and listening to their words.

When engaged and asked about the wedding, Leyla could only nod and smile in response, never voicing out any of her deep thoughts on the matter, opting to stay out of the conversations.

Even the thought of their wedding being grand and celebrated all over the Empire left a bitter taste in her throat…

She focused back on the shimmering waters, drawn by the river’s innate beauty. It’s almost like the stars were swimming, drifting along with the flow…

She reckoned that she’d miss the landscape the most when she’d leave Arvis inevitably. The thought of its beauty already kept coming unbidden in her thoughts, and she found herself oddly comforted by that fact.

She may leave Arvis, but Arvis would never leave her.

“Isn’t my queen afraid of the water?” Matthias coolly piped up beside her, immediately reminding her she wasn’t alone.

Turning to him, with eyes widened in surprise, she blushed at the sight of that teasing smirk plastered on his lips. Her brows furrowed, shooting him a dry glare.

“Stop teasing me.” She huffed out quietly, softly scolding him for calling her a queen.

“You said it yourself first,” Matthias pointed out, grinning and shrugging at her upon her constant glare. “I believe your exact words were, if I’m a gentleman, then you’re the queen. Isn’t that correct?” He hummed.

“Yes, but only when you’re being a gentleman.” Leyla shot back at him dryly. Matthias’ eyes crinkled in delight at her response, and this time she did not shy away from his gaze. Despite the obvious passage of time in him, Leyla would never deny how beautiful he was to her.

He’s grown strong, and more mature than he’d been before, but he was always so mesmerizing to her. She gave him a slow once over, slowly drawing closer to him as she met his eye.

“Unfortunately, you don’t look much like a gentleman today,” She hummed, “So just call me Leyla.”

Just when she began to look away, Matthias stepped closer, and immediately cupped her cheek to keep her looking at him. They stared into each other’s eyes, with Matthias’ thumb gently caressing her pale cheeks…

“Come summer, I’ll personally teach you how to swim.” He promised her, eyes slightly glancing down at the shimmering river. Almost as if he read her earlier thoughts, he went back to meet her eyes, “So then you’ll feel how it is to swim in the stars.”

A painful lurch came upon Leyla’s chest, a watery sensation in the back of her eyes as she saw the determination in his eyes. It was so out of the blue, it caught her off guard, and now she was trying to blink back the tears threatening to make an appearance…

“No you won’t,” She whispered softly, “You’re lying.” She said, a tremble in her voice the more she held his gaze, “I won’t even be here in the summer.” She said out loud, without meaning to.

At the last statement, Matthias’ could feel something burning in his chest, a wild beast unfurling awake at her words. His eyes narrowed towards her. As if noticing her slip-up, Leyla tried not to react too much but instead opted to clarify why that was…

“You’ll be married by then, won’t you?” She reminded him, “By then, I’ll have to leave Arvis. And we won’t ever be here together again.”

“I… see…” Matthias’ voice trailed off as his brows furrowed in thought.

“So you see,” Leyla huffed out a breathy, despondent laugh, “You were lying after all.”

Matthias looked at her sorrowful eyes, and cupped the back of her head gently, drawing her closer to him.

“Schulter River is not the only river in existence,” Matthias quickly rectified. “I will teach you how to swim beside the stars.” He reiterated. Leyla smiled despondently at him.

“Everything’s so easy for you.” She absentmindedly pointed out, and he just shrugged at her.

“I never have to think hard about trivial things.”

“And what am I to you?” Leyla finally asked, looking so seriously at him, “Do you think I’m the type of person with that kind of luxury?”

Because that’s the kind of man, he truly was.

No matter how beautiful, how powerful, he was an inconsiderate man, who thought nothing about the consequences for others. He’ll take whatever he wants. And when he wanted her to be his mistress, he got it as well.

And he’s also telling her to take what she wanted, as his mistress.

She would have to live in the shadows. But by his bedside, she’ll have everything she wanted in life and more. And he will still get married, and carry on with his life as business as usual. Easy peasy.

“Do you think this has been easy for me?” She persisted, her palms locking up in its joints to prevent herself from clenching them in frustration, “Don’t you even feel sorry for me?”

Gone were the thoughts of trying to keep up the act. She just wanted him to stop being quiet, and give her an answer.

How did he really see her? Beyond being beautiful, beyond being his, what was she, to him?

“Do you regret any of it?” She asked again when he still remained silent, “Even a little of it? What have you done to me?”

Still nothing, but something was already bubbling up deep within her.

‘I’m leaving you.’

She wanted to say it. Bring a reaction out of him to give her any hints of his answer. But she wouldn’t. Telling him now would jeopardize everything she was trying to do.

And she won’t let him ruin this.

She’ll leave him and disappear to a place as far away from Arvis, and consequently its Duke, as possible. And she will forget about both the Duke and Duchess of Arvis, no matter how long it would take.

But what if she did mean something to him? If he was sincere in his want of her, then…

Was it even worth believing him? Was he worth all the pain, the tears, the hurt she’d experienced with his obsession and desire to have her?

‘Should I stop this now? And save my heart from the ache?’ 

The silence was beginning to deafen Leyla, until finally, Matthias gave her a reply.

“No.”

Something in Leyla cracked with his answer.

“I don’t regret anything.” He told her. She searched his eyes for any secrets or deceit…

There was none. He was wholly sincere that he did not regret anything he did to her. He was beautiful in his self-assuredness, but it didn’t hide from her the ugly flaw in his personality.

“So, that’s your answer.” Leyla sighed out, half in relief, and half in acceptance.

“And what about you?” Matthias asked her, his voice dropping into a low baritone as he began to hover behind her, his mouth right next to her ear, the heat of his body spreading to hers.

The plan was on, after all.

“Me too.” She told him with a bright smile, turning to face him, and cupping his cheek in exchange. She stroked his face in a loving manner, coaxing him to draw closer to her as she gave him her sweetest smile.

“I don’t regret anything with you.” She finished, thinking about how devastated he would be when she’d turn up gone as soon as he returned.

Yes, she won’t regret anything with him indeed.

*.·:·.✧.·:·.*

The night had been full of noises and sounds. Bill could even hear the Nightingale chirping outside, while an owl hooted off at a distance as if to respond, adding to the symphony of the night.

He swept back his unkempt hair over his head, joint in his hands stiff in the chilly night. As he drew closer to the Annex, he found himself frozen, staring into the lighted building.

It was an impulsive decision to follow Leyla; he knew that. He took extra measures to ensure she wouldn’t realize he had followed her. He initially thought she had been sleepwalking and felt immense worry for her…

But she was walking purposefully until she disappeared from his line of sight.

And so he rushed to follow her without any further thought. But he’d been unable to find neither hair nor sight of her form in the dark. Instead, he’d been drawn by the river, its waters flowing nonstop, echoing loudly in the quiet night.

And there he saw the Annex come to life.

But she wouldn’t. There was no way!

This was just the influence of the letter, running through his mind relentlessly. Leyla wasn’t that type of girl at all!

He should turn back now, better get home and believe Leyla knew what she was doing, when he saw another figure on the other side of the riverbank, ambling towards the annex.

It was a man, and Bill found himself hiding behind the tree, immediately taking cover not to be noticed. When he’d chanced a glance at the newcomer, he immediately recognized him.

It was Duke Herhardt.

He watched as the Duke calmly entered the annex, walking up the steps, while different parts of the separate house from the main mansion continued to light up inside.

This made no sense; Leyla would never!

Still, he found himself glued to the spot.

“Wake up Bill,” he muttered to himself, “You’re being delusional, it’s best we get some sleep.” He further mumbled out.

Leyla might not even come by here, she must have walked the other way! Surely, she was back at home now, all asleep and safely tucked in her bed. Yes, there was no reason for him to suspect it was Leyla in the Annex, waiting for the Duke.

It could have been one of the attendants, sent ahead to get things ready for their master…

But just when Bill had fully convinced himself, he saw the Duke step out onto the balcony, and followed closely behind by a woman…

Bill didn’t need a long time to recognize her either.

*.·:·.✧.·:·.*

Leyla’s face was pale as she walked down the connecting stairs in front of the annex. When leaving, she grew all pale and cold, the chilling biting deep into her bones. The moon was high in the sky, illuminating her path through the forest.

All traces of false niceties were also gone from her face. She was left with nothing but a broken spirit and an indifferent look as she recalled the passionate kisses the Duke had given her before parting.

She made sure to fix her glasses, and then straightened out her face, before resuming her steps, a routine she built over the nights with Matthias.

It was just like any night. It should have felt like it had every night before, yet that sinking feeling in her gut refused to leave her be. But everything in her was numb.

There was no fear, no despair…

Not even an ounce of hurt as she replayed his answer of denial. He did not regret anything he did to her. She will have to not regret what she does in return as well.

And there it was, that elated feeling welling up in her at the thought of what she’ll leave him with. An obsession that will never be satisfied.

A minuscule quirk up her lips began appearing, making her feel like she was floating in the air. And then she was skipping through the soft soil, soft giggles escaping her lips as she flailed her arms back and forth.

‘See? I can do it well.’

She thought delightfully to herself, until she felt something dribble down her cheeks, again, and again, and again…

Until she couldn’t ignore it anymore.

She blinked back in confusion, stopping in her victory skip, and brought a shaky hand up to her cheeks.

Why was her hand shaking?

Why did they become wet after she tapped her cheeks?

Her vision began to be blurry, and then it clicked in her head.

She was crying; why was she crying? She wasn’t hurt, was she?

Deciding to ignore that, she resumed her giddy skipping, yet still, the tears persisted in flowing. She couldn’t help but giggle at her ridiculousness! This was tears of joy! Of course it was!

Still her hands shook, and her steps stuttered a couple of times. She could almost feel her knees threatening to buckle beneath her…

Why was everything so muted?

Why was everything so numb?

She continued giggling to herself into the night.

She recalled that cold winter night, when she’d first embrace her hatred of him. Oh what a burden that was! If she knew how tiring it would have been, she wouldn’t have bothered holding on to it!

It weighed heavily in her mind, making her boil with rage from just the mere thought of him, but now, there was nothing. She couldn’t even invoke the usual level of hate for him!

‘Will the rest of my suffering and hatred leave me too, once I leave this place?’

She hummed thoughtfully, pursing her lips in genuine curiosity. She wanted to be free of the Duke, of Arvis, and this hot-iron grip in her heart she knew to be resentment.

She also wished for the memories to leave her once she leaves too. To forget even his existence in her life.

Her steps faltered as her grin grew shakier by the second. The darkness in front of her seemed to stretch out, unending…

And then her giggles turned into sobs, until the weight of everything came crashing down. She was wailing in her loneliness as she heaved for the air of salvation…

“Leyla!” a concerned yell of her name filtered through the haze of her wracking sobs. Leyla gasped for breath, tears still flowing, as she hastily looked up and rushed to wipe away her still flowing tears…

“U-uncle?” she stuttered, hoping with all the deities in existence she was hallucinating. There was no other way she would be able to hold onto her composure over anything else!

But it was true. This was no hallucination.

In front of her, she could see her uncle.

Her uncle who always stood so proudly. Her uncle who was unwavering in his strength. Her uncle who cared and raised her as best as he could from her difficult childhood…

Was walking to her now in staggering steps.

She shook her head in a final attempt at denial, but even as her vision blurred once more, and cleared up as she wiped the tears away, he remained clear and vivid in front of her.

Before she knew it, he was standing right in front of her.

And the chill in her bones turned frigid, as she fell onto her knees, the gravity of what she’s been doing nailing the final blow to her sanity.

But instead of coming back, she was now headed into a forest, and Bill could only stand dumbly in the middle of his room, staring after his Leyla’s disappearing form into the woods.