Cry, Even Better if you Beg - Chapter 112

Memories were triggered in unexpected places.

For this instance, what triggered him was the group of girls passing through the street, which he happened to see outside his car window. When he looked at them, he didn’t really see them.

But he did see Leyla instead, wearing the same uniform they did. She once wore the same ones two years ago, when he saw her fall as she rode her bike.

The uniform was a plain blue dress, with an overall of a white, short-sleeved blouse. Its sleeves were thick, but cool enough to not be suffocating in the warm summer season.

Each grade level wore a different type of ribbon around their neck. For this instance, this group of girls wore white ribbons. Leyla had worn red.

Matthias praised himself for remembering every detail of Leyla so vividly. What an impressive feat.

He was fortunate the roads were not blocked today, the traffic flowed smoothly outside as he settled in nicely in the backseat, and they soon moved away from the group of girls he’d just seen.

He thought he’d be better at ignoring thoughts of her over time, but his control flew out the window once more, as he impulsively barked out a command for the car to stop.

He’d just seen a group of birds fly off a branch on one of the trees down the Platanus road.

Did Leyla tell him how she loved birds because they were always there with her? He knew roughly the feeling. The birds were always there around him, anytime, and anywhere he’d looked, one form or another of a bird would be there.

And suddenly, he noticed more and more of these birds…

And it grew unbearable for Matthias to keep seeing them around him. His chauffeur looked befuddled by his sudden request, and hastily called out to him when he parked to a stop on the side of the road…

But Matthias was already out, ready to take a walk alone on the road.

“Go back to Arvis, I’ll walk the rest of the way from here.” He swiftly replied and shut the door behind him, even as he heard the tail end of the chauffeur’s concern…

“But master, your meeting with Count Klein-”

Matthias was off, and not a single thing mattered to him.

*.·:·.✧.·:·.*

When the news of Leyla had reached Kyle Etman’s circle, he remembered it had also been around the time when the scent of roses permeated the air prominently.

It was timed perfectly around the time he knew Leyla’s birthday would be. It was a bittersweet reminder to him. This was Leyla’s favorite season of the year. Mostly because her favorite flower would be in full bloom.

And so he’d busied himself with his studies, cramming into his brain every bit of subject requirements and lessons to drown out the horrifying memory of his last memory of her.

He’d gotten into the habit of hiding out in the library during his spare hours, only leaving to go back to the dorms, his classes, or when his group of friends summons him out. On and on, this went unchanged…

Until a random group of his schoolmates came across him in the library.

“Kyle!” called out one of them. It was the magistrate’s son. He’d been estranged from him since he’d been in his hometown; they’d been close before too.

Now, they only greet each other when they pass by each other.

“Oh right,” he suddenly interjected, “You won’t do as she did, won’t you?” he asked Kyle immediately, and the medical student frowned in confusion.

Do as who? He had no inkling of what happened outside school lately, nor did he feel the need to know about it.

“I apologize,” He began, still frowning in confusion, “But what are you talking about?”

“You know, like Leyla Lewellin?”

The frown deepened between Kyle’s brows. Something tight gripped in his chest at the mention of her name.

Has something happened to Leyla? Something akin to fear was brewing in his chest for her…

“What about Leyla?” He asked softly, but the worry was clear in his tone. It was at this moment, his estranged friend frowned in confusion as well.

“Are you saying you don’t know?”

“Know about what?” He asked, more urgently this time, “What happened?”

Pity soon came into the magistrate’s son’s eyes as he looked at Kyle.

“Oh,” he thought regretfully, “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but…” he trailed off, deciding how best to break the upsetting news to Kyle, “Word on the street was that the gardener from Arvis, and his foster daughter, Leyla Lewellin had ran away.”

Kyle’s eyes widened

“It happened just recently.” He added, while Kyle continued to look at him with a slacked expression…

“You really didn’t know?” He asked again, and Kyle’s eyes lowered to the ground in disbelief. “I, I’m really sorry you have to know it like this.” He eventually amended, perceiving Kyle’s expression to be a mix of disbelief and distress.

Most of the students attending Carlsbar’s college had known Kyle and Leyla had been set to marry one another. It was a fairytale love story for most of them. With Kyle being a prestigious doctor’s heir, and Leyla a lowly orphan girl trying to make a name for herself…

They’d gotten along swimmingly since they’d been children, and everyone had been rather devastated to hear their engagement had been broken off. It had been all anyone’s been talking about for a while.

Just as his colleague was about to leave him, an iron grip grabbed him by the shoulders, and he jolted around to look at Kyle in surprise.

“Wait, just wait…” Kyle told him, the plea coming out through gritted teeth as Kyle tried to reign in his swirling emotions, “Tell me everything you know.” He begged, and so his old friend did.

Later that afternoon, when Kyle was finally left on his own devices, he stood out in the warm afternoon spring glow, but his pallor was as pale as though he was still standing in that cold winter night…

“Leyla, what happened to you and Uncle Bill?” He whispered off into the wind, “Please, I need to know.” He finished, knowing his words would disappear into the wind.

*.·:·.✧.·:·.*

The sound of rustling leaves drifted in and out of the Platanus road alongside the spring breeze. Matthias remained observing of this matter, as he contemplated how unchanged his days had been lately.

And then another thought came unbidden to him, a thought he’d been surprised to know he even remembered such a thing.

But when exactly did such a day occur? He couldn’t recall specifically.

It had been around winter though, the last of the leaves were just about to fall from where he’d been standing. He’d walked alongside her too, down this road, completely enamored by her presence.

She was the sole focal point in everything he did. She was like the road he stood on, leading him to his righteous path.

But she wasn’t, was she? Perhaps she’d been the wind all along, drifting in and out of him, but something he wanted around all the time.

He stood still, his steps halting in the middle of the pavement. This was the place.

This was where he last saw her standing. Looking all pretty, as though she’d been waiting for him to see her. And he’d always come for her.

His breathing came out in ragged breaths as he closed his eyes, conjuring her in front of him. His hands slowly shook as he imagined having her back in his arms…

To taste her lips, and devour her body as his…

The wind picked up around him.

He never wanted to let her go.

And the wind picked up, as if to give him its approval that he was right in feeling that way. What a lovely wind it was.

This wind had been blowing around him, breezing past his skin like the ghost of her kisses. It bent and floated the leaves that reminded him of her eyes relentlessly.

It was like he’d been trapped in a never-ending dream, where all that mattered was him and Leyla. And he began walking home once again, retracing every step Leyla took home.

A bird flapped its wings, a short distance away from him. He watched as it fluttered in the air, riding the wind before his eyes spotted the mansion’s door, still quite the distance away.

Matthias continued his leisurely walk, closer and closer to the mansion he got. He reached up his neck, and loosed up his tie, and popped open the button at the top of his dress shirt.

How stifling they were.

But despite that, he smiled to himself, walking down the road of Arvis. He turned down the main road, where Arvis opened up, revealing its beautiful gardens to him. And just past the garden, was the forest.

And beyond that forest, was Leyla’s dominion. He took note of every sway the branches made, every shift in the shadows…

There was a pang of longing in him, something he perceived to be for that ruined perfect life he had. But it also seemed like he’d only begun to truly live when the longing began as well.

Every step towards his mansion, it was almost like he was taking a step back in time instead, the further and further back he got in his memory, the closer he got to his mansion…

And then in the back of his mind, he heard it. And Matthias turned around to look behind him…

It was that familiar sound of a bicycle, and Leyla had ridden it just past him. The sunbeams framed her beauty perfectly, making her outshine everything around her.

He watched as little Leyla fell, her bike toppling downwards alongside her, making her eyes widen in surprise. She’d just fallen, and her wheels kept turning despite it not moving an inch.

A loud thumping sound, like a heartbeat, echoed in Matthias’ ears. He could only stare at her fallen form on the ground. And then she looked up, and it was the brightest set of eyes he had ever seen.

She was beautiful as a child, too.

“Leyla.” He called out her name softly, her small, plush lips parting in surprise at him calling for her. And then her figure shifted…

The little girl was gone, and now the woman was in front of him, looking up with a beautiful smile. He offered her a gentlemanly aid, and she took it with a second of hesitation before smiling graciously at him as he saved her.

If he’d done that in the beginning instead of walking all over her precious things, would she still run away from him?

But those thoughts didn’t matter now, and Matthias resumed walking with a quickened pace.

Further down the road he walked, deeper into the forest he went, swerving through the mud and the dead plants until he reached his perceived destination.

“Leyla…” he called out again, wanting to conjure up her presence with enough will.

Maybe she’ll end up in front of him this time.

His quickened pace evolved into a sprint, her name slipping from his lips occasionally, until he saw it…

The weeds have been overgrown after some time of neglect. And the place looked gloomier than when she’d still been living in it. The ghost of Leyla’s face peeking out her window flashed in front of him, before he’s reminded of how desolate the cabin lately had been.

If he’d helped her in the beginning, would she still be here? Would she hold his hand willingly, showing off his claim on her for everyone to see?

They had walked through this forest together multiple times before. Down the river they stood beside one another, even in the middle of the day. And then she would laugh, play along with his jokes and teasing…

And he’d pamper her, spoil her with worldly gifts everyone would die to have.

And then she’d let him in on her life, sharing stories of her day with him, and he’d listen to her voice. They were music to his ears, every sound she made, and he’d make her sing praises for him well into the night!

And he’d forever keep her with him, where he can see and have her to himself. Like his canary, which he’d cut its wings and kept comfortably in an exquisite cage.

The wind picked up again, making the rustle of the leaves grow louder. He looked up at the sky, eyes fluttering closed as he took in the warmth of the sun against his skin…

It was too bright for him, he couldn’t stand it.

He kept walking, kept moving forward as the panging in his chest grew and grew, like a snowball of regret rolling downhill and getting bigger and bigger…

Ah, he just remembered his marriage was just around the corner. Come summer, he’d be a married man. But when he’d imagined his bride and lifted her veil, he could only see a shy emerald gaze, looking shyly at him.

And then she’d blush at the sight of him, a dust of pink painting her cheeks.

And her name would be Leyla, and she would smile beautifully at him as she stared deeply into his eyes, and hold her chin high up as she’d declare herself as his.

Matthias’ hurried pace began to gradually slow down, and that metaphorical snowball kept growing and growing instead, spiraling faster and faster!

Summer would come again, and he’d walk alongside the riverbank, with Leyla in his arms. And then the next summer would come…

And then a blonde kid would appear resting beneath a tree, calling him her father, her eyes twinkling like Leyla’s at the sight of him…

And he’d gather her up in his arm, and let her fly, before catching her in his arms again. And Leyla would be there, just a few paces away, her smile matching her daughter’s as she watched them have fun.

He wanted her like that. But Leyla chose to run away instead.

Something wet trailed down his cheeks. And Matthias frowned. Was it raining?

He looked up, and the sky was clear, free from any storm clouds. The droplets kept going, and that’s when he realized they were from his eyes, and not the sky as he’d initially thought.

Absent-mindedly, he brought a hand up to touch his cheeks, and stared at the wet patch on his fingers afterwards.

Wishful thinking had no value in his life. So is crying. They’re both ephemeral and meaningless in the progress of time.

Sunlight filtered through the gaps between the leaves, giving a rain of sunbeams within the thickened forests as Matthias trudged forward, his gait significantly calmer than he did when he’d walked in the forest.

His eyes fluttered closed once more, ignoring the gradual loss of wetness in his eyes, his heart feeling lighter and empty at the same time…

And then the downhill spiral of his thoughts stopped, just as Matthias exhausted his own memories of Leyla.

Even the wind had left him as soon as his steps stopped in front of the poorly kept cabin in his memories.

“Do you regret any of it? Even a little of it?”

Leyla’s voice echoed in the back of his mind.

And yet in his mind and his heart, his answer remained the same, even now.

“No.” Matthias grinned manically to himself, repeating his answer into nothingness as he answered her question in his mind once again.

“I’ve never regretted it, Leyla.”

He’d never regret anything. Not when it came to Leyla. And that was his absolute truth.

Turning back time was impossible, and thus dwelling on the what-could-have-been was a pointless endeavor. As long as he and Leyla remained as they always were, that would be all that mattered to him, and nothing more than that.

As long as they remained the same people they were in the beginning, his longing and desire for her would forever remain. Even if it meant Leyla would run away from him in the end, just as she did now, he wouldn’t change anything he’d done to have her.

And so now, he really did not regret anything he did for her.

His hands shook with his reasoning, a tightening in his chest making him uncomfortable. Matthias popped open another button, and harshly yanked the tie off his neck before straightening out his suit.

His wetted cheeks and lashes had been dried by the wind shortly before, leaving no traces of his deep thoughts for anyone else but him to see. Matthias’ pale pallor was back to his fair white complexion, with a subtle fatigue reflected in his dark blue irises.

The sun was setting in the horizon. It was time to return.

And without further adieu, Matthias turned on his heels, and headed towards the general direction of the mansion, fully knowing Hessen would be eagerly waiting for his arrival.

As predicted, his loyal butler had immediately raced down the steps of the mansion upon sight of his master. He’d rushed to greet the duke, fretting over his well-being, but Matthias had business to attend to shortly now.

“My Lord-!”

“Has Count Klein arrived already?” he asked, swiftly cutting off Hessen in his further line of questioning. The butler’s lips snapped shut, before he bowed respectfully in acquiescence.

“Yes, my Lord. He’s currently waiting in the office, on the third floor.”

One of the many things Matthias was comfortable with the butler was how quickly he picked up on his better’s moods. It’s been half an hour past since they were supposed to begin, and would normally be considered an utter disrespect to the party doing the waiting but…

Matthias had deemed it to be a minor slight in his reputation. After all, he was meeting with a competitor who once made him wait an hour into their previous meeting.

Hessen led him to the office, while simultaneously remaking his master’s appearance to something respectfully presentable once more. Matthias continued his pace, and waited for Hessen to open the door to the office, before striding in confidently, with his head held high and unbothered.

He was still the Duke of Arvis, Duke Matthias von Herhardt. He was, always will be, the perfect image of what a respectable Lord is. It had to be.