Cry, Even Better if you Beg - Chapter 140

It was a day later, in the afternoon, when the unit they sent out to send a message to their prince finally returned. Everyone felt relief upon their return, but it soon turned into a grim atmosphere upon seeing the state of their soldiers. Upon giving their report, the higher-ups were made aware about the ambush they encountered. One of them got injured by a gunshot and had immediately been rushed to their makeshift infirmary to get treated.

The others, who had minor injuries, were treated briefly before they immediately resumed their way back to Sienna.

As soon as they arrived, it was only then revealed that the injured party was none other than Matthias von Herhardt. He’d forgone getting treated as he prioritized informing the Crown Prince first of the recent developments. As soon as Riette heard the news, he immediately made his way towards the infirmary, just in time to see Matthias finishing his treatment.

“I heard you got hurt. Are you okay?” Riette asked with great concern, eyes raking over his cousin’s figure worriedly. He didn’t look to be in pain, or in any way injured at all.

Had he heard wrong after all?

Without bothering to acknowledge, or even answer his question, Matthias just bypassed him with an indifferent expression, carrying the unmistakable smell of disinfectant.

“Hey, answer me! Where did you get hurt? How did you get hurt?” Riette asked after him, hastily matching his strides, “And what happened with Miss Lewellin?! Why did you let her go so suddenly, huh? Answer me!” Riette demanded when Matthias made no indication he was even listening to him.

He remained resolutely silent for a few moments, before half-heartedly answering the questions sent his way before leaving him in the dust once again.

Not even a single emotion was shown on Matthias’ face as he answered the questions nonchalantly.

He’d gone back to that perfect Duke of Arvis persona of his, and Riette didn’t like how he regressed to his usual self.

“Has the war made you deaf, after all?” Riette asked in disbelief, still persistent in getting answers. Real answers.

He’d seen how Matthias was all his life. Known for his stubbornness and wilfulness all his life.

There was no way he’d let go of Leyla so easily, and go back to the shell he once was. Not when he’d seen how crazy Matthias had acted when it came to Leyla. And now he’d just let her go like that? Back in the arms of the doctor’s son, no less?

It was unbelievable. And that’s why Riette couldn’t help but feel so unsettled by this abrupt change. It was so unlike Matthias. The Matthias they all knew to be.

They soon reached Room 308, and Matthias stood in front of it with darkened eyes.

The first indication Riette had that his cousin was indeed affected by these things.

He can’t even hide his current displeasure from Riette right now. The conflict was warring visibly in his expression.

His anger, his acceptance.

His resignation, and his expectations.

They emerged back and forth as if Matthias is arguing deep within himself about how he should handle these things. Anyone else would have missed these minuscule facial changes. But Riette has been watching Matthias all his life.

He’d learned to read him in that time as well. The word was at the tip of his tongue but…

‘Dickhead’ Riette thought instead, unwilling to say anything worse about his cousin, even in the shelter of his mind. He pursed his lips to a thin line as he waited to see what Matthias would do.

Wasting not a moment more, Matthias reached out to grasp the handle of the door and twisted.

As soon as it opened, it revealed a well-lit room, from the shining sun outside the room’s windows. Every mess he’d seen before he left, was now pristinely arranged and fixed.

There wasn’t even a trace of a woman’s touch left behind.

Not a trace of Leyla was left for him.

Matthias remained there for some time as he had wrapped and held the door handle with whitened knuckles. His eyes wandered all over the room in silence. On Matthias’ face was a slight, yet despairing smile.

He did it. He finally did it.

He let her go, and she left.

And took his purpose and heart with her in the process.

And yet instead of the burning need to have her back, the obsession to know where she’d gone and the madness of her leaving him overwhelming him like it once did…

There was only a calm acceptance washing over him.

Leyla was forever lost to him after all.

She wouldn’t forever be his, after all.

And it made him feel so empty inside. Yet for now, the emptiness was bearable. Manageable.

There was no point in denying it. All he had left to do was to get used to the empty feeling inside him with time. For this is how he’ll live out the rest of his life without her by his side.

Matthias, finally and quietly, crossed the threshold of the room. Riette dutifully followed after him.

“The guts you have, doing such a crazy thing just to end up like this.” Riette finally spoke up, “You left Claudine behind, and insulted her in front of many people, just to come here, and proceed to torment Miss Lewellin. And you let her go, just like that?”

Riette couldn’t help but ask incredulously. The anger in him simmered up to a boil the more he thought of all the trouble Matthias left in his wake to pursue a woman, who he was just going to let leave so easily.

It was insulting as it was despicable.

Matthias only proceeded to unload his things and change his clothes to more comfortable ones.

Riette wanted to keep going, to let rip the insults and curses he had prepared for Matthias when he finally caught sight of the bloodied shirt underneath the thick and dark coat of their army on Matthias.

A shiver runs up his spine at the amount of blood on it.

Ignoring his sudden silence, Matthias removed his bloodied shirt, to reveal his bandaged torso, which seemed to be sporting an ever-growing red spot, albeit minutely.

“That’s where you were shot.”

“It barely grazed my skin,” Matthias answered dryly before he laid down on the bed and he finally looked at Riette, who’d begun to approach him, swearing under his breath at Matthias’ lack of self-care.

“Judging by how you look, you should be hospitalized.”

“This is the battlefield.”

“Exactly. It’s a battlefield. Getting shot could get you killed!”

Riette knew that hospitalization or transportation to the rear units where it was safer was next to impossible being this deep in a war zone, especially with this type of injury during the war. But he couldn’t control his worry over his cousin.

And yet Matthias remained to stare at him unbothered by his still-bleeding wound, leaning against the head cushion.

“You’re crazy,” Riette muttered softly, to which Matthias acknowledged with a mirthless chuckle. At that moment, great fatigue washed over Matthias’ face, broke eye contact with him, and just stared off into the space in front of him.

“I want to rest, Riette.” He answered.

The first real answer he gave Riette since his return. Blinking his eyes back slowly, he could faintly hear his cousin muttering more about his craziness, but Matthias couldn’t find it in himself to contest the claim.

His woman just left him, presumably to be taken care of by someone else that wasn’t him, and would never be him. And he’s stuck here in the middle of the war, pretending he was fine with all of this.

Indeed, only a crazy man would live through this.

Riette watched as Matthias kept smirking to himself before his cousin slowly swung an arm over his eyes to block out the sun from hitting his eyes.

He watched as Matthias’ breathing evened out to slow, and rhythmic breathing, before Riette finally decided to leave him alone.

*.·:·.✧.·:·.*

“It’s hot.”

It was what she said on the last night they spent together.

Leyla, who woke up after tossing and turning, whispered to him with her eyes wide open. Of course, Matthias thought she saw him as either Bill Remmer or Kyle Etman, and looked at her with a disdainful expression.

“It’s hot. It’s frustrating.”’ She kept complaining before she pulled the blanket down, acting like an irritated child about to throw a tantrum.

Matthias moved to stop her before he went to the bathroom and brought a towel soaked in cold water. Lately, he’d gotten good at wiping only the edge of her forehead gently so that her body temperature did not drop too much.

“I want to go out!” Leyla whined again at him, just as soon as he put down the wet towel. Eyeing her dryly, he quickly noted she was still half-asleep the entire time.

Matthias sat in a chair on the side of the bed and covered it with the blanket that Leyla had removed in her fit.

“This is frustrating! I want to go get some fresh air!”

“Not now.” Matthias whispered sternly, even as he soothed and swept Leyla’s hair away from covering her forehead. Leyla’s pale face was as clear as the light of dawn when she asked

“It’s still cold and dark outside, Leyla.”

“But I still want to go! I’m going to do whatever I want!” She huffed out before she blinked back bleary eyes as she stared right into his eyes, “I live to torment you, after all. I need to.” She grumbled, even half-delirious.

Matthias’ chest tightened.

“Leyla-“

“I hate you so much…” she trailed off, “So I’m going to torture you as much as I can.’’

Her threats would have sounded more convincing if it wasn’t for the obvious fact she was falling right back asleep. She was sleep-drunk, and actively insulting him, but he couldn’t help but smile anyway now that she was seeing him.

He could live with her like this, every day. He’d accept her hate if he couldn’t have her love.

“So torture me.” He begged her, even as he whispered the words enticingly at her. Leyla’s eyes only became blank at his answer. Blinking fast as she fought hard to stay awake to keep her torment over him.

“Torture me, as much as you want.”

“Really?” she asked, eyes wide, yet still on the verge of sleep.

“Really.”

She hummed, eyes closed as though she was deep in thought.

Her next words were beginning to sound slurry.

“Of course, you have to.” Her eyes were already half-closed. She proceeded to mutter a few incoherent words after that but soon returned to a night of deep sleep.

Matthias, who had been looking at the figure endlessly, reached out to hold Leyla’s limp hand before he turned to the window, and watched as the morning dawned and the warm sun shone. The window was opened up a little, and let the sea breeze that blew in envelop him in a pleasantly cool and soft feeling.

With Leyla’s hands held tightly, he sat down deeply against the nearby chair, enjoying the sun and wind, and before his eyes drifted closed slowly.

The lovely woman who looked at him not too long ago as though she was pampering him with affection, was about to disappear the moment she woke up. Reality will come again and destroy his fantasy.

Her eyes would continue to look at him with great disdain and rejection.

She’d never change how she felt about him.

And so he planted his last forehead kiss on her sleepy head. Just for this moment, he would think this as a continuation of their lovely times together, even as she revealed her love to him back then to be all just a lie.

Let him have this moment with her.

This would be his last after all.

So that the intimate and sweet time can be kept as the last memory of the time we spent together. Matthias was content to bring this memory to his grave.

That was enough.

It had to be.

It wasn’t until the long sunset of the impending evening that Matthias lowered his arm from covering his face. His gaze at the rosy sky was as still as the serene evening landscape.

He was alone.

He let her go, and she left. And he was left behind.

That was all.

*.·:·.✧.·:·.*

The person who delivered the gift box to Leyla was the soldier who organized and brought the luggage from home.

“It seems like an important item.”

When Leyla looked at him curiously, he hesitated to explain.

“It was in the box. The box in the kitchen, next to the grocery box.”

“Ah…” Leyla’s eyes widened in realization. It was Uncle Bill’s belongings!

She had ignored it at first, unable to see the last vestiges of the man she considered her father. And then Matthias happened, and she forgot about it completely!

Leyla hurriedly accepted it after thanking him. After the soldier who carried the luggage to the room left, Leyla found herself to be alone again.

She sat on a chair by the window with a box tied with a pretty ribbon in her hand. Her residence was a small wooden house on the side of the road near the beach. Most of the furniture remained intact as if the landlord’s family had rushed to evacuate.

She felt ashamed to be living in such a nice house, so Leyla decided to use the guest bedroom. She wanted to just stay quiet for a while here, and leave no trace she’d live in the house when she would move again.

Because she resolved she would be leaving.

She needed to leave.

Over and over she muttered the words to herself, to remind her not to stay and hope for more. It was just not realistic.

But why did every distance she put between her and him, left her feeling like she was being choked up by a collar in her neck?

Matthias reportedly returned to Sienna a day later than expected. That was all Kyle said, and Leyla didn’t dare ask anymore.

She needed to remind herself it was all over now.

She couldn’t believe it, but it was. Kyle was right. Just because he ended up not marrying Claudine didn’t make everything he did to her valid. That much she could see he was right about.

But her days were still spent with her obsessing over the Duke, even as she watched over the peaceful scenery beyond the window. Gone was the intense sadness, pain, and hate in her heart as the reality of him setting her free finally settled in her.

What was left behind was just the hollow feeling that she was alone.

Again.

It was not until the evening, when the nursing officer was supposed to stop by, that Leyla caught herself looking at the empty road in a daze. She saw the box of Uncle Bill’s things.

And then an impulse came over her!

All of a sudden, she found herself unwrapping the ribbon on the box, and placing it on her knee. As soon as she lifted the lid off…

Her hands began to tremble at the sight of its contents.

In it…

Was a beautiful pair of baby shoes.

‘He knew…’ was her first thought, before laughter and tears welled out of her as she gazed at Uncle Bill’s final gift to her.

To them.

‘I have something to tell you, so let’s have a party.’

It didn’t click in her at all, until this very moment what her uncle meant while saying those words as he kept stroking her head. He must have been trying to welcome the child, with such a pretty gift.

He must have wanted to tell her she didn’t have to hide anything from him at all.

For just as he loved an orphaned girl who suddenly appeared in the mail carriage one day, he was willing to love her child, too.

‘Uncle…’ tears kept spilling out of her, even as she wailed and laughed at the same time.

A few moments later, now calmed down, Leyla got up after scrubbing her wet eyes. The white baby shoes were put back in a box and packed deep into the luggage bag.

‘I’ll live well.’ Leyla promised her Uncle’s soul.

She was alone for now, but not forever. She still had a purpose.

And now every hollow feeling that filled her heart, was soon replaced with overwhelming acceptance and grief at the same time. She hadn’t imagined she’d get this far without him, but she made a promise to Uncle Bill.

She can do anything if he believes her. She’d grow up to become a decent adult and do everything well. He made sure to allow her to be one. Made sure she knew, even as he died, that he believed in her ability and capability.

Still believes in her, even.

So it was her turn now to believe in herself. She had to repay him because he believed her.

“Let’s leave, baby,” Leyla said resolutely to the child who was yet to be born. Uncle Bill wouldn’t want to see his daughter sitting helplessly like this.

The Duke will keep his promise. She knew that.

He was just that kind of man. He was cruel and mean, but he kept his promises, no matter how twisted they got.

Leyla still hated him. She didn’t think she would ever forgive him for the things he made her do. But oddly enough, she trusted him without fail.

Just as his feelings for Leyla were not normal, so were Leyla’s feelings for him.

She hated him, yet she longed to stay with him too.

They were like that. They’d always been like that. And that was not normal. It was not healthy.

She watched as the sunset began out of the window, and finally, Leyla learned to stop closing the curtains from falling before her story would even end.

*.·:·.✧.·:·.*

Matthias stopped on the road where Leyla’s residence could be seen.

He found himself always stopping by. Checking up on her when he could. He would wander on this road several times a day, but he never crossed the line he drew.

Matthias knew it wouldn’t be easy letting her go.

He wanted to see her, but the desperate need in him stubbornly remained. He knew he shouldn’t. But like an addict trying to get clean, he needed to wean her out of his system, bit by bit.

And then he won’t end up looking for her when she’d truly be unreachable for him.

It was still hard for him to turn around and leave her be, not when he knew she was just within reach. He was as presentable as ever and made sure to clean up nicely whenever he’d stop by several times a day but…

He knew nothing would change beyond this.

He’d be stuck always watching her from afar. And he’d have to live with this. He would be okay, eventually.

As long as she lived well, and he could see her, even at a distance every once in a while, he’d be okay.

Therefore, he had to endure this kind of life well.

He knew that sometimes, Leyla would be informed of some news about the Duke of Arvis. The news didn’t shy away from any mentions of him after all, and even if he was broken up inside with her leaving, he didn’t want to appear affected by it. He had a reputation and image to keep after all.

But it didn’t stop him from thinking about her day in and day out.

She was his first love.

And she would also be his last love.

Of course, Matthias intended to survive the life of an empty shell. As long as Leyla is alive somewhere in the world, he would survive being without her.

But he didn’t think there would be a day in this life when he would love and yearn for someone again.

Someone who wasn’t Leyla.

No one else was as beautiful and as desirable as her.

If Leyla didn’t exist, he wouldn’t ever know what real beauty looks like. Even if she’d been gone, no one would ever compare to her. They would all fall short, without fail.

So he’d live as a shell, a sham of a human, for as long as he breathes.

So Matthias turned away again, hoping that this wound would never heal from her. The edge of his coat shook behind him as he walked slowly, the chill of the wind making it flutter around him as he walked away.

Even though he knew he would come back here again, and leave without seeing her once, he visited this place every day in perfect shape, not wanting to look less than his best for her.

Just in case he ran into Leyla by chance.

If he had to be hated anyway, he wanted to at least be a wonderful man physically for her. Even if it was meaningless for Leyla, Matthias hoped it counted for something at least.

Laughing mirthlessly to himself about the stubborn pride he had over his image, Matthias found himself returning to the town’s square.

The air around the Berg Army had shifted. He didn’t know what caused it, but he just knew something had changed since he’d been gone to visit an oblivious Leyla.

There was a sense of urgency, and anxiety in the air, even as the soldiers weren’t actively trying to prepare for any confrontation with enemy soldiers.

“Major!” a soldier called for him, hurriedly rushing to his side and saluting him upon sight of him.

Matthias frowned, sensing trouble already was here. A sensation backed upon by the message just relayed to him.

“Ettar’s army has joined Sienna’s landing operation. An emergency meeting has been called and all commanders have been ordered to attend!”