D Minus - Chapter 15

It would be better if there was an exact time before death came. Before he went to sleep, he used to feel scared that he wouldn’t wake up tomorrow. He was afraid that his heart would stop like that.

The sun was coming through the window the street cat was sleeping soundly on the wall and the sea, which was a walk away, could be seen along with trees, flowers, and people. Maybe that moment was his last so he used it to fill his eyes. He was afraid he would not be able to see it again. He was afraid that his imminent death would take everything away from him without warning.

Hajin’s swollen eyes headed to the rocking chair in the living room. On the first day he moved in, he sat there and made a plan to die peacefully.

Simultaneously, Jonghwa’s first appearance came to mind. He was rude and messy and he didn’t want to get along with him. But he burst out laughing helpless, disappointed, as tears fell as if it had been waiting.

“It’s all because of you…”

“…”

“I became like this after I met you. I didn’t mind dying but I got scared after meeting you. It’s all because of you…”

Hajin wiped his tears on Jonghwa’s shoulder and murmured, blaming him. Jonghwa, who was hurt by an arrow of resentment, only nodded without saying anything. He felt a pain in the corner of his heart because he thought it was his fault and blamed him.

“I am hurting after the treatment. That’s also because of you.”

“Right, sowry.”

“It’s not sowry but sorry. How many times have I taught you, why…”

“I am sorry about that too.”

While blaming him, Hajin’s tears stopped. Hajin had a stuffy nose and struggled to breathe and pressed his cheek against Jonghwa’s neck. He could see his cheeks sticking out in a round shape.

“Actually, no.”

“…”

“Actually, I feel comfortable because you’re here. When you are here, I feel less scared.”

His voice was muffled under the pressure of his cheeks. Jonghwa listened to him quietly.

“I actually wanted to get treatment. I didn’t want to die…”

“…”

“Don’t be sorry.”

“….”

“Thank you.”

Hajin’s eyes were red again and he was tired of it. He felt like he was going to cry for the rest of his life. Hajin wiped the tears at the corner of his eyes by pressing them down on Jonghwa’s neck. His breathing was ragged too. The chest of his rose and fell sharply and the pulse was felt through his nape. When Hajin slowly raised his upper body, Jonghwa opened his mouth.

“Shall we die together?”

“…What?”

“Shall I die with you so that you won’t have to be scared to die?”

“…Fuck.”

Hajin laughed in vain at the time. It was amusing to cuss. His entire face ached from how he cried. However, Jonghwa appeared more serious than ever, while Hajin’s face burst into laughing before becoming impassive as well. It wasn’t nonsense. Jonghwa was the most earnest of them.

“I asked the doctor at the hospital earlier.”

“What?”

“If I could lend you my stomach.”

“Hah…”

“He said I can’t. I forgot what he said about why I can’t. So let’s die together…”

“Hey!”

“Yeah?”

“You promised. When I die, you’ll be beside me.”

“…”

“To keep that promise, you shouldn’t die. There’s no point if you die.”

“…”

“You live.”

“…”

“Because you can live.”

The tears that had been flowing for so long stopped completely. Hajin had a hard time smiling by folding the corner of his eyes so he grabbed Jonghwa’s cheeks and kissed him again. It was a little sweeter that time because there were no mixed tears. Jonghwa took a quick breath and soon wrapped the back of Hajin’s head and entangled his tongue.

As soon as Hajin met his eyes, he resolved. The 300 million won would be in that man’s hands but not his relatives.

The crazy man who said he would die with him 104 days after they met.

“I want to go after living like this. Having the abalone sold by the Haenyeo grandmothers, watching the dried fish on the pavements, and, hm…”

“You can watch the sea too.”

“Right. The biggest reason why I came here was the sea. I will go out every day to see the sea, pick up shells, and make sandcastles.”

“You can take a dip in the sea too.”

“I can’t because it’s cold now. It’s something you should do during the summer.”

The two people were sitting on the floor, ignoring the sofa, and had a conversation shoulder to shoulder. Hajin’s eyelids, which were swollen from crying too much, were blinking slowly.

“I don’t want to get treatment.”

“Okay.”

“I want to see as many things as I can.”

“Hm.”

“I should close my eyes after seeing all the good things. So it’s not a pity.”

“Right.”

“Do it with me, together.”

Please watch the sea with me. Let’s play in the sand, pick up sea shells, and take a walk together. Stay with me until I die.

Hajin leaned his head against Jonghwa’s shoulder, smiled, and poked his thigh. A blue vein protruded the back of Jonghwa’s hand, as he held Hajin’s hands tightly.

“Alright.”

“It makes me feel like I’m dating you.”

“…”

“Have you ever been in a relationship?”

The topic of conversation which was heavy segwayed to something lighter. Jonghwa didn’t answer the question that popped up but kept silent and shook his head slowly. Hajin snorted as if he knew the answer.

“You are so you.”

“Have you tried it?”

“No. I was too busy living my life.”

“Huh…You look good enough, why didn’t you even date once?”

“The pot calls the kettle black…you didn’t even date.”

“I am different from you.”

“What’s different?”

“Well, fuck…anyway, we’re different.”

“What’s different? We are the same. If we’re talking about looks, you are way good-looking.”

“Shit…”

When Hajin was completely empty of the prejudice he had conceived of Jonghwa, he could face properly and he was quite handsome. He just wasn’t aware how his large size, distorted impression, and deep scar across his eyebrows covered his good and pretty eyes. When Hajin laughed, Jonghwa’s earlobes turned red.

“Let’s pretend to date.”

“What do you mean to pretend?”

“Just. The people who didn’t have the chance before will pretend to date.”

“If someone is dating, they are dating, what do you mean pretend?”

“Why? Do you really want to date?”

After a good cry, a big joke came out at will. Hajin tilted his head and looked at him, folding his eyes as he smiled beautifully. Jonghwa inflated his chest and turned his face away. He even avoided Hajin’s eyes which followed him.

“My heart beats fast when I see you.”

“…What?”

The prank was cut short in the middle. Jonghwa bowed his head at an angle and nibbled on his lips, his face turning crimson as if someone had scribbled something on it with a red pen. Hajin furrowed his brows.

“You cooked for me and taught me how to study.”

“So?”

“Just, shit. I feel good when I see you.”

“…”

“I’m just saying.”

It was an unexpected answer. Hajin opened his mouth and blinked blankly at his confession. Does that mean he liked it? It didn’t give him any closure. Hajin was looking at Jongwa with a complicated expression and shook his head a couple of times and opened his mouth.

“I am…”

Jonghwa’s ears seemed to perk up like a huge puppy which made him laugh. Hajin smiled quietly so that Jonghwa could not see and continued.

“I feel comfortable with you.”

“What do you mean?”

Jonghwa impatiently added. Hajin burst into a small chuckle and lightly jabbed him on his forearm.

“Well, I don’t know but I feel at ease when I’m with you. I feel like I am going to calm down and get better.”

“Is it a good thing?”

“It’s not a bad thing.”

“…”

There was a moment of silence. Hajin picked up his nails and sighed. He had a lot to say but it was difficult to organize. As if Jonghwa was the same, he flinched and exhaled sharply.

“You’ll know if you ever have done it before. Don’t you think so?”

“…right, fuck.”

“This won’t be love, will it?”

“Is that so?”

“Yes. I’m the first person to cook for you and teach you writing and you’re the first one to…”

The conversation broke off. It was because JHajin was becoming conscious of the meaning of the words he was saying, which were circling his head but Jonghwa who was impatient, lifted his chin and urged him to say something. Hajin cleared his throat dryly, shrugged his shoulders, and smiled softly.

“To give me comfort.”

“…”

“…”

“Then what is it? If not love?”

“…A special person?”

“What…”

“Let’s become special people to each other.”

“What’s a special person?”

“Us. We are special to each other. For the time that I have left, we can walk by the sea, eat delicious food, watch movies at home, and drink alcohol too.”

“Is it different from dating?”

The questions were endless. I laughed for no reason because it felt like I was talking with my students whom I saw a few months ago. Hajin, with a playful smile, stroked Jonghwa’s hair. That was also an action that was unimaginable at their first meeting.

“It’s different.”

“So what’s different?”

“I don’t know. I have never done it.”

“…”

“Still, this is not love.”

“If you say so, you must know. Since you’re clever.”

Jonghwa looked uncomfortable as if his curiosity was not resolved yet but Hajin turned his head without answering further. It was too painful to say anything more.

It shouldn’t be love. Even if you feel it vaguely, you shouldn’t take it as love. The time was too short, the love that came to a person dying each day that passed would never be sweet.

“Let’s go to the sea the day after tomorrow. I have something to do tomorrow.”

“What happened?”

“There is something.”

Come to think of it, Jonghwa didn’t go out lately. Suddenly, Hajin remembered the day when Jonghwa was stabbed and came to him. Subsequently, the voice that said he had been running from his older Hyung also brushed his ears. Hajin was staring at the dark ceiling from his bed and asked Jonghwa, who was lying on the floor with a blanket.

“What are you up to now?”

“There is something.”

“Let’s not keep things from special people.”

“It’s nothing anyway.”

A languid laugh broke out in the darkness. Hajin smiled silently after him and asked again. “Huh? What is it?” but the answer to sleep came back as soon as that. But Hajin didn’t want to give up. It was not that hard to tell a secret to someone who was about to die. Hajin turned to Jonghwa, jealous before asking playfully.

“Are you being chased?”

“No.”

“Then? You’re really not a  gangster, right?”

“No, what…”

“No matter how I see it, you’re keeping it from me.”

Hajin was even joking about it. At first, he thought he might be a gangster but as he got to know him, he became convinced he wasn’t. It was because he was used to his pure laughter, cheeks that turned red whenever he was embarrassed, and light brown eyes. Hajin was lying on his side with his arm spread out before a smile raised the corners of his mouth.

“So then what?”

“…”

“If you don’t want to say it, you don’t have to. But if it’s difficult to say, then I want you to open up to me.”

“…”

“You know, how we confess our feelings. Okay, I’ll do it first. If you tell me, I’ll keep it in my heart and bury myself with it. I’ll carry all your difficult thoughts. It’s because we are each other’s special person.”