Death, Devotion, Dissonance - Chapter 211: Weakness

Endra found himself laughing, looking at Evin’s shocked face. But he couldn’t blame the boy.

“Is this some kind of twisted joke?” Evin finally asked.

“Unfortunately for you, no.” Endra couldn’t wipe the grin off his face. “I’m just shamelessly pushing the responsibility of killing me to you.”

Endra himself didn’t know how serious he was being. He felt so terribly aloof. He felt so done with everything, thoughts such as ‘It would be nice if Evin ends up killing me,’ were floating around in his head.

Evin seemed to notice his thoughts. The boy calmed down slightly and spoke. “You can still stay with me. In my head.”

Endra did not need to think about the offer.

“I’m done living that life,” he shook his head. “There’s only so much I can tolerate in life.”

Endra didn’t mean he couldn’t tolerate Evin. He meant life as a voice in someone’s head in general. He probably should’ve clarified that, considering the face Evin was making, but he couldn’t make himself speak.

He didn’t even want to bring up the whole argument of Evin just wanting to use him as a spell-casting bot. He also didn’t want to think about how Evin got attached to him. It was all in the past.

Today, he just wanted to perish. To invite the nothingness, despite the fear it induced in him.

“Kill me, and let’s be done with this.”

Endra walked back to his couch and fell onto it with a relieved sigh. Evin was left behind him, probably still wearing that shocked face. Endra looked back and sure enough, the boy’s eyes were darting between the knife and him, his breath quivering.

Endra thought long and hard about the choice he was offered.

He couldn’t live on as a voice in Evin’s head. He just couldn’t.

He also knew that the choice he made was almost as bad as him killing Evin. Who gave a 12-year-old boy a choice like that? Wasn’t it the adult’s job to take responsibility instead of the children?

It was.

He should’ve already stabbed himself, if he just wanted to die. He had no right to leave such a weight on Evin’s shoulders. In fact, he should’ve already killed himself.

He knew he was acting like scum. In fact, scum was too light a word to describe him. He was a know-it-all baggage, who regarded himself the equal to half of humanity. Death was too good of an outcome for him. The big man up in Earth’s sky seemed to agree as well.

‘Just roll over and die, you scum. Why do you have to be so dramatic? Why overcomplicate things?’

But something about a quiet and peaceful death did not sit well with him. He even wanted to go make a fuss in Twelve’s room, but… his survival instincts were still intact. So, as a proper and respectable member of society, he could only vent his anger on the 10-year-old boy.

At this point, he wasn’t even sure if he was going to die here or not.

“Please, stay with me,” Evin spoke. “We can talk about this.”

“There are countless things we can talk about, but at the end of it all, it’ll end with you killing me. Perhaps some other day, I would’ve been happy to have those conversations, but not today,” Endra replied, closing his eyes. “Talk to me when you’re ready. If you want to, you can just stab me. I won’t mind.”

‘Well, there’s that,’ he thought as he laid on the couch with his eyes closed. ‘The knife should come any second now.’

Endra did not want to look at Evin. He didn’t want to talk to him, and frankly, he just wanted to disappear. He was now feeling the shame of the choice he made just now.

It would be a lie if he said he wasn’t scared of death. He was still human. Technically, he was already dead, but he still struggled for a chance to live all these years later. He didn’t know what to make of this.

‘Just end it,’ he thought half seriously.

But he had to open his eyes at Evin’s next words.

“Fine, I’ll do it.”

Evin was holding the knife properly this time, looking at Endra with a gaze of determination and anger.

‘I suppose it’s fair he’s pissed,’ Endra thought as he pushed himself into a sitting position.

‘It would be great if he really does stab me,’ Endra thought half-heartedly. ‘I wouldn’t have to make the choice and I wouldn’t have to go through the hassle of stabbing myself.’

Resolving himself, he tried his best to control his expressions. He couldn’t show fear or hesitation in front of the kid and ruin the moment. After shoving the responsibility onto the boy, the least he could do was to accept his fate with dignity.

Evin seemed to notice his change and walked towards him with deliberate steps. Endra did not bother standing up. It would’ve been more comfortable for Evin to stab him as he was sitting down. He briefly mused if it was going to hurt, but decided it was best to not think about it.

‘Though, he really made up his mind quickly,’ Endra wondered. ‘Did it have something to do with the memories he saw?’

In the end, it didn’t matter. Endra refused to think. He was going to die here now, and it would be best if he didn’t have regrets about it. But if he thought about things too deeply, the of course he was going to find grievances. Best not to dig up that hole.

Evin appeared in front of him, holding the knife in that weird psycho reverse grip.

‘You were clearly taught on how to properly hold a knife. Why do you need to hold it so emotionally?’

The Vice-chair always advocated a forward grip, since it allowed for more range and also more finesse. In Endra’s experience the reverse grip allowed for more power while sacrificing some safety. But at the end of the day, they were mages. They could strengthen their cuts through other means. In the first place, it would be best if they didn’t have to use a knife to fight.

Clearing away the random thoughts, Endra sighed. ‘I guess it doesn’t matter since I won’t be dodging anyway.’

He looked at Evin, who was raising the knife in his hand, preparing for a swift strike. Endra wondered if Evin was going to miss for dramatic effect, but the knife’s edge was headed straight for his forehead.

‘Huh.’

Endra’s life did not flash past his eyes during that moment. Only the eerie edge of the knife filled his vision. Now that he thought about it, nothing of the sort happened when he first died back on earth.

However, when the knife was an inch away from his head, Evin’s movement slowed down unnaturally. The moment of impact was delayed eternally, before Evin’s movement stopped completely. There wasn’t even a ripple in his gaze. The off colors in the World of Souls looked even bleaker than normal.

Time stopped for Endra.

He tried to frown, faced with the unknown occurrence, but his body was not exempt from the phenomena’s effects. In fact, only his eyes seemed capable of moving.

“Strive for eternity or strive for true death!” a woman’s voice echoed above.

“Lest your wandering undeath comes haunting you once more.”