Death, Devotion, Dissonance - Chapter 223: Coping

Stepping outside, Endra walked towards a bench and pulled out the extra coffee he’d gotten from the stall. It got cold inside the Storage Ring, but Endra didn’t mind. He slowly sipped from the cup, feeling nostalgic due to the bitter taste.

‘I should try the ones with sugar and milk.’

Inevitably, his thoughts started to wander towards the conversation he just had. It was more of a one-sided monologue, rather than a conversation, but it did have some good points. As much as Endra hated the Chairman, he wasn’t going to ignore him just because of that.

Like Kent said, Endra prided himself in his open-mindedness to learn from anyone.

And Endra indeed realized something during the conversation. He was going to be fine.

Like Kent said, just because you knew the right thing to do, you didn’t always actually do them.

Endra knew it was best to forget about Evin and move on with his life, focusing on his future. It was a future he robbed from a child, but since the deed’s already been done, there was no reason to waste the opportunity.

One had to be realistic about these things.

Sure, he sinned, but so what? Who didn’t sin? Who cared if the size of his sin was a little more severe than others? It was pointless to compare sins. Big or small, one could only learn to accept their sins and live on.

And what was sin in the first place? Only a name one attaches to our regrets, hoping some god would accept it for them. Remove all the fancy things, such as its connection to god, then it just becomes ‘feeling guilt’. It was all in the mind.

You do something good; you feel good. You do something bad; you feel bad. That’s all there was.

Endra knew all these things logically. He read it in books, he saw it on movies, he saw it happen to his close ones, and he experienced it over and over with how helpless he felt as a spirit.

But there was a problem. He still felt the guilt.

No matter how helpless he was during the situation, no matter if he had no choice in the issue, his heart would still ache like a motherfucker. No matter how many times he goes through the same things, despite him realizing the symptoms, he still felt as if he’d sinned.

Did that mean that Endra was unable to grow for all these years? Did it simply mean he was too idiotic to put things into practice?

No.

It just meant he was human.

And to be human, was to be accompanied with the nonsense called emotions.

They were the only thing that kept every single person in existence to reach enlightenment. Without them, there would be no love or sorrow, there would be no grief or sadness, there would be no momentary surges of rage, there would be no grief or guilt.

Without those hindrances, who couldn’t become a buddha?

But something so convenient wasn’t reality. Endra was still stuck with the regret looming inside his heart. Even the memories if his previous life were haunting him endlessly. How to be rid of them and become enlightened… who knew?

Though he at least knew one thing. Or at least, he remembered he knew it during the conversation with Kent.

His emotions would resolve its issues by itself soon enough. You just had to steer it in a favorable direction, but otherwise let it be.

Endra’s actions these past two weeks were the perfect example.

Endra knew he was acting illogically. He was walking around in circles, hoping to delay the conversations that would serve as proof for what Endra did. Perhaps if he takes long enough, everything would be resolved by itself.

‘Of course, something so convenient wouldn’t happen. I need to come back here and settle these issues. But at the same time, I can’t just come back here immediately and act as if everything’s normal.’

But on top of having to take responsibility, Endra also needed to care for the well-being of his mind. And the only way he knew how to do that was to allow himself some time to cool off.

Endra had to come back to Evin’s life, but he needed a little time to distract himself from the problems that plagued him. The time he spent as a tourist provided that for him.

If he’d immediately came back to Ankelite city after parting with Twelve Jokes, he was definitely not going to be at his best. He was almost sure to say things he wouldn’t want to say, and act in a manner that would get him in trouble later on.

But now, he was confident enough in himself to not worry too much.

Endra knew all these things, so he started to feel Kent’s worries and advice were unneeded. In the end, Endra learned more about the Chairman so he could say it wasn’t completely useless. It also allowed him more time to delay his talk with Bella.

But of course, Endra knew it couldn’t take any longer.

Endra sighed loudly. ‘Too much thinking…’

He got up his seat and stretched his body. Refreshed, he absentmindedly looked around. Finding no one, he resolved himself to go talk to Bella.

He headed towards Bella’s room, wondering how the conversation would go. He’d at least get punched a few times. Knowing the girl’s temper, it was surely going to escalate further.

‘Hmm. Maybe I should go in with my core charged up. Isn’t really a bad idea. But I’d need to let her vent a bit…’

Endra decided he’d take the punches, but would act if things go out of hand.

Thinking such things, he appeared before Bella’s room. He knocked on the door, but surprisingly heard no answer. Scratching his cheek, Endra moved to his own room. Perhaps she was busy with something else. If she wants to she can come to him herself.

It was unlikely, but if Bella decided not to talk with him today, then all the better.

Humming, Endra came before his room and paused.

‘Damn, Arza’s in there isn’t he? I should really get a private room…’

Endra opened the door, but instead of Arza, he was met with Bella, who immediately tried to kiss him.