Fallen Lightbringers’ Return - Chapter 33: Mornings

For Kim Heeson, the mornings were always the roughest part of the day. He woke up with a chapped mouth and a dry throat that scratched at him for not drinking enough water yesterday. The bed he slept on was a double, though there had only been one pillow on it.

He sat up, pulling at his blackout curtains, then winced at the light, even though it was practically still night. Within all the mornings, he hated the winter ones the most. The outside was cold, dirty, and mushy, with a gray tint painted all over the cityscape. At times, he even believed someone had done something horrible to Seoul: that a monster had gobbled the sun up, or some apocalyptic event sent them all into oblivion. Maybe that was his problems with mornings—he was an avid dreamer. Though there weren’t many who weren’t.

The smell of smoke wafted in the air. He had grown all too familiar with that smell. Still, he felt the annoyance well up within him. He swung himself out of bed and put his school uniform on. The cold metal ring of the belt touched his belly, and his face grimaced.

Heeson took a walk to the bathroom to clean his teeth of the foul morning smell. He placed only a little paste on his brush, as disliked the chilly mint which would numb his tongue after too long of use.

In the living room, the boy saw some burnt eggs atop black toast. Next, there stood a glass of water.

A woman with long unkempt hair and dark circles around her eyes placed a spoon on the table. She chewed on the butt of her lit cigarette while gesturing for him to take a seat. “You’re going to be late. Eat your food.” She wore a sleeveless shirt that emphasized her tattooed arms and high-waisted jeans. A far cry from the office lady their mother had wished her to become.

“Nah, I think I’ll pass.” As he always did. The fact was, whenever he saw his older sister, Kim Jae-Eun, like that, he always lost his appetite. “Did you have any food yet?”

“I’m going to eat with the boys”, she said.

“Is that so.” He did not comment anything more. It was always the same. He tried vaguely retracing his memories that would show how they had ended up this way, then remembered there was no point to it. As far as he knew, their relationship had been this way for the past several years. The old innocuous sister who’d carry him around to explore the urban city was nowhere to be seen now.

Kim Jae-Eun took the slice of bread. She asked once more if he wanted a bite. He answered once more with a no. “Fine then, don’t get angry at me when you starve in class.” She laughed lightly; Kim Heeson did not follow suit.

Instead, he took his bag and put it on his shoulder. “It’s fine. I’ll buy something if I turn hungry.”

She placed her free hand on her hip and gave him a glare. “What, so you are hungry after all. You’re so complicated. ” She placed past him the black like they were trading cards. The egg almost fell down. “Here, pack it up, or I’ll eat it myself.”

“I’m not. But I might be later,” he groaned, quickly losing patience. “It’s not that hard to understand.”

“I do understand, but I don’t think you do,” she told him sharply. On the outside, she always seemed stony, but those people always held the greatest emotions. Kim Heeson knew. “You’ve got to be careful with your expenses. It’s not like we have a lot of it. As far as I see it, we should save money where we can. That doesn’t include you eating nothing of course, since you are still growing. But if we save here and there—”

“I don’t want that nasty food!” He outlined it for her as best as he could. The clock ticked further and at a timely pace.

“Why are you shouting,” Kim Jae-Eun asked calmly. She waited for him to calm down. “You don’t need to shout.”

“Well, what do you want me to say. You don’t listen to me otherwise.” He took the water and drank it all in one big gulp.

Kim Jae-Eun tilted her head. In the end, she threw the food away. “That’s because I want the best for you. Even if you may not believe so.”

He clicked his tongue. “It’s not like you’re my mother,” Kim Heeson barked back at her, though that came immediately with a sense of regret, which left out his mouth as a soft, “Sorry.”

“Apology accepted.” She said simply and looked at the clock. She tucked her hair behind her ear, though it quickly loosened back to its original position. “See, late again.”

The Kim family was a household of three. Though most of the days, it barely felt like two, and even if they all got together, Heeson still felt alone.

The father had left three years after his birth, leaving behind only burden and childhood trauma. That bastard must have come from a family of good money, to have erased his trace so thoroughly. His mother told him that when she birthed Kim Jae-Eun, that man had only been 21. At the time of that story, it still felt so far away—but now he realized he was only 2 years away from that. Kim Heeson never remembered his father, but he did feel the absence of him. The way he saw it, that good-for-nothing was better off gone, but naturally, he still understood the financial and social burden it placed on this family. Although he settled with this idea on his own terms.

His mother had it especially hard. She woke up before him and slept after him. He rarely got to face her, and when he did, she’d always had that listless look around her. He had long forgotten the taste of her homemade cooking, replaced with premade convenience store food or his sister’s charcoal. It was an illusory feeling, as whenever he tried recalling his memory, he saw those traditional Korean dishes, yet the taste and aroma would escape him as if robbed away by some nasty Dokkaebi.

Kim Heeson shook his head, ridding himself of these unnecessary thoughts. Putting on his long winter coat, he left for school.

In the beginning, he did not know he was poor. It was his sister that helped him realize that—even though she meant well. She always said she’d not turn into their mother, working 24/7 and leaving no time for the family. She wanted to be a rockstar, and yes, she did have the talent for it. A gifted child that could play the guitar before others knew how to read. But so could many others. Kim Heeson could turn on the TV, and he’d hear countless OSTs, BGMs, and random compilations of people that never made it big, yet still were exceptional.

A black crow dug through the trash, finding a dead rat and sweeping it away. The cold air enveloped him, and he tucked his neck into his coat. He thought maybe he should have brought a scarf. But he could not find it in his heart to return and face his sister again.

Her band, she had played with for more than a decade now. Some had gone off, their dreams washed away by the overflowing society that deemed them wasteful, and others, like his sister, continued to pursue what he saw as fruitless. She would soon be turned thirty, still jumping from job to job never building a career. The next gig will be it, she always said. He knew, even at such young age, at one point, her decisions of the past would catch up to her future.

“At this point, I wish she had turned out like mom.” He sighed though, for he remembered that he was no better off. No, maybe he had been even worse, for God was not merciful enough to give him any hopeless dreams he could lose himself in. No talents worth pursuing, and no life worth living. Maybe that’s the reason he was always angry in school. He reflected. But what was he to do?

He hated the mornings. They were times of planning, responsibility, and self-love. The sun seemed to uncover everything, shining upon all his flaws, leaving him exposed. The night was no such thing. No one questioned you at night. The tiredness of the morning would be flushed by the excitement that night brought.

He came close to reaching the school. Lately, he had stopped hanging out with the usual delinquent bunch. They were good people, he did believe that, but for some reason, the joy he found lazing around with them had lost its glimmer.

“Shit, Heeson, what’s with the gloomy face?” He heard someone shout behind him, but he wasn’t startled, as he had gotten used to that person’s voice.

Lee Dojin hooked his hand around Heesons neck. Next to him was Kim Jeyjin, who walked while giving him the side-eye. “Didn’t ya’ eat well? Yeah I get it. Let’s go get something at the cafeteria at lunch break. Can you hold out until then?”

Kim Heeson smiled his expression brightening again. “Sure, why not? But I can’t treat you this time.” The three of them entered the school ground. He closed his eyes and cooled his head. Lately, even the hateful mornings had gotten a tad more bearable. Though he did not quite understand why.