Hard to Escape - Chapter 18.2

The quarreling stopped at once. Clutching the red, swollen half of her face, Yin Xuan glared at me with a pair of beautiful, teary eyes. Truthfully, their fight had revealed a large amount of information, so my heart was a huge, chaotic mess. But due to my good nature, I nevertheless crawled up off the floor. Then I lifted my head and explained, “Last night I drank a lot. I think the amount I drank was too much, so I ended up falling asleep in the closet. Only just now did I wake up.”

Those who know too much will be silenced, it’s better for me to play dumb.

I hadn’t even fully explained myself before Yin Li squeezed me in a tight hug, cutting me off. He buried his head in the hollow of my neck. “Thank God you didn’t run off somewhere.”

His embrace was very tight, and his back faced Yin Xuan. Consequently, I could see her expression very clearly. She was currently glaring at me with eyes full of bitter resentment. I seemed to feel a sort of déjà vu, as if I had seen her glare at me like this countless of times before.

Yin Li didn’t make a single mention of their previous conversation. He only released me and touched the imprints on my face from last night’s odd sleeping position. “Next time, it’s probably better for you not to drink. I won’t be able to search the entire house for you while feeling this anxious.”

Yin Li rubbed away those imprints for me, and only then did he turn to address Yin Xuan. “You didn’t get any sleep last night, you must be tired.”

The implicit meaning behind these words was clearly, “It’s about time you left.” Yin Xuan obviously understood. Her whole face darkened with fury, she picked up her bag, turned, and strode off.

Only after the clicking of her high heels finally faded did Yin Li frown and rub his temples. His expression also revealing a sense of exhaustion.

I suddenly couldn’t suppress the feeling that, right now, I didn’t want to question him about anything either.

I’d always known that our love story was irrational, I knew it from the very beginning. A little voice in my head had constantly warned me that we weren’t compatible. Compared to the me who lacked anything of the past and anything in the present, Yin Li really had too much. From his countless displays of love and affection, I’d developed the firm conviction that he also loved me. Yet I couldn’t help but also continuously uncover layers and layers of suspicious things about the past. Those doubts and suspicions residing in the remnants of the past had gradually eroded everything until the sky above us was an empty ruin.

But love by nature is irrational and beyond reason. Right now, I too was still hopeless and didn’t want to leave him.

From his conversation with Yin Xuan, I could confirm that they had indeed played a part in my past. And furthermore, from their words it seemed that these memories weren’t fond at all. Rather, it seemed that it was the complete opposite; they were absolutely unbearable. Yin Xuan’s hatred for me also made me feel uneasy. What sort of person had I been in the past, to have elicited such visceral cursing? And what kind of role was Yin Li playing? Why had such a long time passed after my car accident and amnesia, and even after I had posted so many missing person adverts, with no one trying to contact me? Why did the woman in that painting have the same exact face as me?

I feared that all of these things weren’t mere coincidence. I distinctly remembered Yin Li confidently telling me that Yin Xuan and I had never met. Yin Li was deceiving me. Or perhaps from the moment I opened my eyes on that hospital bed, a trap was waiting for me.

This realization made a chill spread over my whole body. Just a moment ago, I was immersed in the bliss of love and being proposed to. But now it was as if I’d been informed that everything was a merry illusion, like flowers in a mirror and the moon’s reflection in water.1 So long as one took a step forward and reached a hand out to touch it, the illusion of happiness would burst like a bubble, immediately vanishing away into nothingness without a trace.

1 The author uses the phrase 镜花水月 (flowers in a mirror, moon’s reflection in water) here, which has a similar meaning as “rose-tinted glasses” or seeing everything with an unrealistically positive view.

I stood, avoiding looking Yin Li in the eye. In a relaxed tone, I said, “Really, you shouldn’t feel the need to slap Yin Xuan just because she refuses to apologize to me. This kind of thing really hurts one’s ego. Besides, when you hit someone, you shouldn’t go for the face. I was sleeping so soundly in the closet until you guys woke me up with that slap. If she doesn’t like me, then so be it. It’s not like the person I’m marrying is her.”

I ignored Yin Li’s expression. Pretending to be completely clueless about the contents of  their conversation, I yawned. “Sleeping in the closet made me sore all over. I’m going to lie on my bed and sleep some more, later in the afternoon I still have class.”

I don’t know if it was just my mind playing tricks on me, but it looked as if Yin Li’s frown smoothed out after hearing my words, his expression also relaxing a lot more. “This time I was in the wrong, my attitude towards Yin Xuan was also a bit too irritated. In the past, I spoiled her too much. I’ll send you to school later.”

I shook my head, refusing his offer. “It’s alright, I’m going with Wu Mei today. We just so happen to have a paper to discuss.” My head was still suffering from a hangover, and I didn’t really want to face Yin Li right now. My inner thoughts were a complete mess. I truly just wanted to cool down by myself. Luckily, Yin Li didn’t continue to insist on this either.

I knew that my current cowardice towards my past was absolutely shameful. It was likely that Yin Li was a liar, and those loving gazes and romantic words of his were probably only props. But my feelings right now could only be described by using the Little Match Girl as a metaphor. Despite knowing perfectly well that those warm, sumptuous family dinners were merely an illusion created by striking a match at death’s door, she still yearned for that little bit of warmth and continued striking matches all the way until the end, when she died among her own fantasies.

From the car accident till now—from the despair of being unable to walk, to the panic and worry of confronting a strange world—only the time I’d spent with Yin Li like we were in love with each other had brought me happiness. As for the truth, I was utterly incapable of directing my thoughts that way.

My calm manner probably really did fool Yin Li into believing that I’d heard nothing and knew nothing. He only showed slightly more concern that usual about when I would be coming home in the afternoon. For the first time, he seemed to be a bit shy and nervous as he asked, “Can you come home a bit earlier tonight to keep me company for longer?”

I nodded.

Candle: RIP Yan Xiao, it’s not easy to face reality sometimes, esp when it’s this painful.  I can sort of understand her reluctance to immediately address things… Aaahhh hang in there!! Also peep Yin Li acting cute, too bad it had to come at such a bad time… /sadlaugh

Chapter end