Hard to Escape - Chapter 39

I actually did remember the first time I met Yin Li. After our trip to Mexico, I had already regained that memory. It’s just that I didn’t want to say.

It was a day in autumn. The climate had been changing rapidly. After a bout of rain, it suddenly became a lot colder. My mother had been invited to Germany by a friend, so I was left alone in Paris.

At that time in ballet school, we were confined to our practice rooms. I didn’t have any way to buy thicker winter clothes. The other girls all had relatives to send over warm coats. Only Yin Xuan and I didn’t. Yin Xuan had come alone to Paris to pursue ballet, and she didn’t have any relatives here either.

Every time I saw her thin clothes, I don’t know why, but I felt comforted. I wasn’t alone.

However, this illusion was quickly broken. One afternoon, she came in wearing a thick, expensive overcoat.  That was the first time I knew she had money and a brother who loved her.

“Oh, Yin Xuan? She’s from the Yin family. Yin Li is her brother. I saw him yesterday. He was so handsome and kind. When he saw Yin Xuan, he wrapped a scarf around her. Just now I saw him at the practice studio. It seems like he’s waiting for her to finish practicing before taking her out to eat.”

Then, I saw Yin Li. He really was a handsome young man. His expression was a bit cold. Yin Xuan walked over with a skip in her step and his face couldn’t help but blossom into a smile that could melt ice and snow. I saw him stretch his hand out to rub Yin Xuan’s nose. Yin Xuan laughed and hooked her arm around his elbow. Under his doting, indulgent gaze, she laughed and talked the whole way out.

That was the first time I knew what jealousy felt like.

Before, no matter how glamorous the events Yin Xuan attended, I remained indifferent and steeled myself into numbness. I gave up a social life, and thus had stronger ballet skills. But once I saw her family and how loved she was, my heart was poisoned by jealousy.

After that, Yin Li appeared constantly. Sometimes he would look at Yin Xuan dance with the most doting expression. Other times he would quietly listen to her grumble and complain. Every time he appeared, the female ballet students would flush red to the tips of their ears and itched to chat him up.

Even according to Western standards of beauty, he was a tall, handsome man, with the exotic bearing that Westerners love.

It was only till one day, during dusk, that I encountered Yin Li. I was still wearing my practice outfit and shoes. I walked through the hallway and saw Yin Li standing in the lounge. He was probably a bit tired of waiting and came out to get some air. I then saw him light a cigarette. The last rays of the sun were cast upon his body, and he looked out the window pensively.

He had a beautiful pair of eyes.

I don’t know what came over me in that moment, but I found myself walking towards the lounge. Yin Li heard a sound and turned his head. He heedlessly threw me a glance. I gritted my teeth, mustered my courage, and leaped lightly in front of him.

With a harsh demeanor, I snatched the cigarette from his mouth. He stared at me in shock.

“Monsieur, this entire area is a no-smoking zone,” I said in French, directing a provoking look at him. I threw his cigarette on the ground, and then crushed it under my foot.

If my mother had seen me then, she would have gone mad. She had spent so many years painstakingly instilling in me the grace and elegance of a refined lady. She would have never thought that I would use such an unbridled, impolite method to chide a smoker.

I knew this departed from what I was taught. But in that moment, my heart was devilishly overjoyed. I was like a freed demon, evil yet merry.

I shouldn’t have treated Yin Li that way, but I resented his sister out of jealousy. My resentment was so strong that I even resented him. I couldn’t help myself. I just wanted to treat him this way.

Yet Yin Li maintained his good bearing. Seeing the crushed cigarette, he merely smiled at me.

“Sorry, I didn’t know. Thank you for correcting me,” He replied in French. Surprisingly, his French was like a native’s. My feelings were only exacerbated.

“You’re very fluent in French.” I lifted my chin in arrogance, yet I was silently astonished that I was still talking to him.

Yin Li stared at me for a while. “Thank you.” Then, he called out to me just as I turned and was about to leave. “You are the only dancer I’ve seen who has such a stiff face. The other girls are clearly lively and laugh a lot. Although ballet is an elegant art, if you emphasize that elegance too much, you’ll seem too arrogant. Dancers should have a little down-to-earth quality to them, so that they can better connect with their audience while still being graceful.

“Miss, you should smile more.” Then he straightened, walked over, and questioned, “What’s your name? Su Rui? I remember Yin Xuan telling me that Su Rui was a French-born Chinese who spoke French better than Mandarin. Yin Xuan seemed close to her. My sister keeps reminding me to remember her friends’ names.” As he said this, his expression was quite sheepish.

I naturally didn’t want Yin Xuan to know of this matter and blurted out, “No, I’m not Su Rui. My last name is Yan.” Then I turned and left without looking back.

I clearly remember how I felt at that time. I was so nervous. It was as if I had done some shameful, horrible thing. But a part of me was still happy I lied and didn’t get caught. Even after I returned to practice, I felt like I was stepping on clouds. I felt so light that I couldn’t even tell a dream from reality.

Only until a few years later would fate have me meet Yin Li again in such a manner. He thought I couldn’t remember how we first met. Those memories might have been locked away by the amnesia or it might have been so trivial that it wasn’t worth remembering in the first place. I didn’t tell him, but I remembered. Back then, I also thought that it was such a trivial occurrence that Yin Li wouldn’t remember it either and quickly forget that such a thing happened. But when he met me again, he named me Yan Xiao, meaning “to smile”. So he still remembered.

We both lie in each other’s memories. We were engraved in those memories for so many years. Only until we understood the rhythm of time did we both rouse each other’s memories up.

But I didn’t plan on saying on this. I didn’t plan on telling either Yin Xuan or Yin Li. This was my secret, and love needs to have its secrets.

All these memories flashed by in an instant. Yin Xuan was sitting quietly in front of me and I told her, “Your life was never worse than mine. Quite the opposite. When you were envious of others lives, your own life was also a source of envy for others. You should not give up on ballet. You are more suited for it than I. If you just waste your life away like this you’ll only be a loser.”

Yin Xuan seemed to have been moved by my words but she still seemed to struggle to grasp them. “But what about my brother? Ever since my brother had you by his side, he clearly treated me more coldly. I can’t accept that. I didn’t even object to you two being together. But he’s recently so busy with your matters. He doesn’t show any concern for me. If he came knocking on my door every day, there’s no way I would refuse him every time.”

She still spoke like a spoiled child.

“Your brother loved you from the very start. You are his only sister. No one can take your place in his heart. Besides being busy with my exhibition, do you know how hard he’s working to get you a spot in the competition?” I looked down at the floor. “Moreover, everyone has their own life. You can’t be with Yin Li forever. He’s already cherished you dearly for twenty years. I’m just taking a little bit of that love away, and that’s all I ask for.

“I can only say this much. Even though your body has changed, you know better than I that the moment you pick up your ballet shoes, there’s nothing in the world that can stop you.

“I’m sincerely inviting you to dance with me. I didn’t treat you fairly before, and I had even resented you. You were like me, and that’s why we were both punished. But now we can both be better people. We can communicate with ballet and perhaps even because of that, help each other and improve. I imagine this is also what Yin Li wants. He loves me, and I love him just as much. If we can’t make up, he’s sure to be the one who suffers the most.”

Yin Xuan bit her lip and glared at me. “Fine, I’ll go. Since you once said that you pushed yourself hard to lose weight and exercise to return to the stage, I’m sure I can do it too. Just to be clear, it’s not for you. I’m doing it for my brother. As for myself, you were right. I’m not worse than you. Also, with your car accident, the condition of your legs can’t be better than mine. If even you don’t give up, why should I?”

The day of the exhibition was drawing close. I gave Yin Xuan the program schedule. Once I saw that she had recovered her energy, I left. She sat on the sofa, not bothering to send me to the door. But once I opened the door to leave, I thought I heard her quietly say thanks.

Chapter end