Heart of Darkness - Chapter 213 Saving myself

The destroyer had realized a few things and now as he dived deep into his mind, the place where he might find what frightened him, he knew it was the right choice. Speaking out loud to Roxana had done something to him. Had made him see things, he didn’t see before. Or didn’t want to see.

He could hear Roxana in the distance as he left his body to fend for itself.

“Your Majesty!” She was shaking him to wake him up but he would have to leave her for a while. Or perhaps much longer depending on which state he found Skender in.

Roxana had called for help and they took his body to his chambers. She stayed with him like she promised. Now he could feel less worried and focus on Skender.

It took him a while to find Skender. The man had gone to a dark place just like he feared. The place that even he, the destroyer avoided because of the pain.

Skender went back and forth between being drowned, chained, tortured, and burying his parents and Ramona. It had become a vicious cycle of painful memories.

God, he hated that scream. The pain from when he was numbed. He couldn’t feel it right now because Skender was the one that carried those emotions. The heartache. Because without Skender, the destroyer had no heart that could hurt.

The demon came with instinct and the man came with the mind and heart. Together, both had all. Alone, they were missing parts.

Roxana wanted a whole man. She especially wanted the heart and mind that he didn’t have when was torn apart. She wanted to be loved and he couldn’t love her without a heart. As a demon without the man, he could only follow his urges and instincts. The instinct and urge to protect her and make her his. There wasn’t much else he could offer. No intellectual conversations, no understanding, no emotional support, and many other things that required complexity. Alone, he was simply one thing. He had already known that. He knew he needed Skender but being alone with Roxana, he was more convinced.

He had felt empty and helpless while alone with her. There was this itch where he knew he had to give more, that he could give more but he had left that part of himself behind. He could suddenly not speak to her like when he was whole. He couldn’t feel these other emotions for her like when he was whole. God, even kissing her didn’t feel the same when he wasn’t whole. It felt like something was lacking.

Yes, emotions. Stupid, useless emotions that caused nothing but pain but they had also made him happy when he was with Roxana. Emotions that he could not have or feel without Skender. Without his other half.

Skender’s scream stopped in the background and now he came home to the dead bodies of his parents. He didn’t scream or even cry. He just went to dig two graves. He buried them and then went back home just to find Ramona’s dead body this time. He buried her as well then went back home. Again his parent’s dead bodies were there. With a sigh, he decided to do the work all over again.

“Skender!”

He was stained with blood and mud and his hair and clothes were soaked. It was a rainy day when he got chained and tortured but also when he buried both his parents and Ramona.

He turned his head where they stood in the dark hall. “What are you doing here?” He asked.

“I came to take you back.”

“Where?”

“The real world.”

Skender looked at the dead bodies with a frown.

“Those are not real. You already buried your parents. You wanted to remember and I let you. Now you are stuck here but… I need you to come back with me.” The destroyer said with urgency.

“Why? If I am stuck, this is your chance.” He told him.

“Don’t be smart with me. You already knew I never had a chance.” He snapped.

Skender turned around completely. He raised one brow. “Which I told you, but did you listen?” He held his arms open with his palms facing up like as when someone asked a question they already knew the answer to. Dropping his arms, stepped over his parent’s dead bodies and went to sit in the armchair with a sigh. He leaned back and rested one leg over the other.

“I need you to come back with me.” The destroyer said.

Skender tilted his head. “I can’t hear you.”

The destroyer tried to remain calm. “I need you to come back with me.”

“You need me?” He asked amused. “The almighty destroyer needs… ME?”

The destroyer tried to remain calm. He wasn’t angry because he was admitting to needing him since he came to the conclusion that they were part of each other. They were the same. But he didn’t like to be mocked.

“Yes.”

Skender chuckled darkly. “Why should I come with you? You probably caused chaos that you expect me to clean up. “

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“I did cause some chaos but it is nothing close to what you think. I was able to hold back.”

“Oh really?”

“I killed no one.”

“Oh my,” Skender said eyes widening with pretentious surprise. “I am impressed.” He clapped. “Alright then. Who did you torture?”

“No one.”

“No one?” He called looking baffled. Well, he was still pretending. “What happened? Did you lose your powers? Did you become crippled?”

The man lost his mind.

“Oh come on. Don’t tell me you hurt no one when you finally had the chance? Or does whatever you did not count as hurting in your language?”

“I never said I didn’t hurt anyone. I might have.”

“Hmm…” Skender nodded.

“Listen…” he began unsure of how to explain himself.

“I am listening, but I don’t have much time. I don’t want the bodies to rot here and my grandma will be here soon to drown me. You know… my daily routine.”

The destroyer frowned. He remembered that day, feeling the pain of drowning and not being able to save them. He was still a child demon. More afraid than angry. So he only tried the first time and then he escaped. He let Skender fend for himself.

“Does it not mean something to you? I killed no one. I was able to control myself. I was able to listen for a while even when I was fuming with anger. When I wanted to burn down that world.” He raged getting carried away again. He took a deep breath to calm down and continued. “I was able to control my urges and think of the other person. I shouldn’t be able to. Not without you but… I learned. From you.”

Skender narrowed his eyes. “Then… now that you learned… you don’t need me.”

“No! That is not what I meant. Being united with you taught me those things. You make me able to think and feel, able to give and not just take. You make me able to express my desires and control my urges.”

Skender just looked at him, his expression revealing nothing. Was he really going to make him continue? Maybe he made a mistake of thinking to unite with him.

“You think I am selfish now.”

“Well, I am glad you realized it.”

“That is because I am not complete. I can’t be selfless. I need a heart for that.”

“So you were just saying that you need me in other words?” He looked at him dumbfounded.

He just made him talk all this nonsense for nothing?

“Alright,” he said standing up. “Now that you are done, I need to get back to work.”

“I confused her.” The destroyer exclaimed.

“It’s nothing new. Don’t worry.” Skender said as he went to grab his mother’s arms and began to drag her body across the floor. “You and I together already confused her so many times. Since we can’t cooperate and agree on one decision, we already confused her going back and forth.”

“She said she wanted to be loved.”

Skender paused and an eerie silence fell before the rumbling sound of thunder ecoed outside.

“I can’t love her, but you do.” The destroyer said.

Skender remained still and silent for a while but then he continued to drag his mother’s body. This time faster.

They went outside in the rain and he began to dig a grave.

“And now that I realized, you can’t blame anything on me anymore. It is not just instinct anymore. You love her and I know because without you… that feeling was missing.”

Skender ignored him and focused on digging his mother’s grave. Rain poured over them and the destroyer took notice of Skender’s bleeding wrists. He wasn’t healing without him.

“You need me to heal. I will help you heal.” The destroyer told him, but then he realized that was not the kind of healing Skender needed.

“You are not useless.” He suddenly said. “Not if your mate needs you. Not if the people of your kingdom need you. Those stupid demon lords, who are actually the useless ones, need you too. Even the smart little boy needs you. I need you.”

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He faltered a little as he shoveled but continued as if nothing was said. He couldn’t be ignoring him after all that was said. Did he lose him? Was he going to live feeling empty now?

Skender stopped shoveling and rested his arms on the standing shovel. He looked at him with hollow eyes. “I like it here. This pain is not new or frightening anymore. I got used to it.”

No! He fell into the safe and familiar environment of a home. How could pain become his home?

“Go back. You have my blessing.” He said.

“I will end up killing people.” He tried to make him worry.

“People die every day. It is not my job to save them since… I am not a defender. Now that we are separate. You are the cursed defender.”

“That is not…” He tried to think. He knew the answer. “That is not right. I hold the defending powers that come with being a demon but not necessarily the other qualities. A defender is not only made by one thing. You and I, a strong mind, heart, and instinct are needed to defend. A strong body, to contain and control the demon powers. All of you and me, all of us is what makes us a defender.”

Skender frowned, his eyes glistening with emotions again. He must have felt the surge of power between them. They were partly united now by something bigger than themselves. They had always been perhaps. No one could separate them because they were born as one.

“You are suddenly sensible without me.” He said with a light tone.

“We are in the mind.” This thinking really made one talk a lot and now that he spoke of birth he looked at… his mother. She had disowned him so he couldn’t care. Whatever feelings he had to avenge them had to do with Skender. He wanted Skender to have his revenge because there was one thing he didn’t know yet.

He didn’t know who truly killed his parents.

“Are you coming back with me then?”

“Are you willing to become a defender?”

“You know I can’t.”

“So you were talking nonsense just now?” He asked.

“I was explaining. I am cursed!”

“WE are cursed.” He corrected. “You are asking me to change but you are not even willing to try.” As if losing hope again, he went back to shovel.

The destroyer took a deep breath and then exhaled. “You are right. When we become one, truly become one, then your desires will be mine.”

Skender shoved the shovel into the ground and looked at him with a firm gaze. “Now it sounds more… right,” Skender said and the destroyer sighed with relief. “I have to say you are predictable. I knew you would come looking for me.”

What?

“How?”

“I know what it feels like when a part of you is missing.” He shrugged.

“So you just let me talk like a fool.” He felt his anger rise again.

Skender chuckled. “No. I thought you would be a fool when you came looking for me and I decided to deny you but… you convinced me. You are already changing.” He nodded thoughtfully. “Your mate is good for you.”

His change didn’t happen within a night. He had been changing long before. When he was one with Skender.

“I am changing because you are. She is good for us and she is your mate too. Ours. Nevermind. Can we unite so I don’t have to talk like this?”

“To yourself you mean?” Skender was amused. “But I am beginning to like it.”

As his mood changed so did the weather. The clouds opened like curtains revealing a bright blue sky with the faint golden sun rays of spring.

The destroyer looked at Skender feeling a bit worried. “There are still cloudy days ahead.” He told him.

“Well, we are bound to pain and darkness.” He turned to look to his left. At the distance, his grandmother was on her way despite the sunny day. “We didn’t need to be cursed. Our gift is also our curse.”

“Then I guess, sometimes we defend and sometimes we destroy.” He began fuming with anger now as he watched the grandmother approach them.

“Or we could just get back?”

Huh?

Right, this wasn’t real.

“Let’s go back.”