Hessian Does A Thing - Volume 1 Chapter 1 The T Pose

Hessian was never a good example of what a person should be in their life. Underneath the cover of his warm blanket, he continued to softly snore. Next to him lay his old hp laptop that he never replaced, since he always felt like it would be too much work to reinstall all his junk. Judging from the…. questionable stains on the surface of it’s cover; he was obviously too lazy to properly clean it.

Hessian let out a soft sneeze. Perhaps someone was badmouthing him? He groaned as he slowly slunk off his queen sized bed. His eyes felt irritatingly crusty as he stepped out from his smelly room and towards the restroom. He relieved himself of his morning issues; however once he made to flush he discovered an issue, his toilet wasn’t working.

“Uggghhh” he groaned again as he made to check what was wrong with it. Unfortunately for him, as a waste of human space; he had no idea how to fix anything.

“welp” he shrugged it off and made for his sink. Turning the handle whilst expecting the recognizable sound of running water to come pouring down, he froze; nothing was happening.

“Well.. that explains the toilet” he murmured

‘Great! either the pipes are busted or something’s wrong with the water.’ he sarcastically thought to himself as he made his way back to his surprisingly well kept room despite still smelling badly. His ceiling fan that he always left on, spun while he grabbed his water bottle to wash his face.

‘Well, atleast I still have the internet’ he thought as he made his way back to his bed to do what he does every day. Watch anime, read light novels/fanfics, and occasionally leave music on with his earphones while he continued to nap with his face underneath a pillow. But first things first, masturbate. He kicked off his boxers, laid down with his laptop ontop of a wood board on his chest, propped his head on 2 pillows and prepared to relax.

That is until the power cut off along with his internet.

“NOOOOOOOOOO!!!” he yelled for the first time in awhile and panicked. He would normally check the circuit breaker box but he knew that wasn’t the problem. His power had been cut off since he hadn’t paid his bills in the last 4 months.

Obviously because he’s been jobless for the past 2 years while living alone. All his funds were gone as he had let himself rot in his apartment for the last 2 years surviving on cup noodles.

“Well, might aswell try it now” he said out loud, but obviously it was to himself. He stood up with burning resolve in his eyes. His left man-boob which was oddly always larger than his right, jiggled as he stepped out of his room. He resolutely marched towards the door that led outside of his house. It would be a lie to say he wasn’t nervous. He hadn’t stepped outside in a year since he went to supply himself with a years worth of cup noodles.

So with a heavy heart, Hessian boldly turned the knob that would connect back to the outside world once again. The rays of the sun bathed his body in a warmth he had not felt in a long time. But he would not falter, so he stepped out into the day.

“Mommy why is that man n.a.k.e.d?” he didn’t think it would be important to grab his clothes considering what he was planning.

He took one last look at the sky, basking in the light and natural wind. Straightening his body to perfection as his fat jiggles came to a halt. With his eyes still locked towards the sky, Hessian slowly raised his two arms in perfect sync.

The moment the arms reached the perfect 90 degrees, the world seemed to halt. The sound of reality ripping itself apart could be heard around the world. Wars were forced to stop as judgement day seemed to come. People around the world trembled in fear as the heavens seemed to have been angered.

On that day, Hessian was killed by the universe itself for his perfect T-pose.

The first thing Hessian saw was white. No really, the room he woke up in had the words ‘WHITE’ plastered on the ceiling in large white letters.

“Well this is tacky” he commented as he surveyed the room

Besides the ceiling, the rest of the room looked out of place. As if the person wasn’t sure of what kind of theme they wanted to go for. Next to a dusty old grandfather clock was a futuristic looking gaming station with holograms for screens. The red curtains to the side of it looked like it belonged to a medieval castle. On the other side of the room, a crackling fireplace was placed right below an oversized flatscreen T.V.

“Everyone’s a critic” a random voice said causing Hessian to turn around. He was greeted by a dapper gentlemen in a suit and monacle. The only thing off about him was his mohawk-styled hair.

“Welcome, I’m sure you’re wonderi-”

“Denial of nothingness” Hessian immediately interrupted and with a wave of his hand a portal came out of nowhere in the room, shocking the random R.O.B.

“Wait how did you-” he was unable to finish his question as Hessian casually stepped through the portal to god knows where, leaving the godlike entity alone dumbfounded.

Fuyuki city. A fictional place where heroes of justice, heroic spirits, and magi occasionally pop up. Recently a large part of the city burnt down with only one survivor. But that’s not what this story is about. No this story is on the other side of the city; within a small house that seemingly popped into existence, yet many people believed it was always there. As if some divine entity placed it there and just left for vacation.

Within that average looking home, a seven year old boy focused on a random letter addressed to him.

To Hessian

You still had two wishes left, but you left too soon. I still don’t know how it was possible for you to leave on your own! But that’s besides the point; since you wished for denial of nothingness, I decided to just use your other 2 wishes to give you the second and third magic as well.

If you are dissatisfied with that, then too bad. You should have waited for me to finish instead of rudely walking out on me. Anyway this house is yours, your identification papers are on the table. Good luck in you’re new life.

From ROB

P.S. You know Japanese now. You’re welcome

Honestly he couldn’t care less about the other two wishes. His plan was to force the universe to kill him with his perfect T-Pose, get isekai’d and use his wish on denial of nothingness, and then use that to be able to pay whatever bills his new life required. It went off perfectly without a hitch!

He had made a mistake. A horrible mistake in his planning. He didn’t account for the world being behind on anime and games.

“I’M A FOOL!!!” the seven year old Hessian cried out as he was facing the consequences of his actions.

The reason for his current dilemma is that the current date is 1994. The 5th grail war was in 2004, so even if he waited 10 years. The world of gaming and anime would still be under-developed.

“Maybe i can fix this..” he muttered as he sent his brain into overdrive to find a solution.

Even if he were to just create a futuristic computer, it still wouldn’t solve the issue. Perhaps he could use the kaleidoscope? Can he connect his wifi and T.V to the multiverse for all the up to date content and crap that haven’t come out yet!? Perhaps his other forms of magic would come in handy after all. However how would he do that? He would have to learn how to first USE the kaleidoscope. Just because he has it, doesn’t mean he can properly implement it. Curses, it seems he would have to work for it.

Within a seemingly empty, black space. A single man on a chair shuddered. He could feel something. He could feel the walls between dimensions being probed. As if the entity causing the phenomenon was testing it. He immediately traced it back towards a familiar city he had seen all too often.

Fuyuki.

“Interesting” The old man grinned as he viewed a child that he had never seen before, focus on the boundaries of space.

The boy looked to be seven years old. His hair, a disheveled and messy black. His brown eyes seemed to be looking towards his direction. He looked like he was confused.

“Can he sense me?” The old man was truly intrigued. He had never seen this child in all the dimensions he had viewed. Whether it be an alternate timeline or an entirely different dimension; The boy simply did not exist. Which made him excited!

“I wonder what he’ll do”

For once in a long time, Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg had no idea what would happen.