Hessian Does A Thing - Volume 1 Chapter 58 Smacked Out Of The Sky Again

High above the sky, a grand battle between a goddess and monster lord was taking place. The goddess that was sporting a black eye, flapped her angel wings back as she kicked her opponent away from her. The purple skinned monster lord who was a lamia, wrapped her tail around the god’s feet before she could create distance and bashed her in the same eye with a headbutt. The battle raged on as they moved between multiple clouds until they separated to catch their breaths.

The two women were panting hard, but they were more concerned about kicking the other’s ass in this over the top cat fight. It was then that a portal appeared next to the goddess startling her. A young magician stepped out of the portal, but before he could even look around. The goddess reflexively smacked the newcomer down towards the earth, before he could even say a word.

“THE FUUUUUUCK!?” Hessian’s indignant shout was heard across the sky as he hurtled towards the ground like a meteorite.

This is the second time I’ve been smacked out of the sky. The first time I could understand since I was basically asking for it. But this time, I didn’t even do anything! If onyx didn’t soften the blow, my physical body might have turned into paste from that smack. If I see that bitch again, I’m gonna give her a piece of my mind!

Standing up from the giant crater that was created from my landing, I took a look around and found that I was surrounded by nature consisting of a forest, grassy plains, a dead body, some boulders… Oh a dead body. Poor kid, either he was dead before I crashed or he died from my crash. RIP…. I think I should at least bury the kid just in case, least I could do if I actually did kill him from my landing.

I dug a deep hole using a super shovel through magic. Dropped the corpse, poor kid looks like he’s only 16 at most. I don’t know who you are kid, but rest easy. Alright I’m over it, now to get back to business.

“Onyx, where am I?” I ask just in case there was wifi on the planet, that he could connect to.

[No signs of the internet on this planet.] he responded

“Welp, guess I’m traveling the old fashion way” I sigh as I get ready to walk into a random direction.

[High velocity entity heading towards the area] Onyx informed

“Where?” I ask as another person landed in the ground that I just fixed up.

“Huh, well what are the odds of that?” I comment while checking out the unconscious person in the newly made crater.

Let’s see, pale skin, white/silver hair, a red snake tail. Oh she’s a lamia, I remember dissecting one back when I was still doing the singularities. Good times, I wonder if she knows the area. Before I could contemplate fondling her tits as she sleeps, her eyes snap open as she looks at me.

“Sup, you good there?” I ask as we blankly stare at each other for a moment.

I ignored the snake tail, coiling around me as she lifted me up to her.

“Where am I?” she demanded

“I dunno, I was sort of smacked out of the sky by that overpowered bitch too.” I remind her since I remembered seeing her before I got sent to the earth. “Also, I was kind of hoping you would know where we were.”

She seemed to sigh as she held her head with folded arms. “Damn that woman. Such crazy strength.” She tsked with her snake tongue. After a moment she looked back down to me.

“How are you still alive? I remember you took a direct hit, if that didn’t kill you then the fall should have.” She narrowed her eyes as she tightened her hold on me.

I give a non-committal shrug “I dunno, maybe I’m just awesome like that?” I give my patented grin

“I’ve decided, you’re just an idiot then.” she says as she drops me to the ground.

“Back on the subject, do you know where we are?”

“If I had known, then why would I have needed to ask you?” she looked at me like I was an idiot. True enough I guess, she did ask me earlier.

“Well then, guess I’m back to walking a random direction.” I sigh “Before I go, you alright? I could heal you before I go.” I offer, I feel a kindred spirit with another person who was also smacked out of the sky.

“Am I alright?” She blinked at the question before looking at me again. She thoughtfully hummed as she scrutinized me. “You smell delicious, it doesn’t seem you’ve been baptized yet.”

“Yo, I’m not religious so baptisms aren’t my thing.” I say, actually now that I think about it…. I’m technically married to two gods at the moment. I wonder how Eresh and Tiamat would feel if I asked to make a religion about them. “So what’s this about baptisms?”

“Really? You don’t even know that?” the Lamia stared incredulously at me like I grew a second head, I can’t help it if I’m ignorant of another world! “Illias’s baptism, it occurs every year on her birthday.” She continued to explain how at a certain age, people would go to the temple of Illias to receive the blessing of this god to become ‘heroes’. I snorted at that

“What are you laughing at?” She became ticked that my laughter interrupted her explanation.

“It’s just….hahahahaha! It just sounds like the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of!” I can’t help it, I used to be around real heroes all the time. So of course this would be funny to me. She seemed to smile at my ridicule of the event.

“Indeed, it truly is such a foolish thing.” she snorted.

“Anyway, was nice meeting you.” I give a wave as I walk in a random direction. It didn’t take long but then I heard the sound of movement behind me. I turn my head and deadpan at her.

“I can go where I wish and also have no destination in mind, do you have a problem with that?” she glared at me. I bet it’s because she’s just lost as well.

“Fine, but if were going the same direction. Name’s Hessian Aversis Von Schweinorg.” I introduced

“Alipheese Fateburn” She announced in a way that reminded me of the nobles I’ve met

“But you may call me Alice.”

“Is that a slime girl?” Hessian asked with a head tilt

“Yes, why are you acting like you’ve never seen a monster before?” Alice raised a brow at the young magician’s ignorance. She was eating food made by him since she got hungry.

“I’ve just never seen such a feminine slime before.” Hessian admitted as he examined the slime girl who had curves in… well everywhere. He also noticed that Alice took the chance to hide in the distance the moment the slime heard him.

“Aww, you’re going to make me blush cutie.” the slime girl giggled as she seemed to slide over the ground. “I’m gonna have so much fun eating you up.”

“Oh, well I don’t think I’m that edible.” he retorted

“I’ll be the judge of that, now let me eat your s.e.m.e.n!” the slime girl exclaimed as she began moving towards him

Hessian stared incredulously at the slime girl as he processed what was just said. A non-existent light bulb flickered on above his head in enlightenment.

“Ohh, so it’s that kind of world.” Hessian spoke in understanding as he threw his haori behind him. “ONYX! WATCH MY CLOTHES! I’M GOING IN!” he spoke with utmost seriousness as he dived towards the slime girl in his birthday suit.

[Master Hessian, Lady Ereshkigal will not be happy about this.] Onyx reminded but Hessian believed it to be worth it.