His Own - Chapter 10：Doubts

Dawn couldn’t have come sooner for Rosalind. She could hardly sleep during the night, filled with anxiety and nervousness. She tossed and turned in her bed, willing herself to get even an hour’s rest, unsure of when she’ll be able to get a comfortable bed again.

But sleep deserted her that night. The sounds of the night felt like they were bidding her adue, the house creaked and groaned and the insects of the night sang a softer lullaby.

Unable to fall asleep, Rosalind sat up from her bed and stared out her window into her beloved garden. The fireflies twinkled like stars and the breeze brought calm with it.

She began to second guess herself. Her grandfather’s words rung in her ear.

“It’s so peaceful here? Are you sure you want to leave this sanctuary, your home, for people you don’t really know? They may not care if you’re there to help. They will leave you once you lose your use.”

Grandfather is right, in some ways. She did not know who she might meet, how they’ll treat her or if she’ll even be taken seriously. But just having the option to choose whether she wanted to go or not is a privilege not given to most.

Everyday since Titus left, she would visit homes where the news of their sons’ demise were brought. They didn’t have the luxury of having a body to bury either, only some possessions.

Some return severly injured. Injuries she knew how to take care of before they render the person immobile. The guilt ate at her everyday, every moment she was awake and every time she closed her eyes.

By the time they return, their injuries have gotten so bad, there was hardly a chance of survival. Those that survived either became paralysed, lost the use of their limbs and more than half of them have already committed suicide.

There was nothing Rosalind could do at that point except to help them get comfortable but every family member and local doctors as well as nurses could take care of that.

“Our doctors do what they can.” One of the men she visited answered when she asked about them, she had been looking after him for a while and they became fast friends. “But we are low on supplies and rations. Everything has to be used sparingly. We didn’t expect this to last this long.”

He gave a soft smile, “For most of us, seeing our families safe is all that’s keeping us going. But even that isn’t enough to comfort us anymore. When you’re in the battle you can’t see the positive side to things, even the sky is dark and brooding.”

“You can rest now.” Rosalind tried to reassure him.

“Don’t you feel better now, knowing you helped keep this place and may others safe?”

“I do. It warms my heart to see how happy everyone is. But what now?”

“What do you mean?”

“What’s there left for me now? I can’t use my legs anymore, I was strong. . . Now I need help to even take a dump!” He threw the contents on the table beside his bed on the floor.

Rosalind could stared, dumbfounded. Her heart hurted for him.

“DON’T look at me like that!” He pointed his finger at her. “I can still do what I need to do, damnit !! I’m not useless!!! I heard that you trained in medicine by some of the best. WHERE were YOU then? Do you know how many people died because they couldn’t get proper treatment?!? WHERE WERE YOU?!”

Frightened, Rosalind stood up quickly, knocking the stool she sat on to the ground. The impact of the crash startled him so much, he fell from his bed, looking wildly around him and shouting “Whose there! Come out and fight!” He flailed his arms all around him, grabbing whatever he could and throwing it.

This brought the household to the room. They did all they could to hold him down, trying to not get hit by him.

Rosalind gave him an injection which pulled him to sleep. She talked to the family, “I – I’ll come see him tomorrow again. Take care of him until then, ok?”

With that she ran out the door.

The next day, she came the house again and was greeted with a body hanging from a tree. Though his face was completely discoloured and swollen, she could make out who it was.

He left a note for her and his lucky ring for her. He wrote, “It’s not much. A poor man does not have much to give the angel that took care of him tirelessly, night and day. I’m giving you this ring in hopes that it has collected enough misfortunes from me to be lucky for you. Ever since the death of my beloved, you’re the only one who had as much patience and understanding towards me as she did and I am so thankful for that. I am off to meet her now so don’t be sad. As long as I’m here I’ll only be a burden to everyone. I’m sorry for what happened yesterday. I hope you find it in yourself to forgive me.

I am forever thankful to you for everything.

You’re fiancé is a lucky man.

Until we meet again.

Confusion gave way to anger then to sadness. Rosalind cried her eyes out that day. The guilt kept piling up. His condition only became that bad because it was left untreated for so long, causing it to infect and destroy the nerves.

“If only they had more staffs, if only . . . I could have done something before it got this bad . . .”

She made a resolve that day but her grandfather forbid her from doing anything.

To be completely honest, if she hadn’t made the deal with Adriel, she might not have been so insistent in going either. She could not bring herself to disobey her grandfather and he made good points.

After the night with the boy, she realised how much she really didn’t know. Also, the right equipments won’t always be available, so what was she to do in those situations?

Sighing, she stared down at her hands, the moonlight illuminated everything around her. The blackened tips of her fingers serve as a reminder that she can’t really go back anymore.

The deed has been done and all that’s left to do is to make sure the chance she had gotten is not wasted.

She was fearful of what she planned to do. The silver of the moonlight reflected the silver streaks on her hair. Staring at the mirror beside her bed, she touched those streaks.

Deep breaths, deep breaths. It’s going to be ok.

On her table lay a note to her grandparents. She spent hours writing and rewriting it, hands shaking as she closed the letter and sealed it. She placed it on her table and there is still lay, it’s edges trembling as the wind blew, almost keeping up with the hammering in her chest.

It’s not too late to back down.

She sighed, “It is for me.”

With that, the darkness slowly lifted as the sun’s rays began to peek over the horizon.

A new day dawns.

She jumped out of her bed, and reached below. Pulling out a medium sized carry bag, she slung it over her shoulders and quietly walked towards the garden. Careful to not make a sound.

It’s a good thing your grandparents do not have the best hearing.

Adriel’s voice appeared just as Rosalind knocked over all the gardening tools.

“Yeah.” She nervously laughed.

Her heart still kept beating like drums made from cowskin. Walking to her orange tree, she took in deep breaths, trying to calm herself down.

Are you sure you want to do this, Rosalind?

“Yes.”

Ready?

One last inhale and exhale. No turning back now.

“Ready.”