I and My Husband Sleep in a Coffin - CH 63

Chapter 63 Happy dad

Bai Yu returned and repeated the story, looking at Wen Fengjin, who was reading a book with his legs crossed, and Wang Xiaomie, who was dressed in homewear and had a slightly astonished expression.

“What do you guys think?”

“…Yeah, that sounds good. You don’t have to worry about him trapping you if he truly knows your grandfather and has such a relationship with him.” After all, Bai Yu had nothing except himself. “But are you sure he’s telling the truth?” Xiaomie asked.

“I am sure,” Bai Yu nodded. “He told me a lot of things about my grandfather, many of which are consistent with my memories of him.”

Wang Xiaomie stroked his chin and said, “That’s great. What do you think, Xiao Wenzi?”

Bai Yu and Wang Xiaomie turned to look at Boss Wen with anticipation, hoping for some solid suggestion.

The book sank slightly, exposing Wen Fengqin’s long and narrow eyes, which were cool and disinterested as he nodded perfunctorily, “Mn.”

Bai Yu: “…”

Wang Xiaomie: “…What does ‘mn’ mean, you devil! I’m going to hammer you to death[1]!!”

Wen Feng sighed and threw the book on the coffee table, closing it with sharpened fingers.

“Yi Yan will not harm you.” Wen Fengjin looked at Bai Yu and suddenly half-smiled, “He teaches you, and you learn.”

What exactly did he mean?

Wang Xiaomie and Bai Yu were both perplexed. Just as they were about to ask Wen Fengjin again, Wen Fengjing stood up and walked around the sofa, but when he passed Wang Xiaomie, he stooped, pressed his lips close to Wang Xiaomie’s earlobe, and smiled: “Didn’t you see the flag on Yi Yan’s door before? Um? Little fool.”

The words ‘little fool’ were raspy and playful, like a piece of popping candy jumping about from the tip of the tongue. It made Wang Xiaomie cover his ears and blush for a long time. When he came back to his senses, Bai Yu, who had been forced to eat a mouthful of dog food, was staring at him with a sour expression, and the sound of Wen Fengjin’s footsteps had already faded upstairs.

“Ahem.” Wang Xiaomie blinked in embarrassment, “Don’t mention it. In any case, it makes no difference what we think. Even though Yi Yan is a weirdo, he has stated that he will not harm humans, and he appears to like you… F*ck! Why are you blushing?!”

“Hehehe,” two red clouds soared across Bai Yu’s dark face as he shook his head.

“I was scared you guys might disagree,” he explained.

“Why would we disagree?” Wang Xiaomie blinked again.

“Well… You see, you and Boss Wen obviously dislike Yi Yan, but we’re also pals, so…” Bai Yu scratched his head, “I shouldn’t get too close to him either.”

“Pfft!” Wang Xiaomie couldn’t hold back his laughter.

“Hahaha, do you think we’re a trio of high school girls?! Hahaha… Do you have to be unanimous and learn not to like something or someone if we don’t like it? Hahaha, you are too funny, Da Bai.”

Bai Yu: “…”

Wang Xiaomie held his stomach and laughed for a long time. Then he stood up and sat next to Bai Yu again, putting his hand on his shoulder and patting it. “Don’t overthink things and don’t worry about what other people think. If you like it, you like it; if you dislike it, you dislike it. Da Bai, just do what you think is right…”

Bai Yu bit his bottom lip and nodded heavily, his eyes somewhat red.

He thought it was fantastic to run across Wang Xiaomie and Wen Fengjin. It was so fantastic that he seemed to have endured a lifetime of ill luck for the sake of his current good fortune. He thought silently: I want to be BFFS with them!

Wang Xiaomie suddenly slapped his forehead: “Ah, that’s right!”

“Huh?” Bai Yu was still immersed in his own thoughts when the silly fufu[2] looked up.

Wang Xiaomie said earnestly, “I forgot to tell you something. Wen Fengjin and I are planning to return to our burial ground.”

“Pfff cough cough!”

Bai Yu’s shock was so great, his jaw almost dropped to the ground, “What? What ground?!”

Wang Xiaomie: “The burial ground.”

Bai Yu’s brain crashed: “What burial?”

“…” Wang Xiaomie couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry, “You do know what a burial ground and a cemetery are?”

Bai Yu nodded dully.

When Wang Xiaomie beheld Bai Yu’s expression, his lips twitched. “It can’t be. You’ve been living with us for so long, and I’ve also told you that we sleep in a coffin, yet you still don’t know the true identity of Wen Fengjing and I?”

Of course not.

Bai Yu might not be the brightest cookie but he knew this much. Bai Yu tightened his fists and inquired eagerly, “…So you’re truly zombies, and you’re heading back to your cemetery soon. Then… Then will you come back?”

“We’ll come back.” Wang Xiaomie added, “It may take around a month, but we will definitely come back. I’ll bother you to look after the house this month. I’ll leave you some money so you can pay the electricity and water bills.”

“That’s good…” Bai Yu felt relieved. When he heard what Xiaomie said next, he waved his hand, “It’s fine, I’ll do it. Don’t worry, I’ll keep the house clean.”

Wang Xiaomie was relieved indeed. He and Bai Yu chatted about Yi Yan again and the myriad matters at home after they left.

They intended to buy a vehicle for their trip on the third day. After all, there had to be no direct public transportation to a remote location like the tomb palace. And men, well, they all like beautiful cars.

Wang Xiaomie had intended to acquire a stylish Land Rover or something similar. That was a car a man should drive.

But he didn’t purchase it. Not because he lacked funds. The money on their bank cards was enough to buy multiple cars, and it also wasn’t because the car salesmen didn’t sell them. After all, the automobile wasn’t a limited edition.

Rather, it was because Wen Fengjin——had the brilliant idea of bringing their coffin!

Wang Xiaomie: … Big Brother, exactly how much do you like this coffin? Tell me. Should I order 8 or 10 customized ones!?

Boss Wen stood motionless beside the coffin, his attitude firm, his handsome face frowning, and a faint look in his eyes.

“I’m taking it with me.”

Wang Xiaomie: “…”

Is it your wife or am I your wife?! F*ck! Why do I feel as if I’m not as important as a coffin? Could the coffin be Wen Fengjin’s main body?!

Wang Xiaomie stood still and silent. If Wen Fengjin’s main body is a coffin, wouldn’t I be sleeping in his stomach… F*ck me! My goosebumps are tingling!

“Boss, why do you want to take it with you? We’ll be there for just a month. Aren’t the scores of palaces and beds in the tomb palace enough for the two of us to sleep?!”

Boss Wen: “My shixiong and I have shared the bed[3] in this coffin for more than a thousand years.”

Wang Xiaomie: “…So the coffin is the third person[4] between us?”

Boss Wen: “…No.”

Wang Xiaomie: “Hehe!”

Kidney deficiency could sometimes be caused by an overwhelming desire to beat up someone[5]. Wang Xiaomie rubbed his brow. At the moment, his overwhelming ‘desire’ was to unleash a torrent of military boxing and Tai Chi skills on Wen Fengjin.

Bai Yu, who accompanied them to the car dealership, nearly peed his pants with laughter.

They ultimately decided on a white pickup truck.

Wang Xiaomie’s hands trembled as he paid the money, not because of the money, but because he felt sorry for himself, who wished to sleep on a bed. However, after purchasing it, Wang Xiaomie had another thought.

He didn’t have a driver’s license.

Wang Xiaomie: … Died laughing.

He didn’t think about the driver’s license earlier because he passed the test in university as Wang Xiaomie, and then he entirely forgot to change his identification these days, resulting in this blunder.

And it was next to impossible for Wen Fengjin to have a modern age driver’s license.

Bai Yu weakly raised his hand just as Wang Xiaomie was about to cry. “I have a driver’s license, I’ll drive you there. I can still pick you up when you return.”

Wang Xiaomie stared at Bai Yu’s dark face. He would have launched himself at Bai Yu and given him a bear hug, shouting, “My wonderful brother!” if Wen Fengjin hadn’t grabbed the back of his collar.

“Da Bai deserves to be called Da Bai! My sweet baby!”

Bai Yu puffed out his chest and laughed proudly.

The car was bought, and everything was arranged.

In the afternoon, the three of them set off for the tomb palace.

… … …

The wild, mountainous country was peaceful and uninhabited; the trees and weeds rustled, the damaged stone pavement showed indications of man-made repair, the nearby abandoned ruins had also been cleaned up, and there were still piles of sand and muck after cleaning up its debris. The little temple was still unfinished, but it had begun to take shape.

Wang Xiaomie remembered his past life as he looked at the stone road climbing right to the summit of the mountain. He’d traversed that long stone path step by step back then, carrying a man on his back, blood streaming from their bodies like rain. It was excruciatingly painful. Even remembering made some areas of his body ache dully.

That kind of never-ending agony and despair at not reaching his destination no matter how much further he staggered was crushing.

“Shixiong.”

Wang Xiaomie jolted back to his senses. Wen Fengjin bent his head and gazed at him, his large icy hand covering the left side of his face and his thumb tenderly caressing.

“It’s all in the past.”

“…Mn.” It’s all over now.

Wang Xiaomie smiled as he rubbed his side face against Wen Fengjin’s palm. He was reassured by the deep feelings in Wen Fengjin’s dark eyes and his ice-cold palm.

Bai Yu, who had been driving on and off for two days, yawned drowsily and narrowed his eyes as he followed them. When he opened his eyes again, he saw Wang Xiaomie and Boss Wen disappearing into the thick forest, hand in hand.

Boss Wen was still carrying a coffin in his other hand at the time.

Bai Yu remained motionless for a minute, contemplating: Am I watching my friends go hand in hand into the grave of love? One that comes with its own coffin?

Hmm…

It’s really romantic…

For some unknown reason, Wang Xiaomie’s heart unexpectedly welled up with the feeling that he had just returned to his hometown from his mother’s house[6] with husbando carrying a coffin(?) when he returned to the tomb palace.

Especially when the large blood lizard slobbering blood-like saliva, the giant human-faced tree mushrooms rolling and rumbling as they rushed forth, long-haired water ghosts, and the two “jellies” with transparent bodies and half their heads embedded in the walls of the tomb passage all rushed over from the tomb passage directly in front of him just as he stepped into the deep tomb passage…

That feeling was even stronger now – what the hell!!!

He would have turned around and fled if Wen Fengjin wasn’t leading him by the hand!

Wang Xiaomie burst into tears in his heart as he stared blankly at the army of creatures racing towards them. Do you think you are the little cuties who gather at the entrance and want to be hugged, kissed, and held high as soon as the door opens?

After being surrounded by everyone from Mu Yi to Mu Shi, the several large monsters joyfully circled around them, considerately picking up the packages and coffin in their hands.

Those happy looks were simply overkill.

Wen Fengjin, who was utterly indifferent to humans, showed a glimmer of joy on his handsome face when he saw them. “You’re all really good,” he nodded, his lips curving.

Mu Yi and the others were even happier, and they all stared expectantly at Wang Xiaomie with eager eyes.

Wang Xiaomie hesitated for a moment before nodding and saying, “Uh… you’re all good.”

Mu Yi and the others’ scarlet bean-like eyes all lit up instantly.

Wang Xiaomie: “…” For some strange reason, he kept having the feeling that he was a happy dad[7].

Footnotes:

[1] This is the literal translation, however the underlying meaning is WXM condemning WFJ for his perfunctory response. He means, “You’re just blowing us off with a ‘mn,’ you devil?! Give a proper answer!!”

[2] Hatsune Miku’s Muppets are called silly fufu because they look silly.

[3] fig. to get married. He’s saying it’s their marriage bed.

[4] the other woman/man.

[5] As CN readers are aware, excessive sex or masturbation causes kidney deficiency. TCM naturally lists other factors, but CN focus on overindulgence. WXM is likely joking that they have sex regularly, but it would be the result of his extreme “desire” to beat up WFJ.

[6] niáng jiā: refers to the home of a MARRIED woman’s parents.

[7] 喜当爹: This term is mainly used to mock the situation in which a man finally catches up with a goddess, but the goddess is pregnant with someone else’s kid, and the man has no choice but to take over.