I Don’t Want To Be An Ojakgyo - Chapter 149

Swanhaden seemed nervous as he frowned. Swan usually didn’t have drastic shifts in his expression so it wasn’t too obvious, but I had spent a while with him so I could tell the difference.

When I just stared at his face without a response, Swanhaden explained that white magic was generally used for treatments so he couldn’t read any of the small, embarrassing moments in my memories. He added that he generally read memories that caused a huge impact to my state or memories that were so everyday that it didn’t matter if it was read or not.

Seeing Swanhaden going out of his way to explain the situation so I wouldn’t get angry made me pat his shoulders in understanding.

I couldn’t explain why Swanhaden wanted to help so much because I forgot my stupid past, but I recognized that this was coming from a place of care and worry for me.

Seeing Swanhaden look guilty as he stared at the lake reminded me of something incredibly familiar. I always ended up being wary of Swanhaden when he was dealing with other people, but he always changed when it was just the two of us, so he felt strangely comfortable. This was the latter.

The peaceful atmosphere and the beautiful sight of the lake must’ve played a part in this. I relaxed and laid down on the grass.

“What kind of person were you before?”

Swanhaden held a long foxtail in his hand and twirled it around.

“You said you read my memories.”

“…..It was the memory with the most amount of pain, so I was tossed away from it.”

The foxtail in Swanhaden’s hands twirled up and down. He seemed more serious than usual.

“Mental treatment magic is only possible when the other party shares their core memories. Those who find their memories too painful to take out generally choose to have their memories read, but if the person is okay with it then then can just explain it verbally.”

Swanhaden briefly considered it before quietly beginning to speak. I was taken by surprise at the sudden conversation switch into mental treatment magic.

“You want to treat me? Sorry, but I’m fine.”

I grinned as I dragged a corner of my mouth up. Swanhaden smiled slightly at my words.”

“Honestly, the treatment is just an excuse. I trust that you’ll take good care of yourself. But, other than that….”

Swanhaden turned his head to look me in the eye. His multicolored eyes took on a beautiful hue as he looked at me.

“I want to feel the pain that you feel with you.”

Swanhaden’s smile was a bit sad as he said this. It could’ve sounded cringey, but he spoke with a calm, honest tone in his voice that showed how sincere he was. He wrapped my black hair, contrasting against his silver hair, in his hands and twirled it as he continued speaking.

“It’s my little bit of selfishness.”

If I had to find a positive side to Swanhaden, it had to be his unbeatable good looks and his honest personality. Swanhaden wasn’t the kind of person to embellish things to make others feel better, so I knew that what he was saying was truthful. Even if I didn’t know why he was doing this.

Until now, there had been something I had found weird but hadn’t thought too much of. Thinking back, Swanhaden always reacted negatively whenever I was hurt or injured.

There had been that time when I had sprained my ankle while I tried to grow taller, and when I had been under black magic. He was even more high-strung than my actual mom and dad.

I was feeling slightly lazy. The reddish sun was warm, and the softly blowing wind felt good.

“If it’s your selfishness, then why don’t you give it a go?”

Swanhaden’s eyes widened at my words.

If you fall asleep while I talk to you, I’m going to curse you. When I narrowed my eyes at him before I began to tell him my story, Swanhaden said that the chances of him doing that were less likely than Cory’s swirly handwriting becoming straight as a ruler. I laughed slightly as I began to speak.

There wasn’t even that much to explain much of. Everyone had their own trials and tribulations, and I felt like my problems were the same. I just summarized what had happened in my life.

Now that I thought about it as I said it out loud, my problems were so much smaller than the others’. Everyone tried their best to survive in their environment, everyone had to face the death of loved ones, and everyone had to give something up in their lives.

Even as I thought that, it still hurt when I remembered my past.

Honestly, there were a lot instances when I felt like I was going to be okay and I wasn’t. Putting aside my struggles, I was so, so anxious as I wondered what happened to my siblings after I had died.

In summary, I was anxious at the moment because I was nervous and sad about the past.

As I spoke, I ended up explaining all of my small and big emotions to Swanhaden. It was extremely embarrassing. We were friends, but he was still another person. I wondered what the hell I was telling him.

It was something that I had brought unto myself, but I suddenly regretted it. I felt like my emotions were laid bare. Kind of like I was naked on an ice rink with the spotlights on me.

“Compared to the amount of hurt I felt before, you’re really casual about your past.”

Swanhaden muttered quietly after he finished listening. He looked slightly anxious as he frowned.

“Honestly, it’s hard to be upbeat when I speak, so I always end up speaking awkwardly when I’m talking to you.”

“You can speak however you like.”

Swanhaden handed me the book he had been using for shade and showed me a section of it, explaining that it was something that he had just read. It seemed like it hadn’t been just for decoration.

“I wanted to give you advice or some comforting words that fit the situation perfectly, but it’s hard.”

“….are you sure you’re Swan?”

I hadn’t brought up the topic because I thought Swanhaden would fix it for me, after all. I had just gotten the courage to talk about this to make myself feel comfortable. I couldn’t help but laugh when he listened and felt responsible for it. I was grateful that he was thinking of me and my feelings so much.

When I smiled and tapped his side jokingly, he stretched his hand towards me without a single change in expression.

“Let’s go see.”

“What? See what?”

“If you’re scared, I’ll stay with you.”

I could guess what Swanhaden was talking about. No way, was he saying that we should go see what happened after I died?

“Your siblings. Don’t you want to go and give them a hug?”

Swanhaden shot me a pretty cool smile. Then, he wiped the smile off of his face and went back to his default expressionless face before he began drawing a large magic circle. Last time, when I had been unable to get out of my dreams, it looked like the magic circle that Swanhaden had drawn to get me out of there.

Before he drew the circle, he broke the magic restraint bracelets on his wrist with his strength.

Once Swan was filled with magic, he continued drawing the circle and turned his head towards me, gesturing. Swan’s head was directed towards the gifts that I had gotten for my younger siblings.

“Grab your presents. But I can’t stay there for long.”

He was drawing a teleportation circle.

I held Swanhaden’s hand as we walked through a road of darkness.

Only darkness seemed to exist in this place, so I couldn’t see Swanhaden’s face. So we had chosen to hold hands to make sure we didn’t lose each other. Over there, where the light was coming in, would be where my past life would be. The one I’d been watching again over and over and over again.

Before, when I had fallen into that dream, I had crossed a path of darkness like this, but I had been floating back then. It felt weird for me to walk down this road with Swanhaden by my side.

When I swallowed my saliva because of my nervousness, Swanhaden held my hand a bit tighter. My hands began to get sweaty, so I felt sorry to Swan.

“It’s damp, right? Sorry, I’m just a bit nervous.”

Instead of verbally responding, Swanhaden changed his hand’s position and instead laced his fingers with mine. He didn’t respond, but seeing his reaction made me think that he didn’t care too much about it. If it was me, I would’ve let go because of how uncomfortable I would’ve been.

Swanhaden’s hand was cool, so it felt like his hand was taking the heat away from my hand. Swan felt comforting and reassuring like this, so I locked my fingers back. He flinched slightly.

I seriously lucked out. Swanhaden quietly, really quietly, muttered to himself as he continued to walk with my hand in his.

I felt like I had misheard it, so I looked towards Swan. But the only thing I could see was complete darkness.

Swanhaden and I held hands and walked towards the bright light at the end of the darkness. When the bright light shone into my eyes, I squinted my eyes and stood there because of the light. I was immediately transported somewhere else.

Once I was used to the light, I opened my eyes to check my surroundings. I had been moved to the park in front of my home.

As soon as we arrived, Swanhaden stumbled harshly on the ground. But when I looked towards him, he stood up straight as if nothing had happened.

People would be surprised if Swanhaden and I suddenly popped out of nowhere so we chose a decently empty location that was close enough to my siblings. It was currently sunset, so thankfully the place was pretty deserted right now.

My heart beat frantically in my chest. My feet were on the ground that I had never thought I would step on again, and my lungs were breathing in the polluted air that I had strangely missed a lot, and my eyes were taking in the sights that I thought I would never see again.

“Are your siblings nearby?”

Swanhaden asked, frowning. I nodded.

I looked from left to right to look for my siblings.

I didn’t want to see what had happened immediately after I died, so I purposefully chose to visit a year later. I felt like a year was enough time for them to have accepted it somewhat.

Of course, acknowledging the death of someone and forgetting them was too much for a single year, but this was something that I had decided by myself. I didn’t know I was such a coward, either.

Just like I always did when I was faced with a situation, I thought about the millions of ways this could go wrong. First, I thought about the possibility that Se-yoo went astray and abandoned Semi and Yehwan. Another possibility where Semi and Yehwan couldn’t deal with their emotional scars and went astray and gave Se-yoo a hard time. The possibility where all three of them just decided to live their life however they wanted, leaving my entire family gone.

My heart felt quieter, but it was still beating quickly in my chest. I couldn’t seem to think of any positive scenarios. The amount of time it took for us to recover from our parents’ deaths had been long, after all. Yehwan was mature and was able to distance himself from the pain somewhat, but Se-yoo and Semi had an incredibly hard time with it.

Was it right for me to see what happened after? I found myself biting my nails as I worried. The excitement that I felt about seeing them again soon turned into worry. My emotions felt unstable.

Swanhaden didn’t let go of my hand even after he arrived.

Swanhaden, who had been staring intensely at my face rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb as he spoke.

“If you’re worried about your siblings acting out, do you want me to use some mind spells on them?”

My mind zapped back to normal at Swanhaden’s words.

How in the world could he say such incredible things as he gave me such a gentle smile?

Swanhaden seemed nervous as he frowned. Swan usually didn’t have drastic shifts in his expression so it wasn’t too obvious, but I had spent a while with him so I could tell the difference.

When I just stared at his face without a response, Swanhaden explained that white magic was generally used for treatments so he couldn’t read any of the small, embarrassing moments in my memories. He added that he generally read memories that caused a huge impact to my state or memories that were so everyday that it didn’t matter if it was read or not.

Seeing Swanhaden going out of his way to explain the situation so I wouldn’t get angry made me pat his shoulders in understanding.

I couldn’t explain why Swanhaden wanted to help so much because I forgot my stupid past, but I recognized that this was coming from a place of care and worry for me.

Seeing Swanhaden look guilty as he stared at the lake reminded me of something incredibly familiar. I always ended up being wary of Swanhaden when he was dealing with other people, but he always changed when it was just the two of us, so he felt strangely comfortable. This was the latter.

The peaceful atmosphere and the beautiful sight of the lake must’ve played a part in this. I relaxed and laid down on the grass.

“What kind of person were you before?”

Swanhaden held a long foxtail in his hand and twirled it around.

“You said you read my memories.”“…..It was the memory with the most amount of pain, so I was tossed away from it.”

The foxtail in Swanhaden’s hands twirled up and down. He seemed more serious than usual.

“Mental treatment magic is only possible when the other party shares their core memories. Those who find their memories too painful to take out generally choose to have their memories read, but if the person is okay with it then then can just explain it verbally.”

Swanhaden briefly considered it before quietly beginning to speak. I was taken by surprise at the sudden conversation switch into mental treatment magic.

“You want to treat me? Sorry, but I’m fine.”

I grinned as I dragged a corner of my mouth up. Swanhaden smiled slightly at my words.”

“Honestly, the treatment is just an excuse. I trust that you’ll take good care of yourself. But, other than that….”

Swanhaden turned his head to look me in the eye. His multicolored eyes took on a beautiful hue as he looked at me.

“I want to feel the pain that you feel with you.”

Swanhaden’s smile was a bit sad as he said this. It could’ve sounded cringey, but he spoke with a calm, honest tone in his voice that showed how sincere he was. He wrapped my black hair, contrasting against his silver hair, in his hands and twirled it as he continued speaking.

“It’s my little bit of selfishness.”

If I had to find a positive side to Swanhaden, it had to be his unbeatable good looks and his honest personality. Swanhaden wasn’t the kind of person to embellish things to make others feel better, so I knew that what he was saying was truthful. Even if I didn’t know why he was doing this.

Until now, there had been something I had found weird but hadn’t thought too much of. Thinking back, Swanhaden always reacted negatively whenever I was hurt or injured.

There had been that time when I had sprained my ankle while I tried to grow taller, and when I had been under black magic. He was even more high-strung than my actual mom and dad.

I was feeling slightly lazy. The reddish sun was warm, and the softly blowing wind felt good.

“If it’s your selfishness, then why don’t you give it a go?”

Swanhaden’s eyes widened at my words.

If you fall asleep while I talk to you, I’m going to curse you. When I narrowed my eyes at him before I began to tell him my story, Swanhaden said that the chances of him doing that were less likely than Cory’s swirly handwriting becoming straight as a ruler. I laughed slightly as I began to speak.

There wasn’t even that much to explain much of. Everyone had their own trials and tribulations, and I felt like my problems were the same. I just summarized what had happened in my life.

Now that I thought about it as I said it out loud, my problems were so much smaller than the others’. Everyone tried their best to survive in their environment, everyone had to face the death of loved ones, and everyone had to give something up in their lives.

Even as I thought that, it still hurt when I remembered my past.

Honestly, there were a lot instances when I felt like I was going to be okay and I wasn’t. Putting aside my struggles, I was so, so anxious as I wondered what happened to my siblings after I had died.

In summary, I was anxious at the moment because I was nervous and sad about the past.

As I spoke, I ended up explaining all of my small and big emotions to Swanhaden. It was extremely embarrassing. We were friends, but he was still another person. I wondered what the hell I was telling him.

It was something that I had brought unto myself, but I suddenly regretted it. I felt like my emotions were laid bare. Kind of like I was naked on an ice rink with the spotlights on me.

“Compared to the amount of hurt I felt before, you’re really casual about your past.”

Swanhaden muttered quietly after he finished listening. He looked slightly anxious as he frowned.

“Honestly, it’s hard to be upbeat when I speak, so I always end up speaking awkwardly when I’m talking to you.”“You can speak however you like.”

Swanhaden handed me the book he had been using for shade and showed me a section of it, explaining that it was something that he had just read. It seemed like it hadn’t been just for decoration.

“I wanted to give you advice or some comforting words that fit the situation perfectly, but it’s hard.”“….are you sure you’re Swan?”

I hadn’t brought up the topic because I thought Swanhaden would fix it for me, after all. I had just gotten the courage to talk about this to make myself feel comfortable. I couldn’t help but laugh when he listened and felt responsible for it. I was grateful that he was thinking of me and my feelings so much.

When I smiled and tapped his side jokingly, he stretched his hand towards me without a single change in expression.

“Let’s go see.”

“What? See what?”

I could guess what Swanhaden was talking about. No way, was he saying that we should go see what happened after I died?

“Your siblings. Don’t you want to go and give them a hug?”

Swanhaden shot me a pretty cool smile. Then, he wiped the smile off of his face and went back to his default expressionless face before he began drawing a large magic circle. Last time, when I had been unable to get out of my dreams, it looked like the magic circle that Swanhaden had drawn to get me out of there.

Before he drew the circle, he broke the magic restraint bracelets on his wrist with his strength.

Once Swan was filled with magic, he continued drawing the circle and turned his head towards me, gesturing. Swan’s head was directed towards the gifts that I had gotten for my younger siblings.

“Grab your presents. But I can’t stay there for long.”

He was drawing a teleportation circle.

I held Swanhaden’s hand as we walked through a road of darkness.

Only darkness seemed to exist in this place, so I couldn’t see Swanhaden’s face. So we had chosen to hold hands to make sure we didn’t lose each other. Over there, where the light was coming in, would be where my past life would be. The one I’d been watching again over and over and over again.

Before, when I had fallen into that dream, I had crossed a path of darkness like this, but I had been floating back then. It felt weird for me to walk down this road with Swanhaden by my side.

When I swallowed my saliva because of my nervousness, Swanhaden held my hand a bit tighter. My hands began to get sweaty, so I felt sorry to Swan.

“It’s damp, right? Sorry, I’m just a bit nervous.”

Instead of verbally responding, Swanhaden changed his hand’s position and instead laced his fingers with mine. He didn’t respond, but seeing his reaction made me think that he didn’t care too much about it. If it was me, I would’ve let go because of how uncomfortable I would’ve been.

Swanhaden’s hand was cool, so it felt like his hand was taking the heat away from my hand. Swan felt comforting and reassuring like this, so I locked my fingers back. He flinched slightly.

I seriously lucked out. Swanhaden quietly, really quietly, muttered to himself as he continued to walk with my hand in his.

I felt like I had misheard it, so I looked towards Swan. But the only thing I could see was complete darkness.

Swanhaden and I held hands and walked towards the bright light at the end of the darkness. When the bright light shone into my eyes, I squinted my eyes and stood there because of the light. I was immediately transported somewhere else.

Once I was used to the light, I opened my eyes to check my surroundings. I had been moved to the park in front of my home.

As soon as we arrived, Swanhaden stumbled harshly on the ground. But when I looked towards him, he stood up straight as if nothing had happened.

People would be surprised if Swanhaden and I suddenly popped out of nowhere so we chose a decently empty location that was close enough to my siblings. It was currently sunset, so thankfully the place was pretty deserted right now.

My heart beat frantically in my chest. My feet were on the ground that I had never thought I would step on again, and my lungs were breathing in the polluted air that I had strangely missed a lot, and my eyes were taking in the sights that I thought I would never see again.

“Are your siblings nearby?”

Swanhaden asked, frowning. I nodded.

I looked from left to right to look for my siblings.

I didn’t want to see what had happened immediately after I died, so I purposefully chose to visit a year later. I felt like a year was enough time for them to have accepted it somewhat.

Of course, acknowledging the death of someone and forgetting them was too much for a single year, but this was something that I had decided by myself. I didn’t know I was such a coward, either.

Just like I always did when I was faced with a situation, I thought about the millions of ways this could go wrong. First, I thought about the possibility that Se-yoo went astray and abandoned Semi and Yehwan. Another possibility where Semi and Yehwan couldn’t deal with their emotional scars and went astray and gave Se-yoo a hard time. The possibility where all three of them just decided to live their life however they wanted, leaving my entire family gone.

My heart felt quieter, but it was still beating quickly in my chest. I couldn’t seem to think of any positive scenarios. The amount of time it took for us to recover from our parents’ deaths had been long, after all. Yehwan was mature and was able to distance himself from the pain somewhat, but Se-yoo and Semi had an incredibly hard time with it.

Was it right for me to see what happened after? I found myself biting my nails as I worried. The excitement that I felt about seeing them again soon turned into worry. My emotions felt unstable.

Swanhaden didn’t let go of my hand even after he arrived.

Swanhaden, who had been staring intensely at my face rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb as he spoke.

“If you’re worried about your siblings acting out, do you want me to use some mind spells on them?”

My mind zapped back to normal at Swanhaden’s words.

How in the world could he say such incredible things as he gave me such a gentle smile?