I Loved You In Order To Survive - Chapter 10

I don’t want to preach at length about my childhood. I don’t want to remember it in detail, and no one wants to hear about long-winded misfortunes. I just had the wrong parents. That’s all.

Some may question what nonsense that is. If I was born as the daughter of an aristocrat, I was fortunate enough not to inherit the status of a peasant. They think that no matter what, I was greatly blessed.

Well, that’s half true. I know how hard it is to gain the status of an aristocrat. But that’s when you can live with the same prestige as your family.

Noblemen have nothing but pride in their heads. People who regard dishonor as more terrible than death, and are worried that it will be the gossip of other nobles.

A maid shouldn’t have been pregnant with me. As it should have been, the night should have ended in a momentary impulse.

But that misfortune was the beginning of all my misery.

If there is a being that can damage the honor of a noble most fatally, it would be an illegitimate child. Do I have to explain how they treat an unwanted illegitimate child?

I used to be locked in my room all day. The room I lived in was an unused space tucked away in the innermost part of the mansion, and didn’t even get sunlight.

In complete indifference, I grew tenacious like a weed. Fearing that rumors might spread that a dirty illegitimate daughter had been born in the Bismar family, my father did not dare to expel us from the mansion. Rather, he intended to keep us from leaving until we died.

Well, I don’t have much to say about my childhood. I was a pale, skinny child deprived of sunlight, and my mother used to hide discarded newspapers under her apron to teach me how to read. Sometimes she brought stolen bread.

My mother, who had been trying to keep me alive, disappeared by the time I was fifteen. I have no idea what they did to her. It can only be inferred.

I was fifteen at the time. Even though I was skinny because I didn’t eat well, my body was getting closer to an adult’s day by day.

Mother used to warn me.

“Never leave the attic!” 

She nagged me so much about it that I didn’t dare to disobey. It was like an iron rule governing my life. So I stayed quietly in the attic for 15 years.

But all fifteen-year-old girls go through puberty. A rebellious spirit was growing in my heart.

From then on, I started asking questions. 

‘Why can’t I leave this room?’

The attic was turning into a very small space for me. Until then, I thought that being locked up in the attic was solely my mother’s decision.

Defying my mother was not as difficult as I thought. One day I opened the door and went outside. Outside was a much wider and more beautiful world than the room I lived in.

As an ignorant child, I was busy wandering around admiring the majesty of the mansion without knowing. The funny thing was that everyone who passed me didn’t recognize who I was.

For 15 years, no one tried to observe what the face of the illegitimate child looked like, and as it was a long time, the servants seemed to have been replaced several times. 

Rather, because my face resembled my father, the servants bowed their heads even though they were worried. The maids, horrified at the sight of me in a chemise, dragged me into a room full of fancy dresses and dressed me.

I was transformed into a Bismar. It didn’t take long for my father to find me.

He completely forgot about his illegitimate daughter from 15 years ago. My father, Count Bismar, seemed quite taken aback by the appearance of a girl he had never seen before.

I had never learned and had no interest in the etiquette of a nobleman, so I just stared at my father. The Count was even more confused.

***

“Who has entered the mansion without my knowledge?”

She thought he was asking her name.

“I am Heloise.”

She raised her finger and pointed up.

“I live in the attic.”

It was as if he had been struck by lightning. It seemed to shock him that the illegitimate child he had produced fifteen years ago was still alive, and that she had grown into a woman who looked just like him.

But instead of throwing her back into the attic, Count Bismar came to his senses and began to examine her face and body. Like he was judging whether she would be useful.

Seeing her face, the Count made up his mind and smiled.

“Oh, yes, Heloise. Why didn’t you come down and see us sooner? You look hungry, so why don’t you join us for a meal?”

It never occurred to her that there was a devious plan in his head. She was a stupid 15-year-old kid who didn’t know anything. She was excited to hear that they were giving her something to eat, so she even made a request.

“Will you give me white bread?”

The Count’s face twitched for a moment. But that was short-lived.

“Yes, of course. You are my daughter.”

Only then did she know that the big man standing in front of her was her father. She liked him. Because he told her that he would give her a ‘meal’ instead of stolen bread. And unlike her mother, he gave her a warm smile.

So she believed he was a good person.

***

At the same time Heloise appeared, a rift formed in the mansion. She had a real room for the first time in her life. It was a spacious room that was indistinguishable from a living room.

The servants brought dozens of dresses and gowns. She didn’t know where they came from. Attendants stood beside her, fixing her hair, soaking her feet in warm water and massaging them.

As they had been ordered to do so, they worked hard to make Heloise a noblewoman. Aside from her thin body, she had no education as a Count’s daughter. All kinds of private tutors who were recognized in Beldam flocked to the mansion.

The Count’s obsession with Heloise’s education was morbid. He would call her daily to see if she was making any progress in her education. On days he was not satisfied, Heloise could not sleep until she had perfected the things she had learned that day.

Under the pretext of correcting the lower-class dialect she acquired from her mother, her tutor shoved seven glass marbles into her mouth.

“My Lady, read the book I gave you. Clearly and slowly! Follow my example.”

The tutor read the book first. Naturally, Heloise couldn’t say anything. It was crazy. She wanted to find out who came up with the theory that you could learn high-society dialect by sticking a marble in your mouth.

But she had to do it. The eyes of the Count, who was eager to make her a member of high society, and the Countess, who disapproved of Heloise’s very existence, tightened her heart. She knew it was all her fault.

She thought it was because she was not noble enough. She needed to finish her studies as soon as possible. Then everything would go back to normal.

It took several months for Heloise to meet their expectations. Even that wasn’t perfect, but compared to the beginning, she was a completely different person.

Disappointed in herself for her slow learning, and fearful of tomorrow, Heloise couldn’t even think of her mother, who had disappeared because she had to stay awake every night. She was too busy taking care of herself.

She had to be a good daughter.

‘The Countess will love me if I am worthy.’

Heloise was on the verge of passing out, weighed down by an excessive schedule and pressure. It was only natural since she had to cram into her head the lessons little girls learned before they turned five years old in just a few months.

But she didn’t even know how other young ladies lived. She thought all of this was because she was lacking.

It wasn’t until autumn arrived that she could breathe after completing most of her training. She no longer blurted out low-class words, and no longer forgot etiquette and made mistakes.

By the time everything was coming to an end, she had time to herself.

She liked to play the piano in the small concert hall. The only thing that didn’t bother her was the piano. Playing the piano was not painful. Rather, bringing out the beautiful music hidden like a code in the sheet music… It was a lot of fun.

Even that day, she was playing the piano in her free time. Music made time pass quickly and enriched her barren mind.

Someone came to her when she was admiring the artistry of a composer.

“That is a beautiful performance.”

Heloise looked back in amazement. A strange man was standing by the door, watching her. Until then, she hadn’t even dared to imagine that the reason she was able to become a member of the Bismar family was because of him.

Duke Johann Meyer, her half-sister’s fiancé, gave her a penetrating look.

***