I Should Have Just Died - Chapter 190

The queen couldn’t quite comprehend what he meant in his words.

She was a parent who lost her child not long ago. She didn’t even notice the fact that she was underdressed, as she had always emphasized nobility. Her bloodshot eyes were blinking.

It seemed to have finally calmed down her heart.

**

It was a strange night.

Even though it was the same night, as usual, it felt darker. It seemed that something would appear through the distant darkness that occupied the outside.

Alyssa raised the scarf that wrapped around her body a little higher.

Looking out on the balcony was one of Alyssa’s few habits, but it was the first time she had felt so bizarre and terrified as today.

Alyssa trembled.

“……Why do you look like that?”

Dania asked Alyssa.

“I do not know.”

Was it because of Vanessa’s death?

She felt indifferent.

Alyssa’s hand was holding Seidrick’s letter.

The letter with the repeated sentence “Are you okay?” was full of his kindness. He was worried about her when Alyssa worried about him. Seidrick used to act like Alyssa was a paper doll that is easily torn.

Alyssa tightened her grip on the letter.

“Is it today?”

Dania asked Alyssa slowly.

She nodded her head.

Caradella doesn’t reveal everything to Alyssa, but she tends to share important facts. Caradella said that today was a significant event. The mercenary will kill the king.

After the king crumpled on the floor and bled, it was Alyssa’s turn.

The mercenaries Caradella had already hired and the soldiers of the nobles who had risen up for Alyssa had gathered in Cambridge.

Juliana allowed the doors of Cambridge to open for Alyssa. She just looked back at Alyssa with her worried eyes.

‘Don’t get hurt. Don’t do anything painful and difficult.’

Juliana made Alyssa promise over and over again. It was the first time she realized that it was a parents’ heart. So she should be happy now. Alyssa has a family who cares about her danger.

But, strangely, her heart is beating fast.

It may have stemmed from a sense of guilt for not preventing someone’s death while expecting it.

Vanessa.

King.

There was no familial tenderness, but they were once part of Alyssa’s family.

They shared blood with Alyssa, a biological lineage that shared a part of their soul. Although she didn’t look alike, she had some similarities to them. Alyssa’s jewel-like purple eyes sank into the depths of the water.

Dania couldn’t hide a worried look and patted Alyssa on the back.

This morning, they will go to the royal castle.

Alyssa’s white uniform shone even in the darkness.

It is now wrapped in a thick shawl, but when dawn comes, she will wear a golden cloak and ride a horse. Alyssa was bright enough to light the darkness.

“What are you worried about, Alyssa? Are you still hesitating? Or…”

Dania added hesitantly.

“Are you sad?”

Alyssa blinked her eyes.

Supposedly.

She was sad now. Alyssa was saddened by their death. She repeated over and over that it was okay, but her foolish heart was filled with sadness.

“I think so. Foolish…”

Alyssa’s voice trembled.

It was sad that it could only be like this.

It was sad that they had to send their energy to protect her like this.

In a way, Alyssa was a bastard aiding her family’s death, and they were the victims of death on her behalf.

If there are sins they have committed, does Alyssa deserve to be punished for them?

Same thing with Avery.

She is also a human being herself…

Alyssa pressed her hot eyes into her palms.

It didn’t stop her from crying, though. She was just miserable.

Why did they do that? They can live a little better.

Is it there? Before, people turned their backs on the royal family. Could the royal family live….more like humans?

What could have made them like that?

Unanswered questions arose. Alyssa’s chin trembled.

People said it wasn’t Alyssa’s fault. They said that this was natural and that their deaths were justified. However, she wasn’t sure.

Alyssa thought she was just the same human being.

“I don’t know what you’re thinking. But, Alyssa.”

Dania wrapped her arms around Alyssa’s back. Then she whispered, resting her cheek on her shoulder.

“That’s the difference. Alyssa mourns their deaths and hesitates. But they didn’t. Until now. So Alissa is different.”

“….”

“Alyssa’s hesitation is different. This human aspect is different from theirs, so we chose Alyssa. That’s why Alyssa is stronger than them.”

Dania’s whisper shook Alyssa.

Hesitation.

That was strength, not weakness?

Alyssa seemed to understand it, but she couldn’t.

However, she knows one thing.

The world sided with Alyssa. And now, she has no choice but to accept it.