I Used To Be Alone Until I Meet You - Chapter 10
I remembered the time my sister was heartbroken, she was very sad and down. She cried and told me, her world is collapsing.
I completely could understand her feeling because the time I heard that Cheng Ze and Zhuo Zhuo started to date, I seemed to be faced with a broken piece of mirror, the ceramic of toilet was broken to piece, everything in my surrounding felt broken.
After several seconds or minutes, I noticed everything is fine, the one that actually broken was my unseen heart.
Action 1
2000, New Year’s Day.
Zhuo Zhuo was not in the dorm. Last night the time she finished eating out with department member, she immediately returned home to pass the New Year.
Nan Nan and Jie Jie were in my dorm room, they were gossiping about the current hottest topic: “Last night Zhuo Zhuo looks like she accepted Cheng Ze.”
I was stirring my coffee and the black powder started to mix. I said: “It cannot be happened, Zhuo Zhuo doesn’t like him.”
“It’s real. I looked at it personally.” Jie Jie said: “Last night after the gathering, Cheng Ze drank a lot of alcohols and gone for a while. I looked Zhuo Zhuo took a bottle of water and gone. Afterwards, I looked around the restaurant for her…. Guess what did I see?”
Nan Nan asked hurriedly: “What did you see?”
“I saw Zhuo Zhuo and Cheng Ze sat on the darkest corner, they sat so close. Cheng Ze draped his coat on Zhuo Zhuo’s shoulder. Zhuo Zhuo didn’t refuse. They seemed to be happy with each other. After the dinner gathering, they even hadn’t finished their conversation. There should be something between them.”
The glass on my grip fell and the coffee was spilled. I rushed to the bathroom to wash my hands. For a moment I tried to gather my strength.
I let the water flowed loudly, I didn’t want to listen to their gossips, but Nan Nan’s voice still sounded so loud: “Zhuo Zhuo finally being pursued by Xiao Cheng! This is a breaking news, I need to be calm calm.”
“What is so breaking about it?” Jie Jie said, “Since the beginning I said it already, Cheng Ze is a good man, sooner or later Zhuo Zhuo will fall for him.”
“You said it?”
Jie Jie said: “I’ve said it, I said it when we were in our first year.”
First year? I couldn’t stop to think back to our first year. That time Nan Nan and Jie Jie frequently chatted about this topic.
Time really flied so fast, in a blink, it’s already that long time ago and I almost forgot it “the bloody case caused by an orange”.
Action 2
Nan Nan and Jie Jie chatted until it’s very late and they went back. After they went back, I took my phone for several times then put it down again. At last I sent a message to Zhuo Zhuo: [Darling, I heard that suddenly you have a progress with Cheng Ze, is it for real?]
I didn’t call her because I was afraid that she will notice my shiver.
I held my phone for a long time, then finally Zhuo Zhuo replied: [You could think it that way.]
The words were clear but I still couldn’t believe it, then I tried to confirm it: [You are really together with him?]
Zhuo Zhuo didn’t really directly reply as what I wanted, but sentences with rich connotation: [I used to think that he is too young to be suitable for me. We had a class meeting last night, I talked with him for a long time and I found out that he is very mature and thoughtful. We have a lot of things in common, especially for feelings.]
When I read this words repeatedly, Zhuo Zhuo sent another message: [Last night, he told me no matter how much he likes a girl. If he is not sure that he can give her a future, he is unsure that he could bear this feeling. He would rather to give up and not start because he is afraid that his impulse with hurt person he likes….”
Looking at the words, her tear fell down.
I typed again: [It’s really deep.]
Zhuo Zhuo replied: [Yes! I really didn’t think that his feeling toward me is very deep, I am very touched.]
I had nothing to say, I was trembling. [ As senior matchmaker, you guys, don’t plan to tell me?”
Zhuo Zhuo said: [Wait until we have it all confirmed, then we will treat you a meal.]
“Okay”, I typed, yet I didn’t send it.
He finally could pursued Zhuo Zhuo. His sincere heart could move Zhuo Zhuo. But me, precisely was the one that let him realize what is sincerity!
I really wanted to laugh, laugh and smile for blessing them. But I really couldn’t smile or laugh.
I suddenly was somewhat regret. If only I could be like Zhuo Zhuo, be brave to take a leap. Maybe the one that sit beside him and being draped by his coat would be me?
I laughed bitterly and shook my head, it will not! Of course it will not! All along the one that he likes… is not me.
Action 3
In the night of New Year’s Day, I spent in at Internet cafe.
I hugged a big pack of tissue and watched an all night <<“My Sassy Girlfriend”>> for three times.
I could see a man beside me saw me with his weird eye’s expression. I wiped my tears and smiled toward him: “This movie is really touching!”
Then, the man beside me started to watch <<“My Sassy Girlfriend”>> and laughed loudly….
Action 4
After three days, Zhuo Zhuo came back.
On her chair, there was Cheng Ze’s coat. On it there was Zhuo Zhuo’s cent.
On her computer, she played a Faye Wong’s <<Nuan Wei>>: “The untouched tea is already turned sour. Never been in love yet lost in love. Being with you everyday, how can this be so short…”
I couldn’t stand the lyric so I went to the study room. I decided to come back when Zhuo Zhuo had fallen asleep.
Just like that, day by day.
Action 5
Finally it’s end of the semester, we entered the examination math.
In order for preparing for the exam, I spent every day in the study room. There was no time to go online, no time to play cards. This was very good because I wouldn’t have time to witness the sweet love moment between Zhuo Zhuo and Cheng Ze.
The exam finally ended, I was ready to prepare my suitcase to go home and take a rest. I carried my report of the exams back to my bedroom and I noticed Zhuo Zhuo and a boy inside the room.
They were snuggling together and immediately separated when they saw me.
I was like being stroke by the thunder!
I was startled in front of the door, I couldn’t understand the situation: In this light day, what kind of melodrama are they playing?
Zhuo Zhuo greeted me: “Xin Xin, you are back?”
I was still startled that I even be so quiet.
It was experiencing a kind of hurt:
There should be a thing that you regard as a gem that you cautiously hide it. You even don’t dare to touch it because you afraid that it will be dirty.
But with big eyes you look at someone in front of you, without any sympathy smash it down, smash it until it’s broken….
You feel the hurt yet you have no power to stop it.
Because no matter how you like it, it will not belong to you!
Action 6
After that man went home, Zhuo Zhuo told me: “I and Cheng Ze are not together.”
I already numbed because of the thunder, I just said “O”.
Zhuo Zhuo said: “I and Cheng Ze….. seem that we are not compatible for each other.”
I rubbed my forehead. I felt my head was hurt, it’s really hurt.
Zhuo Zhuo said: “Few days ago, Lin Mu confessed to me. I feel that knowing each other for several years have lead us to understand each other more, he probably suits me better….”
I tried to be calm, but I still couldn’t help. I said: “Do you know? It’s hurt more to lose when you already get it than never get it.”
Zhuo Zhuo hung her face down. I could see hurt in her eyes but it wasn’t not guilt.
“Xin Xin, I don’t want to mention anymore about Cheng Ze and me… Don’t you mention it to other people too, okay? After all we are classmates, I don’t want it to be a problem.”
“I understand.”
I sat powerlessly on my bed and Zhuo Zhuo just tidied up her things silently.
During my third year, I and Zhuo Zhuo live together. We were inseparable. We would chat a lot of gossips. We would have endless sweet-talk. We never fought with each other. Without any problems, I thought we are the best girlfriend for each other. Yet we are just each other friend, we seemed to be intimate, yet we hid a lot of things from each other……. we never be honest with each other.
Action 7
That night, I was studying in the study room. With an impulse, I ran to Cheng Ze’s dorm.
From the sixth to the third floor, it was a minute away, I thought a lot of things to say.
I wanted to say to him: “It’s okay if Zhuo Zhuo doesn’t like you. There is me. I will be your girlfriend. I like you, I’ve liked you for a long time.”
I wanted to say: “It’s okay if you don’t like me, I will introduce you to a girlfriend who is prettier than Zhuo Zhuo, we shouldn’t be hopeless.”
I wanted to say: “Cheng Ze, actually you are really good. You are really good. We are just a bit young, which man will not pass nineteen years old? Which uncles never be young man? What is the point of being mature and older!”
I thought about a lot of things, but when I was about to enter his dorm, I looked that he was lying down on his bed. He was in a deep sleep. My strength was completely disappeared.
His dorm mate told me: “Before he went out with the football team to have dinner and drink. Do you have something to say to him? I will help you to wake him up.”
I said hurriedly: “No need, no need! Actually it’s nothing.” “O, I will wash my clothes first, you could just sit down here.”
The dorm mate went to the laundry room then didn’t come inside again. Supposedly he had a lot of laundries so it took him a long time to wash it. But later on I heard that, his dorm mate had mysophobia then he couldn’t stand a dirty clothes even for a night.
Action 8
It was a silent night, I sat on Cheng Ze’s bedside.
I’ve known him for a long time. Yet it’s the first time for me to see him up close.
Because I was too emotional before, the passion in me started to cool down.
I started to be afraid. I was not afraid that I will be rejected fro my confession.
My fear was, he would accept it.
Just like Zhuo Zhuo accepted him. The time he accepts me, then we just a moment he would notice that we are not compatible for each other then we broke up. We would be a stranger for each other.
I don’t want that kind of ending.
Moreover we still had Zhuo Zhuo between us, no matter how she didn’t regard me as best friend, I couldn’t just ignore her feeling.
Action 9
I didn’t wait for a long time, Cheng Ze woke up. He opened his eyes and noticed me. He suddenly stood up.
He looked around and rubbed his temple.
In a silence, I said: “Your roommate is doing the laundry.”
“O.” He asked: “When did you come?”
“I just came.”
“What’s the matter?”
I said: “I wanted to borrow a charger from you.”
“Isn’t your phone a motorola?”
“I …. help someone to borrow it.”
After a minute, I took the charger and very grateful that I didn’t say anything I shouldn’t because of my impulsivity.
Until now, I am still grateful.
Grateful that we don’t start our feeling and relations hurriedly. Grateful that we give each other time, to learn about longing, learn about respect, learn about cherishing, learn about persistence, learn to be in love.
