I Used To Be Alone Until I Meet You - Chapter 12
I remembered that someone has ever told me that: Between man and woman there will be no “innocent” friendship.
I deeply think —— this is too logical!
When I was in university, the time I was completely innocent. I once thought that a man and a woman could have and establish a great and pure friendship, for example Bro Nan and Bro Hao’s “brotherly” relations. That made all of girls in the dorm feel inspired. Now both of them has a son that could help them buy grocery.
Action 1
Since Xiao Cheng knew my identity, I was a bit embarrassed to follow him to see the scenery, occasionally imitated him, pretended to fight the Boss, to level up.
When I was full of enthusiasm and stepped to another level, Xiao Cheng told me that he wouldn’t play “knight” anymore, I couldn’t help but to the stare at the computer screen and asked: [What happened?]
He answered me: [I’ve considered carefully, I still have a lot of things to do, I couldn’t keep on pondering on online game.]
I: [….]
He didn’t want to ponder anymore, but how could he don’t consider other’s feeling? Other already being pondering in this!
He said again: [Moreover, I’m afraid that if I continue, I will fall even deeper.]
I: [……]
After that “fallen innocence” lost its “knight”.
In the beginning, I still hoped a fantasy that it’s his only emotional action, he would be quickly recover from it because he couldn’t control the impulse to play. He would come back and attack Boss. It’s like a lot of men when they wanted to stop and quit smoking, after several days they would smoke even more; just like a woman, she said that she wanted to go on diet, but when she saw dishes, she wouldn’t help to eat it.
But at last, I’m wrong!
Xiao Cheng really stopped his habit to play online game, even sometimes I forced him to come, yet he also in the game for looking at the scenery.
I bit my lips. I hated, I hated that he could control himself, he also could give up. But I couldn’t do anything to change him……
Action 2
After graduating from university, SARS virus broke out. Many students who rented house outside, they moved back to the dormitory. Xiao Cheng also temporarily returned back and began to work on his graduation task. I can’t find him in the online game so I started to “harrass” him in QQ and text messages.
Sometimes I asked him to download a popular TV show for me. Sometimes I asked him to save me an important file.
I swore that I have no other intention that time, I just want to look for a chance to see him and he always only let me take a look well, turn around and leave without saying anything.
I didn’t say anything to him too because when I saw him, my heart was in a mess and I completely lost my language skills.
Occasionally I listened to my roommates’ chat. One day I heard that Xiao Cheng signed a job for a state-owned company in B city. The work was good and the income was stable.
From the map, B city and T City was widely separated.
I smiled bitterly and rubbed my Crayon Sinchan’s big head: “Your father will go soon, wave your hands!”
……..
Action 3
That night, I had a strange dream.
I dreamt of a moment of ten years later, we were in a reunion party. I met Xiao Cheng, he turned to be a mature and stable, he also married and had a kid.
I said to him: “Cheng Ze, do you know? That time we were in university. I loved you, but I didn’t have any courage to confess to you….. If, I say if, if that time I confess to you, will you accept me?”
He looked at me and being silent: “Sis, in this situation now, is there any meaning to ponder on “if” question?”
I punched him in the shoulder: “Couldn’t you just cooperate!”
He directly said: “Maybe I will!”
I laughed then patted his shoulder. I smiled, then laughed, then I pounded my body toward his shoulder and cried….
During my heartache, I woke up. I looked at my familiar dorm room, then felt that it was dream!
It’s a dream!
How could there be Xiao Cheng in our reunion?!
Action 4
12 June 2003, Midnight, it’s rare thing that I could remember date. It’s because tomorrow will be my birthday.
Xiao Cheng called me and said: “I’ve downloaded the drama that you want, I saved it in a CD, when will you get it?”
Without any doubt, I answered: “Now!”
“Now I’m outside the schools, the door is close now. I couldn’t get in.”
“O.” My voice sounded regretful.
“If not just like this, I will wait for you behind the little door of your apartment.”
I immediately became happy: “Okay!”
After many years, I couldn’t forget that night.
I stood there and he stood there, we looked at each other for a long time, a long time….
I asked him: “When will you need to start your job?”
He answered: “After I get my degree certificate, I will go.”
“O.”
I was speechless, and he turned his body and left.
I really wanted to chase after him, but there cold iron fence blocked me.
I just could see him leaving far far way. Although I could notice his hesitation from his step, but he never stopped.
Action 5
The next day, 13 June 2003, was my birthday.
In the middle of almost graduating, I became more and more incapable to calm down. My heart was burning with fire, there was no peace in mel.
In the afternoon, Xiao Cheng sent a message to me and asked me what birthday gift I wanted.
I asked: [What do you want to give me?]
He said: [I want to give you a real Crayon Sinchan, do you want it?]
I tried to force myself to think in very pure direction. After all, we were just in pure friendship relation.
I said: [Take me out for a drink in the bar, I want to get drunk.]
I waited nervously for a long time, then he replied: [I have something to night.]
I said: [Okay, then next time.]
He replied: [Okay, next time.]
Action 6
That night, I walked around the school garden alone.
I wanted to go out to look for Xiao Cheng, but after the SARS breakout, it was being guarded by security guard.
I was impulsive, I jumped from the school’s wall, and fell down. My arm was bleading.
I tried to hold the ache and sat down for a while. I sent a message to Xiao Cheng: [I am at Lun Hui Bar, could you come?]
He replied quickly: [You are alone?]
I answered: [Em!]
[Wait for me 10 minutes.]
Less than 10 minutes, the person I waited arrived.
He didn’t ask me why did I look for him.
He took me directly to small private room and ordered a few bottles of beer.
Seeing that I drank a few bottles of beer in silence, he finally couldn’t stand it, he broke the silence: “Are you in a bad mood?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because of you, because you have to go.”
He stopped talking and looked at me. I was sad and my heart was bitter. I looked up and drank a gulp of beer again. I raised all the courage to say: “Now we will go with our own path, I just want to hear you say it to me clearly, say a sentence: “You don’t like me, you never like me… then I could stop this feeling….”
The reason I said this to help me reject me.
I didn’t expect that after a short silence, he asked me: “If I say… I like you?”
“What?”
He came closer to me and looked at me. I didn’t dare to look at him. I only saw his slightly undulating chest: “I like you for a long time.”
“…..”
I rubbed my forehead. I should be throughly shocked.
I tried my best to say something, my half-conscious brain considered for a long time, then said a sentence: “You, why don’t you tell me earlier?”
“I think my actions are really clear.”
“……….”
Action 7
That night, he said to me about a lot of things, it was honest and deep.
He said that since the beginning he could see my feeling toward him, he also could see that I am trying to avoid it. He didn’t confess to me because I’d said that I wouldn’t accept him, because he’s not what I imagined.
I was speechless.
He wasn’t wrong, indeed he’s not.
He said: He knows that I want a mature and stable man, someone responsible, can me a future and promise. He couldn’t do all of this.
I kept on being silent.
His words were true, indeed he couldn’t do it.
He said, he’s a twenty years young man, he never been in relationship. He didn’t know how long this love would last. A promise of a life time for him was too deep.
I lowered my head and rubbed the cold glass, my heart was cold too.
The promise of lifetime, he couldn’t give it to me.
At last, he said: “I said what I should say. You should understand now. Go home and find your Lao Xiang. He is more suitable for you than me.”
I looked at him. Indeed I couldn’t decide what would future hold. But I decided that he was in front of me, I extended my hand and clutched him.
Without doubt I clutched his sleeve, I still didn’t dare to look at him. With persistence: “I can!”
“Em? What are you saying?”
“I can accept it, even there’s no result, it’s okay.”
He was startled: “Didn’t you say you don’t want any feeling without result?”
“Yes, I don’t want it. If one day, I break up with you, I will be very hurt. But if you and me…. without even trying and we give up, I will be regret it forever. I rather be hurt but I don’t want to regret!’
This moment, I waited for his response. I waited for a whole minute.
He said: “You are drunk, let’s discuss this tomorrow.”
“Hey?”
“I will send you back to the dorm.”
Actually my alcohol tolerance is very good, now I just had a bit headache.
Action 8
A night without sleep.
The next day morning, I was being woke up by the phone. At last I took my phone and answered it.
Xiao Cheng’s voice came over to my ear: “Are you awake now?”
I covered my hot face: “Em!”
After a cold moment, he asked: “Our conversation last night, do you still remember it?”
I continued: “Em.”
“If…. you want to take it back, now you can still do it.”
I took my phone and leant on my Crayon Sinchan’s big head: “If I don’t plan to take itt back?”
“……….. Tonight let’s go to the bar again and chat again.”
“O.”
He hung up and I hugged my Crayon Sinchan.
Action 9
The clear summer day, I stood in the opposite of Lun Hui Bar, and looked Cheng Ze came toward me.
A face that I rarely see face to face but a familiar face for me. Without expression, but radiating. A face that could give me warmth.
He came toward my side. He didn’t say anything and just held my hand and we walked toward the lonely desolated road.
His face was warmth and stable…..
Action 10
We got inside the bar and the bartender asked him: “What do you want to drink?”
He looked me once and asked: “How about orange juice?”
I nodded.
At last he ordered two glasses of orange juice. I guessed he wanted to keep both of us to be conscious and aware.
Last night in the private room, we sat face to face.
“Since when do you like me?” I asked him with my blushing red face.
He smiled and didn’t answer.
“When was it?”
He still be quiet, I continued to ask.
He was helpless under my urge, then he answered: “It’s up to you. Anytime you think will be okay.”
“……”
I could make decision?
Action 11
I noticed that he was unwilling to answer, then I decided to change my question: “When did you start to not like Zhuo Zhuo?”
“I never like her.”
“No need to lie to me! Tell me the truth! I will not mind, when was it?”
He turned and said to the waiter: “Give me two bottles of beer.”
Hey, did I ask a question that I shouldn’t ask.
After he finished two bottles of beer, he said: “I and she just friends. I never say anything I shouldn’t say to her. I never do anything I shouldn’t do to her. Why do think I like her?”
“Because that orange juice!” I asked: “Since you don’t like her, why did you give the orange juice to Zhuo Zhuo and not me?”
He tried to recall it and asked me: “Which orange juice?”
I drank a big gulp then said: “During our second year of university. You met I and Zhuo Zhuo, then you gave your bottle of orange juice to Zhuo Zhuo, to her!”
Xiao Cheng asked: “Was there anything like this? How could I don’t remember?”
I: “….”
I kept on remembering this but unexpectedly he forgot about this.
He noticed of my complete impression to the orange juice. He tried to think about it and answered seriously: “If that time there’s something like this, according to my logic that time I should be want to give to both of you. She is loser to me so I give her once, then she would share it to you.”
Indeed Zhuo Zhuo is closer with him, but it’s not the point, the point was he gave it to Zhuo Zhuo not her.
I asked again: “Why don’t you share it to a half for us?”
“It’s just an orange juice, do you think I was that free to share it to half?”
Honestly, he is not that free man.
He said again: “also according to my logic, if I want to give girls oranges, at least I will buy a pound or eight pound to show my good intention, how can I give only one… I must have give it without any intention at all.”
“Oh then what was your intention that time?”
Xiao Cheng said to the waiter: “Two more bottle of beer please.”
Uh? Did I ask another question that I shouldn’t ask.
Action 12
Originally I just wanted to ask whether he had ever been in relationship with Zhuo Zhuo, that “night year dinner, what was happening that time. But suddenly he extended his hand and clutched my hand. I immediately forgot about it.
He said: “These years had passed, why should you look for me now? There’s a month to go, I will leave the school to go to another city….”
“I know.” I nodded: “I know that will be the end, not beginning, but it’s not important, the important is —— do you want to be together with me?”
He didn’t answer me.
I could understand his hesitant.
He had thought about being together with me but that time I didn’t have the courage, and chose to avoid it.
Now I didn’t want to avoid it. Indeed we would face a lot of problems, time space. We would be distanced. There would be a lot of obstruction. It’s not a fine beginning, it would be hard fine ending….
Action 13
We sat there in the bar until the curfew time.
He sent me back to the apartment. When I was about to get inside the apartment, he suddenly pulled my hand.
I turned my head and he kissed me.
His soft lips just touch, just touch. I suddenly being electrocuted.
The wind of the summer time, it’s warm.
This kiss was light.
“Let’s try.” He said on my ear side.
“Try what.”
“Try an unbreakable relationship.”
“Unbreakable…”
“Unbreakable!”
That night, I couldn’t stop to lick my lips, I kep ton feeling my lips were numb, was it being poisoned?
Action 14
That night I hugged my Crayon Sinchan. My phone rang. I looked at the name on the screen. I was happy and embarrassed at the same time: “Hello…”
Xiao Cheng asked: “Are you free tomorrow night?”
I looked at the my sleeping roommates and asked quietly: “What’s the matter?”
“I want to take you out for movie.”
“…. Are you losing in a card game again?”
I could hear the laughter in his voice: “If it’s not?”
I considered for a long time: “…. I will go too.”
“Tomorrow, O….. today 5:30, I will wait for you in front of your apartment. I will call five minutes before to remind you.”
“No need. I wouldn’t forget.” I looked at Zhuo Zhuo: “It’s better to meet there in the cinema.”
“Em, okay.”
When I was about to hang up, I heard him say: “I couldn’t sleep…”
“Me too.”
“Then let’s chat for a while.”
“Em.”
Then we started to chat. I couldn’t remember what were we chatting about. I just remembered that I was so happy and unwilling to hang up.
Then I slept. The time I woke up, my phone was still on my ear side. There was a message: [Hope you have a good dream.]
—— <<Love Cheat>>—— The Seventh Lesson
In love, the most torturous is ambiguity, and what is memorable is also ambiguity.
If you jut let it be, that kind of desire will still be alive, it will make love more and more unforgettable.
If you meet a good man, he just looks at you. Dress up yourself and start with him
This time try a glance of tenderness, a right kind of care, have a deep smile. Believe me, cold man can’t bear the tenderness….
