I Want To Be Your First – R19 - Chapter 72

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Ariel could be seen crouching with her head buried in her knees through the opened gap. Although the dressing room was spacious enough for three or four people to lie down, the sight of her curled up in a corner like a hedgehog was pitiful yet amusing.

“Please stop crying and raise your face. Hm?”

Ariel, who had raised her head, suddenly let out a sob and buried her head again.

Was it because of a sudden wave of sadness?

Her shoulders trembled as she started to sob.

Looking at her cry silently, Berthwald moved closer towards Ariel. She flinched as he wrapped his arms around her shoulder and stopped crying. He pulled Ariel straight into his arms.

“Why are you so dejected?”

“…”

“Didn’t you say that if you take medicine and rest, you will get better soon? It will be fine.”

He patted her back and spoke kindly. As he repeatedly patted her back, her sobbing became quieter. Her trembling stopped, and the whimpering noises subsided little by little.

After a long period of time, Ariel wiped her eyes and slowly raised her head.

“I’m not crazy, am I?”

“Absolutely not. It’s just that… You have been through a lot. Apparently it’s because you received a shock.”

“…What if it gets worse? What if I keep being like this?”

“You won’t. Don’t worry.”

Berthwald’s hand covered the thin fists that were on her knees, and comforted her in a gentle tone. As Ariel flinched and tried to pull her fists out, before quietly accepting his warmth.

A cold silence surrounded the two of them. Ariel curled her body into a smaller ball and wiggled with her fingers.

“My feeling of inferiority is much more than I’d thought… It will make others have a hard time.”

A cracked voice broke the silence. Ariel swallowed her saliva with difficulty and continued speaking.

“Even if I look like I’m alright, I can’t keep saying that it’s difficult, so I pretend to be alright. My feelings of inferiority won’t go away… It just stays buried in my heart. But like this…”

Perhaps it was because her emotions were rising, she bit her lip and breathed to alleviate it. After a long while, Ariel continued to speak again.

“Like this… As if there still is something lacking. I’ve always been lacking… But I’ve always lived humbly. Why must I be given such an ordeal? I keep… getting depressed.”

“… Ariel.”

“I know, it’s really foolish right? It’s just… There are times like this where I’m like this. I’ll get better soon, so please don’t worry.”

As she sniffed, she forced a smile like everything was alright. With swollen eyes, mottled tear marks, and dishevelled ebony hair. No matter where he looked, she can’t be described as alright.

What should he do?

The way self-esteem is managed is different for each person. Furthermore, what more can he say to someone that was desperately comforting himself like Ariel?

Knowing that none of his words would be of solace to her, Berthwald kept his silence and comforted her.

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As hot water was poured to sterilise the cutlery and dried, the cutlery caused loud rattling sounds.

After the plate was placed down, as if he was waiting, the chef started to decorate the plate with cake and cream puffs. Chocolate sauce, raspberry sauce and cream sauce dyed the plate with gorgeous colours, and strawberry, grape jam and marmalade garnished the sauces.

Finishing with edible flowers and herbs, a luxurious dessert that was qualified to be served anywhere without shame was completed.

“No wonder the atmosphere is subdued these days.”

Jude muttered in a neutral tone as she moved the plates onto the tray. Vieta prepared the tea and water next to her dazedly, and belatedly heard her words and asked back with a, “Huh?”

“Seriously, Vieta. Why are you so distracted?”

“…Ahh. I was thinking about something else for a moment.”

“Recently, you’ve been doing that daily. Is it because of the Madam?”

While pouring the dried tea leaves into the tea siever, Vieta let out a sigh.

“It’s not necessarily like that… I feel bad for her. Maybe it’s because of the medicine, but she’s been hazy all day.”

It has been a week since the Countess came out of the dressing room.

The medicine prescribed for treating her anxiety contained something that made the Countess in a dream-like state all day long. When someone that kept moving about all day kept sleeping the whole day, Vieta, who was a by-stander, could only be restless.

“Oh gosh, My Lady. The Lord brought her back when she was sleeping in the rear garden earlier. She hardly ever goes out, and almost always spends her days in the mansion sleeping… she’s pitiful.”

“Though sleeping is alright, the problem lies in the fact that her complexion is slowly getting worse. Wouldn’t it be better if she returned back to the South… .”

As they were conversing, they reached the front of the Countess’ room before they knew it.

When Jude asked, “The South?,” with her head tilted, Vieta fiddled with ?? And continued with, “Isn’t it true?”

“While it isn’t that bad here, the air in Pahar is fresh and the mansion is much larger, so it’s better suited for recuperation. Would ailing nobles go down to the South for nothing?”

“While that’s true, they wouldn’t be able to return to the South for a while due to the Lord’s work. It would soon be the period for the consul’s reappointment. The mansion would also be noisy.”

While a consul’s official term of office was 2 years, the consul could be reappointed without limits with the Senate’s votes. Majority of people were of the opinion that the Count would naturally be reappointed as he had the Senate’s confidence.

“Ugh, the banquet to celebrate being reappointed…! I forgot about that. What should I do? The Madam is so unwell, can we even hold a banquet in the mansion?”

“That’s right. The Lord must also be quite vexed about this.”

As they exchanged gazes of pity, Jude and Vieta let out a long sigh at the same time. The sound of their sighs flowed through the gap of the slightly opened door.

Ariel, who was secretly listening to the maids’ conversation, also sighed lowly so that she wouldn’t be heard.

Vieta, who had entered the Countess’s room before Jude, gasped and grasped her chest. Ariel, who had been sleeping soundly until a few moments prior, was seated on the sofa hugging her calves tightly.

Ariel smiled as an indication that she was fine.

“I woke up to the sound of a rattle. What have you brought?”

“Ah… ahaha. I thought that you ate too little for breakfast, so I brought you a snack. Uh… Would you like to have some?”

At Ariel’s nod, Jude began to place the food down from the tray with fast movements. Pound cake stuffed with dried fruit, a basket full of grapes and oranges, a closed choux pastry stuffed with chocolate cream and custard pudding with blueberry jam.

All of these were Ariel’s favourites.

Ever since she fell ill, everything in the mansion revolved around Ariel. Wilhelm created a diet plan that consisted of porridge, soup, meatloaf and meatballs, which were easily digestible.

Perhaps because he felt that that wasn’t enough, he started to get medicinal ingredients that came from nowhere, such as the eggs of sea turtles and the head of western salmusa, and decoct them, adding it into the diet plan.

It was Berthwald who gave a helping hand to Ariel, who was struggling on whether she really should eat these. At the Lord’s command to put it away immediately, Wilhelm bit the bowl with a sullen expression.

“Madam. Don’t you like fruit cakes? This is what Vieta and I made personally. Please give it a try.”

“Yes. thank you.”

As she poked the pound cake with her fork. Ariel nudged the cake unwillingly, before carefully starting a conversation.

“Did I fall asleep in the garden again?”

“Yeah. You must have been very tired.”

“What about the Count?”

“The Lord is in the library. As his term as the consul is coming to an end, he must be busy with work.”

“Oh… I see. No wonder that it’s hard for us to meet these days..”

The end of his term, reappointment.

As she recalled the story that her maids were talking about, Ariel’s lips turned downwards.

If he was reappointed, there would be a celebratory banquet. It’s the duty of the lady of the house to host parties in the mansion… The current her couldn’t do anything as the lady of the house.

Even in the main house at Pahar, she was brought here without receiving the key to the ossuary.

No. Come to think about it, from her marriage until now, had she ever played the role of the lady of the house even once?

It would be through sheer luck that she didn’t ruin Berthwald’s reputation by saying that she was his wife even though she wasn’t qualified.

A celebratory banquet.

Perhaps it would be better off for her if she didn’t have confidence. Her reputation in society was originally bad, if there were rumours spreading that she was ill…Others might find her a disgrace and use her to look down on Berthwald.

Ariel stared intently at the cake, before placing a small piece into her mouth.

It felt like she was chewing on sand. She didn’t know if it’s because of the medicine or her mood, but she couldn’t even detect its taste.

She slowly rolled the piece of cake in her mouth, before swallowing it back down with difficulty. In order to hide her grimacing face, she quickly picked up the teacup and used tea to wash the lump in her throat down.

Everything was a mess.

‘Really… What should I do?’

Such a period often happened. It was a period where she would fall into a meaningless sense of shame, and everything became sad. But such dejected feelings would pass by lightly like changing seasons, and had never made her feel exhausted mentally and physically like this.

‘I was obviously fine.’

She was obviously fine, until she went out.

Will she get better if she stops taking the medication?

‘No, what if I pant and collapse again like the last time?’

Did she really have to continue living inside the mansion like a sick chicken? She’d only trouble the Count, like this…was it alright for her to stay by his side?

Right, rather than that, she should do as Vieta said.

“I’m afraid that I’ll have to go back to Pahar by myself.”

At the sound of her murmur, her maids exchanged questioning glances. Vieta hesitated before opening her mouth first.

“If you return now, you’ll have to stay apart until early winter. Moreover, if my Lady isn’t at the banquet to celebrate his reappointment… The Lord would feel sad.”

“No. It’d be better off without my presence. If I stay by his side for nothing, the Count’s reputation would only get worse.”

At the calm but resolute tone, Vieta quietly closed her mouth. Ariel also felt drowsy and quietly closed her mouth.

‘Yes…’

‘Let’s return to the South.’

‘Anyways, it’s useless for me to be here.’

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