I Want To Be Your First – R19 - Chapter 77

She wasn’t okay, but she had to pretend she was okay.

 

While it’s fine just looking at him, if their bodies touch like this, her facial expressions and gestures will reveal all of her inner feelings without her realisation. Since Berthwald was quick-witted, it was clear that he would quickly recognize her intentions with even the slightest hints from her expressions.

 

As she realised that he loved him, remaining undetected was her top priority. Ariel, who had been biting her chapped lips, tried her best to speak in the most casual tone she could muster.

 

“I’m sorry, but I’ll be leaving first.”

 

“Already? You haven’t even touched your tea yet.”

 

“Oh, it’s because my head hurts a little. The Count must be busy too… I’ll see you again at dinner.”

 

As she was afraid of being caught by him again, she quickly left the study. Ignoring the voice behind calling for her, she staggered away.

 

She wandered forward in trance, relying on her cane. After walking for a long time and reaching the end of the hallway, Ariel leaned against the wall like she was about to fall apart.

 

“Like a fool. What if I really get better?”

 

She had always thought, “I hope that I wouldn’t be blinded by kindness.”

 

She should not be immersed in the affection he gives and forget about her duty. Without the status of Princess Aegis, she wouldn’t have been able to meet him, let alone get married to him. That was the only reason behind their marriage in the first place, and fulfilling their marital relationship was half out of duty and the remainder was a mistake borne from being intoxicated by lust.

 

Yes, that’s right.

 

Everything was just a part of their duties. As soon as her mental state became weird, didn’t they use separate rooms without hesitation? Including expelling her to Pahar.

 

She wondered if she was being sensitive, so she waited for contact from him, but he didn’t send her a letter, and when she suddenly came to see him, he acted coldly.

 

It was fine though. She has made up her mind to forgive him no matter what he did.

 

…But Ariel couldn’t forgive herself.

 

She already knew that his feelings had changed. But she hated herself for not liking the Berthwald that became frigid.

 

Who would even like a blind woman that was now mentally ill?

 

She hated herself for not being able to calmly accept the lack of contact, and for sending a poorly written letter.

 

‘Silly Ariel. Stupid Ariel.’

 

“…I’ve heard about that. So, that’s why the Lord has returned.”

 

The sound of someone else’s words leaked into her dazed mind.

 

‘What, someone is nearby? Was it one of the maids?’

 

‘…They wouldn’t realise that I was crying, would they?’

 

She was originally a disgraceful hostess, but her face heated up at the thought of being caught sniffing in the hallway. Ariel hurriedly wiped away her tears and quietened her breathing. She stood up with her cane supporting her and brushed out the hem of her dress lightly.

 

As she poked her head out from the edge of the wall, she saw two maids tidying the flower vases along the hallway. One of them patted the duster lightly and spoke.

 

“What do you mean, it doesn’t make sense. That’s why he returned all of a sudden?”

 

“Yes. Everyone made an uproar at the news that the consul was resigning.”

 

‘Consul… resigned?’

 

What does that mean? It was news that was unknown to her. Ariel paid rapt attention to what the maids were saying.

 

“No, other than the Madam, everyone knows that he quit the consulate, so it wasn’t any new news. But, that’s… you’re lying, right?”

 

“Is it true? They said that he resigned due to a disagreement with the Imperial Family. Rumours have already spread in the capital.”

 

“… Then, are you saying that it’s really because of the incident between the Madam and the Princess that caused a falling out?”

 

“Yes. Well, only the people in the capital mansion will know the details, but from the looks of things, it seems to really be the case.”

 

The maid that was dusting off, stopped her motions and clicked her tongue.

 

“Oh my god. If that’s true, the Lord must have been very upset. I thought since he became the consul at such a young age, he would stay in office for at least 10 years. Is that why Eva told us to not speak of this to the Madam?”

 

“It must be. I’m sure that she’ll blame herself when she hears about it.”

 

“That’s true, but…”

 

“Ehh. The Madam is pitiful, but the Lord is even more so. He didn’t think that he would lose the power he worked so hard for in vain.”

 

After that, the conversation continued in such a note, but Ariel couldn’t hear any further. Within her empty mind, there were only a few phrases floating about.

 

Consul, resignation, Imperial family.

 

She slowly put together the floating phrases.

 

He resigned from the position of consul. So that’s why he suddenly came down to Pahar. The reason for his resignation was a falling out with the Imperial family. The reason he had a falling out with the Imperial family was because of the incident between her and the princess.

 

‘…Because of me, he was at odds with the Imperial family…’

 

He resigned from the position of consul.

 

The back of her back turned cold. She bit on her trembling lower lip with her upper teeth. Tinnitus echoed in her ear.

 

“Me… Because of me. The Count… the consul…”

 

‘It’s unimaginable.’

 

‘How could this… How could such a thing happen?’

 

She suddenly felt like she was about to burst into tears, so she covered her mouth with the back of her hand.

 

His return was not what he wanted.

 

That’s why he built a wall. That’s why he was so cold.

 

“Oh my God.”

 

‘The position of consul that he had worked so hard to reach, but all because of me… If he lost it because of me…’

 

How thoughtless was she to tactlessly send a letter pressing him about when he would return, without knowledge of this.

 

She gripped the cane hard as if she was about to break it.

 

That day, if she hadn’t been kidnapped from the fountain.

 

If she hadn’t provoked the Princess in the Imperial Palace.

 

‘No…’

 

‘If he hadn’t married a woman like me…’

 

‘I ruined him.’

 

His bright and vast future was crushed by a useless woman.

 

“Count…How could I look at him face to face…?”

 

She clenched his teeth and lowered her head. Her trembling hands held the cane tightly as if it were a lifeline.

 

‘A fool who can’t even walk properly in an unfamiliar place without a cane.’

 

‘That kind of idiot married the best groom in the empire… I pushed him into despair that he can’t free himself from.’

 

Tang!

 

The cane she threw bounced on the floor with a miserable sound. The shabby appearance was like her true self, eventually causing her to burst into tears.

 

She crouched down on the floor, sobbing but lowering the volume of her cries. She didn’t even deserve to cry out loud.

 

No, even the tears wetting the carpet felt like deception.

 

Yet the tears did not stop, so she covered her mouth and curled up like a hedgehog.

 

It was not her sorrow, but tears of atonement for Berthwald.

 

══ ⋆♬⋆ ══

 

“Haah…”

 

Not long after waking up, Berthwald sighed distractedly and slowly got up from the bed.

 

He blinked a couple of times while ruffling his messy hair backwards. Every time his eyelids moved, his platinum eyelashes would reflect light and glimmer.

 

The scene of the sea and the sky interlocking could be seen through the wide-open curtains, and the cold blue colour was engraved in his eyes. Berthwald stared blankly out of the window and mumbled to himself in an annoyed tone.

 

“The sea is right in front of me, but I can’t even enjoy it. Why is there so much work to be done?”

 

Ten days have already passed since he returned to Pahar.

 

Contrary to his original plan of hanging out with Ariel to his heart’s content, Berthwald had no choice but to concentrate on his work day and night due to the matters of the County that he had put off and the multitude of visitors.

 

Mansion, office, office, mansion! It was a tedious daily life of only going back and forth between these two places.

 

He doesn’t know how had he endured before. No, it seems that the work in the past was much more interesting than it is now. Just as he was about to let out yet another long sigh with uncertainty.

 

“Good morning, My Lord.”

 

The butler, Leo, entered the room with a tea set. Afterwards, maids with toiletries, water for washing up, clothes and shoes followed in and started preparing their Lord’s breakfast.

 

After brewing the tea, Leo held out the teacup solemnly.

 

“You have woken up later than usual today. I thought you were tired, so I have prepared your morning tea strongly. Are you going straight to the office?”

 

“No. I have something to check, so I’ll have to go to the port first. Prepare a simple breakfast.”

 

“All right.”

 

“What about my wife?”

 

“Right now, she should be in the drawing room. She got up early today because it was the day the Young Duke of Aegis would be visiting her.”

 

“…Young Duke of Aegis?”

 

Berthwald furrowed his eyebrows at the news he didn’t know of.

 

Gwen came to the South? The North should be busy preparing for winter now.

 

“Are you that worried about her anxiety?”

 

No. It’s weird.

 

Setting aside Gwen, Ariel, who knew about the situation in the North better than anyone else, could not have nagged at Gwen that it would be better if she returned quickly.

 

Did something happen in the North?

 

Berthwald put down his tea and hurried through breakfast.

 

As soon as he was ready, he went down to the drawing room, but only a sole emptied teacup greeted Berthwald.

 

“What about the Madam? Where has she gone?”

 

“Oh, the Young Duke came earlier… She said that they would be walking along the beach.”

 

“Who accompanied her?”

 

“No one else followed along other than her dedicated handmaiden.”

 

A stroll along the beach?

 

Berthwald tilted his head and looked out of the window with a subtle gaze.

 

Even if it was well maintained, the road down towards the beach was very steep. If it was Gwen, who knew that Ariel was ill, she would have dissuaded her from a stroll around the mansion, but she followed along obediently?

 

He rubbed the back of his neck and turned his gaze outside. When he glanced into the room earlier, and even now, there wasn’t the slightest hint of a presence along the beach promenade.

 

Looking out of the window with an unwilling expression, Berthwald turned his gaze to the footmen that were standing with the butler.

 

“Before I leave, I should go see the Young Duke. Knox, Jade. Both of you, follow me…”

 

“Lord!”

 

A maid caught Berthwald with an urgent tone. It was Jude, who visited the Countess’ room to tidy up the room.

 

Jude gulped down her saliva and looked at the butler and Berthwald, before reaching out something with a trembling hand.

 

A white sweater woven with thin threads, and a short note.

 

“I– I found it while cleaning her bed. T–the contents…”

 

Berthwald quietly raised his hand to stop Jude from speaking. He directly reached with his hand and picked up the note the maid was holding.

 

The deep blue eyes of his coldly hardened face scanned through the note slowly. There was only one line on the note, written with characters that were hard to discern.

 

[Count. Let’s get a divorce.]