I Want To Be Your First – R19 - Chapter 89

When Ariel was young, she was so lovely…If a cute child like Ariel was born. At the thought of small Ariel hugging an even smaller version of herself, a dull ache formed in his lower chest.

With skin as white as snow and rounded eyebrows. The skin underneath her eyes would rise when she smiles and slightly upcurved eyelashes. A child with all of her mother’s characteristics.

The more children they had the better, but owing to Ariel’s weak body, he thought about having one for now.

…Since it was just a little hope of his, he could be a little greedier. Right. A boy and a girl, two children in total. If they possessed an affinity for music, in that case, one of them could learn to play the violin while the other learnt the piano. Ariel would make a great teacher, so that isn’t considered being too greedy. If they’re as talented as Ariel, they might be able to reach master classes at the age of four or five.

Then, when they’re around seven or eight, they can hold a recital in the garden of the mansion, during a lush tropical night in the summer.

Their first recital would probably be a mess. He would then approach the crying children and give them a hug while encouraging them with, ‘You can work harder next time.’ Then, Ariel would smile beside him and say, ‘Right, all the first recitals are like that.’

It would be such a picturesque and lovely family. As his delusions began to unfold, the aching sensation he felt intensified, spreading nearer to his chest. Just the thought of it made him feel this way. As expected, was it because humans were naturally weak for small and cute things?

Berthwald raised his head with a self-deprecating smile. The moment he faced Ariel like that, the expression disappeared from his face. It’s no wonder that there’s nothing that could be said.

“I’m sorry.”

Ariel, who was looking downwards with a bitter face, raised her eyebrows and the corners of her mouth twisted. In the face of her obvious expression, Berthwald barely managed an answer with a hoarse voice.

“What is there for you to be sorry about?”

“Children…I said that I didn’t want to have a child. It’s my obligation.”

“I’ve said it many times, but it doesn’t matter whether I have a successor or not.”

“…Even so…”

Ariel lowered her head quietly, perhaps finding his brusque rebuttal disappointing. Berthwald let out a barely discernible sigh.

“Ariel.”

His long, straight fingers lifted Ariel’s chin. Berthwald lowered his voice, making eye contact with her.

“The one that I love is you, and not the child that you are to give birth to. I’ve told you over and over again, but I’ve never really wanted a child. I managed to marry you, so what else do I need?”

Berthwald whispered in a blunt tone, before adding, “Those words that I said previously… It was a slip of the tongue. Please forget about it.”

His plain tone didn’t convey any particular feeling. As such, his sincerity was evident. However, what Berthwald overlooked was the face that such plain sincerity had only fueled Ariel’s feelings of guilt.

As the woman he loved wasn’t any other ordinary woman, but Ariel, Berthwald had to give up on many of the things that he deserved. He was alright with it, but Ariel wasn’t.

“Count.”

Ariel raised her hand and intertwined her fingers with his large hand that had rested on her own chin. Ariel looked down at the floor with a gloomy face and spoke her words in a more determined tone.

“In truth, I actually… I want to have children, too.”

“Didn’t I repeatedly say that it’s alright? Your body is so weak, we can live well together even if we don’t have a child.”

“When my eyes… get better.”

With a firm tone, Ariel interrupted him and grabbed his hand.

“When my eyes get better, I’ll definitely have one. I’ll definitely give birth to a pretty baby.”

A twinkle flickered in her clouded eyes. Ariel continued to chatter cheerfully with a slightly louder voice.

“I will give birth to so many children that there won’t be any empty seats at the dining table. I will personally breastfeed and bathe them, and carry them with me every day until they start walking. In spring, we’ll plant seedlings, in summer, we’ll play with sand, and in winter, we can make a snowman…”

“…Aren’t you going to do anything in autumn?”

“Ah, autumn! I’d left out autumn. In the fall, we’ll go and pick chestnuts together, as well as dry salmon, and pick up firewood… Oh, there isn’t any salmon in the South, right? Then there wouldn’t be any need for firewood. Ah, in any case. I want to spend the entire day hectically before going to sleep with my children.”

Her sullen appearance from before disappeared, and Ariel smiled excitedly before lowering her head bashfully.

“So I’ll take my medicine properly. As I want to see the Count’s face, and b–because I’m going to give birth…to our baby.”

After finishing her words in a lively manner, she raised his hand and rubbed her cheek on the back of his hand.  Her melancholic expression disappeared and a soft smile appeared on Ariel’s face.

Berthwald pulled Ariel and sat her in the middle of his thighs. Before he could comfort her, it seemed as though Ariel had already convinced herself of something.

While he didn’t know what her eyes had to do with having a child, she seemed to be feeling better, so that was reassuring enough for him. Hugging her waist, he buried his nose in the nape of her neck. As he breathed in her familiar scent to his heart’s content, his words flowed out.

“This room is actually… rather than saying that it’s my room, it’s more accurate to say that this room is used by the successors of the Janssel family. No matter when the child was born, our child would also use this room.”

Resting his chin on the top of Ariel’s head, Berthwald glanced around the room with a half-hearted gaze. While this place was pointless to him, if Ariel was willing…

“There’s something called expectation effectiveness. If you believe that it will happen and prepare diligently, wouldn’t it actually come true? This room… If you prepare in advance to welcome our baby angel. Wouldn’t your eyes get better?”

“…Is that so?”

“The heavens favours those that are prepared. What else could it be if it wasn’t?”

Ariel muttered something to herself in an inaudible voice, before leaning her torso onto Berthwald’s body.

When she mumbled to herself, ”To those that are prepared…”  with quite a serious expression, Berthwald readily locked her in his embrace and smiled faintly while looking downwards at her.

“How about it?”

“…That… sounds like a really good idea.”

Ariel grinned as she clasped her palms clumsily.

“Actually, about this room. It was a little regrettable that this room was unused. When I’m seated here, the mixture of Count’s scent and the baby’s scent was really nice… It felt like it was left here and being neglected.”

“My wife can use it. Would you like to change rooms immediately?”

“Ah! That’s a little!”

Ariel waved her hand panickedly. Just as Berthwald was about to sarcastically say that they could do it whenever she wants, so there’s no need to reject him like that, Ariel’s waving hands came to a stop by her ears while her eyes darted all over the place.

“That’s… You can’t do that in a room that smells like a baby. It isn’t right.”

Berthwald tilted his head to the side and pondered over what she was referring to, before slowly closing his eyes and smiling.

“Who said that it isn’t possible? It doesn’t matter. I think that I can do it beside a baby.”

“Count! How can you say such vulgar words!”

Ariel looked at Berthwald with her eyes wide open. At her startled expression that was rarely seen, Berthwald felt quite embarrassed, wondering whether his joke was too much.

Despite him apologising that it was a joke, Ariel’s expression didn’t ease and she scolded Berthwald, saying, “How can you do that, next to a child!”

Berthwald merely bowed his head and received her scolding. Although he could retort and cause the situation to pass quickly, as Ariel was exceptionally conservative, it was better to humour her in such situations.

As Berthwald thought about what position he would use to torment her at night, he repeatedly said, “I’m sorry,” insincerely.

“I’m not going to do anything like that here, so don’t worry and let’s return to the main topic. So, does my wife have any thoughts on how she’d like to utilise it?”

“Oh, this room?”

“Yes.”

“Hmm. Since it’s the room that each generation’s successor had occupied. Just as the Count had mentioned, it would be better to use this room as a nursery.”

“In that case, I will order for it to be overhauled tomorrow. Fresh plastering, new carpeting and even replacing all the furniture with new ones. If new curtains are hung up, it will make this room unrecognisable from before.”

“Wow, would it? I’m looking forward to it… !”

While looking around the room with an excited expression, Ariel said that she wanted the wallpaper to be as cute as possible, and that she should knit a new curtain lace. Just as she chattered on happily with twinkling eyes, Ariel suddenly lowered her head with a sullen expression.

“But if my eyes don’t get better at all even after doing all this…if my eyes don’t get better even after waiting for a long time, and the baby angel doesn’t come, what shall we do when the furniture becomes worn out?”

“We can just buy a new one?”

“Goodness, if you treat things so carelessly, it can’t be used. In the North.”

“Excuse me,” said Berthwald, cutting into Ariel’s words.

“While it’s like that in the North, this is the South. Only with the continued consumption of the wealthy like us will businesses selling products for babies make money, and wouldn’t these businesses be able to make better products with the money they earned? With the increase in the quality of goods, they will purchase materials in order to create products, and as such, the materials manufacturer and distributor would be able to earn money together. This is none other than the organised cycle of commerce.”

“Organised cycle… is that right?”

“That’s right. While the aristocrats that manage land belittles the gentry that adopted commerce and finds them vulgar, the world doesn’t revolve around wheat, but money. As such, the bourgeois’ spending shouldn’t be slandered as extravagance. Ultimately, the money that they squandered doesn’t reach neither the Imperial Family, nor the gentry, but the commoners.”

“Oh, that’s true.”

“Only when the organised cycle has solidified, can commerce and industry develop. This is something important to keep in mind, especially in Pahar, where the main industries are trade and commerce. So, shouldn’t my wife set an example, as the mistress of the estate?”

As he spoke eloquently about spending money, Berthwald crooked his finger and gently brushed through Ariel’s hair.

“As such, please don’t continue wearing your old dresses, but throw away your old shoes, don’t collect the water for washing in order to water the plants, and don’t steal the servant’s snacks.“

“T–the last one is a misunderstanding! I didn’t steal it, but shared it with them!”

“In any case, I hope that you’ll maintain your dignity as the Countess. Frugality is a virtue, but frugality in excess would make you seem stingy. Please, even if it’s for my sake.”

Looking up at him with a disapproving look, Ariel reluctantly nodded. Satisfied, Berthwald then smiled and spoke, “Ariel.”

“Yes?”

“Have you remained in the mansion ever since you came down to Pahar?”

“Ah… that’s not true. Why, didn’t I leave home not too long ago? At that time.”

“…Other than that.”

“Uhm, then… Yes. Other than that day, when I went to the dock to board the ship, I’ve always stayed in the mansion.”

“In that case, you haven’t been to the free market in Rach, have you?”

“The free market? Is it that huge market before entering the port?”

At his words mentioning a market, Ariel turned her head and looked upwards at Berthwald.