I Want to Smile Beside you in the Spring That I Haven’t Seen Yet - CH 1.2

“I’m only thinking in your best interest. I’m saying this so harshly so that you won’t regret it two years from now. Do you understand?”

“Yes……”

“Then you should think seriously about it.”

“I’m thinking seriously about it, but I can’t get an answer. I’m not sure if I’m being serious, or if I’m not being serious at all compared to everyone else.”

“And you should also talk to your parents about it,” he added.

Hearing what the teacher added, I felt my spirits grow even heavier. I was annoyed, but I stifled my urge to sigh and nodded yes again.

“Think about it, it’s your future. I’m sure you’ll be able to find a way to get a job in the future. Some people write things like voice actors, idols, actresses, and other dreamy things on their application forms, but those are really narrowly chosen. You may think you want to be a showbiz star, but it’s not that easy, you understand?”

I wanted to argue that I was not flirtatious and messing around, but I swallowed my words.

I have often been told that in the past. I don’t wear make-up or have pierced ears, but because of the flamboyant nature of my face, my friends and teachers think I’m flirtatious.

I just get up a little earlier, set my hair properly, and fold my skirt once to make it a little shorter, just like any other girl.

“Well, I’ll call you again some time next week. Think hard before then and find something you want to do next time.”

I knew that no matter how much I thought about it, it would be impossible, but my mouth still uttered the words, “I understand,” and I bowed my head.

As soon as I left the guidance office and closed the door, I felt exhausted. The corridor, with the outside air creeping in through the window glass, was considerably colder than the room, and my back shivered.

I sighed heavily, closed my eyes, bowed my head down, and waited for my disturbed feelings to subside.

But then I heard footsteps coming from the other side, and I looked up in a hurry. I couldn’t let them see me like this. I slapped my cheek to get myself back on track.

As I walked toward the classroom building, the teacher’s words kept spinning around in my head.

“Find what you want to do and decide on a career path. This is something we are told in both elementary and junior high school, and it is something that is not taken for granted. Something that everyone is able to do as a matter of course.”

And yet, I just can’t seem to get it right.

When I was in kindergarten, I used to innocently dream of becoming a “cake shop” or a “flower shop,” but before I knew it, I lost the ability to dream. When did this happen? The future that used to shine so brightly in the past is now completely muddied, and it has become a melancholy existence that just thinking about it is depressing and weighs on my mind.

It is terribly difficult for me to dream, to find what I want to do and what I want to be, and every time I think about it, I feel as if I am standing in front of a high, high wall.

In the first place, I wonder if what I want to do is something that I have to “find”. I thought that what you really want to do is what you naturally want to do. When I am desperately searching for something, I feel that it is no longer what I want to do.

If I were to desperately research and decide what I want to do before the next interview, it would probably just be a contrivance. It would not something I really want to do.

The more I thought about it, the heavier I felt, and I sighed again.

When I returned to the classroom with sluggish steps, Kana and Nanami greeted me.

“Good morning, Haruka,” they said.

“Oh, you’ve been waiting for me?”

“Of course!”

I let out a thanks and went over to them. Kana smiled and hugged me. She likes ‘skinship’.

“I’m sorry I’m late, the conversation took so long.”

“I was watching a video, so it didn’t take long. Right, Nanami?”

“Yeah, it was quick.”

Nanami nods with a smile on her face.

“Oh, thank you,”

I smiled and sat down next to them.

Kana is gorgeous and bright, and Nanami is a beauty with her fluffy skin; she’s more like a quick-witted older sister. They were the first friends I made after entering high school.

On the day of the entrance ceremony, as soon as my class was announced, I was approached by two girls who had originally been close to me my junior high school. From that moment on, they stood out from the other students around them with their hair and uniforms.

I am not so much a shy person, but I have to work up a lot of courage to talk to people I don’t know, so I was very grateful that these girls were so open to talking to me.

We exchanged contact information that day, and the next day, I was invited to go out together with them, just the three of us.

After a while, another childhood friend of mine joined us, and the four of us are always together. We are in a bit of a delicate situation at the moment.