I’d Give Up The World For You - Chapter 209

Amy adjusted her glasses before looking at him seriously. “Leo, you can’t control someone else’s feelings for you. I hope you know that.”

Rukelion couldn’t explain that he knew Daisy was capable of loving him again because she had before. This was nothing more than a time issue. She needed longer, that was all. It had taken her seven years the first time because she had viewed him as a child but she had loved him even if it wasn’t in the way he wanted back then.

This time she already saw him as an adult and was attracted to him at least somewhat. What she needed was to think of him as her best friend again. Then nothing would be stopping things from being the way they were before.

“You don’t get it,” he sighed.

“What am I not getting?” Amy asked. “It sounds to me that you’re in a vaguely sexual relationship with a strong emotional connection lacking commitment. And you think that the only reason she isn’t committing is because you’re struggling with your mental health. Is that correct?”

That was part of it but it wasn’t the only reason. Rukelion knew Daisy wasn’t committing because she was afraid of being left behind again. She didn’t trust him yet and he thought she would trust him more if he wasn’t so emotionally unstable.

That was certainly the impression she gave off considering she said he could only stay if he went to therapy. She didn’t seem to want to deal with his issues now much more than she had when they last fought before she died. Though they were vastly different ones now.

Before he had been so focused on his revenge, hatred, and making up for what he lost that he hadn’t taken her feelings into consideration as much as he should have. She was upset with him because she thought he would make her a priority for the first time in her life and then didn’t.

Now she didn’t know him very well and had to deal with his much worsened trauma after finding out he was a fictional character, watching her die, and having to deal with her memory loss. He could admit it: he was a wreck.

Rukelion didn’t want to inconvenience Daisy. He wanted to make her life better. He wanted her to have everything she ever wanted and then some since she hadn’t been able to have that due to his selfishness before. He had broken his promises to her and he had to make up for that even if it took the rest of his life.

“Yes and no,” he said hesitantly. “But is this relevant?”

Amy nodded. “I don’t want you to pin all your hopes on one person because we can’t control the actions or feelings of others.”

It was far too late for that. Daisy had been his only reason for living for longer than he could remember. According to the novel where he hadn’t met her, he burned the entire world to the ground after losing his mind and then got killed for it by Ira and his friends.

Rukelion hadn’t wanted to believe he would do something like that but being here and dealing with his wife’s memory loss had tested that belief. He felt plenty crazy without her love and he had been having difficulties controlling his fire when he was upset. Knowing that, it became plausible that he had burned the world down by accident.

This wasn’t what he was here to talk about. This woman didn’t understand the complexities of his relationship with Daisy and never would so he didn’t want her judging them.

He changed the subject. “Do I have PTSD?”

Amy accepted it without pushing the previous topic further. Thankfully. “I’ll have to run through a list of symptoms with you. I need you to be as truthful as possible as I go over everything.”

“That’s fine.”

She asked him a lot of questions, starting with how often he had nightmares and how long they had been going on. She also asked about specific traumatic events and when they had happened. He gave no details but said the first traumatic event happened when he was twelve and the second was about six months ago.

At the end of her little question-and-answer session Amy looked down at her clipboard before looking back at him. She spoke in a matter-of-fact tone.

“You certainly fit the diagnostic criteria for PTSD. This has been affecting you for nearly half of your life, though based on what you told me it wasn’t as serious at first because you were suppressing it so much. It seems to me that you were already on a downward spiral before the second traumatic event came along and made things worse. Would you agree with that?”

“Yes,” Rukelion said reluctantly, fiddling with the strings on his hoodie.

“I take it you know what triggered that?”

“Yes.”

“Since this original spiral was related to the first traumatic event can you tell me a little bit of what that entailed?” Amy asked.

He couldn’t talk about magic or Katalya but he could repeat what he had told Daisy. “My entire family was murdered in front of me and I had to play dead in order to avoid the same fate. Is that traumatic enough for you?”

“I see. I know it probably won’t mean anything but I’m very sorry for your loss.”

“You’re right. It doesn’t.”

Amy continued as if she hadn’t heard him. “What was it that triggered you before the second traumatic event?”

Rukelion felt his hands heating up and had to concentrate very hard not to let them burst into flame. He couldn’t do that here. If his therapist knew he had unstable fire powers he would probably be branded as dangerous and he didn’t need that in this world too.

“I saw the murderer again. He killed two other people in front of me the exact same way my family died. So, yes, I haven’t been doing very well since then. What more do you want from me?”

“Nothing,” Amy said. “Take some deep breaths. Inhale counting to five and exhale counting to seven.”

He did as she said and slowly felt himself relax a little. His rigid posture loosened slightly. He couldn’t believe that actually worked; he would have to remember that.

“We’re going to end the session here for today. If you feel yourself getting agitated again try the breathing exercise we did just now. I’m going to teach you more next time. You have to learn to calm yourself down; you can’t rely on Daisy for everything,” she told him.

Rukelion was momentarily angry but it fizzled quickly. He didn’t want to rely on her for everything. That was part of why he was here. He wanted to get better so he didn’t burden her anymore.

What he didn’t like was the implication that he shouldn’t cling to her as his guiding light and should live for himself. His life had been forfeit the day he lost everything.

Anything that mattered to him had been put on the back burner as he focused on avenging Katalya. He told himself repeatedly that once that was done he could live for himself and be happy with Daisy but that didn’t end up happening either because of the demands of being king.

Now that he found her again he needed to make her fall in love with him in order to be happy. Amy didn’t understand that everything he was doing to appease Daisy was for his own well-being.

Rukelion reluctantly set up another appointment on his way out then texted Daisy to come get him. That had been horrible. Did he truly have to do this every week?

Wouldn’t bringing everything to the forefront of his mind all the time make things worse? He had wondered briefly between their fight and that horrid ice mage going on her deadly rampage if talking about it more would help deaden his feelings to it. Perhaps that was the point of therapy.

That had been before his mental state got much worse though. These days he was concerned that the tiniest thing could set him off and make him unconsciously produce fire. That would not do in a world without magic.

When Daisy came to get him he collapsed onto her shoulder. Rukelion couldn’t remember the last time he had been this exhausted.

She reached up to pat his back sympathetically. “You okay?”

“No.”

“I’m sorry. Come on, let’s go home.”

She wrapped her arm around his waist and led him out to the car. He certainly wasn’t complaining about the contact. In fact, he savored it. He felt a little better already. His wife had always had that effect on him.

They went home and both changed into their pajamas before Daisy turned on a movie. She patted her lap. “Go ahead and use me as a pillow for a while. I’ve got you.”

Rukelion curled on his side and did as she said immediately. She idly played with his hair as she watched but his mind wasn’t on the movie at all. He closed his eyes and for a moment allowed himself to believe that she loved him again.. With those happy thoughts in his head he was able to drift off to sleep.