If I Can’t Be Your Wife - Chapter 80

‘I killed her.’

 

The blood vessels in his body were pounding as if they were about to burst.

 

Her heart would have stopped and gone cold all alone in the North, and the fact that his heart was unchanged, beating and alive, caused him unbearable pain.

 

If he could, he wanted to pull his own heart out and put it in her chest. He tore at his chest. The skin around it, which was covered with a thin robe, tore open and blood gushed out.

 

Peter, unable to watch it any longer, came closer and pulled his hand away.

 

“Please stop! Are you really trying to die?”

 

The golden eyes staring at her were empty. She doubted whether or not he had understood what she was saying. Peter clenched her teeth and said harshly.

 

“Will Kathleen come back alive if you act like that? It’s not like you did anything to prevent it before.”

 

“…..”

 

“Why didn’t you change until the end? Since you already forced her to stay, you should have been honest from the beginning!”

 

Before Kathleen left Meyer, the note she left as she said goodbye to Peter contained the details of the circumstances. Peter was both sad and resentful of her half-brother for missing his second chance. She was also sad because she couldn’t begin to fathom her feelings of being betrayed twice.

 

“You don’t even deserve to die.”

 

She grabbed Alexis’ arm and pulled him up.

 

“Protect the child she left behind. Older brother is Luci’s father.”

 

Even after Kathleen’s secret was revealed, Alexis did not respond.

 

“Brother?”

 

The moment Peter sensed something strange and shook his shoulder with strength, Alexis collapsed.

 

“Brother!”

 

Hearing a clunk sound accompanied by a shout, the door swung open and the people waiting outside rushed in.

 

Grand Duke Walten had lost consciousness and his chest was stained with blood whilst the emperor embraced him. Everyone who saw the long sword fall to the floor was shocked. Dr. Cavel shouted.

 

“Quickly, move him to the bed!”

 

The knights rushed in and carried the Grand Duke, and a maid came in hurriedly to grab Luci from the bed.

 

“Uwaa!”

 

The Walten heir, held in the arms of an unfamiliar maid, burst into tears, and for a long time like that, the child’s cries did not stop in the grand duke’s residence. As if he was mourning the death of his mother.

 

***

 

The earthquake in the Carmine Mountains lasted for two months. In the meantime, the emperor issued a strict order to prevent anyone from approaching the place.

 

The good news was that the earthquake only occurred in Carmine and other mountainous regions and did not extend to the plains or the capital, Meyer.

 

As the emperor, Peter lifted the ban on entry only after receiving the report that vibrations were no longer felt.

 

Only then did the gates to the silent residence of the Grand Duke re-opened.

 

“Your Majesty, a letter came from Grand Duke Walten’s residence.”

 

Count Schenberg brought her the letter. Peter, who was frantically handling national affairs, buried in piles of documents, quickly raised her head.

 

“From older brother?”

 

The letter he brought was certainly stamped with wax bearing the crest of the Walten family.

 

‘Why did you send a letter instead of coming yourself?’

 

After falling unconscious two months ago, the first thing Alexis Walten did when he woke up was to execute the commander of the knights who stopped him in the north.

 

The reason was justified. He disobeyed his master’s orders as the leader of the escort knights and inflicted harm to his body.

 

The second thing Alexis did was submit a request to Peter to allow him to leave for the Carmine Mountains.

 

Peter rejected it, stating that the trip to the north could be dangerous. Alexis protested.

 

The butler Alsdorf sent a message to the imperial palace and was able to stop him from pulling a horse and preparing to leave immediately by himself.

 

The third thing Alexis did was lock the gates to the Grand Duke’s residence.

 

Like he did when he was with Kathleen, he refused to meet anyone and did not go out. Even when Peter sent people, he remained in seclusion and did not open his doors.

 

For a while, there was talk of whether Grand Duke Walten had gone insane for wanting to go on such a journey. Others murmured that the emperor was persecuting his half-brother in order to seize complete imperial power.

 

The misunderstanding was fine, but Peter was concerned about her brother’s frustrations, which she had seen for the first time in her life. Which was why she thought that as soon as the ban to the North was over, he would run to the imperial palace and blame or threaten her. But that was not the case, he just sent a one-page letter.

 

As she opened the letter anxiously, there were only two sentences.

 

[Send a search party to find Kathleen’s body. It may not appear if they’re sent from Walten.]

 

The letter didn’t say to send it to him once found. Peter realized that he couldn’t write those words down.

 

He was afraid to face the woman who wanted to escape from him even if it meant death.

Peter ordered as the letter stated.

 

“Count Schenberg, send an expedition team to the Carmine Mountains to find the body of Grand Duchess Walten.”

 

“Your Majesty is sending it? Not the Grand Duke?”

 

“Yes, it will be sent from the Imperial Palace. And…..”

 

Peter recalled the eyes of Kathleen she had seen as they parted, and added.

 

“If you find the body, recover it, build a grave and mark the location on the map so we can go back. Then return.”

 

“I understand.”

 

After Count Schenberg left, Peter looked down at the pile of papers again, but the quill in her hand did not move.

 

‘Were you grieving while you stayed home?’

 

The gates to the Grand Duke’s were opened, but Alexis did not come and show his face so there was no way to know what condition he was in.

 

She reminded him of Luci when she went there so he probably hasn’t gone crazy like he did last time saying that he was going to die with a sword, but perhaps he still hasn’t taken his medicine properly…..

 

“Ah…!”

 

In an instant, Peter remembered a fact she had forgotten. There were two reasons why she had left young Luci with Alexis, who was still not completely healed.

 

The child had to be treated by the foreign pharmacist for the poison he had inherited from his father. He also needed to be the life sustaining rope for his father to hang onto, as he had a face that resembled his mother.

 

‘But right now, Luci’s face isn’t real.’

 

The fake face that Joseph had made could change at any time the moment the child became aware. How will Alexis react if the face of the child resembling Kathleen changed to his own?

 

He couldn’t be sure.

 

Peter got up quickly. The chair fell to the floor, but without realizing it, she ran out of the office.

 

***

 

Alexis woke up in a bedroom without a single ray of light.

 

As he slept, he wished countless times to be rid of breath, but when he woke up again, he felt cold air rushing into his lungs.

 

He blankly chewed on each of the words she had left behind.

 

-Don’t use poison as an excuse, Alexis Walten. You are just a person who only thinks of yourself.

-I want to get away from you now.

 

Each word was engraved into his head as if it had been struck by iron, and he could not forget it.

 

Poison.

 

Excuse.

 

I want to get away…..

 

The moment she chose to lose her life, she said them without hesitation. The light blue eyes that were his salvation spat out resentment against him.

 

Since when did you know?

Why did you pretend you didn’t know?

 

Only those questions filled and floated in his head. Following his habit, he got up from the bedroom, changed clothes, and headed to the office, but the questions that he couldn’t get rid of remained.

 

“Your Highness.”

 

Alsdorf was waiting in front of the office with a worried look on his face.

 

“Please have a meal.”

 

“I ate, so get out of my way.”

 

“Drinking a glass of water isn’t enough.”

 

The butler, who had served him faithfully, did not move out of the path and had an attitude as stubborn as ever.

 

“You haven’t had a proper meal for two months. Please eat properly at least once. I beg you. Go to the dining room and…”

 

Just as he was about to pass him by, Alexis thought of something and stopped.

 

“Alsdorf.”

 

“Yes, Your Highness.”

 

“Did Kathleen ever ask about my being poisoned?”

 

The old butler’s face, who was approaching with a smile, froze and nodded slowly.

 

“… Yes. She once asked.”

 

“Did you tell her?”

 

“No. How dare I… But she seems to have guessed it to some extent already.”

 

“When was that?”

 

“It’s from the time Your Highness gave her permission to enter the library.”

 

It was a long time ago.

 

A sense of shock and loss came crashing down like a strong wave. She stayed by his side even though she had known about his condition for a very long time. Ironically, as he struggled to tie her hands and feet and cover her eyes, she closed her eyes and tried to forgive him, even though she knew all the secrets he was trying to hide.

 

What did I do to her?

 

He should have trusted her and confided in her. He should have told the truth and tried to be understood, rather than hiding it somehow because he didn’t want to expose his sickly and ugly inner side to her.

 

It was completely my fault.

 

The moment he realized that again, his heart raced. Alexis grabbed his chest and took in rough breaths.

 

“Your Highness! Are you okay?”

 

He refused Alsdorf’s support. He couldn’t stand it and wanted to see her. He wanted to repent for his sins and seek her forgiveness. He would do it hundreds or thousands of times, if only it could undo her death.

 

But the more he yearned, the clearer Kathleen’s death came, suffocating him.

 

“Where is Luci?”

 

Alexis asked in a cracked voice.

 

He had to look at the child.

 

The only trace she left behind.

 

He could only breathe once he saw those smiling eyes in front of him, even for a moment. Like a plant growing on a drop of rain in the desert. Alexis loved the child because he was her son.

 

“Y-Young Master must be in the bedroom.”

 

He staggered and ran up the stairs before Alsdorf could even finish speaking.

 

“Master!”

 

Emily and the nanny were startled and got up hastily from their seats when the door suddenly opened. Alexis’ bloodshot eyes hurriedly looked for the child.

 

Luci was sitting on a chair with his back from the door, holding something in his hand and looking at it.

 

Silver hair, light blue eyes, with his forehead, eyebrows, nose, and mouth closely resembling his mother’s…

 

Alexis walked towards the child one step at a time, eager for the last salvation that had been arranged for him, and slowly called out his name.

 

“Luci.”

 

Then the child looked back. As always, his pale blue eyes turned round the moment he spotted him. At that sight, his heart, which had been constricted, finally found a chance to breathe. Alexis, who was about to smile by moving the muscles around his mouth, stopped as if he had frozen.

 

The child’s face was changing.