If I Don’t Get Married I’ll Die - Chapter 41

Kalius nodded gently.

 

“Of course. Because I led the situation to be so.”

 

“I knew it.”

 

Not long after I discussed my marriage with him, Kavala suddenly changed my marriage partner.

 

“But.”

 

I hesitated a little, contemplating whether to speak or not.

 

‘Up to what extent can I be honest with you? How much can I trust you?’

 

I remembered the promise I made while holding onto Cal.

 

“Cal, you and I are the only ones I believe in now. I won’t trust anyone else and live foolishly again.”

 

I trusted Andrea and Kavala and suffered a painful betrayal.

 

The only one who didn’t betray me until the moment I died was Cal.

 

‘It hasn’t been long since I made that promise and now I’m about to trust someone else again?’

 

The anxiety lurking inside mocked me.

 

‘People I’ve known all my life have deceived and betrayed me, yet it hasn’t been long since I’ve known that man. Am I going to repeat my st***d actions again just because he was nice to me for the past few days?’

 

I clenched my fists.

 

‘I can’t trust anyone. I don’t want to go through the same pain again.’

 

Don’t I already know from experiencing it in my past life? My ability to discern between trustworthy and untrustworthy people is remarkably low.

 

If you can’t see, it’s safest to curl up in a room.

 

In the same vein, trusting no one but Cal felt like the best way to protect myself.

 

It’s extreme, but it’s foolproof, is it not?

 

I can still barely sleep at night, trembling in fear from the pain of being killed by those whom I trusted the most.

 

The only thing going through my mind is that I didn’t want to be hurt anymore.

 

But why am I remembering what Lhasa told me right now?

 

“You have to believe in yourself.”

 

At the moment, believing in myself felt like the hardest thing to do.

 

My heart told me to trust Kalius and tell him my secrets to get some support and help, but my experience was warning me that it was too risky.

 

Did believing in myself mean to trust my experience? Or did she mean to trust my heart?

 

“Don’t hesitate to do what you think is right.”

 

Lhasa’s resolute gaze overlapped with that of Kalius looking at me.

 

There was no sense of disharmony in his warm eyes, kind demeanor, and friendly jokes.

 

It was a completely different feeling than when Andrea or Kavala were nice to me.

 

Saying thank you whenever I was with Kalius.

 

On the other hand, I used to beg Andrea like a habit.

 

“Can’t you do this yourself? Hey, just don’t do anything. Staying still is helping. Your older brother will take care of it.”

 

“I’m sorry, brother……. it’s because I am useless.”

 

“It’s fine, as long as you know. You should really know how to appreciate me. What a blessing it is to you, to have an older brother like me.”

 

I was helpless and unable to do anything in front of Andrea. I resented myself like that.

 

But ever since I had Kalius with me, I’ve been brave enough to try things.

 

He made me challenge myself and eat unfamiliar food with my bare hands, not letting me give up, and had me lie snugly in an unfamiliar and uncomfortable bed.

 

It was all thanks to Kalius that I did not quit this journey to Lonheim.

 

His kind explanations made me feel more curious than fearful about new things, and thanks to his meticulous attention to my physical condition, I was able to come this far without getting too tired.

 

‘Yes, he’s definitely different.’

 

The reason I want to open up to Kalius isn’t just because he looks like Cal.

 

That’s the conclusion I came to.

 

After hesitating and thinking for a long time, I said,

 

“Are you aware that the Queen does not trust me?”

 

“I surmised. She was probably the reason why you wanted to leave the imperial palace.”

 

“Then do you know that I will have to pretend to cooperate with Kavala for the time being?”

 

I wasn’t sure if he would believe me that I had to pretend and that I really didn’t intend to cooperate.

 

I still don’t know how Kavala will pressure me or how she will react to my betrayal.

 

But I’m sure she wouldn’t have sent me to Lonheim without preparing countermeasures.

 

‘She won’t be satisfied with just having the maids beat me. If she doesn’t get her way, they must have a way to forcibly manipulate me.’

 

Until I find out what traps she had set for me and remove them, I would have to pretend to cooperate with her.

 

I don’t know if Kalius would understand that, or if he would think that I was lying to play as a double agent.

 

I thought about how to explain it to him so that he would believe me.

 

I was busy thinking of a way to make him understand how much I hated Kavala and Andrea, without mentioning my death in my past life.

 

Contrary to my expectations, however, Kalius did not ask me the question “Why?”.

 

“Are the maids you brought here spying on you?”

 

“You’re saying…… you believe me.”

 

“If I don’t trust my wife, who will I trust?”

 

Then he smiled as he said that.

 

I was speechless.

 

The complicated thoughts of how to make him believe my words became pointless in an instant.

 

He believed his wife’s words.

 

During my last life, throughout my marriage of about ten years, Viscount Pelsus never trusted me, even for a moment.

 

Far from believing me, he treated me like a crazed woman and took everything I said as nonsense.

 

He never listened to me about anything, and he found it frustrating to even hear my voice.

 

But Kalius was listening to my every word.

 

Even though I could not provide clear proof that he could believe in.

 

Somehow, it felt like I was on the verge of tears, so I shifted my gaze from looking at him and stared at the firewood burning in the furnace.

 

“What if I am deceiving you…….”

 

“People who want to deceive don’t say that.”

 

He laughed flatly.

 

“Besides, your expression didn’t look comfortable when you were dealing with the maids.”

 

When did you even look at my expression?

 

Kalius looked at my face.

 

“Are you crying?”

 

“My eyes are just sore after looking at the fire for a long time.”

 

I shook my head and wiped the tears in my eyes.

 

I flashed a light smile to show that I was okay, took a deep breath, and said.

 

“My maids are watching Kalius, not me. Because the queen doesn’t trust me in anything. She thinks I’m st***d.”

 

I raised my head and looked at Kalius.

 

“They are scouring Lonheim to find a justification to get rid of you. Be careful.”

 

However, his expression was more amused than serious.

 

“Worry not. I know better than anyone what her goal is. She won’t be able to do anything to me until she gets it. I have no intention of giving it away so easily.”

 

I knew that Kavala and Andrea wanted Kalius’ life.

 

Andrea had wanted to kill Kalius before.

 

But Kalius was talking as if they wanted something other than his life.

 

‘Am I just seeing things? Or am I mistaken?’

 

In any case, he seemed wary of Kavala, so he didn’t need to be more careful.

 

I hugged my knees and murmured softly.

 

“Thank you. For trusting me.”

 

Did he not hear my voice? There was no answer from him.

 

But it didn’t matter if he couldn’t hear it. I just wanted to get my feelings out there.

 

But after being quiet for a while, he murmured softly, just like I did.

 

“Please forgive me. I know my knights are suspicious of you, but I’m letting them be.”

 

I rested my face on my knees and looked at him.

 

“No wonder the Lonheimians hate me.”

 

“They wouldn’t if they knew you yourself wanted to get away from the Idelian imperial family. I knew, but I didn’t explain it to my subordinates, so I must apologize.”

 

“Why aren’t you telling them?”

 

I couldn’t help but ask. Because of the sad look in his eyes as he spoke of his men.

 

“It’s because I still lack the overall qualities as their leader.”

 

They were words too ambiguous for me to understand.

 

I didn’t pry any further.

 

“Looks like you have a situation of your own.”

 

Just as I can’t tell him that I’ve regressed, he won’t be able to tell me everything.

 

It was an issue separate from trust.

 

‘I’ll never be able to tell anyone what I’ve been through in my past life.’

 

Not only is it a story that is too painful to bring up, but it is also a shameful past that I want to erase from my memory.

 

My tiny pride wouldn’t allow it.

 

And because I have secrets of my own that I wish to hide, I understood that he also had his.

 

“There are circumstances that cannot be shared with anyone.”

 

I looked at him.

 

I wanted to assure him that it was okay.

 

Just as Lamia comforted me and whispered to me when I was panicking.

 

I felt an indescribable relief then. As if I had been bewitched.

 

I wanted to convey that feeling to Kalius as well.

 

But I wasn’t sure.

 

‘Can I comfort this person like Lamia did?’

 

I wondered if someone like me would be able to give someone such great comfort.

 

I couldn’t speak and just looked at Kalius, hoping that my feelings would reach him.

 

Somehow, he also looked at me for a long time.

 

Only the sound of the firewood burning warmly filled our silence.