If Only I Could Disappear - Chapter 0

Sotis Marigold Mendez loved a certain man for a very long time, and with remarkable diligence.

In her eyes, that man was a statue that came to life, one that’s carefully carved by God. His bright golden hair, which seemed to be made from spun strands of concentrated midday sunlight, always attracted her gaze, and his black eyes were as deep and dark as the everlasting night, captivating her. Even the indifferent and insensitive expression on his face seemed authoritative and determined.

Sotis would have such a thought when she saw her husband and the man who would become the Emperor of the Mendez Empire, Edmund Lez Setton Mendez.

How wonderful would it be if that man smiled brightly.

Her love started with a desire to see that man smile.

“Why are you staring at me like that?”

But that man was as cold as the snow-capped mountains that wouldn’t melt.

“You don’t have to look at me like that. This isn’t the Marigold Duchy. Even if you glare at me like that, this isn’t a place where everything will go your way.”

Even if Sotis didn’t say anything, Edmund would always have an irritated expression, as though he’d heard a hundred words of reproach and a thousand complaints.

“Don’t you think you’ll be able to achieve anything just by sitting there gracefully? Since you’ve managed to win the position of Empress without any competition, is there anything in this world that you cannot have?”

Whenever this happened, Sotis smiled silently, lowering her closed eyes.

There was.

If only you would smile at me just once.

I hope that you would call me by my name warmly once, and not look at me with an irritated expression, but with joy.

But Sotis was unable to mention what she wanted to say, and just responded simply.

“……I’ve heard that a delegation from the Setonne Kingdom in the Northeast will arrive tomorrow, Your Majesty. The Fourth Prince of Setonne will come as the delegation’s representative, and I hope that more attention will be given than in the past as it’s his first time coming to Mendez.”

Edmund responded huffily.

“Mendez has always treated Setonne as an old friend. I’ve also received letters of gratitude for our hospitality, so why are you suddenly saying that it isn’t enough when it has never been insufficient?”

“I’d heard that the Fourth Prince of Setonne is looking for a marriage partner. And he wants to further solidify the friendship between the two countries through a marriage with the Mendez Empire.”

Sotis answered calmly and looked up into Edmund’s black eyes.

The Empress’s words were unmistakably the truth.

This information was  from her father, the Duke of Marigold, who excelled at dealing with information, was certain of.

The fourth prince owned all rights to a mine, had immeasurable wealth and jewels under his feet. The Duke of Marigold even felt regret that he couldn’t bring his wealth in through a marriage. As the duke only had two daughters, Sotis, the first was made an empress, and the second was married to the head of Mendez’s largest merchant group.

“Is there a need to display to someone, who might become a relative to the Mendez’s Imperial Family, the awkward relationship between the Emperor and the Empress? Tomorrow…”

Whenever she said something lamentable, her mouth became dry and her fingertips felt numb. With a brief inhale, Sotis quickly spoke.

“…… Please allow me to receive the delegation alongside you, Your Majesty.”

Although it was a courageous proposal, this kind of earnest request was, in fact, something new.

It was a rule for the emperor to be accompanied by the empress whenever there’s an important national event. No matter their feelings, they were akin to the faces of the Empire, and the Empress wasn’t just the Emperor’s wife, but also the Lady of the Imperial Family that took charge of the country’s affairs with him.

He was handling matters unreasonably by excluding her without a justifiable reason, and at the same time, it was the perfect attitude to stigmatise a member of the Imperial Family as being disloyal to their marriage.

However, Edmund immediately refused with a disinclined face.

“No.”

“…… Your Majesty, this isn’t something that you should decide based on personal emotions.”

Sotis’ light blue eyes looked up at Edmund earnestly, but the Emperor did not even snort.

“The Princes of Setonne are also my old friends. There isn’t anyone that doesn’t know that I don’t have a shred of feelings for you anyways, and you’re seated there not because of me, but for the sake of your wealth and reputation. As such, is there a need to put on an act when there isn’t an audience? For who’s sake? For the sake of your vanity?”

Each word flew at her like sharp thorns.

“Isn’t the Empress’ body weak? Didn’t you collapse at the Empress’ Palace out of nowhere a few days ago? As such, don’t overdo it tomorrow and rest well.”

Sotis bowed her head without saying a word. The nobles that were passing by looked at two people that were standing in the central main palace. Some of them might have heard their conversation, and even snickered while covering their mouths with fans

She, whose face was turned aflame, wanted to disappear without a trace.

“……Do as you please, Your Majesty.”

Sotis didn’t want to be embarrassed any further, gave up on trying to persuade Edmund.

Yes, just like that.

That beautiful but cold, authoritative and cruel man would never listen to her words.

It was a sickeningly cold treatment. Not only was he coldly expressionless, the way he would find fault in everything she put effort into wasn’t enough, and he would embarrass her in front of others. As though he was trying to test Sotis, saying, “Even this won’t anger you?”

Don’t you have any pride? Before the gaze that seemed to be asking that, Sotis only became infinitely small.

I love you, but you have never liked me, not even for a second.

Sotis Marigold Mendez loved Edmund Lez Setton Mendez.

And Edmund Lez Setton Mendez, hated Sotis Marigold Mendez.

***

The events in the day kept flickering through her head with regret and surprise, as though it was the sign of an intense anxiety.

Unaware of that, Sotis has been busy ever since the sun set. It was because no matter how much she thought about it, she felt like she had to be in attendance to receive the delegation from Setonne.

One of the Empress’ most important duties was the reception and hospitality of guests to the Imperial Castle, and when it was a visit by none other than royalty, she had to pay several times more attention than ever.

She didn’t want to show off their closeness, or her position as the Empress. Sotis was well aware to the point of irritation that such luxury wasn’t allowed.

He didn’t have to be affectionate, but all she asked was for him to behave according to

You don’t have to be sweet, but I’ll ask you to act with proper formality. Edmund was someone that knew how to maintain the Imperial Family’s dignity at the very least. She comforted herself with such words and told the maids to bring out a white and modest dress.

Her hair, which was as blue as the light of dawn and also had a red hue, was loosely braided, and flowers adorned her hair at certain sections. The remaining flowers were neatly tied together to make a small bouquet.

After finishing her preparations, Sotis took a deep breath and left the Empress’ Palace.

She might be feeling hopeful. Today might be slightly different from the other days. It was her first time visiting the Emperor’s place, and late in the night at that.

It’ll be alright even if he isn’t too pleased, so if it could be a momentary surprise for him, if he could find this sincerity of hers commendable. If he’ll reluctantly allow her to accompany him tomorrow…

“Your Majesty, Sotis?”

When the attendant stationed near the bedroom noticed Sotis, his eyes widened. Rather than welcome or surprise, the expression on his face was closer to feelings of embarrassment and difficulty.

And Sotis realised the reason within a few seconds.

“Your Majesty…”

“Even if you call me like that, I don’t intend to let you go today.”

“I’ve never asked you to let go of me. It’s alright if you make a mess, so hurry…”

Sotis’ face reddened at the sound of the loud coquettish voice that could be heard clearly from beyond closed doors. Soon, tears filled her eyes when she heard the sound of a clear laughter that was like beads rolling.

“……”

The imminently rising misery caused Sotis to choke up. She hated all the choices that led her here today. Sotis clenched her fist tightly and bit her lip.

“……Don’t tell His Majesty that I’d come over……”

Her habitual way of speaking with honorifics appeared. Although she knew that it was her bad habit to feel small just by standing before others, she wasn’t able to fix it, even after a long time.

But before she could say any further, the door suddenly opened. Edmund, whose chest was clearly exposed as he wasn’t wearing a top, looked down at Sotis.

“Why are you here?”

“……”

“I’m glad that you’ve come here beforehand. I’ll be accompanied by Fynn to receive the delegation tomorrow, so I hope that as much as possible, you won’t leave the Empress’ Palace.”

“……To just remain in the Empress’ Palace all day long and not go out?”

“Is that difficult? Even if I didn’t ask, you’ll remain in there all day anyways.”

After saying that, the corner of Edmund’s mouth raised and he gave a crooked smile. He seemed to know that his words could be insulting to Sotis.

Sotis couldn’t say anything. She couldn’t get angry or even reason with him. As though the word ‘courage’ had disappeared from her soul without a trace, she just trembled slightly, and turned around and left that place like she was running away.

Sotis walked with short and quick steps, and soon reached the garden. Unbeknownst to her, she was running. She couldn’t even locate where the small bouquet that she’d cultivated and weaved together was abandoned at, and the white dress that she’d worn for the first time seemed so plain and childish. What’s the point of having those long braids? In any case, it was something that no one had stroked affectionately before.

Sotis knew better than anyone else that Edmund didn’t love her. She even knew who that woman he coveted the entire night was.

She was none other than the woman Sotis had saved and brought to the Imperial Castle.

Does Edmund love that woman? Does he think that it’ll be better for her to take the position of Empress? Was that why he hated Sotis, who insisted on remaining in that position because it was a political marriage.

Sotis tried to swallow back her misery. However, the emotions that she couldn’t endure quickly formed drops that flowed down her cheeks.

Will everyone be happy if I disappear?

Would it be alright if I disappeared?

If that’s the case…

If only I could disappear.

If only I could disappear.

If only, I, could disappear.