If Only I Could Disappear - Chapter 1

Sotis Marigold Mendez was currently in the midst of a certain dream.

The unfathomable scenes sparkled so brightly that they seemed like some sort of fantasy or illusion at first.

She was standing tall in the midst of a sweltering summer. Scorching geothermal heat rose from the ground that has barely cooled down, and whenever sweat beaded on her forehead, a breeze from somewhere would gently steal it away.

At a square where countless people were hurrying to and fro, small lanterns that sparkled brightly were hung everywhere, their scarlet lights as dazzling as stars that fell to the ground.

In order to enjoy a midsummer night’s festival, people were gathered together, and Sotis wavered slightly as though she was intoxicated by their energy.

Was that a memory or a wish? If it was a memory, it happened in the distant past, and if it was a wish, it was too vague.

Bewitched, Sotis drew closer. Whenever her hair and skirt fluttered, she’d feel very strange. She wasn’t even able to explain why or how it was weird. Although it was happening to her, and not anyone else. Even though it was what she was seeing, hearing, experiencing, and feeling.

And then, Sotis spotted it.

It was a man. No, it was an eye. It was a man once again. And it became an eye again. She couldn’t tell whether she saw that man’s face first, or his eye.

A man with curious sparkling amber eyes looked at Sotis.

In her entire life, she’d never seen such eyes before. Rather than eyes belonging to a human, those uncannily sparkling eyes looked more like precious jewels that were cut and refined for a long time.

The seemingly inhuman eyes seemed to suck her in mysteriously, and Sotis sank into an indescribable mood.

‘Who are you,’ she wanted to ask. ‘Why are you looking at me?’

‘I’m sure that it’s my first time meeting you, but why do you give me a feeling of familiarity?’

But the moment she tried to speak to the man, her surroundings changed.

It was a vast plain, and the rising and setting of the sun could be seen clearly. The sky was filled with a gentle scarlet colour, and whenever there was a breeze, the overgrown grass fell to one side and rippled like waves.

Sotis tilted her head upwards, wanting to look at the tall tower in the distance. No, she wanted to do so.

“……”

It truly was a strange sensation. Without long hair or limbs, the sensation of floating in the air engulfed her entire body. With each breath, she’d feel something thin on her back moving weakly.

She became a butterfly. Light purple coloured soft wings continued to flutter, allowing Sotis to float in the air.

Was it because it’s a dream? Originally, one can do anything, and be anything in their dreams.

When she thought about it like that, all of this felt like a unique and lovely experience. The feeling of freedom was enough to let her make a faint smile.

How long did she remain floating in the air like that?

Then, someone called out to Sotis. An unperturbed yet polite voice floated into her ear.

“Please come here.”

Sotis could feel that she was naturally drawn to the voice. Why was it so? That voice was strangely affectionate, and just listening to it made her feel like she was about to cry.

There wasn’t any of the indifference, insensitivity, authoritativeness and resoluteness, dignity and coldness that she couldn’t avoid even after such a long period of attachment.

There was only affection, warmth, softness, and cosiness…

It was as though she was enjoying the momentary warmth and the setting sun with her entire body.

What in the world was that? Sotis pondered while in the midst of a long dream.

Was it a past that she’d forgotten unwittingly? Was it the future? Or was it the earnest desire that was slumbering within her heart?

Before she could clearly distinguish between them all, Sotis sank into the distant unconsciousness.

It was a really, really deep sleep.

* * *

“When asked if there were any signs, there weren’t any. It just happened out of the blue…”

The man that was advanced in years trailed off, and rubbed his face with a handkerchief he took out. It looked like he was trying to wipe away tears while patting the corners of his eyes, but that was just a habitual act, and tears did not actually come out.

The attentive young man observed his actions, and asked.

“How long has it been since she’s been that way? Duke Marigold. I mean…since the Empress‘ collapse.”

“It’s been around a month. For the first three days, I couldn’t get myself together. I wondered if this was a dream. Is this how it feels to be struck on the head by lightning from the sky? Then, when a week has passed, I came to my senses.”

As he recalled the past, a pained expression appeared on Duke Marigold’s face. He wiped his haggard face again with his handkerchief. The young man looked at the duke’s face with a bitter smile.

The Duke’s whining continued without pause.

“My daughter fell asleep as if nothing had happened and no one knows why she can’t wake up again. She’s just slowly withering away like that without any cause. When I tried to figure out what happened a little later… I don’t know anything about the child.”

“What was the chronic disease that the Empress had?”

“Although she is usually weak, she didn’t have anything that could be called a chronic disease. Actually, I’m not too certain about this either. Perhaps she did have one, but I wasn’t aware… all the best doctors in the Empire had already been called, but everyone just shook their heads and said that they don’t know.”

“Alright, I’ll take that into consideration.”

“I heard that the Lord Wizard has travelled to our Mendez Empire as an honoured guest. My sincerest apologies for pleading with you like this, without allowing you to relieve your fatigue from travel. If you would take a look at her condition for a moment, I will remember this grace for the rest of my life. I beg of you.”

The duke headed down the palace’s long corridor like he was guiding the young man. The servants looked at the young man’s exotic appearance and unusual golden eyes with curiosity, but perhaps because they were used to the duke leading someone down this path, they soon left to attend to their duties after bowing with a greeting.

The wizard couldn’t bear to turn a blind eye to the duke, who treated him earnestly as though he was the duke’s last hope. It has only been two days since he arrived in Mendez’s Imperial Castle. Although his previous fatigue was weighing down on his shoulders due to the long journey, it wasn’t to the extent that he would callously refuse a request that wasn’t that difficult.

Above all, the one and only Empress of the Mendez Empire and the eldest daughter of the Duke of Marigold, Sotis Marigold Mendez, was a woman that even the young man had also heard about.

With light purple hair in loose braids, she was an elegant and gentle beauty.

Apparently, she was bound to the current emperor by marriage contract since he was a crown prince, and had the populace’s support owing to her intelligence and benevolence. Her shortcomings was how it was difficult for her to continue the family line due to her weak body, and that she didn’t have the emperor’s favour.

The wizard straightened out his attire in front of the Northern Palace’s innermost room. In the meantime, Duke Marigold knocked politely on the door several times and gave a greeting, saying, “I’m coming in, Empress.”

Even though he knew that he wouldn’t get an answer. No, maybe he said it in hopes of getting a response.

The duke’s wrinkled hand carefully twisted open the doorknob.

“……”

A woman was lying on the snow-white bed. Small flowers adorned her finely braided lavender-coloured hair, perhaps due to the maids’ visit, and within her neatly arranged hands were some white roses. A calm expression was on her pale face, and the corners of her mouth were slightly raised perhaps due to her dream, which gave her an even more sorrowful air.

“This way, Mr. Lehman.”

The gaze of the wizard, Lehman Periwinkle, rested on the sleeping empress briefly. She looked so still and quiet that it was as though she fell asleep without realising that a guest had arrived. It was as though she’d wake up if he approached and greeted her. With a shy smile, she’d comb her long hair with her fingertips, and call for a maid to bring her a pretty vase, saying that it was a waste for a few roses to wither suddenly.

A woman that was too vivid to be a picture, and egregiously still to be alive.

Sotis Marigold Mendez.

A paradoxical existence that seemed to be present, and yet didn’t seem to be present.

Lehman looked at that woman and turned his head due to the sudden gust of wind. The gentle breeze seemed to be calling out to him.

“Mr. Lehman?”

The southern windows that faced the main palace were wide open, and the chilly wind of early spring blew in from beyond. The bright golden sunlight that glittered shone down densely through the translucent curtain, half-permeating through light purple hair and gently landing on Lehman’s cheeks and hair.

Light purple hair.

A pale and gentle face.

And, with a few white roses in hand.

A woman was seated by the window. And her face was the same as the one that Lehman had just quietly looked downwards at.

‘How could this be?’

Shocked, Lehman looked at Sotis, who was sitting by the window. She seemed both shy and embarrassed and combed her long hair with a vague smile.

After a brief silence, Sotis spoke.

— …… Hello, Lord Wizard.

The wizard didn’t say anything. No, he couldn’t say anything. He was just trying to straighten out the gloomy emotions that rose up instinctively.

As such, the empress’ soul whispered to him quietly and affectionately.

— So, you’re able to see me.