If Only I Could Disappear - Chapter 10

In fact, Sotis wasn’t confident.

She was very depressed, and everything seemed to gradually worsen with time. Even if she sympathised with Lehman’s words, she couldn’t get rid of her unease, and her heart was still as ample as before.

However, Sotis didn’t want to also hurt Lehman with the gnawing feeling within her. He treaded past the border to this country in response to her request. Even if it was just in name, it wasn’t the right thing to do as the empress.

“Why don’t you confess the truth of this matter to the Duke of Marigold and ask him for help?”

At Lehman’s suggestion, Sotis shook her head.

— I think it’s better not to do that.

“Even so… he’s the one who brought me here. He didn’t know that I entered the country under Her Majesty’s request, so he thought that he was indebted to a foreign guest. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard words of gratitude from him.”

In Lehman’s eyes, the Duke of Marigold seemed extremely desperate as though he was willing to do anything for his daughter to wake up. Wasn’t that paternal love? As an orphan, it was a feeling that Lehman couldn’t quite understand.

Sotis’ expression darkened slightly.

— My father is afraid of being an aristocrat in name and losing his political power after I disappeared. He might have regretted it a little, but… Who knows.

Lehman had a surprised expression, but he didn’t contradict Sotis’ words thoughtlessly. Since she had interacted with the duke for her entire life, he believed in Sotis’ words.

“What would he do if he heard that Your Majesty’s soul has separated from her body and it’s unknown whether it might return back to normal?”

— Before the ducal family’s dignity falls any further, he will either cut me off firmly or take other measures after the divorce. Maybe he’s already looking into the other measures slowly. 

Sotis curled up in her seat by the window. Her water coloured eyes disappeared under her eyelids, and her light purple hair fell down, representing her sorrow.

— Maybe it wasn’t the case, but I’m not holding much expectations. 

She was still too weak to bear the sadness of disappointment and betrayal. He nodded calmly like he understood.

While there might be a moment where she had to take a gamble, at least that wasn’t right now.

“Then… Does your Majesty have anyone else that you trust? Even if it’s someone that you’ve interacted with in private.”

Fortunately, Sotis seems to have someone in mind already as she answered right away.

— There’s only one friend that I’ve opened up my heart to in the Imperial Castle. Her name is Marianne Rosewood. 

“Rosewood, isn’t the Marquis of Rosewood…”

— That’s right. Not too long ago, she was known as the only daughter of the Margrave, Marquis Rosewood’s legitimate daughter. 

Marianne, Rosewood’s legitimate daughter, was Sotis’ only ally, and Finnier Rosewood, the illegitimate daughter, was the enemy that was threatening her position.

So their destinies were connected in this manner. Lehman sighed and spoke.

“May I speak to Lady Marianne about Your Majesty Sotis’ condition in your stead?”

Sotis raised her head and smiled faintly. She looked a little forlorn and embarrassed.

— I’d appreciate it if the both of you could come to my room at a convenient time tomorrow.

* * *

“I’m sorry, but… Am I dreaming right now?”

When the woman asked while holding her hands tightly, the wizard answered in a polite tone.

“My apologies, but… It’s not a dream, Lady Marianne.”

Marianne Rosewood pinched her cheek with a thumb and index finger bewilderedly. She frowned while exclaiming painedly, but she soon came to her senses, approached the bed, and bent down by the head of the bed.

“Your Majesty Sotis.”

Her thick, dark brown hair fell down and tickled the back of Sotis’ hand.

“Are the Lord wizard’s words the truth? Your Majesty, I mean… You wanted to leave this body? Really…”

Marianne’s green eyes were distorted with grief.

Her old friend always smiled like this, and didn’t say anything about being sick, sad, or upset. When she saw the sad and calm smile that could only be seen in portraits occasionally, it wrenched her heart.

How painful and difficult was it that her soul would make the decision to leave her body? How much did she wish to disappear that she’d close her eyes for more than a month and not think about opening them?

As Marianne stroked Sotis’ light purple hair strand by strand, she whispered.

“Then, where is Her Majesty now?”

Sotis, who was asleep, did not answer. Lehman was the one that answered instead. The golden-eyed man smiled sadly and stole a glance at the window.

There, Sotis’ soul was sitting lightly on the window frame and she was looking at Marianne and Lehman. Ever since Marianne came into the room, she had been observing her friend’s expression.

When she saw the sorrowful Marianne, the corners of Sotis’ mouth raised and she lowered her eyes.

— I’m sorry, Marianne.

She was sure that Marianne didn’t hear it, but Marianne looked at the window and asked.

“I’m okay, Your Majesty Sotis. Is Your Majesty alright?”

— …….

Sotis looked as though she was on the verge of tears.

— I’m fine. You are not at fault for how I ended up like this, Marianne. So don’t make that face.

When Lehman delivered everything Sotis’ had said in its totality, a cold smile appeared on Marianne’s face.

“But my father is also responsible. I inherited his name.”

“……Is it because of Lady Finnier Rosewood?”

“Yes, that’s right. It is true that my father loved me and my mother. The Marquis of Rosewood was also known as a devoted husband. My father believed that the act of recognizing Lady Fynn would destroy his reputation.”

Marianne continued to speak with a determined voice.

“That’s why he pretended to be unaware even after committing adultery. My father said it was for me and my mother, but that wasn’t the case. It wouldn’t have been better if he’d recognised Lady Fynn from the start and entered her into the family register. Then my situation would not have been that laughable, my mother would have collapsed in shock, and Lady Fynn wouldn’t have been sold to a bar in the frontier.”

Marianne talked about the betrayal she felt from her father, who said that he loved her, his only daughter, and stopped when the tips of her ears and the back of her neck turned red.

“But that isn’t what ‘s really urgent right now. Lady Fynn’s imperial consort conferment ceremony and their wedding will be taking place tomorrow. Your Majesty Sotis, do you need my help?”

Sotis stared at Lehman and nodded slowly.

“She said yes, Lady Marianne.”

“She didn’t say it so directly, but with a slight nod, right?”

A faint smile appeared on Marianne’s face.

“There isn’t much that I can do for you right now. But I definitely can help you gather clues or inquire about rumours. I’m sure no one would know more about souls than Beatum’s wizard… Perhaps Your Majesty Sotis’ soul cannot return to your body due to your weakening vitality, so I will ask around with sorcerers talented in vitality in Mendez.”

— Thank you.

Marianne, who did not hear Sotis’ thank you, smiled grimace.k.a.

“……I know that this is a strange thing to say, Your Majesty. Please don’t hate Lady Fynn too much. Although the method she used to repay your kindness is intolerable, I’m sure that like us, Lady Fynn also has wounds that can never be understood.”

It was Lehman who responded to that.

“I don’t know about that. But that doesn’t mean that the anger and resentment towards Lady Fynn will disappear. Even if she wasn’t recognised as the illegitimate daughter of Marquis Rosewood and was sold to some remote location, Her Majesty Sotis was the one who saved Lady Fynn. What kind of person would take away their benefactor’s position?”

Till the day he dies, Lehman won’t understand Fynn. At least, that was what he thought. It is said that even animals had a way of recognizing their benefactors, but wasn’t this akin to baring her teeth at her benefactors?

— It’s fine.

Sotis smiled melancholically.

— I am trying to understand.

“……Your Majesty.”

— It was just a coincidence that Lady Fynn became the other party. If it wasn’t for Lady Finnier Rosewood, anyone would have pushed me out. His Majesty Edmund will still allow someone like that to remain. As he wanted to drag me off this position, no matter when it was. Perhaps it’s better for someone that’s more desperate to take this seat. I’m just… 

Sotis pondered for a moment and bowed her head.

— ……I don’t know. My feelings are too complicated. I hope that the both of you will be understanding about how I hadn’t made any decisions. I’m afraid of everything. So… 

She concluded her speech in a miserable and sad voice.

— I would like to be alone.

* * *

On that day, the moon was exceptionally bright and the wind was also warm.

Lehman Periwinkle was unable to sleep and headed to the Empress’ Palace. It was a rather impulsive act, it would be troubling if he woke up the maids that were counting down the long hours in the hallway.

As such, Lehman was just going to go through the rear entrance and look around the little garden that Sotis usually cultivated. If he was lucky, he could directly see Sotis lying on her back through the open window.

It was enough for him to see her doing well.

“……Your Majesty.”

But Lehman met Sotis there.

Sotis Marigold Mendez was curled up beside the window, and the strands of her light-coloured swayed in Lehman’s direction.

Sotis was hugging her knees with her cheek pressed against her knees slightly, and made a look of surprise when she saw Lehman.

— You haven’t fallen asleep? Lehman. 

“I couldn’t fall asleep, so I was going to see if Your Majesty was alright.”

— Would something have happened in such a short period of time? I’m fine. 

Sotis skillfully mentioned that she was fine.

But upon hearing that, Lehman wasn’t fine at all. It felt as though someone was mercilessly stabbing his heart with a sharp object.

It has been a month. While she was in the form of a soul, she led a life that wasn’t bountiful. She just sat there without eating, sleeping, resting, or talking with someone. There was a time when no one knew about her existence, and she wasn’t able to call anyone.

The sun set and the moon rose, but her days just continued unendingly. That kind of exhaustion was beyond anyone’s comprehension.

“It’s saddening that I won’t be able to understand Your Majesty’s exhaustion until the day I die.”

Sotis smiled slightly.

— Lord wizard, you’re the first person that wants to console me.

“It’s just because two is better than one. If only I could shoulder my benefactor’s pain in her stead, I would endure it with a grateful heart.”

She stared at Lehman’s face dazedly.

The faint smile slowly disappeared from Sotis’ face. The corners of her eyes drooped downwards, and transparent tears fell from her water colored eyes. A drop, another drop, and it slid down the curve of her cheek and began to drip down her chin as she gasped for air. Like an unplanned downpour.

— Everything is hard, Lehman.

For her entire life, she has been used like a tool and wasn’t recognized no matter what she did. She was shunned by the person she loved the most, and was about to be driven away. She could only feel dreariness when she watched the person that she’d saved take away her portion of love. She could only feel the heartlessness and desolation from the emperor, who had never once looked for her during this tiring month.

Those emotions seem to push Sotis towards an even narrower, lonelier and darker place.

— …The choice to not disappear completely…… Saying that I did well, saying that I was brave…… Would a day where I’ll be complimented ever come? I don’t know, I…

Lehman did not say anything. He couldn’t say anything. He didn’t even dare to exhale, and bowed his head. He felt very apologetic for even looking at her distress.

When he heard the sound that was like a wailing child, Lehman realised something. Perhaps he was the only one ever to see Sotis cry.

Her tears, her sorrow, and even her voice could only be seen, experienced, and heard by Lehman.

“……”

Lehman clenched his fist and looked down at the weeds he’d crushed underfoot. His vision soon turned blurred, and several hot tears fell. The back of his neck seemed to sting due to the moonlight that streamed down.

Everything in the world felt cruel. His helplessness as he couldn’t do anything, Sotis’ constantly worsening position, and his feelings that he’d only understood at this moment.

“I…”

‘I think I love you. Perhaps it had been so since I’d first met you a long time ago. When you gave me warmth, when you smiled, the little seed that had entered my heart bloomed the moment I met you again.’

But Lehman couldn’t say that. As he didn’t know how much feeble feelings like love have tormented Sotis’ life.

He didn’t dare to convey those feelings of his to her. So it became even more sorrowful.

Lehman barely managed to utter a few words.

“As long as Your Majesty allows me… no matter what, I will be on your side.”

— ……

“No matter what happens. Unyielding to any crisis, sadness, or problem. At every moment. For no particular reason…”

As though it was a confession, as though it was a vow, as though it was a prayer, Lehman kneeled down and spoke.

“At least I won’t make you cry.”

* * *