If Only I Could Disappear - Chapter 13

A few days passed by, like the calm before the storm.

Marianne was sitting in front of a piano that was neatly lined with black and white keys. In order to soothe the gloomy mood, she played the piano with a smile. Lehman sat by the sleeping empress’ bedside and was translating an old book that’s written in the ancient language. He would occasionally deliver the words from Sotis, who was by the window, to her friend.

— …I heard that the new imperial consort is pregnant.

Lehman sighed and closed the book. Fatigue was written all over his face as he was reading books and searching through records all night for several days.

“Yes, Your Majesty. According to the new doctor, she is in the early stages of pregnancy. It’s probably less than two months.”

— I see.

“There must be a lot of doctors in the Imperial Castle, so why was the imperial consort entrusted to a new doctor?”

Sotis smiled quietly as Marianne pouted.

— In the imperial castle, there are only male doctors. It’s a little difficult to diagnose women’s illnesses. I guess they’re taking this opportunity to select a doctor for the imperial consort.

If Sotis was pregnant, would Edmund have been so considerate towards her?

Bitterness was present in her gentle smile. It was a question that she knew the answer to. Edmund wouldn’t act like that for her sake. Rather, he would ask insulting questions, such as if it was really his child, or was it someone else’s.

— I heard that Her Highness Fynn is pregnant, but it’s very quiet here. I heard that the fact about my soul being separated from my body was discovered.

“Ah.”

In other words, she was wondering why he didn’t barge in, as he had no reason to allow Sotis to remain in the empress’ position.

Marianne, who was pressing down on a few keys, stopped

“He went on a trip to celebrate his wedding. I heard that he’ll return at sunset today, Your Majesty.”

— ……Was His Majesty happy?

After hearing about this question from Lehman, Marianne smiled awkwardly.

“Should I give you a proper answer or an honest answer?”

— Please answer me honestly. 

“The corners of his mouth were pretty much stuck to his ears.”

Sotis looked at her flat stomach. Behind her shabby and translucent body, the scenery of the garden she took care of in her spare time could be seen faintly.

He said that her body was so weak that she wouldn’t get pregnant easily. Although the influence of the Duke of Marigold, who fed her all sorts of drugs when she was young in order to make her intelligent, couldn’t be ignored, the doctor that was afraid for his future pleaded with her not to tell anyone about it.

Truthfully, it would be difficult for her to have Edmund’s child, even if she wasn’t weak. Edmund didn’t look for Sotis, and Sotis was afraid of approaching Edmund first. When the emperor had to embrace her out of duty, he looked truly uncomfortable. When she was faced with that expression, she couldn’t breathe and couldn’t help but tremble like a leaf.

She would rather not have a baby. Even though she was criticised for failing to fulfil her duties as the empress, she couldn’t let her baby also be in pain.

Perhaps that’s precisely why Sotis greatly envied Fynn.

She was a fascinating beauty that none wouldn’t admire. Her sudden appearance captured the emperor’s heart like a flame and had an extravagant wedding that surprised the world. Not only did she become an imperial consort that’s beloved by the emperor, she was also due to have a baby less than a year after entering the imperial castle.

The emperor loves Fynn, and he’d love the child that she gave birth to wholeheartedly. Whether a prince or princess is born, he would announce that he’d bequeathing the Mendez Empire to them willingly.

Sotis will be ousted gradually and she’ll fade into obscurity. No, she’ll be kicked out. Now, she was nothing better than useless baggage.

Although she wasn’t aware about the details of the imperial family’s ultimate disgrace, which her father held onto like a lifeline, it wasn’t the fault of the newborn child, so threatening him with that was also ending.

In those few days, she didn’t have any expectations, like she was walking on thin ice.

“Your Majesty, I would rather you take this opportunity…”

Marianne jumped up, but Lehman, who sat by the empress’ bedside, shook his head to dissuade the excited Marianne.

Marianne had watched Sotis for longer than anyone else, and was aware that Edmund wasn’t a good man. He was completely unsuitable for the kind and amicable Sotis. Marianne would rather have Lehman capture Sotis’s heart, and she was fully willing to render her assistance.

Lehman Periwinkle was a warm-hearted person. While the kingdom of Beatum in the south wasn’t large, the land was fertile and it had a stable political situation, so it was a good place to settle down in. Although he isn’t royalty, he was the master of the Periwinkle Tower, so he’d be able to live his entire life without lacking anything, as long as he doesn’t do anything preposterous.

However, Lehman didn’t want to cause Sotis’ heart to sway. Despite knowing that Sotis still had love, or lingering feelings, for Edmund, that was still the case for him.

Sotis was in a precarious state. As such, he didn’t want to cause confusion for her given the current situation. He was afraid that the form she was maintaining precariously would collapse in an instant.

He hoped that his love wouldn’t cause her to crumble, but become a source of support for her.

— You know…

Sotis sat by the window, and slowly spoke while combing through her hair.

— Please don’t come to the empress’ palace anymore, the both of you.

“……Your Majesty.”

— Thank you for trying your best to assuage my loneliness. But I’m fine now. Just think of today as the last day, and don’t come over anymore. 

“May I ask you for the reason…?”

— In any case, I will become a deposed empress. It will happen as early as either this evening, or tomorrow morning. His Majesty Edmund is in a position to bring me down, and his head is full of those thoughts. I’m sure that he believes he should remove me, even if it’s for the sake of Mendez’s new bloodline. Who can stop His Majesty when he’s like that? Me, who has become a ghost? Or a wizard that’s a distinguished guest from another country? Or Marianne, who doesn’t have a title?

Lehman bit on his lips lightly and lowered his gaze. The empress’ body was still quietly and picturesquely sleeping. The way she laid there with her eyes closed peacefully pained him.

— ……I hope that the both of you won’t have to experience anything pointless just because you’re close to me. And… I don’t want to show you my appearance, which is gradually becoming shabbier. I hope that the memories you have of me are when I am whole and fine. 

After hearing Sotis’ words, Marianne thumped her chest and sighed.

“Should I have learnt swordsmanship, and not the piano, Your Majesty? Since I was the only daughter anyways, I should have asked to inherit the Marquisate and became the Young Marquis. If I had done so, the remarks I made would have political power…”

Sotis replied with a smile.

— I really appreciate the gesture, Marianne

“……”

— Lord wizard, you too…

Lehman turned away from Sotis. He wasn’t confident that he would listen to her words nonchalantly.

— Please return now. 

Sotis spoke plainly.

— Thank you so much for everything you did in this period of time.  

Should he really bid her farewell like this? He didn’t want to do that, but he didn’t want to ignore her words.

The wizard looked at the window imploringly. With loosely braided hair that drooped downwards, the woman wiggled her toes and looked out of the window.

It felt as though Sotis would fly away like that to a place where he couldn’t reach and disappear without a trace just like that.

As such, Lehman couldn’t say anything, and could only hope that time would stop like this.

* * *

Lehman Periwinkle failed to comply with Sotis Marigold Mendez’s request.

A few days later, after Edmund returned to the Imperial Castle, he announced the imperial consort’s pregnancy to the entire world and left a message that she would be appointed as the empress. Of course, the details of which will be determined through the Great Nobility Council, but since the emperor has expressed his intentions firmly, the deposition of Empress Sotis will be on the next meeting’s agenda.

When Lehman heard about that, he rushed to the empress’ palace at once.

‘……Your Majesty.’

He didn’t know what to say to her. He didn’t even know how he should explain. Nevertheless, his feet still moved recklessly. Despite not knowing what to do, he couldn’t do nothing.

Lehman had only stopped moving at the garden where Sotis burst into tears. He knew that he couldn’t help to wipe away her tears, but he didn’t want to leave her alone.

Just as he’d expected, Sotis was there. As if she was a step ahead of Lehman in hearing about her fate, she just stood in the middle of the garden with a resigned smile.

Lehman was catching his breath as he’d rushed over hurriedly, and spoke.

“Please don’t go……”

Lehman spoke desperately.

“Let me help you. I’ve also figured out a way to lead Your Majesty’s soul into a butterfly. We’re almost there.”

— Lord wizard. Your power is incredible, but it’s unable to change my reality.

“I’ll do my best no matter what. Your Majesty, I need you… Weren’t you the one to have called me here?”

As he spoke stubbornly, Sotis smiled slightly and shook her head.

— I know that you like me, but you can’t use it to solve that problem.

He didn’t even have any time to be surprised. But it wasn’t strange. Sotis had lived her entire life reading and acting according to another’s countenance. Sotis couldn’t have been unaware of something that Marianne knew. Moreover, it was the feelings he had for her.

“Are those feelings insufficient to tie Your Majesty here?”

— ……

“In that case, please feel sorry for me. You don’t have to like me. I’m also aware that that’s asking for too much. I didn’t like you for a reward. What I mean is, even if it’s out of pity for my one-sided feelings… Please stay a little longer. Just a little.”

— …Lehman.

“Didn’t you hesitate?”

As Sotis slowly sank down to the ground, Lehman approached her and knelt down in front of her to meet her eyes.

“A part of you wanted to disappear, but another part of you didn’t want to. I hope that there’s at least one reason for you to hesitate.”

— …That’s, how did you know?

“If it weren’t for that, Your Majesty might not exist anywhere by now.”

— ……

“Please allow me to be that reason. No, it’s alright even if I don’t become the reason immediately. Please give me a little time.”

— I’m about to be deposed.

“Even if Her Majesty Sotis becomes Lady Sotis, it doesn’t change the fact that you’re my benefactor.”

— I’m not as beautiful or attractive as Her Highness the Imperial Consort. 

“To me, you’re more beautiful and wiser than anyone else.”

— There isn’t a part of me that’s useful. 

“My heart is overflowing with joy just by looking at you here.”

Sotis looked up and stared at Lehman. A painstakingly crafted smile was on her sorrowful face.

Lehman raised both of his hands and carefully cupped Sotis’ cheeks. As it wasn’t her actual body, it seemed like he was gently supporting the air.

“Your Majesty, in the ancient language, Beatum means ‘happiness’. In order to gain recognition, the soul wizards of Beatum vows to make every soul they meet gain true happiness. In front of the oldest wizard, as well as God’s proxy.”

Happiness.

Sotis mouthed the words he said quietly multiple times. The moment that word, which felt extremely distant from her, appeared from that man’s lips, for some reason she felt as though she could become happy someday.

“I will open a path for you.”

Lehman Periwinkle’s amber eyes glistened softly in the dark. That glistening gaze of his, which seemed like a jewel made of an encased ancient soul, seemed to caress her gently.

Sotis closed her eyes and placed her formless hand on the back of Lehman’s hand. A strange warmth enveloped her, and seemed to slowly drag her from the high and distant sky to the ground.

Soon enough, her soul became murkier, smaller, and more vulnerable, before finally becoming a pale purple butterfly. The butterfly folded her tired wings, laid on Lehman’s hands, which were carefully cupped together.

Lehman moved the butterfly very carefully. He couldn’t even breathe properly, out of fear of harming her soul.

“The oldest servant of God will lead your soul onto the right path in accordance with your will.”

Along with the whispered prayer, a gentle scarlet light seeped out from Lehman’s hand. The light, which flickered like candle light, gathered in a circle like snowflakes, and lined up like it was connecting the sleeping butterfly with Sotis’ body.

Sotis’ body stopped breathing for a short moment, and it began to regain warmth again.

“Please don’t disappear, Your Majesty.”

Lehman’s whisper contained his true emotions.

“If only you wouldn’t disappear.”

* *