If Only I Could Disappear - Chapter 14

Chapter 14: Decision to Leave, Feelings that Remain (1)

After roughly a month, Sotis Marigold Mendez opened her eyes.

The sunlight that penetrated through her thin eyelids was bright enough to sting. As the window was slightly open, her hair was scattered and tickling her face, while the blanket covering her body was both warm and soft.

As it had been too long, she’d forgotten about it momentarily, and found it both familiar and unfamiliar.

“……Your Majesty the Empress.”

Perhaps because they were informed by Lehman, the maids that were nervously moving around in front of the bedroom quickly came in. The maids that supported Sotis, brought her lukewarm water, and brushed her tangled light purple hair, had expressions that seemed as though they were about to cry out of joy.

“Did the wizard perform a miracle for you…”

“Isn’t he the greatest amongst the soul wizards of Beatum? It’s so fortunate that he came to the Mendez Empire.”

“He was invited here by Her Majesty, right?”

Sotis blinked and listened to the maids’ voices, and nodded slowly. Her body was so weakened that she felt exhausted just by sitting up, drinking water, shaking or nodding her head.

Strangely, Sotis returned back to her body, even if she herself didn’t predict that it would happen. The person that she’d requested to solve the problems in Mendez Empire was Lehman, who had been indebted to her, and only he could’ve led Sotis’ soul back to its original place.

“Oh, I’m sorry. You must be tired… Would you like to take a break? We’ll bring lunch.”

Upon hearing that they could prepare the empress’ meal, the maids let out noises of excitement. And as soon as Sotis nodded, they left the bedroom while chirping like a flock of birds.

Sotis stood up as slowly and carefully as possible, so that her body would not be surprised.

When she closed her eyes out of sadness, she wished that it would be her last time to do so, and that almost became reality. For a month, she felt herself withering, and she realised that she was disappearing as she looked at the fading soul.

But when morning came, she returned to life’s embrace.

“……”

Sotis looked around her room with a slightly dazed mood. She didn’t go anywhere and remained here, but why did it give her such a new feeling?

The maids were diligent and fast, and the flowers that they brought to the bedside gave off a good scent. The wind that chilled the tip of her nose and the softness of the cloth that permeated through her skin.

The sound of dragging feet, the firmness that her fingers felt, the chirping of birds that fell onto her ears.

All of these vivid sensations secretly told Sotis that she came back to life.

“……Lehman.”

A familiar word popped up from her hoarse throat. The clear voice, which would always scatter randomly, was slightly cracked yet firm.

It was the first name she wanted to call if she had to speak.

“Your Majesty Sotis.”

It’s because she remembered the voice that called her like that several times.

Did he know that whenever he called her like that, she wanted to respond? Does he know how lonely that upright voice seemed?

Lehman Periwinkle was the first person to tell her that it’s alright if she didn’t do anything.

Sotis changed into a white dress and walked around the room slowly. At first, her body kept swaying unsteadily and so she had to hold the table or closet while walking, but she was able to walk smoothly like flowing water after walking for a while.

She sat in a chair, cleared her throat, and practised speaking a few words. She did that because she didn’t want to rest or respond with a cracked voice when someone came in to talk to her.

Afterwards, Sotis Marigold Mendez decided to compose herself and organise the current situation.

First of all, she wouldn’t be able to avoid divorce. Edmund will forcibly push her away with any reason. The frailness of her body that renders her incapable of bearing a child, the instability of her soul, or the baby that will soon be born……

She can’t just grieve over something that was bound to happen without a plan. Sotis let out a loud exhale to calm her nervously pounding heart.

Yes. Rather than divorce, future events were far more important.

Within the Mendez Imperial Family, it was almost unprecedented to have a divorce.

It was only used to drag down overly immoral empresses or when the family of the empress plotted treason, and most of the empresses who were deposed in that manner usually faced a miserable end. Even in a somewhat moderate divorce, it was customary for the deposed empress to live quietly in a remote mansion that’s far from the capital until the day she died. This was to remove the political and social influence that they exercised when they were empress.

Sotis didn’t want to end her life in that manner. The only change was the location of her cage, and she didn’t want to live like she was being exiled despite not committing any wrongs. If that was the case, she would rather disappear when her soul was separated from her body.

‘It’s fine if I’m being thrown out, but even so, I don’t want to be driven out so miserably……’

Fortunately, she didn’t think that she would be kicked out in such an extreme manner.

Her biological father, the Duke of Marigold, still wielded the Mendez Imperial Family’s disgrace in his hand. Of course, it was related to the current Emperor Edmund and the previous Emperor and Empress, so it might have nothing to do with Edmund’s newly born child. If that was the case, she could buy some time.

Additionally, Finnier Rosewood was unskilled at handling state affairs. Although she can read and write, she doesn’t have any political sense, and since she has a baby, she wouldn’t give sufficient time to her duties as the empress.

Instead of kicking Sotis out immediately, it was highly likely for Edmund to make her the agent that handles the empress’ affairs. Although there wasn’t an ounce of consideration in the way he settled his affairs, it was still an opportunity for her to organise her thoughts.

“……”

Sotis placed her hand on her chest carefully. A slightly slow pulse was transmitted. This heart would only pound when she was in front of Edmund.

But that shouldn’t be the case anymore. She didn’t want it to be the case. It’s time to lay down her heart, which couldn’t even clearly identify if it was love or infatuation.

The love that continued for so many years has always hurt Sotis, and it would only bring her suffering in the future.

“……Okay, let’s get all of it done one by one.”

Sotis took a deep breath and straightened her back.

She still wasn’t confident. It would be a lie if she said that she didn’t want to disappear.

But the wizard was right. After her soul had separated from her body, she had endured for a month without disappearing. It wasn’t because she didn’t want to disappear, but that she didn’t want to disappear in that manner.

Hence, just once more. If she tried a little harder, she might gain happiness or freedom. She wanted to believe that that would be the case.

She must have spent a long period of time organising her thoughts, as the sounds of a fuss happening outside travelled in suddenly. It seemed to be the maids’ voices.

It was a little early for lunch. Curious about what was going on outside, Sotis rose slowly. She thought that her voice would return back to how it usually was at this point in time.

But before Sotis could open the door that she’d approached, someone barged in from outside.

“Your Majesty! Her Majesty Sotis isn’t ready yet…”

It was Edmund. He seemed to have hurried to the empress’ palace after receiving news that Sotis had woken up.

He didn’t look the slightest bit pleased or happy. Regret and vexation filled those pitch black eyes, and only a cold and firm heartlessness was written on his face.

“……Your Majesty.”

Despite Sotis’s practice, her voice cracked shabbily. She lowered her head gloomily.

Thump, thump, thump. 

Her heart was pounding. It wasn’t because she was excited and happy. She was afraid and uneasy. All of his expressions, words, and actions were hurtful and seemed to claw at her wounded heart.

“You managed to wake up.”

Edmund spoke coldly. He found this rather regrettable.

“Unfortunately, you’re a step too late, Empress. A nobility council took place in the morning about whether you should be deposed.”

Sotis took a small breath and answered quietly.

“I see.”

“Tomorrow morning, I will declare our divorce. The reason for the divorce is your body’s poor condition, your soul’s instability, and your inability to carry on the family line.”

“……Is that all?”

Edmund’s low voice followed.

“That’s more than enough.”

No, it wasn’t enough.

Sotis also knew that, so Edmund couldn’t have been unaware about it. If that truly was enough, he wouldn’t have come all the way here purposefully.

A divorce with the imperial family wasn’t something that can be done simply due to a change of heart. If she was unable to carry on the family line, he could bring in imperial consorts and mistresses. While Sotis had a weak body, it wasn’t to the extent that she couldn’t handle her work within the Imperial Castle. She had been away for quite a period of time due to the instability of her soul, but she has already regained consciousness.

Above all, Sotis Marigold Mendez was worthy of being the empress.

“If that was enough, Your Majesty wouldn’t have looked for me, but sent the documents through someone.”

Instead of confirming, Edmund clicked his tongue. Sotis brushed back her hair with a bitter smile.

Perhaps he came hoping that she’d accept the divorce obediently and cooperate. Would he threaten her if he couldn’t persuade her? As Sotis made conjectures on his mood, she laughed softly.

“……When will you come, will you come to the empress’ palace? There was a time when I had such thoughts.”

“……”

“But you’ve come to talk to me about divorce.”

She had lost consciousness for a month. Edmund never visited the Empress. He had never sent anything through anyone, let alone visiting her sickbed. He treated Sotis like a non-existent person, but came only when he had a reason to look for her.

Once again, Sotis felt his heartlessness anew. After a few years of his unkind treatment, she has gotten used to it and believed that she should be satisfied with just that, but now she knew the warmth and consideration of others. There was someone that missed her for no particular reason, that would worry about her, that would come out of worry that she’d be lonely.

Edmund did not beat around the bush.

“The both of us would like to avoid doing all kinds of tiring matters for the sake of each other’s honour, so what is the empress’ opinion?”

“Are you telling me to be kicked out docilely?”

“The result wouldn’t change even if you wouldn’t do that, so don’t be too disheartened. I’ve already made up my mind, and the only time I’ll be merciful to you is now.”

The emperor rebuked angrily.

“If you step down obediently without tarnishing my honour, I will not reveal your inadequacies to the entire world. The only thing I’ll declare is that our hearts weren’t the same as before, and that I hope you can live freely and take care of your body and mind. In that case, at least the commoners wouldn’t look down on you.”

Instead of responding immediately, Sotis looked up at Edmund bewilderedly.

His feelings were being conveyed undisguised.

Displeasure.

She pondered for a moment. Should she nod obediently and obey the emperor’s will or should she pinpoint the truth?

The usual Sotis always followed Edmund’s will. As long as it didn’t violate Mendez’s public interest, she always placed him before herself, and obeyed him without going against his wishes.

But she didn’t want to do that today. The long accumulated sorrow and disappointment surged like a tide, and she didn’t want to help him no matter what.

Even if their divorce happened as per his wishes, she didn’t want to move to his tune for everything.

Sotis spoke quietly, but firmly.

“The divorce is Your Majesty’s arbitrary decision.”

“…….”

“Neither the aristocrats nor the commoners want me to be deposed. Most of the excuses that Your Majesty had mentioned aren’t suitable reasons for divorce. The people around you must have already said that it’s enough to confer her as an imperial consort.”

“…….”

“Your Majesty. I always obeyed your wishes. I didn’t dare to implore for your love, and I remained faithful to my role and didn’t blame Your Majesty when I saw you with many mistresses and the imperial consort. Naturally, I would have lived quietly if you’d just left me here. I didn’t have many expectations, so I wasn’t too disappointed. However…”

Sotis’ water-coloured eyes stared at Edmund.

Soon, she plucked up her courage and asked.

“……Why do you hate me so much, Your Majesty?”

* * *