If Only I Could Disappear - Chapter 16

Sotis Marigold Mendez remained standing stiffly until Edmund Lez Seton Mendez completely disappeared from the room.

She, who’d returned back to ‘Sotis Marigold’ for the first time in a very long time, took a deep breath.

“……I did well, didn’t I?”

Her body began trembling belatedly. The faint tremor gradually became stronger, and soon even her knees began to shake dangerously. Sotis quickly sat down on a chair and inhaled quickly.

“I did well.”

She quickly whispered to herself. Her cracked voice seemed to pierce her ears unpleasantly. Sotis wrapped her arms around her shoulders and curled up.

It was her first time speaking frankly to Edmund.

She said that she liked him. That’s why she did her best.

But he didn’t do so.

‘I liked you, but didn’t you hate me?’

“…….”

They’re getting divorced.

As always, everything progressed as per Edmund wishes. He didn’t keep his promise to Sotis, and he had mistresses and led his life as he pleased ever since Sotis became the crown princess. Incidents where she was secretly insulted or criticised happened frequently. Whenever the proposals that Sotis raised were well received by the nobility council, he became even more nervous and acted as though he wanted to cut out and discard the empress’ palace from the imperial castle.

Edmund spoke as if the reason that the two of them didn’t have any children was Sotis’ fault, but he was actually the one that truly didn’t want to have a baby.

“A child that takes after you, of all things.”

Does Edmund know that those words of his were like a dagger that stabbed into Sotis’ heart?

He may not know it, but the way he frowned at Sotis’ skinny frame like it was something he couldn’t bear to look at, would leave a lasting scar in her memory for the rest of her life.

It’s because he was never interested in her internal thoughts.

But it’s okay. So it was fine.

Ever since then, Sotis gradually began preparations for a divorce. She persevered in the face of the overwhelming sadness so that she wouldn’t collapse. Although she wanted to disappear when it was too much, she pulled herself together while she hesitated.

Edmund wasn’t her everything. As such, even if Edmund walked out of her life, Sotis still had to stand on her own two feet. Even if it felt completely impossible and incomparably distant, it must happen one day.

That emptiness would allow her to find her own way of life in the name of freedom.

When her trembling subsided a little, Sotis felt a small presence wandering in front of the door. She slowly got up and opened the door, only to find the youngest maid holding a teacup and looking at Sotis uneasily.

“Is there something you’d like to tell me?”

“……Ah.”

The young maid quickly came to her senses, placed a teacup on the table, and poured a cup of clear amber-coloured tea in it.

“This tea is good for soothing your mind and calming your emotions, Your Majesty. It has cooled down slightly, but it’ll be easy for you to drink.”

“Thank you.”

Sotis looked down at the reflection of her face in the teacup and added calmly.

“As you all may be aware from His Majesty’s visit, I am no longer the empress. Since the divorce has been agreed upon, just call me Lady Sotis.”

“But…”

“If you continue to call me like that after I’m deposed, I will be held responsible irregardless. Do you want me to be in trouble?”

“N—no!”

“Even if you’re unwilling, you have to practice from this moment onwards.”

The young maid, who waved her hands flusteredly, spoke with an extremely reluctant face, “…Yes, Lady Sotis,” and bowed her head.

“I heard that this tea will have a good scent if you drink it a while after a flower petal is placed in the teacup. Since His Majesty has just left… I hope that it’ll help you, Lady Sotis, even if it’s just a little.”

Light purple petals were floating on the surface of the tea, and it looked pretty cute, so Sotis couldn’t help but give a faint smile.

“Thank you.”

The carefully made tea gave a scent that’s both subtle and unfamiliar. It tasted quite new to her, who usually liked to drink tea. Was it a new tea from a foreign country?

As Sotis looked at the purple petals freely floating in the teacup, she soothed her feelings with warm tea. When she saw the swaying petals, which became translucent after being soaked in tea water, a person naturally came to mind.

A man with amber eyes, who carefully held her soul, which was smaller than his palm.

The hand that handled the fragile butterfly was so gentle and warm that her heart stung whenever she saw him.

Lehman Periwinkle.

A person with a soul that’s warmer than anyone that has passed through Sotis’ life.

Her tension unknowingly subsided without a trace after drinking tea that resembled him. The innards that were rattled due to Edmund calmed down, and her nausea and palpitating heart calmed down like usual.

Once her body, which was stiffened due to tension, relaxed, her limbs became numb. She leant against the chair’s backrest and let out a deep sigh.

Just then, the young maid that brought the tea earlier came in again with a knock on the door.

“……Lady Sotis, have you finished your tea?”

“What is it?”

“Erm… A guest is outside there.”

A look of surprise appeared on Sotis’ face.

“The wizard came, and told me to inform you about his arrival after you’ve finished your tea. He said to ask for Lady Sotis’ intentions on whether or not to meet first. To meet you if you didn’t mind… He said that he’ll just return back otherwise.”

Her mouth was slightly agape. A few murmured words escaped her mouth and disappeared.

Lehman was here. He didn’t allow others to inform her about his arrival, even if he had to wait. Why?

It wasn’t hard for her to guess the reason. In order to come to the empress’ palace, Lehman would have to go past the main palace, and he would’ve seen Edmund heading in this direction. Perhaps he might have heard about the mumbling aristocrats over there.

He might be worried that she’ll receive quite a shock after Edmund’s sudden visit. He must have thought that he shouldn’t just barge in. After careful consideration, he gave the tea as a gift to soothe Sotis first.

It was a very Lehman-like choice.

“Where did he say he’d be waiting?”

“Oh, perhaps…”

As Sotis was about to leave straight away, the maid quickly wrapped a shawl around her shoulders. The fabric was made with tightly threaded dark brown wool and wrapped warmly around her skinny body.

Sotis stepped outside diligently. She couldn’t cross over the window that she was able to cross easily when she was in the form of a soul, so she could only leave the room and walk past the small mansion’s gate.

Before she knew it, spring had arrived. A few gusts of wind that was warmed up by the sunrays gently permeated in between the strands of Sotis’ hair, and the barely sprouted weeds flattened to the ground and straightened up in a flurry.

“……”

Lehman waited for her in the small garden of the empress’ palace. The wizard leant obliquely against the willow tree with an old book on his lap, his eyes were shut tiredly.

The wind that tousled Sotis’ hair blew towards Lehman and his neat eyelashes swayed.

Not long after, Lehman Periwinkle opened his eyes.

Sotis didn’t say anything, but he looked at Sotis with shining amber eyes, like he had received her call.

Lehman waited silently with a faint smile as she approached him at a very slow pace.

A long, yet gentle silence filled between them densely.

“Do you still love His Majesty?”

The faint resentment in his voice was directed towards Edmund, who was ruthless towards her.

Instead of answering, Sotis gave a slight smile.

“I don’t know.”

She wasn’t just trying to dodge the question, but she really didn’t know.

What exactly is love? Is it really alright to call the feelings she had for Edmund, the feelings that she had all this while, love?

She knew that it actually wasn’t love. There was a period of time when it was love, but at the very least, that isn’t the case now. For a long time now, there wasn’t any hint of warmth in her tired and cooling heart. Only a certain kind of determination remained, and she continued to be pulled along like she had lingering attachments.

Or perhaps it was just a habit of sorts. Ever since she was born, she has never loved anyone other than Edmund Lez Setton Mendez. As such, she might have habitually thought that she loved Edmund, or she might have gotten by while mistakenly thinking that she was in love with Edmund.

Sotis asked quietly.

“Was love originally something that’s so fervent?”

If Edmund’s gaze at Fynn was love, then her feelings wouldn’t have been love, as she had never looked at him so fervently.

Additionally, Edmund had never looked at her warmly, so he obviously had never loved her before.

How pathetic.

She was already at this age, and the fact that she wasn’t able to tell what love was made her feel insignificant. In order to hold back her gloomy mood, Sotis chewed on her lip.

Lehman looked at her awkwardly, and changed the subject hurriedly.

“……It’s great to see you in the flesh. As long as Lady Sotis is present, the weather will clear like it wasn’t about to rain. It rained for a while yesterday morning.”

“I didn’t do anything, Lehman.”

“That’s not true.”

Lehman’s amber eyes curved affectionately.

“Lady Sotis is here.”

“…….”

“You drank the tea I gave you and came out to meet me. It would have been alright if you didn’t do so. Even if you didn’t drink the tea, I would have been perfectly happy to worry over you, and if you’re unwilling to come out to the garden because you were tired and upset, I would have waited here for as long as I liked to and returned.”

Every word that Lehman spoke contained warmth that only he could emanate. It was so warm and cozy that nothing could compare to it. For her, who had been exhausted for a very long time, his kindness felt like a dream.

Was that why?

“I’m getting divorced.”

Sotis spoke impulsively. Instead of making a fuss, Lehman tilted his head upwards to look at Sotis calmly.

“I will be deposed tomorrow morning. People will take pleasure in this and think that the deposed Empress will finally return to her rightful place. They’ll say that I’ve persisted in occupying a position that’s ill befitting of my status. As they take pleasure in criticising me, they’ll be entertained by my sorrow.”

Sotis felt something that she had been holding back for a long time welling up. She had completely forgotten these kinds of feelings, to the point where it felt new again.

“I can’t make my father and sister smile, and even my dignity… I agree to divorce for the yet to be born baby, and when I get better in the future, I’ll be conferred as an imperial consort, but…”

“……”

“I know, I will never become an imperial consort. This is the end for me.”

Just like how even if he dies, Edmund will never love Sotis.

Sotis will never become an imperial consort.

She kept biting on her lips until it turned white. The emotions that she’d barely managed to calm down seemed to well up into dangerous levels. It would pour out uncontrollably the moment someone brushed against it with their fingertips.

She was used to enduring. She thought that she was used to the Duke of Marigold’s obsession, Cheryl’s resentment, Edmund’s cold treatment, and the noblewomen’s contempt. It was one of Sotis’ specialties to repress and endure.

Even so.

Why was it happening now, why were they wavering so helplessly.

“Lady Sotis.”

Then, Lehman Periwinkle called her that.

“Is it really the end?”

* * *