If Only I Could Disappear - Chapter 17

Sotis pondered over Lehman’s question for a long time.

Was the divorce that could occur at any time a death sentence? Would Sotis become worthless the moment she loses ‘Mendez’ from her name?

She didn’t want that to happen.

“No, it isn’t the end. As it’s just a divorce.”

“……”

“I…”

She replied hesitantly.

Lehman’s face was reflected in Sotis’ water-coloured eyes. The slender and fine-looking man smiled affectionately when his eyes met Sotis’. It was like he’s telling her that whatever she responded to him with was alright.

“It’s fine even if I’m not an imperial consort. No, not being an imperial consort is better for me.”

“I see.”

“……I hope that His Majesty will regret treating me coldly. The reason for my sorrow even after becoming the empress, why I wanted to disappear, and my reasoning for not becoming an imperial consort… I hope that he’ll understand even a fraction of what I’d felt.”

Lehman nodded. A bright smile appeared on his face.

“And? Lady Sotis.”

“I want to live my life.”

“……”

“My body is too weak. So… I have to get healthier first. Healthy enough for me to imagine a life outside the empress’ palace.”

Sotis had never been outside of the capital before. She has never seen a wide horizon, nor has she seen a coastline before. Although her body was particularly weak, she didn’t have the time to idle as she had to stay in the study and led her life by engraving fine print into her brain.

“No, I didn’t mean that I must go there. I don’t even know where I can go. Right now, I’m afraid of the entire world outside of the empress’ palace, but… Even if that’s the case, I don’t believe that I can be happy in this imperial castle. Those days have long since passed.”

“You’re unable to find happiness here.”

Lehman recited sadly like he understood.

“Then, do you really want to go to a place where you can be happy?”

“Someday.”

A questioning look appeared on his even face.

“Is that not now? Lady Sotis.”

“Ah, that’s….”

He probably thought that once the divorce had been set in stone, she’d be kicked out of the palace. Considering Edmund’s usual feelings for Sotis, it wouldn’t be odd if he reluctantly allowed her to pack a few clothes before chasing her away immediately.

But that wasn’t the case. Sotis made a deal with Edmund and had to stay in the Imperial Castle for a while to help settle Mendez’s state affairs. It was until Finnier gave birth to the baby safely and became empress, leaving no vacancy for Sotis.

After a moment’s hesitation, she answered frankly.

“……I’ve decided to assist in the empress’ duties for the time being.”

Astonished, Lehman inadvertently called her like he did previously.

“Your Majesty Sotis!”

“……”

“I’m sorry, I won’t make a slip of the tongue again.”

“Please be careful from tomorrow onwards, Lord Wizard.”

Sotis let the faults of others go as she always did. She spoke generously to him with an awkward smile.

“It would’ve been convenient if I could cast off this burden and leave. But I can’t just turn a blind eye to what I’ll be leaving behind. Like it or not, Lehman, I am the empress of a country.”

“…….”

“That’s what responsibility is.”

Those words sounded like she was trying to understand Lehman, but it also sounded like she was trying to comfort herself.

Lehman swallowed down his bitterness and shook his head. Responsibility. It was an insignificant and hateful word. How long has she suffered due to that position?

A duty that doesn’t even give a handful of sweet compliments, much less any advantages.

“……As expected of Lady Sotis’ choice.”

Responding like that was the best choice. Unlike the slightly relaxed expression on Sotis’ face, Lehman had a complicated expression on his face.

If she suddenly declares the divorce and steps down as empress, the Mendez empire will be turned upside down. Finnier Rosewood, who has just become an imperial consort, couldn’t handle all the work that the competent and wise empress have handled.

Additionally, the ordinary people’s lives are in a mess due to unprecedented famine, epidemic, signs of instability at the border region and strange events occurring throughout the empire. If Sotis, the biggest spokesperson that will move for their sake in such a situation, left her position, Mendez’s future will be pitch-black.

She probably couldn’t turn a blind eye to that.

Sotis Marigold is a sentimental person. No matter who it was, her warmth wouldn’t skip over anyone unintentionally. Because of that, Lehman didn’t dare to criticise the choice she made as she was easily hurt, and because even he was saved by that warmth.

“Lady Sotis.”

Lehman called her with a slightly choked up voice.

After Sotis’ divorce, if she wanted to take this opportunity to cut herself off from everything and leave, he would invite her to the kingdom of Beatum. Just like how she had invited the owner of the Periwinkle Tower as a distinguished guest to solve the empire’s problems, he also wanted to use his position and take Sotis away.

Lehman thought that he understood what freedom was and how to strengthen a soul the most.

As such, he was presumptuously confident that he was able to bring another kind of happiness to Sotis.

Responsibility.

It makes her sad, and yet makes her strong.

“……”

Sotis gave a faint smile instead of responding. Lehman didn’t say anything other than her name, but she seems to have already seen through his intentions.

She whispered softly.

“Lehman, your feelings…”

He replied imploringly in an instant. It was because he was more aware than anyone else that his sincerity wasn’t the best.

The tips of his ears turned red.

“M—my…… C—confession, please just, pretend that it never happened… What I mean is…”

The other party was the imperial family’s mistress, who was about to get a divorce. Daring to have her in his heart was already something disrespectful.

No, actually, the eyes of the public weren’t that bad. Didn’t the emperor have countless mistresses ever since he was a crown prince?

But Sotis was different. It was impossible to humiliate her with a scandal, as none has ever accompanied her before. Even if she’s no longer the empress. Even if she was only working on someone’s behalf and slowly filling up her vacancy, before disappearing as per the wish she had for a long time.

Fortunately, Lehman didn’t have to stutter for long. It was because Sotis concluded his words calmly.

“I’ll do that.”

Her nonchalant attitude showed her indescribable composure and wisdom.

“I have a favour to ask of you, Lehman.”

He just answered without hearing what it was about.

“I will fulfil anything that you ask of me.”

“……You should listen to what it’s about.”

“But Lady Sotis rarely asks people to do anything that’ll put them on the spot.”

“It might be quite difficult.”

Sotis quickly added.

“I hope that you’ll stay in Mendez for a little longer. Lord Wizard, the empress’s seal will become useless from tomorrow onwards, but I have spoken to His Majesty Edmund and gotten his promise to treat you as a distinguished guest. Although I can’t make a formal request, I hope that you’ll help me resolve the soul-related issues while I’m handling state affairs as the acting empress.”

“You’re referring to the contents of your letter.”

“That’s right. It isn’t a transaction between countries, but a request between individuals, so I can’t promise you good hospitality or great compensation, but…”

“I didn’t come here for that.”

Lehman slowly rose and stood upright in front of Sotis. He gave others a gentle impression, so he looked smaller than his original appearance, but when he straightened up, he was actually a head taller than her.

“I’m willing to do my part in resolving the soul-related problems that are occurring throughout the Mendez Empire. In addition, it would be a great honour to be able to observe Lady Sotis’ soul by your side.”

“My soul?”

“As it has been separated once, your condition is currently in an uneasy state. The string that connects your body and soul has become rather weak. I’m looking for a way to make it a little more stable. This isn’t anything easy for me too, but this opportunity will allow me to grow into a better wizard. It’s just that…”

Lehman’s face darkened.

“Will you be alright? Even if you solve all these problems, the hard work you did as the empress’ proxy…”

She gave a faint smile upon hearing what he meant.

How many people were there that worked hard for the sake of the country, for Edmund’s safety and for the imperial family’s honour. She didn’t have any expectations as she’s more than familiar with his cold treatment, but this person, who hasn’t been here for a month, was worried about whether her efforts would be recognized by the world.

“It’s fine, as I’m just doing the right thing. First of all, the most important thing I have to do is recover.”

As she was standing throughout their conversation, she felt like her body was heavy like a lump of metal. Despite coming out after drinking the tea, her lips were dry, and an unwelcome tinnitus rang in her ears. Sotis sighed and leaned against the tree lightly.

Lehman seemed like he wanted to wrap an arm around her shoulder and allow her to lean on him, but he was unable to touch Sotis’ body carelessly, so he was restless.

“……Why don’t you meet the sorcerer that’s skilled in vitality that Marianne has been asking around for tomorrow? They are wizards who deal with the body’s flow, and not the soul, so it will definitely be of help to you.”

“Even though I don’t have a major illness and just have a weak body?”

“Apart from that, it’s because your soul was separated from your body for a long period of time recently. The soul is the core that maintains the body’s equilibrium. As such, I’m sure that there are places where the flow is hindered or changed.”

“You’re so considerate.”

Sotis smiled amicably and added.

“I enjoyed the tea, Lehman. Thanks to you, my startled heart calmed down quickly. And…… Thank you for all of your consideration.”

“I just did what I wanted to do. Uh, this…”

Lehman handed her a small paper bag.

“It’s herbal tea that I had personally cultivated and blended. It contains my magic, albeit a small amount. It has a great effect on soothing tired souls, so if you soak it in warm water for a while, you will be able to sleep deeply. You might get drowsy if you drink this during the day, so make sure to drink this an hour before you go to bed.”

“I can’t believe that it contains your magic… Isn’t this very precious?”

The wizard answered softly, but unhesitatingly.

“What’s there that’s more precious than Lady Sotis gaining a tranquil night?”

The unmistakable sincerity contained a tenderness that Sotis had never experienced, and she eventually stored the item away dearly.

“I’ll remember to do so.”

* * *