If Only I Could Disappear - Chapter 2

For the first few seconds, Lehman Periwinkle doubted his eyes.

This wasn’t just because he personally witnessed a soul. As the high priest of Beatum, a small kingdom in the south, Lehman had eyes that saw spirits, so he had seen the souls of people in such a manner before.

That wasn’t what came as a surprise to him.

“Lord wizard?”

The Duke of Marigold carefully called out to Lehman. Lehman stared into space and remained silent, seeming uneasy.

With an awkward smile, Lehman looked at Sotis.

No matter how familiar he was with seeing souls, it was his first time witnessing the soul of a living person outside of its physical body. This was both uncommon and couldn’t have occurred.

The empress, who was seated by the window, lowered her head slightly and shook it slowly. A sad smile was on her tightly closed and pale lips.

Sotis was silently imploring. Don’t tell her condition to her birth father, Duke Marigold. She hoped that he would hide the fact that her soul had left her body and that her soul had spoken to him.

Lehman couldn’t help but respond to that appearance of hers.

“……Isn’t the room a little too cold for a sickly person to stay in? It’ll be better if you keep the window half closed. Isn’t it too early to say that it’s spring yet?”

“Ah, have you been observing that? The rumour about you being considerate and warm-hearted was the truth. I’ll mention this to the maids on my way out later. I also…”

The duke added in an anxious voice.

“I thought that my daughter’s soul was already out there, so I was worried. Although it’s a silly idea, wizard. How can the soul abandon its body when Her Majesty is breathing faintly like this?

“……Haha.”

When Lehman smiled awkwardly, Sotis, who was slowly arranging her hair by the window, smiled bitterly.

“You said that it’s been a month since she became like this. None of the doctors could tell why.”

“That’s right. It isn’t an exaggeration to say that all the famous doctors from the Mendez Empire have stepped into this room before. But everyone says there’s nothing wrong with her, other than being weak. It’s maddening…”

That was how the month passed by. Sotis sat by the window and watched them repeat meaningless discussions.

There was only one reason why Sotis Marigold Mendez didn’t open her eyes. It was because her soul wasn’t in her body.

The empress’ soul, who had long left the body, was already translucent enough to reflect the scenery on the other side. She sat with her knees together and her cheeks placed on them, the light purple butterflies around her flitting about with their weak wings spread open.

— I’m fine

Sotis’ voice was so calm that it sounded as if she was in a dream. It was completely different from the duke, who seemed both nervous and desperate.

How could it be fine? Her parents fretted every day, and the lives of those in the Imperial castle became lax without her care, while the citizens of the Mendez Empire anticipated for their benevolent and wise empress to wake up and look after them.

Sotis couldn’t have been unaware of all their feelings.

Why was she just sitting there and quietly watching?

“Duke.”

Lehman spoke carefully to the Duke. In his peripheral gaze was the body of the empress, who was breathing slowly with her closed eyes,

“I want to quietly examine Her Majesty the Empress. This is to ensure that there’s nothing wrong with her soul, so I’d like to meet Her Majesty by myself.”

“That’s…”

The duke wasn’t able to accept it readily, and pondered for a moment. Signs of apology were written all over his face while he hesitated.

Lehman smiled faintly as though it was to console the Duke of Marigold.

“I swear to the god of souls and life, I will not bring disgrace to Her Majesty, Empress Sotis. I just want to focus on Her Majesty’s soul. It won’t take too long, so please do not worry too much, and ask for the maid’s assistance in taking care of the room so that it will be a little warmer in the mornings and evenings.”

“I’m so worried, wizard. In that case, I’ll place my trust in you, wizard.”

The duke that had his suspicions aroused exited from the room. The duke called the maid waiting in the hallway and instructed her to change the blanket to a thicker one in order to warm the Empress’s body.

“Don’t ever open the window by more than half. You may only do so when the flowers are in full bloom. Do you understand?”

“Yes, Duke.”

“The Lord Wizard is examining Her Majesty, so don’t disturb her at all. In other words, don’t allow anyone else to walk through this corridor. No one should go in. No one! Especially not that d*mn mistress Fynn or Fan, no matter what happens. Have I made myself clear?”

“I shall obey your command.”

After exhorting repeatedly, the duke let out a loud sigh and gradually moved away.

After silently listening to that conversation, Lehman turned the chair for guests completely towards the window. He stood beside it properly, and bowed deeply with a hand on his chest.

Before he asked what and how it happened, there was something he had to say.

“I’m Lehman Periwinkle from Beatum, a small Kingdom in the South. I am the master of the Periwinkle Magic Tower, which supervises souls of the deceased and life, and serves as the high priest of Beatum.”

Sotis nodded with a gentle smile. She seemed to really admire how he didn’t forget about formalities and etiquette.

“I possess a spiritual eye that allows me to see the souls of the deceased, and I work to help the souls of the dead to return to God’s embrace and rest instead of wandering around the world. Of course, I spend more time travelling around the continent looking for lost souls than I do in the Magic Tower.”

After listening to him, Sotis asked cautiously.

— In that case, Lord Wizard. Am I also a lost soul that you’re supposed to lead?

“Unfortunately, that’s not the case.”

Sotis tilted her head and slowly blinked her water-coloured eyes.

Lehman tapped his chin like he was troubled and continued.

“In principle, the word ‘soul’ refers to the spirit that has escaped from a dead person’s body. However, Your Majesty is still alive, and just not opening your eyes. As such, there’s a problem.”

— Problem, you say?

“That’s right. When a normal person dies, their heart stops and a path is opened for the soul to advance. But Your Majesty’s heart is still beating, and in principle, your soul is within it, so it naturally wouldn’t be able to see the path forward. This is a type of derailment. If you continue to remain like this, your body will gradually weaken and your entire soul might be extinguished as it’s unable to locate the path forward.”

Lehman added with a clear tone, emphasising how sad and tragic that was.

“You’re unable to return back to God, unable to seek repose, and as such you’re unable to cross into the next life.”

But contrary to Lehman’s expectations, Sotis wasn’t surprised or shocked. She just smiled and lowered her white legs slightly, and wiggled her toes, which didn’t touch the floor, to draw a small circle.

— I see.

“This isn’t a matter that ends by saying, ’Oh, I see,’ Your Majesty the Empress. What I’m saying is that Your Majesty could disappear like this.”

— I got it, Lehman. 

Lehman couldn’t make loud noises, so he urged her softly.

“Your Majesty!”

— It’s because I’m not afraid of the word ‘disappear’.

Sotis hopped down from the window, and walked past him to sit down on the bedside lightly. The bed didn’t even move, as though a feather had fallen down.

Sotis looked at her own sleeping face. The light purple hair hung over her face softly slowly swayed.

— Have you ever had that thought?

She looked up at Lehman.

Sadness ripped within her pale green eyes, as though tears were gathered and solidified.

— If only I could disappear. 

“……”

— That’s what I thought. That idea hasn’t changed, even now. So even if I’m watching myself die slowly, I wouldn’t be that scared. Lord Wizard probably wouldn’t know how long and boring the past month has been for me. I’d rather end this wandering as soon as possible. 

“……Even so, Your Majesty Sotis is the Empire’s sole Empress.”

— What’s the point of possessing an honourless name?

“I’ve heard that the masses love Your Majesty’s benevolence and kindness.”

— But none amongst the hundreds of thousands of citizens can protect or help me.

“The Duke treats Your Majesty…”

— Lord Wizard. 

Sotis gently stopped Lehman, who spoke with a very earnest voice.

— Now, I’m so tired. Now, I’m tired of everything. I don’t want to overcome anything, and even breathing feels frustrating and difficult. I just want to give up everything. My only hope is to disappear like this. If I said something preposterous like I feel like this is the only fate that can save me, will you rebuke me?

“……How could I dare to do that to Your Majesty.”

— Even though it was very difficult, I didn’t have the confidence to give up, so I always hoped to disappear silently. If I could dissolve without a trace and disappear just like that, it would feel like the anguish I had been shouldering, the agony that was as heavy as my life, would disappear as well.

Sotis intoned with a low voice and laughed softly.

— Wizard. Do you know how empty having to be a useful existence is? Do you know how sharp and painful it is when this death is incapable of undoing the wounds made by your most beloved person? 

“I…”

Lehman Periwinkle replied slowly.

“I don’t know. I don’t dare to say that I know. Even if Your Majesty tells me everything, I might not be able to understand half of what you’re saying.”

— I see. Thank you for your honesty. Even if you could understand all that, I probably wouldn’t believe it.

“Still, I…”

What should this be called?

Impulse? Arrogance? Sympathy? All of it might be wrong, or all of it might be right. Or it was a certain something outside of these.

“I want to understand Your Majesty’s feelings.”

When his voice sounded more desperate than he’d thought, Lehman was a little surprised.

“Would it be rude of me to ask Your Majesty to tell me what happened, why you wanted to let go of everything, and how painful and sad you felt?”

Sotis looked at Lehman quietly while seated on her bedside.

Lehman Periwinkle.

His soft-looking dark brown hair was left long and tied together loosely. Although he wasn’t a very handsome man with outstanding looks, he looked dignified and warm.

The amiable looking smile seemed to match well with his lips, but the gentle yet sad-looking eyes gave others a sedate and upright impression.

It seemed to be their first meeting, but why was there such a sense of familiarity?

Sotis’ gaze reached Lehman’s. Those amber eyes of his, which sparkled strangely, were so deep and mysterious that they almost didn’t seem human-like.

Eyes that see the soul.

After a month of concealing herself, the master of the Periwinkle Tower found her.

He stared at her and asked.

“Your Majesty, Sotis. Did something happen?”

It truly was a strange thing.

It was a question that she didn’t want to respond to, no matter who posed it. That’s what she had thought.

Before she knew it, Sotis opened her mouth and slowly answered his question.

— I…