If Only I Could Disappear - Chapter 21

She was a woman that’s like the desert at sunset.

 

That was Sotis’ first impression of Finnier Rosewood. A woman that looked down on the world expressionlessly, without the spare energy to feel abashed when she was stark naked. Whenever Sotis looked into the green eyes, which didn’t have any lustre, as though she was born in the darkness and withered as she couldn’t get any sunlight, Sotis felt dreary and sad.

 

The imperial consort, whom the emperor ignored state affairs for and favoured despite the fact that she was the child of a mistress, instructed a sundry maid to call for someone that was once the empress of the nation. This was more than enough to harm another’s pride, but the deposed empress followed the maid and stood in front of the imperial consort without a word of protest.

 

The imperial consort, who was pregnant, didn’t look happy at all. She just looked up at Sotis searchingly with a dim gaze.

 

“Enough of that.”

 

Fynn said. She adjusted her position slightly, and the extravagant gold accessories hanging from her neck and wrists knocked against each other with a clink.

 

“Looking at me with a worried gaze.”

 

Sotis replied with an awkward smile.

 

“Why have you called for me, Your Highness?”

 

“Because I remembered that Lady Sotis’ hands are quite warm.”

 

Sotis’ body had weakened, and she had also lost weight, so it was far from being warm. It might have been warm if she wasn’t too tense, but that wasn’t the case when the multiple people were disregarded in favour of her, who was resting in the empress’ palace.

 

Besides, wasn’t there Edmund? Sotis tilted her head slightly as she examined Fynn’s complexion. She remembered that Edmund’s body was warm all year round. Even that warmth was one of the many reasons why Sotis liked Edmund.

 

“I’m pregnant, and so I have no energy and it’s hard to walk. My limbs would feel numb at night.”

 

At those words, she couldn’t even turn around and disregard it. Sotis asked the maid that brought her over to bring her a warm towel and some tea.

 

“It seems that His Majesty didn’t come to the detached palace today.”

 

“I heard that there’s a banquet. He’ll drink as much as he wants, and come over tomorrow.”

 

Fynn spoke dourly. It seems like Edmund didn’t want to skip even a single day. So they were that affectionate. As Sotis thought so, she gave a cheerless smile and received the warm and damp towel.

 

“Please lie down over there.”

 

Truthfully, she could have turned a blind eye if she wanted. Sotis could have turned around angrily and asked if Fynn had called her for such a trivial reason. At most, Edmund would seethe for a while.

 

But Sotis was unable to turn around and leave Fynn sitting there by herself. She couldn’t explain why, but that was the case. Maybe it was because some loneliness was still present within those eyes. It wasn’t in her nature to ignore such desolation.

 

Some might find her to be foolish, while others would be frustrated. Even so, rather than being heartless, Sotis preferred to be foolish, and she would rather be depressed than be callous. This way of thinking was something that only she, who’d been heartbroken by the long period of cold treatment, could think of.

 

Fynn’s ill will would stop after once or twice. If she knew that the relegated Sotis was no longer a threat to Fynn’s position, she wouldn’t feel the need to pull off such mischief. Who knows? Edmund may hate her a little lesser for meeting these absurd demands of hers.

 

With a rather surprised gaze, Fynn looked at Sotis as she laid down on the bed. Even Fynn didn’t expect that Sotis would take care of her without a word.

 

“Does the doctor come by often? It would be better if there was some medicine that’ll warm your body.”

 

Fynn’s hands were as cold as ice. At first glance, Sotis had even doubted whether it was a person’s hand. Sotis placed the towel she was holding against the back of Fynn’s hand and pressed down lightly.

 

“The doctor comes by occasionally.”

 

“The risk of miscarriage in the early stages of pregnancy is high, so you have to be careful. Your Highness isn’t that healthy either, so you have to pay more attention. Do explain it properly to His Majesty.”

 

“How do you know that I’m not healthy?”

 

There was a faint smile on Sotis’ face. She lifted the damp towel slightly.

 

Indelible scars dotted the back of her hand. Some were a result of scaldings, others seemed to be resultant from scratches or cuts from a sharp edge. Her fingertips and palms were full of calluses, like they had been scraped by something rough over a long period of time.

 

It’s said that the lifestyle of a person can be examined by looking at their hand. Sotis had only ever seen the beautiful hands of aristocrats, but now she could understand the sentence in a book that only seemed abstract to her.

 

“It would be a lie if your body was unharmed after all this hard work.”

 

“……”

 

“Please hold on to this. When it has cooled down, call for a maid. Did you mention that your legs feel numb?”

 

Sotis really began to rub Fynn’s leg. At this point, absurdity coloured Fynn’s face.

 

She thought that Sotis would be angry. Even if it was Sotis, it’s normal for her to be angered when she was pushed out of the empress’ position and instead of doing her duties, she had to follow a sundry maid to meet the imperial consort, who’d asked to her to attend upon her with ridiculous excuses. No, if that weren’t the case, normally she’d turn a blind eye, or feel miserable.

 

But how could she maintain her composure?

 

Why was she able to endure even this?

 

How much more generous would Sotis Marigold’s heart be, and how long would it remain that way?

 

“I won’t be moving at Your Highness’ disposal.”

 

Sotis spoke calmly like she had read Fynn’s intentions. The hands that applied the cream that was taken out from the drawer and brushing her legs were extremely attentive.

 

As Fynn held the towel absentmindedly, Sotis helped her bring it to her other arm.

 

“From a long time ago, His Majesty Edmund humiliated me and got angry at me for trifling matters. I knew he did that because he wanted to have a row.”

 

“So, did you quarrel with him?”

 

“No, I didn’t. The emperor’s flaw is a shortcoming that will be forgotten over the passage of time, while my mistakes will quickly become a disgrace that’s sold like hot cakes.”

 

Sotis added calmly.

 

“Although I like His Majesty, that doesn’t mean that I’ll do everything His Majesty wants. In a certain sense, I was a virtueless empress. As it wasn’t like I didn’t seek a way of living for myself.”

 

“…….”

 

“I have watched His Majesty, who’s like that, for ten years. Even if Your Highness calls me for this kind of thing.”

 

Sotis’ eyes curved into a faint smile.

 

“It doesn’t affect me.”

 

“…….”

 

“However, as the fact that you’d skipped a few procedures to become an imperial consort can be easily held against you at this period of time, I hope that Your Highness Fynn would practise caution for the sake of the Imperial family’s dignity.”

 

It was barbed advice, her tone was so friendly that it sounded like it was a worry that’s shared between close friends.

 

Fynn blinked slowly.

 

“I heard that you liked His Majesty.”

 

“Why else would I have endured in this place?”

 

“……You’re using past tense.”

 

“I’ve decided to stop.”

 

The imperial consort asked like she was quite curious.

 

“Are you enduring for the sake of the new woman of the man that you don’t even like?”

 

“Are relationships something that can be defined with a single sentence?”

 

Sotis asked back in a wise tone.

 

“The both of you seem to have easily forgotten this, but you’re the person that I’ve saved. Even the fact that you’re an illegitimate daughter of the Marquis of Rosewood was something that I’d discovered after ordering people to investigate. I didn’t do that because I wanted you to engrave it in your heart and be indebted to me for the rest of your life. It’s just a choice I made in order to do the right thing, and I’m content with watching you lead a life without inadequacies.”

 

“……”

 

“Do I have to ignore it when such a person happens to have the child of the man that mistreated me?”

 

“……That’s usually the case.”

 

Fynn sat up slowly.

 

“That’s usually the case, Lady Sotis. Normally, you wouldn’t use ‘like’ to describe a man that treats you coldly and humiliates you. You’d go ballistic, saying that you were momentarily insane to have liked a man like that. When an ungrateful woman stole your position just so that she wouldn’t end up on the streets, and got pregnant with that heartless man’s child, you’d usually become furious for no reason. The baby? How can you be happy to hear that a baby would be born? You would’ve hoped for her to have a sudden miscarriage.”

 

“Your Highness.”

 

Sotis brought up the words that she had been calmly putting together for the past few days.

 

“I’m not going to enter that mire.”

 

“……”

 

“I’ll only remember what’s good for me. I saved you, and you no longer have to starve. I’ve escaped that honourless and cold position. That’s sufficient. Although I’m completing my tasks under the guise of responsibility, I’m just taking this time to clear my mind. I’m so dull that I’m slow at everything, and even though I still don’t hate His Majesty Edmund…”

 

“Lady Sotis.”

 

“Now that love has been expelled to my past, I will soon be free. For all I know, I might have been waiting for this very moment. I couldn’t have left that place by myself, but it’s like Your Highness gave me a push from behind.”

 

“…….”

 

“As such, be it the fact that I’m an empress that holds the emperor’s weakness, or the fact that I’m a foolish woman that repaid an enemy with grace, it’s only meaningful to the both of you.”

 

Sotis took the towel from Fynn’s hand and set it down on the small bedside table.

 

“However, it hurts to see my home country, which I’d been looking after for my entire life, decline or become a joke, so I will only help until you both have gained a firm foothold. Afterwards, I’ll leave. I don’t know if it’ll happen before or after the baby is born. It’s because humans can’t predict the future perfectly, Your Highness.”

 

“I see.”

 

“Congratulations on your pregnancy, Your Highness the Imperial Consort. Now that I don’t have any lingering feelings about the position of Empress, I’d rather Your Highness become the empress. Then at least…”

 

Sotis gave a sincere smile as she recalled the moment she first met Fynn.

 

“You won’t have to go through that twice, which was heartbreaking just watching as a fellow woman.”

 

“Do you pity me?”

 

Sotis answered Fynn’s sharp question generously.

 

“Yes, Your Highness.”

 

“……”

 

“Please don’t feel offended. It was precisely because of that that I saved your life.”

 

“I know.”

 

Fynn sighed.

 

“I’m not that shameless.”

 

“……”

 

“On your way back, don’t cross through the central garden, but take the path along the northern lake.”

 

As the path was narrow and dark, it was rarely taken by people at night. Sotis couldn’t understand why she had to take that path.

 

However, Sotis was unable to refuse as she could sense the will flickering within the bleak eyes on Fynn’s resolute expression. Like she was drawn, she just responded with an, “Alright.”

 

Sotis was about to cross the garden on her way back unintentionally, but she recalled Fynn’s words and turned to take the path along the lake. The path was so dark that it was hard to spot shadows. She was so scared that her legs moved quickly and when she returned to the empress palace, she was panting slightly.

 

“Goodness, Lady Sotis!”

 

As soon as the restless maids spotted Sotis, they rushed up to her and examined her complexion. Their attitudes were strange, as if she’d overcome a huge disaster.

 

“……What’s wrong?”

 

“D—didn’t you meet His Majesty Edmund on your way back?”

 

“I heard he was drinking at the banquet… Did he come over here?”

 

“Don’t even mention it. His Majesty had drunk so much that he was rather tipsy, and he burst into a drunken rage, saying that nothing could be done because of the Duke of Marigold… As Lady Sotis wasn’t here, his gaze was so sharp that it was unsettling, and we were so worried that you might encounter him on your way back!”

 

“Is that so? I came back from the northern path, so I didn’t see His Majesty…….”

 

“Why did you take such a spooky path to return back?”

 

When the maids asked in return like they couldn’t understand, Sotis felt puzzled.

 

Did Fynn know about this? Was that the reason why she told Sotis which path to take while returning, so that Sotis and the emperor won’t encounter each other?

 

She spent her entire life trying to understand Edmund’s innermost thoughts, but it seemed like Finnier Rosewood was even more difficult to understand than he was.

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